Pacing.

Heart racing.

Irisdream couldn't keep her white-toed paws still this evening. The Gathering long since passed - it felt like moons ago even though it was only a few nights ago, and still there were thoughts she was no longer able to suppress. Even Kitepaw had been staring at her differently, and it made her pelt prickle. Was she slipping? Losing control of her exterior? Irisdream barely suppressed a hiss of frustration - all this time trying to shake her mother's influence, and yet she still clung so desperately to the illusion of control Pebblestorm shoved down her throat. Will I ever be free of that fox-heart? But then, that wasn't really the problem anymore was it? Irisdream's pacing quickened. Thankfully, she was outside of the camp, but only just. Behind the dens, shaded in darkness, no cat would think to look for her there. And thankfully, despite her frustrations, her paws made little to no sound even though she felt like she was stomping.

The silvery feline knew what needed to be done. She had come to this conclusion at the Gathering, but been unable to enact it. And frankly, it's been distracting. She could only pray Duskleaf and the rest of the clan hadn't noticed- who was she kidding. Only Duskleaf and Kitepaw would have noticed any changes in her demeanor, and it likely that they both did. Irisdream exhaled a deep sigh. This had to be done. They needed to have a conversation about things, to really hash things out. Not in a bad way! But...Irisdream needed clarity. This ambiguity was driving her mad. She blinked her dark blue eyes when she realized her pawsteps suddenly stopped. Looking up, she noticed her paws had brought her to a tree, and she recognized it immediately. This was Duskleaf's tree. Tilting her head upwards, Irisdream looked at where his nest used to be, and remembered how she first met him.

By now, of course, she'd helped him move into the warrior's den with their clanmates. He'd been...an almost constant companion of her's in recent moons now that she thinks of it. Oh stars...please help me. The lithe feline sat leaning her head against the tree, bowed in silent prayer. I have monopolized this young cat's time...even met his family now... But...this cannot be. Instinctively, she knew her mother would not approve. Pebblestorm was quite traditional in that an age gap was fine if the tom were the older party, but not this. And although she didn't give a lick what her mother thought of things, it still nagged her. Some of what Pebblestorm taught her still held some degree of truth to it, so what about this? Was this...inappropriate? Should she not feel this way about Duskleaf?

Irisdream was no fool, she knew now more than ever how she felt about him. She felt warm and secure whenever she was near him, but more than that she felt a longing. A longing to be near him, to support him, to help him in anyway she could. I...I l- No! Irisdream lightly lifted her head and let it impact the tree trunk with a soft thump. I can't even dare to give those words life...even in my own mind. I don't have the right. She didn't want to do this...but with her luck Duskleaf would show up soon, possibly descend from this very tree, his tree, and inquire as to what's on her mind. StarClan...I... "I don't want to do this... Please..." Please don't make me do this! Wrapping her tail tightly around her paws for support, she struggled to regain her usual composure. This talk that she needed to have with him...she knew it very well could be the last time they ever spoke.

And the pain of that knowledge was almost too much for her to bear.

@Seamrog - Duskleaf

Pawsteps. Familiar pawsteps...the feelings the pawsteps gave her were a sense of safety. And she knew without turning whose paws they belonged to. At the first sound of his voice, she whirled her head around. Even though she knew it was him, there was perhaps a part of her wishing it were a figment of her imagination. Irisdream felt her heart race at Duskleaf's smile, and then felt the tightness. As though an enemy's claws were constricting themselves around her heart, trying to squeeze it until it popped. Her expression wavered, she was unable to bring her usual composure to her expression. And she realized she likely wasn't able to shield the pain from her eyes either. "I'm..." No.

She was starting to say she was fine, but she wasn't. And lying to cover up her feelings was the opposite of what she knew she needed to do when she saw him again. Looking at him now...she was beginning to lose all of whatever confidence she managed to build up. She couldn't just say she's fine like she usually did to others, not with Duskleaf. It would be pointless anyway, she knew he'd see through it. "Acutally no...in truth I'm not fine." She mewed with a small sigh. Irisdream blinked her dark blue eyes up at him, her good ear twitching anxiously. She didn't want to start this conversation...but it needed to be done. "I was actually...just thinking of you." She mewed, unable to help a small smile coming to her face. Laced with the conflicting emotions of affection and pain. She couldn't help herself, she reached over to touch her nose to his briefly in an affectionate gesture.

"I believe that...we may need to talk. And if I'm not mistaken, you already know what about." She took a deep breath. She knew this would be hard...but she sorely underestimated how hard it would be. "Duskleaf I..." She faltered. Looking into her green eyes, eyes that offered her such shelter, she faltered. Be strong! Swallowing down the words she truly wanted to say, the silvery she-cat continued. "I believe that...we may be develeopi- no...we have developed feelings for each other." Irisdream could feel a tightness in her through, like her body was tearing itself up inside her. She wanted to just cry and run, hide away in a dark den somewhere. But she had to do this. It was the right thing to do.

Irisdream looked up at Duskleaf, struggling to maintain eye contact. Largely because this was pretty much the opposite of what she wanted to say. And she could feel a part of herself clawing desperately to breach to the surface, to tell him what she truly thinks and feels. "However I...I am not certain that this...that we...are compatible." There. She said it. Now to finish the logic. Then surely, Duskleaf would see reason. "You and I are just...well there's simply too wide of an age gap." Especially after meeting his mother, and realizing how much closer in age she was to her, Irisdream was sure that this would be a problem. She was convinced. "What I mean is...I'm too old for you Duskleaf. You...y-you deserve a cat who's younger, able to offer you more. Who still has the beauty of their youth, and does not come with as much of a load..."

It was impossible to keep the sobbing out of her voice now. Even though she knew she was right, describing the type of cat Duskleaf deserved, picturing him with some other she-cat, it felt like a badger was ripping her chest apart. She looked down at her paws, trying to hide just how much paint these words were causing her to say. Though her whiskers, her body, trembled with it. "You...you're a Lionheart again. The clan looks to you for an example...and being with an older cat like me is not... A cat with the kind of scars I have, at my age, cannot properly represent you to the clan." Just stare at your paws, Iris. If she looked up at him now, she feared she might run away. Not from RiverClan of course, but away. Perhaps sleeping in a tree won't be too bad... Stars, what will she do? When Duskleaf sees the logic in her words...he'll no doubt choose a younger, prettier mate than her. And Irisdream wasn't sure she could bear to watch it happen.

The silvery feline unsheathed her claws and dug them into the ground for stability, and to keep herself there. She didn't want to hear Duskleaf's reaction. To hear him realize "ah yes, you're right" and trot off. But she needed to...she needed the closure of knowing that he understood. "You are...such a brilliant cat." She murmured, unable to prevent a small purr from coming to her voice as she spoke of. "You are so devoted to the clan, and so thoughtful and caring of others. You're handsome and strong, and beloved by those around you. I have...I have so much fun when we are together... I find myself craving to be near you, and support you, and protect you. And you...you deserve a better match." There...with a flick of her good ear before both flattened against her head, Irisdream knew she was finished. She said all she needed to say. And then some. She hadn't meant to ramble on about things...and what was this nonsense about her scars?! She thought she had finally accepted those scars on her face!

But apparently not. Evidently, she was still self-conscious of them. It took great strength to not reach up to her face with a paw, and try to hide herself from her scars. There was no hiding from them. She'd often thought how humorous it was that her and Duskleaf had nearly matching scars, but that didn't end the concern about them altogether. Duskleaf deserves so much more than what I can offer...that's the truth. And that's that. But she still couldn't bring herself to sit up straight, to face him. She sat before him as a crumpled warrior, staring at her paws. As though saying what she did sucked all the life from her spirit, and it probably did for all she knew. She felt...almost numb. The kind of numbness that comes from too much exposure to pain, like when you touch ice for so long that it hurts just before you lose feeling entirely. This...this hurts. Did she hurt him? Oh stars, she couldn't live with herself if she hurt him too. But it needed to be done, he needed to know what a mistake he was making.

@Seamrog - Duskleaf

She was braced for the agreement from Duskleaf, for him to sigh and recognize she was right and walk out of her life forever. But Irisdream was not prepared for what he actually had to say. She blinked her dark blue eyes up at him in surprise. He…he wasn’t bothered? Her ears felt hot, as though she’d basked too long in the greenleaf sun, when he called her beautiful. She hadn’t thought of herself that way ever since the dog fight for RiverClan territory. And although she felt relatively proud of her scars as a warrior, she was beginning to see that as how she felt about them as a queen was an entirely different story. But here he was, a young, handsome warrior with all the prestige he’d need to acquire any female he wanted for his queen, and he thought that she was irreplaceable…

She listened quietly as Duskleaf described the relationship between his birth father and the queen who raised him. Leafstream… She was…older than his father was she? It didn’t matter to them…because they were happy. Probably not the best example seeing as how his father cheated on all of his mates…but it did make her think. They didn’t care about their age gap, or what others said. The important thing was that they chose to be together for as long as it made them happy. Made them happy… The concept was…admittedly foreign to her. “I understand…what you’re saying.” She mewed softly, her gaze still fixed on her paws.

“My first mate, Wavebreaker…he was chosen for me by my mother.” Irisdream was fairly certain that she had never told Duskleaf this story. But it seemed prudent to do so now. “You see…my mother believed that our family needed to be…selective about our chosen mates. She chose my father for her mate due to his prestige with the clan and because she thought they would make a powerful couple. Producing strong and fit warriors to continue RiverClan’s strength, and leave behind a strong legacy when they were gone.” Gosh, saying it out loud herself really sent home how…unhinged her mother was. Irisdream let out a scoff as she shook her head. “She was always disappointed in me, I could never do anything right. I agreed to pair with my first mate and she still wasn’t happy. That cat died angry with the world.” She did not doubt this. Not only due to the manner in which her mother died, drowning was surely a terrible way for any cat to go never mind a cat like her, but nothing every good enough for that feline!

“I suppose,” she mewed with a sigh, “my point in telling you all of this…is because choosing each other because you make each other happy…it was never something I was ever…taught.” Her gaze returned to her paws, but there was more Duskleaf wanted to say. She couldn’t help but look up when Duskleaf smiled, pained to see the sadness in his eyes. Was that sadness…for? Or was it because of her? She couldn’t tell…all she knew was that she didn’t like seeing him with such a pained expression. She felt heat flood her pelt, from her toes all the way up through her ears, as he continued. She had…no idea that he felt that strongly for her. All this time, she thought it was maybe something born from the type of adoration an apprentice might develop for a mentor or something along those lines. But what he said next…nearly knocked her off her paws.

“I love you, Irisdream.”

Irisdream felt her body sway slightly, shifting her paws to steady herself. She had heard these words before of course, Wavebreak used to say the same thing to her. And she was certain that he meant it. But…this was different. It felt different. Maybe because Wavebreaker had been chosen for her - her father’s apprentice - and Duskleaf… She met his green gaze when he lowered his head. And she didn’t need to see her reflection to know what emotions her face betrayed. Happiness, warmth, fear, her feelings swarmed her like bees. She could see that, even though he said she would respect whatever decision she made, he clearly didn’t want her to turn him away. He…he really means it… Seeing his expression now…without her consent a forepaw lifted and moved forward, resting on one of his paws.

“Duskleaf I…” Deep breaths. “I don’t want you to leave me alone. I don’t…I don’t want to see you with another, the very thought is almost more than I bear…” Even now, she resisted the temptation to move forward, lean her head against his chest. Just be close to him. Her gaze met his a little more steadily now, she could see that he really…truly meant what he said. He didn’t care about her age, and he didn’t care about her scars. He gave you a full confession, Iris. He deserves to hear your real feelings. She swallowed before continuing. She had told him some of how she truly felt, but there was more that needed to be said. “Duskleaf…I love you too. I always feel so safe around you. I couldn’t bear to imagine not having you in my life.”

There. She said it. Putting her true feelings to words made her feel…giddy. And warm. Irisdream couldn’t help but smile, a soft purr coming from her throat. She wanted to be close to him, even if she ended with some of his leaves in her pelt. She wanted to touch her muzzle to his cheek, and show her affections for him like she’s been wanting to these last couple moons. “If I’m being perfectly honest with you…I would love nothing more than to be with you.” She purred, the sound much louder than she normally tried to keep it. As though her emotions were attempting to burst out now that they seemed to have permission. “If you…if you are absolutely sure about this. Then…then of course I will.” There was a bit of uncertainty in her eyes, like she still expected him to turn her away. “There is nothing in this world that would make me happier.”

@Seamrog - Duskleaf

Irisdream could tell that Duskleaf had...feelings about her family story. She cast him a sad, but appreciative smile. "It's okay now of course." She mewed softly, touching the tip of her tail to his shoulder. "My mother's...ways were difficult. And truthfully, I am still trying to sort out some...things with that. But I have no regrets. Wavebreaker treated me well and was an excellent father, and I will never regret having Kitepaw in my life."

Truth be told, as much as she hated to admit it, her mother chose a good mate for her. Would she have preferred having a choice? Of course. But Wavebreaker didn't deserve her disdain, that should be reserved for her mother only. "Not even Wavebreaker knew the depths of my mother's...challenges. It is not something I...talk about very often." She admitted, looking down at her paws briefly before returning her gaze to Duskleaf, warmth in her usually controlled expression. It was so easy, opening up to Duskleaf. It came as naturally as breathing.

Irisdream couldn't help but purr with sheer joy and relief at Duskleaf's words. I am...the cat that he loves. She couldn't resist her temptation this time, resting her tail over his and leaning forward to rest her head on his chest. She hoped this was okay...Duskleaf didn't seem the type to physically respond if he was uncomfortable, so her attention was tuned to him closely. Ensuring that he wasn't uncomfortable with her leaning against him. Their closeness though...it made her feel so happy. She was losing the ability to feel shame at being this happy. "Neither of us are very much like our families. I trust you Duskleaf...unconditionally." She purred, and she meant it.

She lifted her head so she could see his response to her words, and it was worth parting from that closeness to see it. Irisdream always believed body language, particularly the eyes, gave you the greatest insight to another cat. And Duskleaf's only continued to show her that his words were the most genuine thing she'd heard. She was going to ask something else when he brought up the tree. Irisdream blinked, somewhat surprised. Partly because...she wasn't exactly a climber. Perhaps that's the ThunderClan in his blood. She thought to herself affectionately. Silly boy. But she was also surprised because she knew how much the invitation meant.

That tree represented Duskleaf's sanctuary, and he was inviting her into it. She glanced upwards, unable to conceal a flicker of anxiety about the height, but looking again at the warmth and joy on Duskleaf's face...how could she refuse? Irisdream nodded with a purr. "I would love to." She purred. "I must warn you, I am not very familiar with climbing." She added, but it was okay. She felt safe, she was with Duskleaf. And not only was he probably the most skilled climber in RiverClan's history, she also trusted that he wouldn't invite her to anything that could end up causing her harm.

@Seamrog - Duskleaf - the treeeee