Lost to the Snow [Private]

**BEAR.** · #1 March 17th, 2019, 07:30 PM

It'd been several days since Lionstorm was last in RiverClan's camp, and he had no intentions of returning. No, he had screwed up, he didn't deserve to visit the camp again.

I thought you were better than that.

The words were echoing in his head, radiating through his soul, and it hurt more than anything he had ever experienced before. He didn't deserve company, to enjoy the presence of others.

No, the only companionship he could have was the hollow log he'd been staying in. It wasn't much, but it was cozy, and he figured it'd be a nice enough resting place. No one would miss him.

@Dipper

**Fawn** · #2 March 17th, 2019, 08:27 PM

When he hadn't seen Lionstorm in the days following the ceremony, Fawnpaw had taken to asking around, polling if anyone had seen the golden warrior after his mysterious disappearance. That'd led to dead ends and more question than answers, so he'd moved into phase two: seeking Lionstorm out himself. Why, he wasn't really sure. He guessed how things were left between them had been rough, unsatisfactory. Above all, concerning. His companionship was an absence, strange as it was to think about.

After days of searching the camp had been less than fruitful, that was when Fawnpaw decided to venture out. Tentatively. Last time he'd gone alone, he'd come face-to-face with a hungry fox and had to be rescued, but now he wasn't so sure Lionstorm would come to his aid, or want to see him at all. Fawnpaw still wandered through the territory in the light almost ritualistically on the daily, checking around the territory for scent or sign or sight of him.

Those times weren't successful either. Except for one, as he saw a tuft of golden fur sticking from a log- heart thudding in his chest in a quickened beat, Fawnpaw was padding toward the log before he even realized it. It was likely nothing, he told himself rationally to avoid getting his hopes up, but innate optimism wouldn't hear a word of it as Lionstorm's signature spicy honey scent was faintly lingering in the breeze.

"Lionstorm?" he meowed, clearing his throat, suddenly feeling self-conscious if he was talking to nothing more than an empty hollowed log. But as he rounded the corner to peer inside, his eyes widened, his breath caught. He was actually in there. "Oh.. I-- I didn't expect to see you." It was a mouse-brained comment but had spilled out before he could hold his tongue.

@BILL.

**BEAR.** · #3 March 17th, 2019, 08:42 PM

Lionstorm had nothing better to do than remain curled in the log, and he tightened against himself defensively when a familiar pine scent drifted in his direction.

"Go away," he wheezed, his voice no more than a mumble. "Leave me alone." Why was Fawnpaw even here? He had made it clear Lionstorm was no good. He was.. a jerk, a bully. A cat who kept reverting back to his old vile ways, and Fawnpaw could find someone better.

Someone who'd be nice to him.

"Why are you even here?" he questioned out loud. "You should be with someone else. Someone who's not..." A monster? Cruel? He didn't know.
@Dipper

**Fawn** · #4 March 17th, 2019, 08:50 PM

"Are you sick?" he asked instantly, the question alarmed as he leaned forward, curiously hesitant but nevertheless worried about the piece that'd been missing from his life. ...An odd way to think about Lionstorm, especially after what he'd said. It occurred to him, in a flash of guilt and a shockwave of sorrow that he could be the reason Lionstorm was here, alone. Secluding himself from the world.

Despite every word dripping of distance and trying to push him away, Fawnpaw wasn't agreeable; he moved into the log, the wooden echo resounded around and creating a comforting sound as he flopped into Lionstorm's fluffy side. "It's-- I... you've been gone!" he pointed out, too astonished to be accusatory. "I've been wondering where you even were. Did you leave the Clan, or what?"

Stubbornly shaking his head, Fawnpaw placed his chin onto the golden curls definitively. "Just... tell me what's going on."

@BILL.

**BEAR.** · #5 March 18th, 2019, 01:02 PM

Lionstorm hissed, baring his teeth at the apprentice as he neared, and he had the nerve to flop against him? Lionstorm had half a mind to smack some sense into the stupid baby, to remind him of how much of a monster, a bad guy Lionstorm clearly was. Instead though, he shuffled away, pressing against the rough side of the log.

Was he sick? Absolutely not. Lionstorm was incapable of being sick, and a little wheezing combined with the coldness that seeped beneath his pelt wasn't going to keep him down. So what if he hadn't been eating well, or if he hadn't been taking care of his pelt, or himself in general? It didn't matter. No one would care if he just... disappeared.

"I told you to go away," he repeated himself, trying to remain firm despite how his voice trembled. "Why can't you just respect that? You told me I was no good-- I wasn't better-- yet you're doing exactly what I told him to not do. I don't want your company." And he wasn't going to tell him any more. Fawnpaw didn't need to know. It wasn't like he thought highly of him.
@Dipper

**Fawn** · #6 March 18th, 2019, 01:27 PM

The hiss and bared teeth brought Fawnpaw's hackles up in surprise, disbelieving for a moment that he was actually witnessing this strong of a reaction from Lionstorm over nearing him. Unwilling to be attacked or stomped on once again, he retreated, rearing back without grace and plopping onto his hindquarters to survey the golden flurry of anger.

Confused, he felt he was receiving mixed signals and didn't know how to proceed, what the right course of action was. "Uh," he paused, "so... you want me to leave?" Over his shoulder, he glanced at the snowy-slushy wasteland of RiverClan territory and debated turning around, clearly his presence wasn't welcome here. "What, are you going to claw my face and send me to the medicine cat too?" Fawnpaw asked dryly, not a challenge but exasperated in the events that'd transpired at the temporary camp. "Look, what you did was pretty messed up, but I get it if you want to be alone. I just wanted to see if you were okay since you haven't been around in like, forever."

With his check-in complete, there was no reason to stay. A cold disappointment but one he could live with, preferring that over being reamed for the remainder of this visit.

@BILL.

**BEAR.** · #7 March 20th, 2019, 03:06 PM

Lionstorm shuffled back, trying to put some more distance between them as he pressed further into the rough side of the log. His breathing was beginning to grow erratic, sides heaving as he closed his eyes and sunk his claws into the hard wood. Why was he doing this? Why wouldn't Fawnpaw leave him alone?

Why was this continuing?

Lionstorm had left camp to get away from the accusations, the reminders he was some monster to Fawnpaw, and it felt like it was being thrown back in his face. He never wanted to be alone, but he felt overwhelmed and hurt, the belief he wasn't worthy of returning hanging over his head.

For once, he had nothing to say, a soft sob escaping his maw as his face dropped into his paws.
@Dipper

**Fawn** · #8 March 21st, 2019, 07:05 PM

The internal escalation was lost on Fawnpaw until he noticed the subtle clench of Lionstorm's claws, the rough shudder of his flank to indicate a fragile emotional state that he didn't know how to approach with caution when his awkwardness didn't translate well into comfort. "So, do you want to be alone?" he asked, voice lowered in a gentle rumble as he gazed at his own soft paws kneading uselessly at the wood of the log.

"I don't have to stay," he said, throat tight, "but I thought maybe-- you would want company, and I know that was sort of dumb since if... if you did, you'd probably..." Well, he wasn't sure, but he wouldn't be intentionally excluding himself from the world.

Fawnpaw's head snapped up at the cry, eyes wide and frightened like a cornered animal because that...

He'd never seen Lionstorm like that. Broken, vulnerable. And he was afraid of messing this up more than he already had.

"Lionstorm, it's..." Fawnpaw tried, almost scooted closer until he remembered that was a bad idea. "I'm sorry. I don't think you're-- no, um, I know you're not bad. I guess I was just... I don't know, surprised."

@BILL.

**BEAR.** · #9 March 24th, 2019, 12:08 AM

Lionstorm couldn't help it.

His body was a mess of trembles, a plethora of thoughts running through his mind that left him feeling drained, weakened. Miserable. Try as he might, he couldn't help the sobs that erupted from his mouth, how it wracked his body.

He didn't want to be alone, but he couldn't find it in himself to voice his desires. Not when... Fawnpaw had said that, and was now going back on his previous statements. "D-don't," he managed to get out. "Don't backpedal because you feel sorry for me. I'm.. awful."

A disgrace, a mess that didn't deserve anyone or anything. No wonder his birth parents didn't want him.
@Dipper

**Fawn** · #10 March 24th, 2019, 12:39 PM

"It's not that I feel sorry for you," Fawnpaw squeaked out in a protesting huff, almost offended by the thought that he - the most stubborn of apprentices that RiverClan could offer - would be backpedaling on Lionstorm's behalf... but a review of their conversation thus far evidenced that he kind of was. Kitten fur fluffed up in alarm, he gave himself a couple quick licks to smooth it, however it did nothing to soothe the internal debate that ravaged his mental capacity. "It's-- seriously not that. I just feel like what I said was, I don't know, callous? I don't really know what things are like with you and your dad," he admitted, "but attacking others just seemed so... not like you that it was weird."

Clearing his throat, he carried on before Lionstorm could self-deprecate further. "But I don't think you're awful, y'know? I guess I just think-- well, I know you can be better than mindless violence. You're so..." he paused, wishing he was better with words as his claws scraped uselessly against the bark again. "So smart and witty, and you're really charming-- and I know you have a lot of compassion. That's why I said that-- because I know you're above lashing out." The last bit heaved out in an embarrassed sigh-murmur, and Fawnpaw lowered his gaze.

@BILL.