the past can come back as a nightmare [P]

[Luna16]

The moon shone bright in the night sky and the chorus of insects was soothing. Quiet as a shadow, Irisdream stepped along the undergrowth, keeping to the cover of darkness under the trees. She could hear a creek babbling nearby, but she wasn't here for a swim. Irisdream needed to clear her head. Too much had happened too recently, and it felt like her entire life went up in flames. Ever since she broke things off with Wavebreaker, Kitepaw kept her at tail's length away. She had no interest in anything Irisdream tried to bridge the gap between them. At least before she seemed to...try? Maybe? Or was she pretending? Maybe now Kitepaw felt like she could align more with her father and leave Irisdream behind too.

Her lips twitched, wanting to lift in a snarl but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Irisdream paused next to a tree, unsheathing her claws and in a flash lashing out at the bark. Leaving deep marks in the trunk. Her breath came quickly for a moment, but then she inhaled and collected herself again. Glancing at the tree with a regretful look, she continued on. Nothing like a little night-hunting to clear the head. She mused, although she was mostly trying to convince herself this was true. She opened her mouth to taste the air, searching for prey. At least then she could sink her teeth into something...hard.

Instead of catching the scent of prey, she heard the sound of rustling in the undergrowth. She tried to catch the scent but the wind was in the wrong direction for her to catch it. Mouse tails! Not knowing what was causing the sound, she dove into some ferns, pressing herself into the shadows to try and hide her pelt from the potential threat...

[@Quietheart]

[Quietheart]

Wavebreaker

|43 Moons|

Wavebreaker's dark pelt slid invisibly between the myriad leaves that hung gingerly upon the branches that would soon shed them for the incoming leafall. His broad body was the only indication of his position as he rattled the greenery to an early departure from its usual perch. He peeled the strings of the cobwebs from each branch until he had them wrapped around three loose twigs which he picked up between his teeth. He tried to maneuver his mouth cautiously so as not to perturb the delicate strands that hung from his jaw. Their slivering silver threads contrasting with his darker form. As he emerged from the brush the wind carried a familiar scent, and for a brief instance he felt a confusing sensation of initial glee that caused him to take a quick step forward into the open. He started to speak, then remembered the cobwebs in his mouth.

The excitement faded. He squinted his dark blue eyes scanning for Irisdream as he began to be flooded with follow up sensations of anxiety and tension which had become the norm since their separation. He wished he could just simply go to her and bury his muzzle deep into her soft silver and white fur. RiverClan had been through so much recently. But Wavebreaker knew better than anyone that she had no intention of letting any such thing happen. She made it clear even if it wasn't verbally, that there was a distance between them.

The tom laid the cobwebs at his feet, lifting his gaze to an oak tree that bore the silhouette of Irisdream. He called out skeptically "Irisdream? What are you doing out here?" He scanned her face watching her reaction carefully. Knowing her shes probably not going to give me anything to work with. He suppressed his sigh. His former mate wasn't exactly open with her feelings, it was both a quality he admired, and hated.

@Luna16

[Luna16]

Irisdream momentarily narrowed her dark blue eyes, but then forced herself to remain calm. She stepped out from where she had tucked herself away, every moment smooth and with purpose. "Hello, Wavebreaker." She meowed cooly, her voice both smooth but also cold as ice. It wasn't Wavebreaker's fault, and she knew that. Their relationship hadn't necessarily bad by any stretch, he treated her well and she knew his feelings were genuine. But he never really understood her - not that she really gave him the chance - and now he was just a reminder of her mother's manipulation on her life.

"I'm just out doing a bit of hunting." She continued, answering his question. Only the slightest wave of her tail betrayed that she hadn't told the entire truth, that she was out to clear her head. The hunting was a bonus. Her thoughts briefly went back to where she lashed out at the tree, hoping that Wavebreaker hadn't noticed it in the darkness. "Cobwebs for Berrypaw?" She meowed, flicking her tail at the cobwebs he had laid at his paws. A distraction both for herself as well as him, to deter the conversation away from her and what she was doing. While she didn't know that Wavebreaker made the assumption he had, she was unwittingly proving it correct.

[@Quietheart - Wavebreaker]

[Quietheart]

Wavebreaker

|43 Moons|

The supposedly seasoned warrior visibly flinched as the icy undertones of Irisdreams greeting stung him like an angry wasp. There was a small silence permeated only by the dancing jeers of the crickets that felt much longer than it should have for Wavebreaker. He felt his own tail wriggle uncomfortably as he watched the familiar micro motions of the she-warrior juxtapose the words that left her mouth. The tom had to consciously refrain from rolling his eyes, when she made her comment about the cobwebs.

"Irisdream.." Her name left his mouth in a beleaguered tone. "We only have one medicine cat, you know as well as I do this is going to Berrypaw." Its not like he had anything against the question, the problem was simply how Irisdream was trying to use it that bothered him. He wrapped his long black tail around his paws, the dark brown rings and accompanying splotches traced across the dirt earth save for the very nub of his tail which mirrored the darkness of night surrounding them.

He raised one of his thick forepaws towards the defaced tree where she had clearly been scratching. "Last I checked you hunted more promising prey than termites." He gave a small huff as he felt his face droop a little bracing for the worst. "You are one of our best hunters, after all." He hoped, but did not bet his praise would soften his comments much. "Clearly something more important than cobwebs are on your mind. Why don't you just tell me what's going on? I might be able to help?" He added hopefully.

@Luna16

[Luna16]

Irisdream winced subtly when Wavebreak spoke her name. Not in disgust, but in pain. They had known each other since she was a kit and Wavebreaker was training under her father. She didn't enjoy seeing him suffering, truly he had done nothing to deserve that pain. But she also didn't like how, despite his inability to understand her, he continued to see through her. "Well of course I know that." She meowed with an indignant tone, turning her head to the side with annoyance in her eyes. Damn him...so perceptive when I'd rather he not be. She looked back at him as he sat down, eyes sparkling with fire. "For all I know you were collecting those for a denmate." She knew the defense was weak, but she wasn't going to admit she was trying to distract from herself.

This time, when Wavebreaker pointed out her claw marks on the tree, she flinched more visibly. Her lips once more twitching with a desire to show her teeth, but she refused them. Fox dung...I had hoped he missed that. However, she huffed and regained her composure, forcing her fur flat. Her tail lashed twice with frustration as she considered his words and the situation carefully. Without breaking eye contact, she assessed the environment. It was clearly just the two of them out here, and Wavebreaker seemed rather comfortable where he was. Of course, she weighed the option of simply turning and ignoring him, but not only would that be rude it would ultimately accomplish nothing. Besides, Wavebreaker might actually be able to provide some insight.

Her ear twitched in a flicker of movement with annoyance, but the defiance lighting her eyes faded, her eyes returning to the deep, endless pools of dark blue. Nothing reflected in their depths, like a dark but turbulent water. She released a deep breath from her nose, sitting down and neatly curling her tail around her paws in one smooth movement. "If you insist." She mewed, her voice once more regaining it's cold calm. "It's...it's Kitepaw." She admitted, now breaking her eye contact and looking away to the side. She didn't want Wavebreaker to see the pain in her eyes. "She's pushing me away, and I'm not sure what to do." She didn't want to share any further.

She didn't want to admit how frustrating it was to experience this, to feel like she had failed as a mother. She didn't want to admit that her worst fear, of being like her mother, was potentially staring her in the face in the form of Kitepaw's apparent rejection. Because what else could this could this be that the same rejection she had given her own mother? Until the day she died, Irisdream had never been close to her mother. She was almost relieved when Pebblestorm succumbed to sickness resulting from the flood. She had never shared these feelings with anycat other than Blizzardoak, and she had no intentions of starting now. Besides, she knew how Wavebreaker had loved her family and respected her parents.

How could she possibly admit how motherhood terrified her because the thing she was scared of the most was being like her mother? He'd never understand...it's impossible. Wavebreaker carries his own scars from his own family troubles, and she could never expect him to see her family as anything other than idyllic in comparison. She knew that, she understood that about him. In a way, she wanted to protect that image and his memories of them. And this, at the core, was a key reason in why she made the decision that they could never work. Deep down, she had wanted to give him the chance, but she couldn't. She decided for him that she could never allow him to see the truth, because it would be too devastating for him to handle.

[@Quietheart]

[Quietheart]

Wavebreaker

|43 Moons|

His kithood crushes response was more measured than he initially imagined it would be, despite the traces of irritation present in both body and voice. Maybe if the moonlight hadn't been beaming so brightly Wavebreaker may have had a tougher time discerning her feelings. But if you appreciate someone you notice them, you pay attention to them, you notice their hurts, and they become a hurt unto you. He was sure that was what love was. So even if Irisdream did hate him for it, he would always be there for her hoping at least never to hurt her by doing so. He would listen to all the excuses and deflections she had in store for him, as long as he could stand it.

I just wish she'd tell me why though, why can't she stand the thought of being near me. Why does every question no matter the intention make her so edgy. He suddenly felt a rush of anger and adrenaline flare up through his body as she made another lame duck excuse refusing to give up on her initial deflection. For a moment he could have sworn he was staring into the same callous blue eyes of his mother Ripplestep indifferent to his role in her problems. Like it didn't matter that he was a part of her life. His pelt engaged in a tentative bristle as his breathing became uneven, not from the anger but the surprise and fear of it. For the love of StarClan why won't she just...

His embattled emotions dropped to a simmer as the headstrong, proud, obstinate love of his life dropped her guard for the first time in moons. It made Wavebreakers fur fall flatly against his pelt in shame, this wasn't Ripplestream, and the last person he wanted to emulate was Leapingfang. Blizzardoak would have rather eaten foxdung than watch Wavbreaker react this way to his daughter. He could hear the pain in his former mate's voice, he wanted to comfort her, to apologize for his own feelings, but Irisdreams eyes had run away from Wavebreaker at the mention of their daughter Kitepaw. He hoped she hadn't noticed, thankfully his pelt was much darker and more easily hidden than hers. He didn't want to ruin his first chance to mend some fences in moons.

Mastering himself the black warrior cast off his fears and really considered his answer. I've always looked at my role models, the cats I wanted to be like, will the same really work for her? Making sure he was ready to speak Wavebreaker let soft deep words fall like pillows from his lips "If you wan't it to be like that with her all you need to do is try, just be their for her. No relationship worth having is ever easy, but that's what makes it worth chasing. If something is difficult its worth doing. The harder the challenges the stronger the bond forged." He paused purposefully adding.."Just don't give up on her, you're her mother she will always need you."

He was paraphrasing something Blizzardoak had told him when he questioned whether or not a coward like him who let his mother down could be a warrior. He hoped her own fathers words might help her a little too. The silence of the night was feathered by the breeze carrying the gentle warmth of greenleaf. He tried to find comfort in it as he anxiously awaited Irisdreams reply.

@Luna16

Lol that quote was actually in my bio and I did really paraphrase it XD didn't think I would get to use that one so soon.

[Luna16]

Wavebreaker's bristling fur was not missed by Irisdream. She knew every inch of his fur in the same way that he knew her's. The scent of reeds that regularly wafted from his pelt when they shared a nest, or fish when he returned from hunting. The soft, fine texture of it, which she helped keep neat for countless moons. How she used to tease him that the wind was going to blow his fur away. But even though she noticed, she didn't react to it. Not visibly anyway. While Blizzardoak may have been upset by such a sight, she knew he would've been equally upset with her own behavior. She was being obstinate and indignant, but as long as she wasn't manipulative she was okay with that. Although...is this not just another form of manipulation?

Tsk, what a bothersome little voice. Pushing others way was not the same as using them like a plaything. Like a piece of prey your put your claws in and choose it's movements and actions before engulfing it fully. She knew that Wavebreaker was frustrated with her, and maybe part of her was glad for that. Maybe if he got frustrated enough, he'd finally give up on her and realize, as she had, that they could never be. Because she could never fully give him the chance.

She blinked in surprise as Wavebreaker spoke next. His words struck her like a claw. No...like ice. She recognized the words as her father's. But her surprise wasn't...bad persay. In fact, perhaps for the first time ever, the emptiness in her eyes released their grip. There was a...glint there. A spark of recognition, of warmth, of life. "Daddy..." The word tumbled from her mouth in a mumble before she realized it. She never called Blizzardoak by that name in front of others. It was not proper. "That was...almost his voice. He told you something like that...didn't he?" The question was rhetorical of course, who would know Blizzardoak's wisdom better than she did? And what could she expect from the cat who studied under him? Wavebreaker had been Blizzardoak's most cherished apprentice in all his years as a warrior.

She stared ahead for a moment, not at Wavebreaker. Not at anything in particular actually, just stared. Then, as if somecat had brought their claws down on her head, she snapped out of it. Her posture returned to what it was, and her gaze mostly returned to how it had been. Except...now it was a little softer. Though still, nothing was truly given away in their depths. "I hope you're right, Wavebreaker." She murmured, a longingness in her voice. It seems that, using Blizzardoak's words had more of an effect than Wavebreaker has intended. It softened her, she felt more...comfortable and at peace. Moreso than she has in a long time. "I fear that...she hates me now." She didn't finish the thought. They both knew what she was referring to. Afterall, as far as either of them are concerned, I am the one that tore apart our family...

At the end of the day...was she really no different from Pebblestorm?

[@Quietheart]

[Quietheart]

Wavebreaker

|43 Moons|

As Irisdream seemingly fell into a daze Wavebreaker knew he had struck a chord somewhere. Her normal composure gave way to a tenderness reserved for those who the she-cat had spent her life with. It was as if the tension had been sucked out of the forest suddenly when he spoke his mentors words. The atmosphere was no longer oppressive and both cats could finally breathe the free air again, rather than compete endlessly with vapid and empty arguments. The pale icy blue grey of her lush fur seemed even to soften as the moon raised ever higher in the night sky, which began to reveal little sprinkles of silver stars peering out from the blackness to greet the living below.

Lizzie are you here again, helping me now too? He had not seen the Calico kittypet since the flood 13 moons ago. It was only then that he had learned her name. A feeling of comfort washed over Wavebreaker more pervasively now. Somehow he just knew, she was there with him. As he soaked in the profound change in Irisdreams demeanor. He wished Lizzie could visit him in a dream again. He wished he knew what had become of his father Couragestream. It was something he'd never even told Irisdream, a kittypet visiting a clan cat in his dream? She would probably think it absurd. His former mate did know he believed his father to be alive, but not why so fervently.

He closed his eyes calmly listening to Irisdream ask about her fathers words aloud, her voice giving every indication of not really anticipating an answer. Wavebreaker sealed his deep blue eyes behind their natural curtains, nodding at her question softly with his eyes closed in some sort of impossible attempt to reach out to the universe. Father where are you? He betrayed no melancholy, the warrior simply bathed in the placidity of the moment. His full focus returned to the reality of the moment as he tasted the flower filled scent of Irisdream still hovering on the wind, followed closely by her affirmation of his words.

"I know I'm right." he reassured "I was trained by the best remember?" The tom smiled a tinge of playfulness in his tone. That playful spirit was quickly tucked away when Irisdream spoke with a somber tone about their daughter. It made the toms ears lie low as the weight of her concern reached him. Wavebreaker couldn't help himself and even dared to pad a little closer trying to keep his strong feelings for her in check. He stopped just close enough to meet her gaze and give her a friendly tail flick to the shoulder. "She doesn't hate you," He cooed in his low rolling voice. "Every she-kit acts like they hate their mother at that age. Your telling her things no kit wants to do, she just wants to play and not be coddled. I mean it was same with you and Pebblestorm right?"

@Luna16

[Luna16]

Irisdream felt a shudder wrack her body when Wavebreaker nodded, confirming her suspicions. Not that she needed the confirmation, she'd recognize her father's words anywhere. She was glad Wavebreaker's eyes were closed, she didn't feel like she had her usual control over herself, and she didn't want him to see that. She couldn't help a small, fragile chuckle at Wavebreaker's joke, a delicate sound like the bell kittypets sometimes wear around their necks. "Of course you were." She purred, a melodic sound. "On that, we can agree." Her relationship with her father was very different from that she had with her mother. Blizzardoak knew how...difficult Pebblestorm was. Sometimes he even stood up for her, and he was always gentle and encouraging.

She was starting to feel more confident in herself and in Kitepaw. Maybe Blizzardoak and Wavebreaker were right, and she only had to show Kitepaw the conviction of her feelings. "She doesn't hate you." The comforting coo from her former mate was so familiar... She didn't flinch away from his touch either, in fact she felt a temptation to lean into it but held herself back. She made the decision to place that separation between them, she couldn't be the one to cave so easily. It was just...difficult when something so familiar was so far out of reach. She closed her eyes and continued to listen to his words, like the rolling of the waves. She was a little dubious about his reasoning, Kitepaw didn't seem the type to act out simply out of rebellion.

"I mean it was same with you and Pebblestorm right?"

Irisdream froze.

"t was same with you" - her blood felt as though it turned to ice.

-"and Pebblestorm right?"

First, it felt like her heart completely stopped. She could've sworn that she heard something hard break. She felt like she had been removed from her body. Her eyes were still closed, as if her body was frozen. She could feel herself throwing herself at Wavebreaker and pinning him down, snarling in his face...screeching at him. "How..." She mumbled. But when her eyes finally shot open, she was still sitting where she was. The scent of reeds overwhelming her, until they faded and all she could smell was... "How..." She repeatedly, her mind had gone blank. She didn't realize it, but she was trembling violently, her eyes staring at Wavebreaker now were wide and horrified. How dare you say that to me!

Irisdream felt her breath coming on fast, her heart was pounding now. She could feel it rushing in her ears. But she couldn't form thoughts anymore, and she couldn't bare looking at Wavebreaker for a heartbeat longer. Without saying anything else, or giving any warning, the pale she-cat turned where she sat and shot off. Running blindly through the forest, following the sound of the creek.

Dandellion.

"Worthless!"

Poppy.

"This type of conduct is not befitting of this family!"

Daffodil.

"Come now, Iris dear. I'm the one who gave birth to you and this is how you repay me?"

Irisdream suddenly felt water at her paws. She yelped in surprise as she fell into a river. The creek turned! Thankfully, she was a RiverClan cat. Despite her panicked state, she instinctively found herself in the water and breached the surface, gasping for air. She was still trembling, now from the cold as well as from fear. She had completely lost her focus, she couldn't think of flowering plants anymore. It was something she had always done to try and ground herself, to drown her mother's voice from her head when it became too much to bare.

"How ungrateful! You're no different from your father, you don't really love me!"

A growl escaped Irisdream's throat, this time for real. "Just shut up!" She yowled, ducking her head under water and then back up. Shaking her head vigorously as though trying to shake a stubborn tick from her ears. Irisdream swam back to the shoreline, her pelt already beginning to dry. She didn't bother shaking the water from her fur, instead she unsheathed her claws, digging them into the ground that becoming more damp from the drops coming from her fur.

"Fine. If that's how you want things to be then just go. I'm only the one who carried you in my belly and gave birth to you. I bled for you. But what do I care?"

"Damn you..." Irisdream growled under her breath. "Don't you know when to quit?" She felt like slamming her head on the ground as hard as she could, maybe that will finally free her from her mother's condescending voice. Instead, she lashed out at the wet ground with her claws, screeching in pure rage. Her claws left gouges in the earth and shredded grasses and flowers around her, but for the first time in her life Irisdream was blind with fury.

"I mean it was same with you and Pebblestorm right?"

He said it...with such an innocent voice. He confirmed Irisdream's worst nightmares without even realizing what he had done. After a while, the enraged she-cat collapsed from exhaustion. Panting and gasping for breath. Her paws were covered in scraps of grass and mud, and her pelt was still wet. But finally, her mind started to clear. As though storm cloud were parting. She realized in that moment what happened. She had heard something break back there. Whether it was her sanity or her heart, she wasn't sure. But she was certain that she heard it, she felt it. Damnit Wavebreaker...why can't you see? She turned her gaze to the sky, and felt like wailing to the stars in a desperate plea. Why can't you see me?

[@Quietheart]

[Quietheart]

Wavebreaker

|43 Moons|

As Wavebreaker locked his gaze with hers, he absorbed her growing confidence like a salve to his sickly soul. The subtle affections displayed in her eyes, like rippling pools sparkling under the moonlight drew him in. And he was sure then that the same feelings were reflected in his own. Every response in this moment, every purr felt as if it lasted a lifetime. It was all he ever really wanted, this connection. When she did not recoil from his touch his heart skipped a beat. In the empty desert of their previous arguments, this was the promised rain he knew was always on the horizon. But as the last words hung reverberating in the air he saw his hopes, listing perilously. Irisdream looked suddenly gobsmacked, like he had just ran her through with his own two claws.

Her lower lip was quivering, but the warrior could not discern if it was out of fear or anger. Wavebreaker did not allow his own body to shake as he was overcome with an immense feeling of loss. He tried to think, to speak... but nothing would come as he tensely observed his shell shocked partner. As she dropped the words "How..." repeatedly like an elder who had seen to many leafbares, her sanity having fled the safety of their earlier moment of tenderness. Her pale colors shivered and tremored like an agitated blizzard. Before he knew it Irisdream had turned away sprinting in the opposite direction, putting their age old distance between them once again. "Why!?..." The words escaped his mouth unwillingly, and tinted by the gratings of his sadness and frustration. He was unsure if Irisdream had even heard him.

Wavebreaker stood motionless under the tall oak for several seconds till the flood of emotions overcame his shock and he was forced to pace back and forth around the mighty landmark. He began tentatively digging his claws anxiously into the earth in an effort to let out the strangling energies contained within his massive form. He felt his mind racing What did I say? I didn't mean to.... I didn't want to hurt her like that. Choked with grief the tom began ramming into the old oak in penance. Striking it undeservedly just above where Irisdream had leveled her abuses on it. "Stupid stupid stupid stupid." With each powerful strike against the wood he uttered another beration. Eventually silence settled, only the wind, leaves, and crickets keeping him company.

That is until a familiar yowl split the air snapping him back to his senses. Irisdream! Wavebreaker flung himself in the direction which she had sped off. His heart was racing as he tailed her scent, and glanced her rough clawmarks which had torn the earth revealing her presence. He skidded to a halt just before a river where the tracks disappeared, and peered across to see the disheveled form of his former lover on the opposite bank. Her beautiful fur dripped and hung low from her shivering body like a bristling porcupine that he dared not approach. He felt his heavy breaths staggering into his body as he stood muted, watching Irisdream stare into the sky. He wanted to be relieved she was okay, but Wavebreaker knew that somehow she wasn't he just didn't know why.

He just couldn't process his thoughts though, around her he was always a muddled mess, nothing like the cats he tried to emulate. He summoned all the strength in his chest and all the courage in his soul. "Irisdream.. Why, what did I say what can I do..." His voice was shackled by both apprehension for how his words would affect her, and concern for her well being.

@Luna16