i pretend i know my thoughts; can't live with them

[occultation]

【 S H A D O W F U R 】

[ @Undertaker ]

The sky above was peaceful and clear, a swath of stars shimmering silently among the swath of black. A gentle breeze drifted through the clearing, but there were no leaves to receive its push.

Shadowfur sat quietly atop a small rock, gazing at the tall pines that lay only a stone's throw from ShadowClan's camp. His mind was not at all a perfect reflection of the calm that currently lay over the forest. Rather, it was like the polar opposite, swirling and thundering with such intensity he wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle it much longer.

His typical strategy for dealing with vulnerability and unwanted thoughts was to squash them and shove them to the back of his mind to collect dust. It was far simpler, and more comfortable, than having to acknowledge them. Acknowledgement meant he had to deal with them. How could he be expected to deal with problems that had no visible solutions?

He couldn't fight these issues with teeth, claws, herbs, or words. These problems were within him, conquerable only by a power he didn't have.

After what happened to Alderpaw, he'd told himself he wouldn't get that close to any cat ever again. It simply wasn't worth it. Then, Mirehound came into his life, and he got attached to her. After what happened to her, he told himself he wouldn't get that close to any cat ever again. It simply. Wasn't. Worth it.

For a while, that plan worked. He lived in relative isolation, as much as possible given his position in the Clan. But then, Mousekit came along. The bouncy, impressionable, promising little tom who seemed to cross Shadowfur's path by chance at every given opportunity. Without even being aware of when it happened, he'd started to care for the tom.

He hated the foreign feelings that confronted him whenever he was around Mirehound, or around Mousekit. He felt an urge to protect them that was stronger than the urge to protect himself. He felt vulnerable with them. It seemed to cloud his judgment and his character, no matter how badly he didn't want it to be that way.

All he wanted was to be pragmatic in every situation, able to separate feeling from what was necessary to survive. He didn't want to be biased toward any cat because of these... attachment feelings he had.

There was only one cat in the whole Clan who seemed to successfully remain pragmatic while having relationships with her Clanmates. He wasn't terribly acquainted with the relationships she had with her so-called daughters and her apprentice, but to Shadowfur it seemed that she cared for them.

How did she do it? How did she manage to care for these cats while still looking upon every member of ShadowClan equally? How did she remain so coldly focused on survival and power above all else, no matter what? Were there ever moments when she felt vulnerable, lonely, or afraid?

He looked over his shoulder toward Dawnstar's den. He'd never spoken with his leader about anything but professional matters. Part of him suspected that she might not trust him, but then again did she really trust anyone?

His desperation to find some sort of control and understanding of his own emotions overrode his hesitation to approach her. Hopping off the stone, he padded over to her den. "Dawnstar? I know this is probably an odd request coming from me, but would you be available for a walk? I'm quite restless tonight, so I'd enjoy the company."

[Undertaker]

@Cherry~
It evaded her once again, sleep that is. She was getting enough naps that she could function adequately... mostly. She might snap here and there, but she had a solid reign on her anger so her outburst was often directed at those who deserved them. Having already cleaned out her den, removing the pelts that were too old to remain, and even cleaning out the old moss replacing it with new, Dawnstar could sadly say that she was rather bored. Dawnstar didn't dare delve too deeply within her mind considering that some thoughts that were brought up were less than kind. Not to mention, her paranoia would begin to flare.

The Shadow Queen debated whether she would go out night hunting. It was a relaxing activity and would keep her busy without needing to delve into pesty thoughts. She knew what she should be doing is thinking about finding a deputy for the clan. The only issue with that was there was literally no one in the clan that had piqued her interest. Dawnstar was tired of handing out that rank to cats just because they 'needed' a deputy. She wanted someone to actually earn the rank, to show interest and initiation, like she had when she wanted to serve under Icestar.

She had fumbled a bit, considering that Behemoth had gotten the rank over her, but eventually, she had earned her rightful place. There was no one here with the same drive she had when wanting the rank. Several of her Enforcers would probably make decent deputies, but Dawnstar honestly didn't want them in the rank of deputy. She was quite comfortable with them serving as her elites, Dawnstar wouldn't have to worry about them failing her then. Or worse, trying to usurp her.

Her paranoia was bad enough as it was, she didn't need to worry about someone trying to kill her for the rank of a leader. Dawnstar's tattered ears jerked to attention at the call of her name. Hackles lifting out of habit, she forced her fur to lie flat. This would be the second time she's been called out on a walk in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, yet, considering the first one had gone alright she pushed her worries to the back of her mind.

Yawning, the giant stood, shaking out her scarred pelt, and made her way out of her dark den. Her pools of amber locked on the emerald gaze of a large black Enforcer with a hint of curiosity. "You and your former apprentice do seem to enjoy pestering me for nighttime strolls," Dawnstar grunted. She had a scowl etched into her face though her tone held no malice or irritation in it. She could do something to keep her busy tonight. "I'll honor you with my presence but don't think this is going to be a normal thing. I'm bored and sleep eludes me tonight." Dawnstar adds simply to sound more cranky than she actually was.

[occultation]

【 S H A D O W F U R】

[ @Undertaker ]

Shadowfur was rather surprised that Dawnstar agreed to accompany him without any hesitation or pushback. He knew of the leader's paranoia; he figured she'd want to know more about his sudden desire for her company. But, he certainly wouldn't complain.

Nodding, the massive tom headed out of camp. Once they were a fair distance from any prying ears, he began to speak. Neither of them were ones to waste time, so he wasn't about to try to.

"There's a couple things I wanted to talk to you about, actually. Lately... I've been feeling at odds with myself. I frequently feel as if I'm not doing enough for ShadowClan. I'm taking out patrols, training, and trying my best to keep an eye out for cats who don't have our Clan's best interests at heart. Whether they're part of ShadowClan, or not. Lately, though, it hasn't felt like enough."

He stopped, allowing his claws to sink into the soft earth. "I want more responsibility. I want to be able to feel like I'm truly making a large difference in ShadowClan; I want to have an impact on our survival and our well-being." He paused, glancing over at Dawnstar. "I'd like to be put in charge of patrols. Not because I think the other Enforcers are incompetent, but because I think it's a way for me to make more of an impact." He flicked his tail. "If you don't want to give me that job, then I want something else. Something that's more than just holding training events and taking out extra patrols."

He still had every mind to talk to Dawnstar about his issues with Mousekit and Mirehound, given that his desire for more responsibility largely connected to his feelings of inadequacy when it came to protecting them.
But, he felt it was best to start here. Otherwise, the issue would burn a hole in his mind and keep him on edge for their entire walk.

[Undertaker]

@Cherry~
The she-cat trailed behind the enforcer silently as he lead the way out. Despite being relatively certain that she'd be fine, her senses were on high alert and her body remained tense. As he paused, turning to speak to her, Dawnstar took a seat nearby a stray pine and quietly listened to him speak.

Well, this might be the first time she's been asked for more responsibility to be placed on the shoulder of a warrior. She hadn't a clue why he was feeling so inadequate, for an Enforcer Dawnstar felt that he's been fulfilling his role quite admirably. He was constantly in her den for one thing or another and had two apprentices to train, she didn't get what more he wanted. Normally, she'd just assume that he wanted more power, but he hasn't really given any indication that he was gunning for the deputy rank. She doubted she'd give him it anyway since she was content with keeping him as Enforcer. Not to mention, he could have challenged Cougarivy if he was after power.

Ah, that difference made a bit more sense. What kinda difference was he planning on making? Was this some kinda midlife crisis or something? The Queen shoved her ears back at the mention of him taking over patrols and curled her lips as if she had tasted something foul. Perhaps she had been wrong then, maybe he was gunning for something more? Her paranoia screamed that Shadowfur wanted to take over patrols because he wanted to be seen as deputy, it'd be only a matter of time before he began asking for more and more, inching his way toward her rank. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

Before she began spat out a solid no, she recalled she had given cats without the rank of deputy the right to handle patrol before. But none of them had requested to take on that task. Traditionally, deputies hold the right to take care of patrols, but Dawnstar was all about breaking traditions she found dull or worst have shown to have terrible results. Allowing Shadowfur to have the right to take patrols wouldn't be any different, she decided deputy no one else. Still, even with that reminder, she was uneasy about this.

"Speak with the other Enforcers, if they are alright with you taking over handling patrols, I'll allow it." She sighed thoughtfully. Her paranoia would keep flaring up and darkening, warring with reason if she was left with the choice. She knew she was probably putting far too much faith and responsibility in her Enforcers, but even if she didn't fully trust them all, they've competence made up for it. She needed aid if she was going to run this clan. She hated the idea that she was falling into so unknown ploy but she'd get nowhere relying blindly on paranoia.

[occultation]

【 S H A D O W F U R】

[ @Undertaker ]

Dawnstar's initial reaction was mostly what Shadowfur had been expecting. The part of him that had expected her to kill him or exile him right then and there sighed in relief, while the rest of him awaited for what she'd actually say. If the look on her face was any indication, she was going to say no. She looked as if he'd told her he liked eating mouse bile.

She was quiet for a while. It took all of his willpower not to show any of the uncertainty that churned within him. If there was one thing he'd learned under Dawnstar's leadership, it was that keeping emotions in check was essential. The Shadow Queen wasn't exactly the type to do that with a flawless record, but he always felt she had the expectation that her Clanmates would.

And then... she said yes?

The shock that rocked him was strong enough that it actually worked its way onto his face. His face twisted into a briefly odd expression; it lasted for only a second before he forced it to return to normal. Well, it seemed even Dawnstar had some surprises.

What should I say? Thank you? No, that would seem like groveling. Do I stay silent? Would that seem disrespectful?

After spending perhaps a moment too long pondering over this issue, the black tom finally decided that he ought to just acknowledge her terms and promise her his best. That seemed like the best idea. "Of course. I'll speak with them as soon as I'm able. If they say yes, I'll keep on top of them. I don't plan on being a failure." Then again, does anyone?

He took note of what seemed to be a hint of paranoia edging its way out of her. He supposed that was to be expected; her Clanmates had tried to overthrow her multiple times. She probably figured he was no different, clamoring for a spot deeper within her circle because he wanted to take her spot.

And, in a way, she was right. He did want her spot. It was something he avoided admitting to anyone, including himself. He still had no intention of telling anyone. But, he couldn't deny that becoming leader had its appeal. As much as he agreed with some of Dawnstar's methods and beliefs, he felt ShadowClan had suffered under her. She took things with WindClan too far, and her blasé attitude about violence had opened the floodgates for ShadowClan's own to explore their darkest impulses. She was a great warrior and a skilled enough leader, but she was also unstable and ruled too much by fear, rather than respect.

He wanted that deputy spot. But he certainly wasn't going to take it by force. He didn't believe in that. Taking a leadership by violence wasn't the right way to do it. If he was ever going to get to power, he'd do it the right way or not at all. But if that was ever going to happen, he needed Dawnstar to trust him. Whatever "trust" meant to her.

The dark warrior began walking again, staying silent for a couple more moments. Perhaps opening up to her about what had been bothering him for so long would help to break down whatever rock wall was still between him and her seeing him as something other than a possible threat.

"Lately," he began. "I feel that I'm losing control of my emotions, more than I have in a long time. I've gotten to know Mousekit more; he's a good kid, but he gets himself into trouble more often than not it seems. And... whenever he does get himself into trouble, it bugs me more than it should. I'm usually good at shutting my emotions down, and putting survival over whatever my emotions tell me I should care about."

He paused, glancing back at his leader. "You always seem to be able to keep your feelings about those you care about in check. It never seems to rise above your focus on survival, or on leadership. How do you do it? Maybe I'm just overestimating how much you care about your kin. But, you're the only cat in this Clan who seems to have a balance between caring about certain cats - whatever that means to you - and surviving."

Shadowfur was intensely curious about what her response would be. Would she call him an idiot, or entertain his question? Both? Neither?