[p] did my papa love me?

[c1nder]

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​☆｡. o Hazycry
❧ Shadowclan Warrior | She/Her
❧ Purrks - Shadow Fiend [Inactive], Kitty Softpaws T2 [Permanently Active], Silver Tongue T2 [Active], Monkey's Paw [Permanently Active]​
"I once believed that the road of happiness continued forever and ever into the distance. When it was destroyed, I realized for the first time that it lies upon a thin sheet of glass."
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she padded through camp towards the warm milk-scented nursery. nightshiver is whom she was going to speak to. she knew cougarbite well, didnt she? she tapped her paw before stepping into the den. "nightshiver. i… wanted to talk to you about papa- cougarbite. you took care of him as a kit, right? when uhm, brackenfire was busy?" it hurt her talking about her father, but she needed to know this pressing thing. "and as far as i know, you were close to a mother to him."

maybe nightshiver would know. "i always… got the feeling he didnt like me all that much. he loved all of us, yes, but… i only wonder what he would think now that i've discarded the name he gave me, in honor of dawnstar." the unspoken do you think he'll come back? was left as such.

- @Estelle

[Estelle]

Nightshiver
[ 65 moons | She / Her | Shc Forever Queen | Kitty Softpaws T1 ]

Her gaze softened when she saw Hazycry. Long ago, before her birth, she had promised to help Cougarbite however she could with his kits. She still remembered it clear as day; he had been pregnant, and worried how he would be as a father, asking her if she would be a sort of aunt of grandmother to his kits. Nightshiver had accepted, but when all the young had gone and disappeared - and she herself found herself in a position more precarious than before - her promise wasn't properly followed up on. She still held regret that she never reached out to Hazycry before, she didn't want to intrude on the grieving young cat; in truth, it was her self-consciousness that stopped her from helping a child that maybe just needed someone to lean on.

The queen cast her worries over the past aside, a soft purr alerting the blind she that Nightshiver we present. She sat up from her nest, offering her a soft smile even if she knew Hazycry couldn't see it.
"I....did. Your...your grand..mother's...m-milk never... came, and I..."
She trailed off. Very few remembered her first litter, even less knew the truth about her litter. As far as the clan was concerned, Nightshiver had given birth to one healthy and happy kit, only Dawnstar and the kit's father knew that she was in fact adopted. In truth, Nightshiver bore three kits dead before they could so much as take a single breath. Carried to term, and yet miscarried. The pain was still present in her heart when she thought about her young, but smiled and focused on the young one before her now.
"I was.. was able... to nurse.... them."
Alongside a few others, Nightshiver had taken in several kits during that time.

As Hazycry spoke on, Nightshiver's shoulders slumped with a dull ache in her heart, and she couldn't stop herself when she stepped forth. She allowed herself to sit by Hazycry's side, her paw lifting to tip the warrior's head up.
"Your father... would be... pr...proud... of you, love."
A soft smile graced her lips and she reminisced.
"He was... so...hap..happy.. when you... were born. I am...sure... of it. He was...just... Stoic, and...stubborn."
She chuckled.
"Many cats... in this clan... suppress... their...emotions. He was... one... of them. But... he loved... you. And... I think... your new... name... i-is... beautiful."

She paused, her eyes gazing over for a moment. She could feel the weight on the young warrior's heart, and Nightshiver moved to lightly bump her shoulder against Hazycry's.
"I know... you.. m-miss... your..father."
She admitted, slowly.
"Not...knowing.. what hap..happened... hurts more... than.. knowing they've... passed on, or.. left... willingly. I have... known... so many... that have... disappeared... without... a trace, never... to know... i-if... they are.. okay or.. why... they left. My... parents a-and...siblings... included."
She paused.
"For...many of... them... I still... don't know... what happened. But..., I am grateful... for the... the memories... I made... with them. Grateful... I knew... them, even... for just... a... a short... time. Living... with..with resent..ment.. only... hurts more, love."

She gave her a meaningful look, pondering her own words as they left her mouth. Was she overstepping?
"It..hurts. But... looking...looking back... and.. appreciating... the..the memories... you have... with them..., or...or accepting... that maybe... you will.... never know... them, is.. is better... than...letting.... the pain...and... confusion... fester. You need... to find.. peace..within.. yourself."


[ @c1nder ]