Rain follows after Cinders

[SpiritedWarrior]

@littlelove (If you don't mind, I'd like this to be some sort of friendship-brewing/learning experience! Also, sorry it's not an exactly long post lol)

His family was back. Though Fallowkit has yet to return, Quietkit had and has been either resting or eating ever since her return. The only cat he could think of that went without family in moons was Cinderpaw, the infamous apprentice who had been taken by RiverClan, killed by some sort of animal, and brought back from StarClan. Why don't I go talk to her? Maybe we can get to know each other and she can feel comfortable being back in ThunderClan.

Walking up to the rather ruffle-furred, scarred apprentice, the young tabby tom took a moment to pause and ruffle his light brown tuft of fur on the top of his head before continuing and stopping in front of the... much older apprentice.

"Hello, are you the cat RiverClan stole?" Rainpaw tilted his head, his green eyes staring into Cinderpaw's. "I-if you are, um... I- I was wondering if we could talk about somethin'?"

It was hard not to stare at the apprentice who should be a warrior, especially when the she-cat had more scars than he's seen on any cat. Don't stare, don't stare- he blinked a couple of times and brought his focus back to Cinderpaw, wondering how she would sound.

"S-sorry, I don't mean to stare! I... I just never really... um... talked to someone who's had scars..." Gah, I'm such a mouse-brain! His pelt felt hot with embarrassment and shame. "Sorry... I- I just want to know... how you dealt with not being with family in StarClan. You see, I- my sisters, Fallowkit and Quietkit, ran away when we were younger different times. Quietkit's recently returned, but... but Fallowkit hasn't. And, um... I'm having a hard time dealing with it..."

By the time the young tom had finished speaking, his voice was quiet. He didn't want to sound rude in any way toward his peers, especially not one who's clearly been through a lot in her life even though she was a 'paw, just like him.

[littlelove]

Gnawing idly on a a piece of prey, Cinderpaw stared out blankly over Thunderclan camp from one of her nests nearby the nursery. Time ticked by slower than it ever had in the lead up to leafbare... well, it technically was leafbare already, but the snow had yet to show itself. She reckoned they still had a few more sunrises before it truly hit.

Her whiskers twitched as she heard pawsteps approaching, eyes swivelling to see a brown tabby making their way over to her. Matching eyes and generally skinnier frame told her that this wasn't Ospreypaw, or anyone else she really knew. She wracked her head to place a name to his face.

"... Rainpaw, ri--" She was cut off by a flurry of questions from the tom, the first of which made her almost choke on her squirrel. I mean... she guessed it was a fair question? He seemed young, probably too young to remember the whole episode, but... damn! She let out a dry laugh, not sure how else to react.

"Y-yeah. I don't th-think there's any-anyone else, at least." Cinderpaw rasped, eyes examining the younger tom. "What d-d-do you need, kid?"

As she listened to his questions, her pelt flushed red-hot with shame. Yeah, she was really one of the only cats in Thunderclan left with such... noticeable scars, wasn't she? The only cat she could think of off the top of her head with similar wounds was Dogbark - most of his muzzle had been long since healed over scars when he was deputy, but he was gone now. So now she was here, permanent and embarrassing reminders of how badly she'd lost everything, courtesy of Starclan themselves.

Her eyes flickered back to Rainpaw, mulling over how to answer his questions. She eventually just gave a half-hearted shrug. "It-it-it wasn't much different from what I went th-through alive, I guess. My parents were pretty much e-en-entirely paws-off when I was kit, my parent n' brother were ex-exiled when I was an appren--tice and one never came back, my lil' b-brother went missing right after Riverclan att--acked us t-that first time..." Bitterness slowly but surely crept into her voice. Why was the world so determined to rip her family apart again and again? She guessed she didn't mind talking about it so much -- the clan had already made a spectacle out of tearing her family in two twice, why not let them do it once more?

She shook her head. Didn't need to make this a pity party for her. She placed a hulking paw on the tom's shoulder. "...'S ju-just something you have to l-live with. The only p-p-person that can't leave or be ta--ken away from you is... you." Cinderpaw wasn't even sure of that part herself honestly; it felt like the things Thunderclan had wrung her through had destroyed her very sense of self at first. She still didn't know if there was still a repairable, lovable being inside her anymore.

[ @SpiritedWarrior ]

[SpiritedWarrior]

Originally Posted by littlelove

Gnawing idly on a a piece of prey, Cinderpaw stared out blankly over Thunderclan camp from one of her nests nearby the nursery. Time ticked by slower than it ever had in the lead up to leafbare... well, it technically was leafbare already, but the snow had yet to show itself. She reckoned they still had a few more sunrises before it truly hit.

Her whiskers twitched as she heard pawsteps approaching, eyes swivelling to see a brown tabby making their way over to her. Matching eyes and generally skinnier frame told her that this wasn't Ospreypaw, or anyone else she really knew. She wracked her head to place a name to his face.

"... Rainpaw, ri--" She was cut off by a flurry of questions from the tom, the first of which made her almost choke on her squirrel. I mean... she guessed it was a fair question? He seemed young, probably too young to remember the whole episode, but... damn! She let out a dry laugh, not sure how else to react.

"Y-yeah. I don't th-think there's any-anyone else, at least." Cinderpaw rasped, eyes examining the younger tom. "What d-d-do you need, kid?"

As she listened to his questions, her pelt flushed red-hot with shame. Yeah, she was really one of the only cats in Thunderclan left with such... noticeable scars, wasn't she? The only cat she could think of off the top of her head with similar wounds was Dogbark - most of his muzzle had been long since healed over scars when he was deputy, but he was gone now. So now she was here, permanent and embarrassing reminders of how badly she'd lost everything, courtesy of Starclan themselves.

Her eyes flickered back to Rainpaw, mulling over how to answer his questions. She eventually just gave a half-hearted shrug. "It-it-it wasn't much different from what I went th-through alive, I guess. My parents were pretty much e-en-entirely paws-off when I was kit, my parent n' brother were ex-exiled when I was an appren--tice and one never came back, my lil' b-brother went missing right after Riverclan att--acked us t-that first time..." Bitterness slowly but surely crept into her voice. Why was the world so determined to rip her family apart again and again? She guessed she didn't mind talking about it so much -- the clan had already made a spectacle out of tearing her family in two twice, why not let them do it once more?

She shook her head. Didn't need to make this a pity party for her. She placed a hulking paw on the tom's shoulder. "...'S ju-just something you have to l-live with. The only p-p-person that can't leave or be ta--ken away from you is... you." Cinderpaw wasn't even sure of that part herself honestly; it felt like the things Thunderclan had wrung her through had destroyed her very sense of self at first. She still didn't know if there was still a repairable, lovable being inside her anymore.

[ @SpiritedWarrior ]

Rainpaw

Rainpaw's eyes flashed with surprise as the older apprentice nearly choked on her food. "S-sorry! I didn't mean to- um, be so... blunt, and, uh- I didn't mean to interrupt!" His pelt felt hot with embarrassment and shame. "Are you okay?!" I can't believe I nearly killed Cinderpaw- StarClan please don't be angry, it was an accident! Honest! He was thankful the older Clanmate wasn't upset over it. In fact... she was laughing! "Hehe..." the young tom attempted to laugh it off, but his paws were beginning to feel sweaty.

"My family was really distant from each other after my second sister disappeared... I remember my mom telling both Quietkit and Fallowkit not to be like me. I... snuck out of the nursery to listen to a ThunderClan meeting. Cinderstar went back to Cindersky and her deputy took over the Clan that day. It was... confusing for me, especially after my dad said Cinderstar was the leader and Sparrowflight was her deputy. In fact- I was so confused, I fainted! My father told me to go back into the nursery after that." Telling that story now made him laugh. Sure, he was upset and balling like a newborn kit when he got scolded, but looking back, it was quite funny!

"I guess we have something in common... our families drifted apart after some sort of event. Do... do you ever think of rekindling your relationship with your parents? Do you ever think of finding your brother?"

Feeling the she-cat's paw on his shoulder, Rainpaw couldn't help but feel like a kit being comforted by his sisters after being scolded. 'The only person that can't leave or be taken away from you is... you' Cinderpaw's words rang in his head for several long moments. For several moons, the young tom felt lost and thought his parents just didn't care for his sisters because they never tried hard enough to bring them back to ThunderClan. I was just on the wrong path. Quietkit was on the wrong path, but StarClan got her back on the right one. I guess StarClan's doing the same for me. Who knows, perhaps they're doing the same thing for Cinderpaw!

"How- how d'you suppose you'd adjust to Clan life again?" Rainpaw finally murmured. "I mean... that battle's long gone in our history. RiverClan is under new leadership, and they seem much better than their last one from what I heard. Do you think you'd ever forgive them for what they did since they changed?"

[littlelove]

Anger bubbled up as Rainpaw told his story. His parents telling his siblings to not be like him, scolding a kit for doing what, attending a meeting? How was she supposed to trust that everything was changed, was better when she still keeps hearing stories like this? Exasperation tugged at her head.

Turning to the younger tom, she swallowed any frustration she had. He didn't need to see it, when he was telling this as a funny story. There really had to be something wrong with her. It was supposed to be a story, so why couldn't she see it that way? It was like there was something within her missing or broken, keeping her from the same conclusions her clanmates reached.

"... There's no-not really anythin' to rekindle, I guess." She murmured, pushing a pebble between her front paws. "Everyone's l-l-long moved o-on from me. I was history, 'till they 'fi--xed' me." She bet Starclan was patting themselves on the back right now, applauding themselves for both getting such a problem child out of their pelts and punishing her at the same time! Such a great job. Despite the objections she got, she'd seen how everyone had lived on without her... unburdened. There were much better friends and families out there, ones that didn't include her, and it seemed everyone she'd known had already found them.

Rainpaw's next question felt like a million little bugs crawling up her back. Had it really been so long? Were the things that still ripped her apart today nothing better than a story to tell? An artifact of a forgotten time, forced to stand in a world who knew nothing of what she went through...

But she couldn't tell the truth about it. She didn't need to hear about how ungrateful and irrational and horrid she was for not forgiving, for not being able to forget like the rest of the world did. Especially since it didn't effect anyone but her - there were no kits or apprentices to stand up for this time, no reason she felt that she had to tell the truth. The her that could be truthful had died with a coyote's jaws around her throat.

"Maybe." Cinderpaw answered noncommittally, avoiding Rainpaw's eyes. "T-the world was turning just fine with--out me here, so I'd just rather not intrude on anyone. But... yo-your sisters weren't dead. They aren't--"

She paused. They weren't an affront to nature, Starclan's workhorse, a piece of history like she was. "Th-they were still here, somewhere. This is still their wor--ld, and it's clear at least s-s-someone still rem-remembered them." Her eyes met the younger apprentice's. She hoped he understood what she was saying.

[ @SpiritedWarrior ]

[SpiritedWarrior]

Originally Posted by littlelove

Anger bubbled up as Rainpaw told his story. His parents telling his siblings to not be like him, scolding a kit for doing what, attending a meeting? How was she supposed to trust that everything was changed, was better when she still keeps hearing stories like this? Exasperation tugged at her head.

Turning to the younger tom, she swallowed any frustration she had. He didn't need to see it, when he was telling this as a funny story. There really had to be something wrong with her. It was supposed to be a story, so why couldn't she see it that way? It was like there was something within her missing or broken, keeping her from the same conclusions her clanmates reached.

"... There's no-not really anythin' to rekindle, I guess." She murmured, pushing a pebble between her front paws. "Everyone's l-l-long moved o-on from me. I was history, 'till they 'fi--xed' me." She bet Starclan was patting themselves on the back right now, applauding themselves for both getting such a problem child out of their pelts and punishing her at the same time! Such a great job. Despite the objections she got, she'd seen how everyone had lived on without her... unburdened. There were much better friends and families out there, ones that didn't include her, and it seemed everyone she'd known had already found them.

Rainpaw's next question felt like a million little bugs crawling up her back. Had it really been so long? Were the things that still ripped her apart today nothing better than a story to tell? An artifact of a forgotten time, forced to stand in a world who knew nothing of what she went through...

But she couldn't tell the truth about it. She didn't need to hear about how ungrateful and irrational and horrid she was for not forgiving, for not being able to forget like the rest of the world did. Especially since it didn't effect anyone but her - there were no kits or apprentices to stand up for this time, no reason she felt that she had to tell the truth. The her that could be truthful had died with a coyote's jaws around her throat.

"Maybe." Cinderpaw answered noncommittally, avoiding Rainpaw's eyes. "T-the world was turning just fine with--out me here, so I'd just rather not intrude on anyone. But... yo-your sisters weren't dead. They aren't--"

She paused. They weren't an affront to nature, Starclan's workhorse, a piece of history like she was. "Th-they were still here, somewhere. This is still their wor--ld, and it's clear at least s-s-someone still rem-remembered them." Her eyes met the younger apprentice's. She hoped he understood what she was saying.

[ @SpiritedWarrior ]

Rainpaw

Rainpaw sensed something off with the older she-cat, but didn't dare speak up about it. It wasn't really his business what was going on in the gray apprentice's mind. But it was still... concerning, to say the least. Had he said something wrong? Something Cinderpaw didn't like hearing?

"No one moved on from you, Cinderpaw," he murmured, quite confused on why his Clanmate would say such a thing. "In fact, no one can 'fix' you except yourself. It's something I've learned over the past few moons. My former mentor got onto me for being grouchy when I was just missing my sisters and angry at my parents because they didn't try as hard to find them as I wanted them to. He didn't try to help me... I ended up running out of camp once. During a meeting. Just to get some fresh air, even when no warrior was accompanying me."

"I think, if you have a relative in ThunderClan, you should rekindle your relationship. It'll make you feel less alone in the forest." Rainpaw looked down at his paws, thinking of his father and mother. "I haven't talked with my parents much since I blew up on them. But I'm not sorry. And you know why? Because my emotions were- are valid, and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel like mouse-dung just because I was missing my littermates."

"You need to focus on the future and healing yourself, Cinderpaw. Not the past. Living in the past doesn't fix anything. And it never will. So stop your sulking, rekindle your relationship with your kin, and live the life you were meant to have!"

Word after word spewed out of his mouth and he forced himself to shut up and listen to the remainder of what Cinderpaw had to say.

"They'll always have someone to remember them. And so will you."

[littlelove]

And there it was. Motivational speeches like these were why Cinderpaw didn't like waving her tragic excuse of a life around - it took zero time for others to wax poetic about her accomplishments and worth when just a few moons before it'd been made all but clear that she had neither. She'd desperately tried to knit herself back together countless times, to stand up for herself and what she thought was right, to live a life she thought would make people proud... and what had it gotten her? Killed.

There was nothing left within her to fight for. Any fights she put up were for those who weren't being protected by anyone else - not her. Frankly, if she knew they would all be safe without her, she'd be wasting away out in the forest somewhere.

She forced herself to swallow her frustration, reminding herself that Rainpaw was one of the kids she sought so hard to protect. She should be glad he didn't get it. That meant he hadn't been through even half of what she had at his age, and shouldn't that make her happy?

"And you shouldn't f-feel sorry. Adults have been mistr-mistreating apprentices as long as I've b-be-been alive." She rasped. The older apprentice figured it was better she focus on uplifting the tom. Is leaving camp without a warrior what was considered that risky these days? It was really more of a suggestion when she had been alive last. "If an-anyone tries to belittle y-your feelings just 'cuz you're yo--ung, you can come'n tell me." Would that actually do anything? Who knew. It hadn't done crap before. But she could try again, for them.

The focus back into a motivational talk flared her frustration again. Yeah, there really was something up with her head if even kids were telling her to let go of everything that happened. Maybe that coyote hit her head on a rock. Maybe she wouldn't have come back if she hit it a little harder. In her chest, though, Cinderpaw knew that her inability to forget what happened long-preceded any coyote attack.

"There's no l-life I'm meant to have. Just whatever mess Star--clan decides to toss me d-down to clean up." The apprentice muttered, standing up from her place in her nest. She was just about ready to end this chat, but stuck around in case there were any other issues Rainpaw needed help with. Writing off what he'd gone through would be horrible, but they weren't the same. He and his siblings were more than salvageable. "Kid, you're y-young. I-- I don't wanna say you've n-n-never gone through anything hor--rible. 'Cause you ha-have. But you we-weren't there to see the things I have, even if you've seen other bad thi--ngs. An' that's good, because that's-- that's my whole goal! But... please don't act like no-now's when I can finally be like the rest of y-y-you. I've tr-tried. I can't. A-and it's fine."

[ @SpiritedWarrior ]

[SpiritedWarrior]

Originally Posted by littlelove

And there it was. Motivational speeches like these were why Cinderpaw didn't like waving her tragic excuse of a life around - it took zero time for others to wax poetic about her accomplishments and worth when just a few moons before it'd been made all but clear that she had neither. She'd desperately tried to knit herself back together countless times, to stand up for herself and what she thought was right, to live a life she thought would make people proud... and what had it gotten her? Killed.

There was nothing left within her to fight for. Any fights she put up were for those who weren't being protected by anyone else - not her. Frankly, if she knew they would all be safe without her, she'd be wasting away out in the forest somewhere.

She forced herself to swallow her frustration, reminding herself that Rainpaw was one of the kids she sought so hard to protect. She should be glad he didn't get it. That meant he hadn't been through even half of what she had at his age, and shouldn't that make her happy?

"And you shouldn't f-feel sorry. Adults have been mistr-mistreating apprentices as long as I've b-be-been alive." She rasped. The older apprentice figured it was better she focus on uplifting the tom. Is leaving camp without a warrior what was considered that risky these days? It was really more of a suggestion when she had been alive last. "If an-anyone tries to belittle y-your feelings just 'cuz you're yo--ung, you can come'n tell me." Would that actually do anything? Who knew. It hadn't done crap before. But she could try again, for them.

The focus back into a motivational talk flared her frustration again. Yeah, there really was something up with her head if even kids were telling her to let go of everything that happened. Maybe that coyote hit her head on a rock. Maybe she wouldn't have come back if she hit it a little harder. In her chest, though, Cinderpaw knew that her inability to forget what happened long-preceded any coyote attack.

"There's no l-life I'm meant to have. Just whatever mess Star--clan decides to toss me d-down to clean up." The apprentice muttered, standing up from her place in her nest. She was just about ready to end this chat, but stuck around in case there were any other issues Rainpaw needed help with. Writing off what he'd gone through would be horrible, but they weren't the same. He and his siblings were more than salvageable. "Kid, you're y-young. I-- I don't wanna say you've n-n-never gone through anything hor--rible. 'Cause you ha-have. But you we-weren't there to see the things I have, even if you've seen other bad thi--ngs. An' that's good, because that's-- that's my whole goal! But... please don't act like no-now's when I can finally be like the rest of y-y-you. I've tr-tried. I can't. A-and it's fine."

[ @SpiritedWarrior ]

Rainpaw

It felt strange to hear that warriors have been mistreating apprentices since... how old was Cinderpaw? He didn't know the answer to that question, but he wasn't just about to ask a she-cat her age. It was one of the easiest ways to end up on their dislike list.

"Thank you, Cinderpaw. I appreciate it," a small smile was thrown in the older she-cat's direction. The young tom did feel bad for what Cinderpaw was put through, even if he had no idea what happened to make her feel or even look this way. "Everyone will have some sort of accident in their life, whether you thought it was meant to happen or not. My dad- he ended up getting a few scars from someone. I don't know who or why, but he got them. Just remember it isn't just you who gets injured, ThunderClan will always be here to support you. I know I do."

As Cinderpaw got up, the young tom ruffled his light brown tuft of fur and stood up to stand next to her. "If that's what you think, friend," He sighed and began cleaning his paws. "I'm not the one who can change your mind, you have to do that on your own. But don't be afraid to talk to me. I don't mind listening to what you're thinking. I... I guess I'll leave you alone now, I reckon you don't want to talk anymore about your feelings. I respect it."

Rainpaw then walked away, leaving Cinderpaw to her thoughts.