What do you mean good morning?? It's midafternoon.

[sleepyyjax]

Seapaw
he/they - 9 moons - Go with the flow

Mph. He blinked, green eyes taking in the morning light. Was it really morning already? Ughh. They rolled around for a bit, hoping to get some extra sleep, to get rid of this weird feeling in their stomach. But it wasn't working. He was just lying there. Staring at the walls, staring at the exit, staring at the roof. Maybe, just maybe, lying there even longer would help.

So he waited. And waited. And waited.
They weren't sure how much time had passed, but it was getting lighter outside. Morning was moving fast. Dawn was long ago. He wasn't shocked that no one had roused him. They hadn't seen a training session in so long. Well. Now seemed a good time to actually sit up. Once he was sat, he could actually get a good look at the den. No one else was here. They were all off and about. Training, probably. Or something. He wished he was swimming. Maybe he should try harder to get this apprenticeship moving. After all, once they're a warrior, they can go swimming whenever.

He licked his paw, smoothing it over his head. His fur was a lot to manage, but lookily it often remained sleek, and not much effort to maintain.

@nyme
setting this a day/ a few days (whatever makes sense in the timeline lol) after Stormstar's death, if that works? ^^

[nyme]

WE'LL BUILD A FIRE IN YOUR EYES

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ! ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

SALAMANDERPAW . 9 MOONS . SHE/HER . RIVERCLAN

Salamanderpaw meets the day bright and early, determined to do better. To make good on her guarantee to Snapjaw. Grow and do better. Which means she's determined not to waste another second sitting around waiting to see who's going to give her direction. Oh, no, no, Salamanderpaw's going to hunt down the very next warrior she sees and she's just gonna make them take her out, force them to teach her! No point waiting around for a mentor this late in the game, there's no time to waste!!

Only...not....that one.
Or that one.
Or those ones, who look busy.
Maybe—oh, no, she waited too long on that one, now they're gone.
Starclan, she's tired....

On and on this goes until Salamanderpaw has hesitated her way through the better part of the day. What she'll never in a thousand lifetimes admit is that she's got her heart set and her teeth sunk deep into this corny little fantasy where a warrior, any warrior, goes out of their way to scoop her up raving about how dear Starclan I can't believe a cat like you's been left hanging so long, Salamanderpaw! All this potential, just going to waste? I'd be happy to help, no no I insist, let's get out there right now, there's no time to waste! Which isn't even remotely what happens and, realistically, will never happen. Not even if she sits up really tall and straight and does her very best to bathe her shaggy, tangled coat and puffs her chest out and squares her shoulders and struts around a little bit, all cool and...and capable, or whatever. And it goes on and on just not happening and not happening and eventually Salamanderpaw gives up on the entire endeavor for the day.

She's appalled at herself for thinking this, but it's just too hard.

It's not like Salamanderpaw can't do hard stuff! Riverclan's exile was hard! Losing, what, four mentors was hard! But the uncomfortable truth that's becoming tougher and tougher to ignore is that there's a pretty big difference between things just happening to you and doing things for yourself, and that latter bit...that seems to be what she's struggling with. Which is stupid, because who struggles just doing stuff? What in the world sort of lame kitten problem is that?? The bruising on her pride makes her bitter and that bitterness demands blood but she has so few cats that she can collect from these days...

Seapaw comes to mind first. She has the good sense, at least, to feel ugly and ashamed for it but that doesn't stop her from wanting to take all this ugliness in her tummy and make it all their problem. It's just that Tinytoad's not around to tell her to stop and Seapaw probably wouldn't either, so Salamanderpaw has to be the one to tell herself no. Even if she's angry that she hasn't seen them out of the den all day, even if she's already got accusations welling up in her throat (what are you, hiding? Lazy? Pouting won't fix anything, just get up already!), she knows she can't do that to him. And maybe she knows, too, that it's a problem to feel and think like this about the cats that you love, but it's no doubt just another thing that is too hard to do anything about right now. Besides, all that building irritation dissipates the moment she pokes her head into the apprentices' den to see them there, sitting alone amidst the nests. All that's left is the yucky, ashamed feeling that she was really going to storm in here and chew Seapaw out just to reinflate her ego. What would Tinytoad think? Doesn't matter anymore. Not when she's just one more cat that left. For all they know, she's kickin' it with Stormstar up in Starclan by now.

Salamanderpaw announces herself with a melodramatic sigh, slouching over to her littermate and flopping down near him. She's silent for a while before posing the question:

"You were asleep for ages. Are you getting sick?"

@sleepyyjax ; SEAPAW

[sleepyyjax]

Seapaw
he/they - 9 moons - Go with the flow

Their ear twitched, eyes darting to the entrance. Salamanderpaw. What was she doing here? She always had something interesting going on, didn't she? She didn't seem one for den lazing. After a while, she spoke.

Sick? Was he sick? They hadn't really thought about that, at all. But thinking about it, it made sense. Feeling weird, sleeping for ages, their head hurt a little too. He was quiet whilst thinking about it. "Maybe I am." They kneaded their nest with their paws, feeling a little awkward. It probably wasn't normal to now know what's wrong with you. But he was used to just letting these feelings pass by. Sleep it off or daydream a bit, and it gets better. It normally worked. Maybe if ma was here, he could ask her. Then she could fix it for him... But she wasn't. So he just had to stick to his usual tricks.

He pushed all uncertainty aside. It would work this time too. They just needed to give it time. "Yeah. I'm just a little under the weather." They stated, believing it themself. "Oh! But, erm, nothing bad. I don't need to see the meds or, uh, anything."

They scanned their brain again, wondering why she chose to come here. Then he realised. Another mentor down. That was rough. "Erm, how are you doing anyway?" He paused, trying to find some words that aren't 'woa your mentor died this time, that kinda sucks!' "With the whole... Training thing?" Would that get the question across properly? Maybe.

@nyme

[nyme]

WE'LL BUILD A FIRE IN YOUR EYES

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ! ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

SALAMANDERPAW . 9 MOONS . SHE/HER . RIVERCLAN

Maybe they are sick, but it's not bad enough to pay a visit to the medicine cats' den. Well, sure. She'll trust Seapaw's judgement, there...sort of. Salamanderpaw gives her littermate a long sideways look. "Ew. Well. Watch out, okay? If you start getting puke-y I'm gonna carry you in there like you're a little kit. You wanna go by the scruff, or a badger ride?" There's a weak bit of humor there and it's all oozing awkwardness. She doesn't feel very funny and she knows that now probably isn't the time to be making fun, anyway. Still; she hates all the alternatives, so lame jokes will have to suffice.

Beyond that, Salamanderpaw isn't any help. If you're sick-sick, then you see a medicine a cat. But if you're only maybekindasorta sick, or a kind of sickness that makes you look bad but still smell alright, what then? Probably they would just tell Seapaw to rest. Probably she should, too. But you've been resting all day!! That childish fury bubbles up in her throat again. Guilt makes her avert her eyes to copy Seapaw's uncomfortable moss-kick.

They bring up the topic of training and Salamanderpaw falls quiet for a while, sitting back with a heavy grumble. She wants to lie and brag about some excellent new leaf that she's turned over, that she's finally on the right track to being the best there ever was. This is not the case. Her most recent false start still has bloodstains drying in the clearing. It's hard not to be bitter and Salamanderpaw rarely ever needs an excuse to be, anyway, so when she finally speaks up about it, it's in the meanest grumble she can manage:

"Maybe she did it on purpose. Died I mean. Like, as a joke." And Stars, how wrong it feels to say that. How stupid and nonsensical the accusation is. "Somehow she...knew she wasn't gonna last, because Riverclan doesn't get to have things that last, and—and then—" Salamanderpaw breaks off for a reedy, frustrated hiss. There's no possible way Stormstar could have foreseen this and if she could then she would have fought harder for her clan. For Owltalon, for Cobwebfern and Berryshine. Seabreeze. There's no sense in blaming a dead cat for her own death. A dead clanmate. A dead leader.

She doesn't take it back, though.

"I'll probably go back to Snapjaw for a few lessons since she's still around, at least. She sucks for what happened with Troutstream but I don't need the most perfect cat in the whole clan to show me how to be a warrior. I don't want another new mentor. I don't want a mentor. I'm done with all that. I'm just...gonna be a warrior my way." She doesn't mention how this plan has so far not been working. She would rather chew thorns. It's only not working yet, and while she might not have all the time in the world left, she's still got some. Some. Salamanderpaw sniffs resolutely, glancing back at her littermate with a thoughtful squint. After what had seemed like a promising start, Seapaw had been failed by his first mentor, hadn't he? She'd envied Oliverat's attentiveness, once. And now look. 'Course, that had been some time ago, hadn't it? Now they were with, uh....

"Has Amberflare been teaching you anything?" She asks. "'Cause I'll scream at her for you, if you need."

@sleepyyjax ; SEAPAW

[sleepyyjax]

Seapaw
he/they - 9 moons - Go with the flow

Hmph. He didn't wanna go to the med den. Even if he was sick. They couldn't think of anything worse right now. All that attention, being poked and prodded. It didn't sound nice. They did chuckle a bit at their sister's comment, "not even StarClan themselves could carry me there. I'm staying here today," they joked, sticking their tongue out - but it felt flat.

Time elapses in a silence which he can't decipher the feeling of - awkward? Comfortable? Just a bit strange? Then Salamanderpaw begins. Though what she says feels almost spiteful, totally wrong - they understand. StarClan, maybe moons ago they'd try to tell her she's being a meanie butt, but he couldn't do that with a clear conscience. It were as though loss followed RiverClan wherever they roamed - Salamanderpaw especially.

Snapjaw. He couldn't even remember what the cat did wrong. He probably wasn't listening when Stormstar explained. She was still in the clan, so it couldn't be that bad, right? Well. Either way, she was soon declaring that she'd exist without a mentor. Hm. Sure. Salamanderpaw seemed more competent than a lot of cats around here, considering how many of them were failing to take her out for a single training session.

He was beginning to feel less ill, less weird. Maybe that's all they'd needed. Just a chat. Easy fix. They'd remember that next time. Feel weird? Just have a chat.

Then Amberflame. Somehow, a small laugh escaped him. A scoff, maybe? They'd never done that before. "I haven't even met her." He shook his head, exasperated. They weren't sure they even knew what this cat looked like. "I miss Oliverat. He was nice." What had even happened to him? Was he missing? Or was Seapaw just such a bad apprentice that he couldn't stand to train him? A small grumble escaped him. If Tinytoad was around, he'd just train with her. If Tinytoad were around, he feared all of this would be better. She wouldn't stand for this. The situation they were both in. They bet she'd train them both herself. She was skilled enough. "I... Miss a lot of cats." He sighed, flopping back down into his nest. Urgh. He was wrong earlier. He still felt bad.

@nyme

[nyme]

WE'LL BUILD A FIRE IN YOUR EYES

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ! ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

SALAMANDERPAW . 9 MOONS . SHE/HER . RIVERCLAN

"Mmmleh! Fine, sickie, have it your way." She sticks her tongue right back out at him. A challenge cannot go unmet! Cracking a wobbly little grin, Salamanderpaw settles down where she'd been standing by his nest, back legs splayed out to the side and forepaws tucked under her chest (but only after she flicks one out to bat at their ears).

"Once I start getting cats to show me what I need to do, I'll ask if they can do the same for you, if you'd like. Depending on what you still need and if they did any good teaching me, I mean; I wouldn't throw any lousy instructors at you. Then I'll swing your mentor around by her ears and throw her. Then I'll tell her that she has the privilege to be training a future Riverclan Lionheart—at the very least—so she'd better shape up and act like it." She can understand why warriors keep failing her. Salamanderpaw is prickly and loud and mean and none of it is done in a cute or clever way. She is a fundamentally unlikable cat, so it's no wonder those cowards all find ways to get away from her. But Seapaw? What is the matter with cats, that they think it's okay to neglect Seapaw? Are they all stupid??

Maybe Oliverat couldn't help it. If Seapaw liked him, then Salamanderpaw wants to believe that disappearance was an honest one; another Riverclan tragedy for the record. But to be assigned the grand opportunity to fill Oliverat's pawprints and help Seapaw finally get their warrior name...inexcusable, frankly.

I... Miss a lot of cats.

That brings on another maybe-long, maybe-awkward silence. She knows they're both thinking about the same cat, regardless of whoever else independently comes to mind, and at first it's almost a nice feeling. Missing someone doesn't feel so bad when you're missing them with company. But then the frustration sinks in. Doesn't Tinytoad know they both miss her? Doesn't she even care? Does she miss them back, wherever she is now? The last time Salamanderpaw had ever spoken to her mother was back at that weird open discussion where Fadingstar was chased off. She remembers being angry, and that anger has lingered. She's angry about a lot of things these days and Tinytoad is no exception. Where is their strong and capable warrior-mama? Where is the cat who helped guide them up a mountain? Doesn't she know that her kits still need somebody to hold them? You'd be too big for her to carry you, now, Salamanderpaw realizes quietly, looking down at her paws and then at Seapaw. Maybe that's just it. Maybe they've both just gotten too big for Tinytoad to carry anymore.

"We can't miss her forever." Salamanderpaw's tone is clipped, decisive. She won't say their mother's name. "I don't want to miss anyone anymore. There's no point. She'll show up again someday and we'll both be so big she doesn't recognize us, so she'll leave again. You know, maybe that's why she disappeared again. Maybe she went somewhere to have more kits and they're still small enough to love." Something soft and easy that she can carry. Something that wouldn't ever be mad at her, or too big to hold onto. Salamanderpaw leans over, an attempt to bonk her head with Seapaw's. "You're still my family and I'm still yours and we're both still here. That matters. Cats who vanish don't; there are too many of those, and if they all have to matter then you'll probably never stop being sick. I'm not ever leaving. You better not leave, either, or I'll drag you back by your tail." A mother, she can let go of. Seapaw, she refuses to.

@sleepyyjax ; SEAPAW

[sleepyyjax]

Seapaw
he/they - 9 moons - Go with the flow

They were both stuck in training limbo - what was up with that!? But Salamanderpaw's plan sounded good so far. He needed to start doing what she was doing, rounding up trainers around the clan. Not that it was working exactly, but it was probably better than moping in here all day... Though they weren't sure about swinging Amberflame by her ears - and - a future lionheart?? Them?! They had to hold back a giggle at the idea, but he didn't say anything. It'd only be rude to meet their sister's comfort with some 'meeeee a lionheart no no never' stuff. "That sounds good," He nodded with a small smile. "If I get anyone, I'll try to send them your way, too."

Silence again. Until Salamanderpaw speaks. And she's right. They can't miss her forever. Tinytoad. He wasn't sure quite how to remember her without missing her, without missing those hazy memories of the mountain camp, their time there before she went missing, when the clan was briefly safe, tucked away from the others. Without missing the simple idea of their first camp, a place he couldn't even remember, but a place where they were with her, and safe for a time. But he had to find ways, they both had to. Never missing anyone almost felt like a long stretch, but, it made sense. Surely all this missing wasn't making them feel great, making them feel sick, and if they could simply do away with it, they'd feel a lot better. And if cats kept coming and going as they did, he'd be forever missing at least one cat. Even Catfishwhisker stayed with him a little - a cat they'd spoken too only once. Was clan life just like this?

And back to Tinytoad. Was she really away, coddling some other kits? Better ones? It was definitely a better outcome than some of the others on the table. And when he got angry, he found the sicky feeling felt a little less. But anger was something he often found hard to hold onto, it would quickly pass into something else: missing, or fear, or sickliness. At least for now. Maybe someday, something would stir him. But that day didn't seem near - for better, or for worse.

Bonk! - Nothing like a headbutt to bring them out of their thoughts. Who cared about all those thoughts? As Salamanderpaw said, she's here. Seapaw's here. That's all that had to matter. And it's true. All this worrying and missing, all this making things matter - it was making him sickly, making him feel weird. And that's not a way they wanted to feel, especially when their sister, who's far from missing, was right there.

The 'paw gave a little head shake. "If I ever do something as silly as that, you better!" Perhaps clan life wasn't easy, but he couldn't imagine abandoning everyone, abandoning Salamanderpaw, for that matter. Even if it wasn't his choice, he'd run, or he'd swim away from any trouble. Maybe that was a matter of his own cowardice, as opposed to loyalty. He worried a little, with Salamanderpaw being the big strong sibling, just how much she'd have to fight when they became warriors. "Also... When you're a big strong Lionheart. Don't go getting hurt, promise?" That was a ridiculous promise to ask for, they knew that - what warrior didn't get hurt? But, the question sentence made its way out their mouth before they could stop it. "Or. Don't get hurt too much. Or be extra super careful, maybe." They added, the sentence becoming more and more jumbled, far less coherent.

@nyme