subwoofer lullaby [p]

[dino.]

[ post-raid healing, pre-most recent meeting ]

Bumblestar was twitchy. On edge. Worried about Wolfpaw, Redhawk, Drizzlecloud, Springpaw; wondering how on earth she was going to get Birdsnow to turn over the cats who had laid their claws on the wrong Clanmates without losing more; how to wrangle feelings that involved Violetfreckle and her own uncertainty.

Ugh, Violetfreckle.

The worst of her injuries stung, but like always, the thoughts swirling through her head were what kept her wide awake, staring at the mass of flowers from before. They were beginning to wilt, weakened by the cold weather. She needed to clear them out soon, but she didn't want to. They reminded her of Vi. Gave her something to hold on to if the she-cat wasn't there.

She didn't understand why she felt so hung up over this one specific thing, and with a quiet grumble to herself, she draped her tail over her nose and closed her eyes, trying to get at least a few winks of sleep for the night.

[ @vellichor ]

[vellichor]

•° Violetfreckle °•
Rapid Recovery • Collector • Master Scout

---

Violetfreckle may have been a bit slow when it came to Bumblestar, but she would've had to be blind to miss the way she'd looked at Vi when she came back to camp. Ugh, and she hadn't even been able to acknowledge it at the time because she'd gone ThunderClan Leader Mode. Something heavy settled in her stomach; something about the air between them felt almost fragile. As if anything could shatter it and leave Violetfreckle where she was before.

The tabby made her way to the leader's den, surprisingly empty-pawed. She didn't want to get an old piece of prey or a closed flower for Bumblestar. She didn't deserve that. Hopefully Violetfreckle's company would be enough. With a deep breath, she peeked her head into the den to find a curled up Bumblestar. Her heart twinged and guilt pricked her. She was already halfway in, though, and the leader didn't seem asleep yet. She hoped.

Violetfreckle cleared her throat with a small cough. "Hey," she called softly, "mind if I come in?"

// @dino. \\

[dino.]

You know... just out of spite, Bumblestar almost wanted to pretend to ignore Violetfreckle as payback for that little stunt pulled in the medicine den. And she tried, she really did, but she only got a few seconds in before the pre-action guilt caught up to her and she craned her neck to see behind her, cheek pressed into her nest and eyes half-lidded.

"Nah." Bumblestar's voice was rough with exhaustion, and the 'please' left unsaid still managed to hang in the air. "I got room."

[ @vellichor ]

[vellichor]

•° Violetfreckle °•
Rapid Recovery • Collector • Master Scout

---

Silence. It was just a few seconds, yeah, but it felt like a season. Was she actually asleep? Did Violetfreckle wake her up? Was she wrong? About... everything? No. Maybe? No. ...Maybe? And then her voice. Oh StarClan above, she let out a breath she didn't even know she'd been holding. There was certain air about Bumblestar, this faux nonchalant attitude. Violetfreckle made her way forward into the den and wriggled her way into the nest, trying to take up as little room as possible.

A couple more seconds passed before she laid her head down with a sigh. "Sorry 'bout the whole medicine den thing. I just-- I dunno how much you want-" Oh StarClan, why was this difficult? "Dunno how much you want this. Us. To be out there. For all of them." Oh dear, maybe this was too heavy. "But, ugh. Probably not important right now. I just hope the battle went well. Could... would you tell me? I heard snippets from other cats but... I trust you most, yknow?" Her gaze flickered up for a moment.

// @dino. \\

[dino.]

Bumblestar took note of how Violetfreckle tried to avoid taking up more room than necessary. Unfortunately for her (maybe for both of them, depending on how this whole thing went), Bumblestar wasn't too keen on there being a whole lot of space left between the two. She wriggled closer and tried to press her side against Vi's, seeking comfort.

She was silent again, this time longer. There were too many words there, and it was difficult to pick them apart in her mind.

How much did she want out there? She was meant to be ThunderClan's guiding force, their pillar of strength, their sword to brandish unyielding. If 'them' became clear, what would that change about her? Would that pillar start to crack? That sword waver in weakened grips, simply because she showed vulnerability?

(Though perhaps it wasn't much of a secret to anyone aside from her now, given the scene that had unfolded in the clearing when that nameless snake decided to sink its fangs into Vi's neck. The memory was still hazy, still made her see red, relive the feeling of her throat being torn wide open.)

"I dunno. I just... I-"

The words shriveled on her tongue, hot like the baneful summer heat and as painful as stinging nettles - worse to swallow than to speak but she did it anyway. She sniffed a few times in succession and moved to tuck her nose into Violetfreckle's fur.

Now, battle, that she could talk about. It didn't take as much thought. "We lost a few," she murmured. "I'll have to count later, I... I couldn't in the moment. RiverClan was hit harder from what I saw, though. Infighting, rebellions, their own death toll..." Two had fallen to her claws alone. "It'll be worth it. They should know to back off."

She was talking as if Violetfreckle had always been ThunderClan. Sometimes it was hard to remember she hadn't been born here; Bumblestar felt at home around here, and it was easy to forget that Violetfreckle once had personal connections with the fish. Guilt at that made her stomach prickle. "If anyone they lost was someone you knew, I'm sorry."

[ @vellichor ]

[vellichor]

•° Violetfreckle °•
Rapid Recovery • Collector • Master Scout

---

The silence was intense, but was helped by Bumblestar initiating more contact. As if instinctively, Violetfreckle also scooted closer and wrapped her fluffy tail around Bumblestar's body. She gave the other cat's forehead a few licks as she tucked her nose into fluffy tabby fur. Violetfreckle should've known before the words left her lips that that was too much. Too too much right now; Bumble seemed exhausted.

Battle. Yes, battle. She had nearly forgotten she asked about it, more of a filler question than anything. And, yikes, it seemed her former Clan wasn't doing well. Not that they had been doing especially well in the past few seasons. Now it was Vi's turn to let out a little huff and bury her nose into Bumblestar's fur. The apology, well... it caught her off-guard. Oh. Foreign emotions flooded her, ones she didn't care to look into that hard. She dismissed them with the tiniest shake of her head as she lifted it up.

"There's not... I don't really have..." She paused to think. A sigh. "Nothin' for you to worry about. I don't think anyone there even noticed I was missing, save for the old high ranks whose job it was to keep track of that nonsense." Violetfreckle swallowed hard. "I'm sure they deserved it, anyway." She wished she could say something, anything else, but words seemed to evade her.

// @dino. \\

[dino.]

Bumblestar felt her ears warm at the licks delivered to her forehead. The gesture? Comforting. The resulting feelings? Decidedly not what she wanted to be feeling right now. It wasn't like normal - this was gnawing, gut-twisting, like anxiety but different or a little worse. She closed her eyes with a quiet huff.

"Alright." Violetfreckle's explanation didn't do much to settle the prick of guilt, but she would accept it for now, and for the third time, she fell silent. The thoughts in her head were borderline overwhelming, and if they had a physical manifestation she was sure they would tower over her and drown her in their intensity. She scraped her claws against the den's floor as she tried to pick them apart and separate them so that they would be a little less formidable. Concerns about the battle's aftermath, Wolfpaw, relations with the other Clans, and her feelings regarding the feline resting next to her, all pushed into their own little corners and corralled so she could make sense of them one at a time.

Starting with the most relevant.

"I... I wanted to- to talk. About... something." Bumblestar swallowed, keeping her eyes carefully away from Violetfreckle's. If she looked, she would shut down and what she wanted to say - rather, needed - would never get said. "Us. I guess."

[ @vellichor ]

[vellichor]

•° Violetfreckle °•
Rapid Recovery • Collector • Master Scout

---

Once again, silence rang out after Bumblestar's word. Violetfreckle just... StarClan above, she couldn't... there was nothing. Part of her mind insisted on reliving her days after leaving RiverClan and being on her own, how Starsdamn hard it was. And how the only one who noticed her back at that first Gathering was Gingerfrost. Violetfreckle wasn't quite moving much anymore, and her breathing was shallow as she got lost in memory. Emotion clogged her throat, and she tried to force it down with a hard swallow.

It didn't leave.

Nothing could really have pulled her out of it, aside from Bumblestar's voice, of course. It was as if her mind was attuned to it, listening for it, and paying attention whenever she heard it. About... something? The dark lilac she-cat turned her head toward the other cat to find it pointedly turned away. Another hard swallow as she, too, turned away. Could this be...? Yes, Bumble's next words confirmed her hopes and fears. There was a beat of silence, then Violetfreckle realized she hadn't spoken. "Yeah?" was all she could say, spoken around and ever-growing lump in her throat.

// @dino. \\

[dino.]

A single word. Violetfreckle's only response. Already, Bumblestar felt far more nervous about this than she should be. She didn't do this, this feelings thing. Thinking them was hard enough. Talking about them, especially when it could make or break something she valued more than her own life? It was enough to make her nauseous.

"Gimme a second," she mumbled, eyes still on the moss of her nest. Then at the flowers still clumped together at the back of her den. She needed to gather her words, so they wouldn't come out all jumbled and nonsensical.

They probably still would, but hey. A for effort, right?

"It's... It's just all so twisted in my head," she managed after a few quiet moments, the silence having only been broken by the occasional shift of her paws. "But I think someone would be real upset with me for not even tryin’ to get it out in the first place, so- here goes."

She sucked in a breath and lifted her head to finally look at Violetfreckle again, emerald green eyes darting back and forth between the olive ones that looked back at her. Bumblestar thought they reminded her of the leaves starting to change just as summer began to turn into autumn, or faded lichen at the edge of the riverbank where water lapped undisturbed.

"I think I want more. Than what we are right now. Not- not scattered conversations or friendship, just... more. Closer. Goin' out by ourselves, sharing meals, makin' the time instead of just stealing it whenever we're able. I want more. With you. 'Cause I've not felt this way about anyone else, and I really don't wanna waste it 'n let it go away. I think I'd feel empty."

[ @vellichor ]

[vellichor]

•° Violetfreckle °•
Rapid Recovery • Collector • Master Scout

---

"Gimme a second." Violetfreckle gulped. She still made sure to avoid eye contact, gaze flicking over every few seconds just in case but it seemed Bumblestar was still avoiding her gaze. That was okay. Kitten steps. And then she started talking again, and it was like the rest of the world fell away. It was just her and Bumblestar laying together in this nest, and nothing else mattered. Forget the war with RiverClan, forget the petty day-to-day squabbles between Clanmates, forget it all. She let out the smallest snort at the word "someone", guessing as to who that could be.

And then Bumblestar finally looked up. And Violetfreckle felt... StarClan above, she didn't even know. It was like she was staring into the eyes of a completely different cat, and not in a bad way by any means. Violetfreckle found herself getting lost in the other she-cat's bright green eyes, a small part of her noticing and admiring how they looked in the dark of the den. That same small part of her knew they looked even more bright and brilliant in the light and could stare into them for hours.

Her stomach churned. She didn't break eye contact. Couldn't, even. Her heart fluttered like a trapped bird in her chest, as if it was trying to escape the prison of her body. The lump in her throat dissipated but brought tears with it, finally forcing the tabby to break eye contact. She drew a paw up to her face, trying to wipe them away. This wasn't the right reaction, but it was all she could do not to start sobbing. Silence hung in the air. She opened her mouth to speak, willing anything to come out, but it didn't. Vi let out a frustrated huff, took a few deep breaths, all the while trying to press closer to Bumblestar to try to reassure her. Everything was okay. It was more than okay, in fact.

It had been too long, far too long, so very very long, but Violetfreckle finally managed to speak.

"I want it too." Well, now that she'd gotten a few words out, it seemed like she couldn't stop the rest of her thoughts from spilling out It was like she broke a dam, and now couldn't stop herself. "StarClan yes, I want it. I want it more than anything I've ever wanted. More than being RiverClan's deputy, more than being a Hornet, more than being anything. Stars, it's been so hard, but you...?" A fond look. More soft and tender than Vi knew she was capable of. "You make being here worth it. I want to spend time with you, be with you after those stupid meetings and be there when you're facing enemies." A deep breath -- she hadn't even realized she stopped breathing. Then, there was a soft laugh. "If some cat would've told me just a few seasons ago I'd fall in love with that strange cat from Firefly Cove, I would've clawed their face off." And with that, she leaned even more into Bumblestar -- if that was even possible.

// @dino. \\