[ this is part 2 of a backstory piece im writing for Doetuft [formerly Doekit and Doepaw of ThC, find part 1 here;
A time of Torment ]
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The Wails of Distress -
The light was overwhelming. The bright bright light terrified the living out of her. It was suffocating, it was deafening, blinding. And it didn’t stop. It kept breathing and existing and it terrified her. Moving away, faster, faster than she’d ever run in her life. She could feel the bushes and the brambles brushing against her fur, the light thorns tearing into her skin, into her fur as she pushed through, movements frantic and erratic, panic the only feeling. What had happened? What had happened? That was the one thought that kept rushing through her head as she felt the pattern of rain starting to drip down.
Drip. Drip. Drip. Splash. Splash. It was deafening to her. It all felt surreal, as if this was some sort of play on her imagination which she was quite aware it was not. But it terrified her, and with the ever constant and consistent drip of water, of rain, of poison, she was left with only one choice. To seek shelter as fast as it was possible, to get away and out of this rain that had now soaked her to the bone.
That plastered her fur against her body, the tabby fur looking greyer and browner in this circumstance than covered in its tabby stripes, and the bones were apparent, sticking out despite the molly’s otherwise stocky form. Stocky and weak bones… what a combination. But it was blinding. And stumbling along, paws slipping and sliding from underneath her and toppling into bush after bush made finding just the simplest place to shelter hard; but eventually she succeeded, rather by a mistake of footing. It was a misstep, a failure of coordination that led to it but sliding down a slope and then she was out of the rain. Out of the cold. Despite being soaked to the bone just the fact that she’d found shelter was a blessing she hadn’t thought to be bestowed on her. The break from the rain, from the slippery, muddy ground that kept working itself between her paws and claws was welcome.
However, this gave her a chance to sort through the issue; the issues she’d fled. She could still see it, could still see the bright light that shone, that had been… it had been. It was… the last moments. The very last moments of her parents. And letting out a wail of distress Doepaw collapsed to the ground, legs no longer able to hold up her weight as she finally had a break. No longer was she fleeing the scene of death, no longer was she stumbling blindly along in the forest seeking shelter.
No. Now she had time to think and that was what hurt. Thinking HURT, and it was the hardest she could to not let out into breaking and wrecking sobs. Sagefeather may have been abusive… but Doepaw had seen no wrong in that. Had seen no wrong in her father and why he had to die. Why did they all have to die? First… first had Dovekit gone. By the sound of a hawk, by the sound of wings swooshing down and taking away her sister… her sibling! And now... now the others were gone too. And it broke her. So there, collapsed on the floor on an abandoned badger den, she broke.
Doepaw broke for the first time. The first time of many breaks that would come her way, and it hurt. The visible shudder running through her body, the shaking of everything was painful to watch, it was painful to experience and she didn’t know how to handle it. How did you handle a situation like this where it felt like your entire world was falling apart; where it felt like everything was thrown away. She was an inexperienced apprentice! How… how was she meant to survive? To exist, and keep warm and survive throughout the hardness that would be a leafbare without her clan? Doepaw, had no clue.
All she was aware of was the constant shiver, the shaking that wrecked her, the tears and sorrow and guilt that held her heart captured. It was too much. Everything… it was too much. And she HATED it, she despised it. Was there not a way to turn off feeling? Because that was exactly what she wanted to do. Turn it off. Quiet down. Shut off all emotions and just… not exist for this moment. Because it hurt. It was so damn painful that as she took in a breath, a swallow breath that barely reached her chest as the panic once again set in. Fully blown, eradicating everything in its path, in its way to destruction and she could do nothing but let it set in. There was no use in fighting against it. It would make everything an even harder struggle than it already was.
No sense, there was no sense to anything as it destroyed everything, no logical thought other than the need to move. To keep moving. To not stand still… because then the blinding light would come back, if she kept moving maybe everyone would be alive. And with these maniac thoughts running through her head she stood up, but was barely able to take even one step out and towards the exit of the muddy den she’d ended down in. It seemed… it seemed she would be stuck here, and without any experience… likely die here as well.
That just helped to spur on the panic even further and as her legs gave up for the second – and last time – she rested her head on the ground, eyes constantly blinking. It was like she’d been blinded… properly blinded. Before it had just been darkness, welcome, comforting darkness and now it was still bright. Not as bright as when… when… Unable to finish the simple thought she just closed her eyes, but it was still bright. It was still too bright! And the light… the light it terrified the lives out of her! Everything terrified her right in this moment, every sound made her shutter, made her shake, made everything all apart.
She couldn’t take it, couldn’t handle it, couldn’t keep it together anymore and let out another wail of distress, of pain, of sorrow of unending torment she curled in on herself. To… live or die, time would see. For now, she would grieve, would struggle through the thoughts of despair or hopelessness, of unending sorrow and pain and would see where she ended up on the other side of it.
- The wails of distress -
