Why I Am Alive (P)

[SSakii]

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Pebblesplash

RiverClan Warrior
~A beautiful scarred white mollie, pale gray and ginger torbie markings with blue eyes~

PURRKS —> KILLER APTITUDE T3 | MIND READER | SILVER TOUNGE T2
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| Mentions ———> @N/A |
Notes - This is a private VA post. It is canon. Please do not reply to this.
THIS POST CONTAINS TOPICS SUCH AS SUICIDE, DEATH AND PANIC ATTACKS. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION.
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☘︎ Pebblesplash couldn’t remember the last time she truly feared sleep, as nightmares weren’t a common occurrence for her... As a kit, sleep had been a refuge—a peaceful escape where she could rest and dream. But now, beneath the cold, indifferent moonlight, sleep felt like something to be avoided. It wasn’t the dreams themselves that frightened her, but the hollow silence that had taken over her life. The space where comfort used to live now felt empty and cold.

☘︎ The moonlight bathed the clearing in a pale glow, casting soft shadows over the camp, but it did little to ease the weight on her chest. Her fur was damp from the night air, her body cold and stiff. Not cold like the chill of the season. No, it was something deeper. It was the weight of guilt pressing into her, suffocating her with every shallow breath. She felt she had been close to death the previous night, and somehow, her body still clung to life—barely. She had failed in so many ways, and now the universe seemed to be punishing her for it. Perhaps StarClan was too. She had neglected the promises she once made, her heart torn with regret over the choices she had made, the things she had allowed to slip through her paws.

☘︎ The pain… it wasn’t just the struggle to breathe. It was the suffocating realization that she couldn’t undo the past. The guilt ate away at her every waking moment. Pebblesplash shivered, her paws dragging her through the camp, unable to find any comfort in her familiar surroundings. It felt as if everything was slipping away from her—her past, her future. Her life itself. She couldn’t stay here, not tonight. The thought was sudden but firm. She had to leave. Her paws moved on their own accord, carrying her toward the camp’s exit. She knew she wasn’t supposed to leave alone, especially not in her current condition, but in this moment, she couldn’t stay. Stormstar would understand, she thought. She would understand her need to go—to find answers to the questions that weighed heavily on her heart. She’d return in the morning. She’d face whatever consequences there were then. But tonight, she needed space. She needed to breathe.

☘︎ As she padded into the darkness, a sharp breath of air cut through her chest. She winced, but she didn’t stop. The air was cold, biting her lungs as she walked farther away from camp. She didn’t know where she was going. She didn’t have a destination. She just needed to leave—to get away from the suffocating grip of camp, of her life. There was only one place she could think of—a place tied to her past, to her lost love. The place where SnowLeap had been a light in her life, a warmth she could no longer feel. It felt like it had been so long since SnowLeap had been taken from her, and yet, the grief had never fully gone. The loss still lingered like a shadow, ever-present.

☘︎ Her paws led her to the place where it had all fallen apart. It was here, in this very spot, that everything changed. The trap, the blood, the panic—she could still see it all, even though nothing remained. The tufts of fur, the bloodstains—they were long gone, but they were burned into her memory. Her heart tightened, and for a brief moment, she could feel the terror again, the helplessness. But something else was there too. A numbness. A disconnection. She didn’t feel the pain anymore. She couldn’t. It was as though the wound had healed over, leaving only the scar of regret.

☘︎ Pebblesplash staggered forward, gasping for air as another sharp breath burned her lungs. No, she wasn’t dying. Not yet. The feeling of death had brushed so closely against her the night before, but it wasn’t the end. Not yet. She had lived through worse, but something about this time felt different. The pain she felt in her chest wasn’t just physical. It was the weight of her own choices. The guilt, the loss, the memories.

☘︎ She continued walking, letting her paws guide her, even though she didn’t know where she was headed. Eventually, she found herself standing at Lions Beach. A few days ago, she had been here with Birdpaw—no, Birdsnow now—and the day was full of laughter and lightness. But that was before. Now, standing on the beach, Pebblesplash could only see the echoes of that day, not the joy that had once been there. The seagull attack, the blood from the scratch on her face, the feeling of fear—it all rushed back, though it felt distant, like a memory of someone else’s life. The fear, the pain—it didn’t feel real anymore. The memories had faded, replaced by a coldness she couldn’t shake.

☘︎ The beach was empty now, the sand untouched by paw prints. But she could still see them in her mind—the imprint of her paws, the streak of blood that had once marked her path. It was all gone now, erased by the tide of time. Yet, she still felt it—the emptiness. With each step, her body ached more. It wasn’t the pain of battle. It was something deeper. The absence. The absence of feeling. The absence of connection. She had always been so full of life, so filled with emotion, but now… now it was all fading away.

☘︎ Eventually, she found herself at the sleepy thicket, a place that had once been full of warmth, for her at least. But it was no longer the same. The beauty was gone, replaced by a strange sense of decay. The trees that had once provided shelter seemed twisted, the earth beneath her paws cold and unforgiving. She stood before the place where her mother had been buried, unsure of what to feel. Regret. That was what she felt. Not grief—not sorrow. She should have mourned her mother more. She should have been there more, done more, but she hadn’t. She visited the graves of her sister, her grandmother, and finally, the hardest one of all—her own grave. What had happened to her body? Was it still there, beneath the earth? Would she ever truly understand why StarClan had allowed her to return? Why they hadn’t let her rest? Why didn’t they force her to rest…?

☘︎ She didn’t have the answers. But for the first time in moons, she wasn’t sure she even wanted them. Why would she want them…? It would cause more harm than good if she knew the answers to most of her questions… Speaking of questions, Pebblesplash had one more inquiry, and needed to calm her curiosity. With hesitance, the pale tortoiseshell tabby began to walk to the final destination… Her place of death. Her heart thumped in her chest, breaths becoming raspy… This is when PebbleSplash realized that no, she wasn’t feeling nothing, she was simply just… Empty…

☘︎ She was empty. The pain in her heart was equivalent to nothing, to feeling nothing, as it had just become so normal for her to feel this empty, to feel nothing. She chokes, not on air, not on words, but her own silenced sob. She didn’t even have the right to cry, not after everything she did… no… everything she didn’t do. Approaching upon her place of death, she still saw everything… The trap, the blood, the fur… Her daughter… Her only daughter… The one she failed, the one she neglected and left to rot… The one she gave up on after promising to be there… The one she lied to… “My baby…” the words stung, because Pebblesplash was no mother, no, she was simply pretending to be one. The molly hisses, digging her claws into the ground…

☘︎ “I should have… should have been there for you…” she stood where she died all those moons ago, paws aligning with where they had been all that time ago… “… I want to give up… Leave me in peace, please…“ She says, laying down where she had fallen moons ago… She remembered her exact position, the exact way her paws rested… Where her tongue fell in her mouth… She would lay here for a while, hoping that something or someone would take her away, but nothing happened…

☘︎ The sun began to rise, Pebblesplash was lying in the mud, letting her fur dampen. She let out a sigh, and then a cough. She was tired. She had lied awake all night, waiting for a miracle, but nothing happened… Not until dawn at least… It had begun to snow, and the tortoiseshell tabby let it plaster to her long fur… Just then, a bird, a singular dove landed in front of her. The molly choked, seeing it as a sign… Snow… a bird in snow… A reminder of what she had done all this for, who she had done this for… And her eyes opened.

☘︎ “I may hate myself, but I still love you…” She whispered, slowly rising from her position. “I wish I knew before… I wish I knew I would lose you… That I would lose me…” She staggered, coughing. “I’ll never understand what you saw in me… but you loved me, even at my worst… It’s time I show you how much I love you… By loving myself too…”

☘︎ So, she went home…

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Comments —> Staff I can’t put spoilers, if you can, can you please put spoilers on things that need to be hidden?
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