He barely registered the feeling of the snowflakes brushing against his pelt as he made his way to Starry Meadows. Fallownose's paws were numb and despite his fur being fluffed up the chill still seeped past his pelt and into his bones. With leaf-bare in full swing he hadn't been able to bring any flowers with him. Still, despite the snow covering the meadow and making everything look relatively the same, his paws led him to the same spot. He could probably find it with his eyes closed at this point.
Fallownose shook his pelt, scattering snowflakes even though he knew more would soon stick to him. With a quiet sigh he brushed some snow aside until he could see the grass. He paused for a moment, indecisive, before deflating as he sunk down onto his belly. The shock of the cold caused Fallownose to flinch, but it quickly faded to numbness as he tucked his paws underneath him.
He didn't know how long he laid there silently, lost in his thoughts. Fallownose glanced up at the sky as the snow continued to gently fall before his gaze returned to the ground in front of him. He had never spoken before, because then it would be real. Sitting in silence had always been enough for the deputy, but it wouldn't be anymore. It couldn't be. And he knew he was weak, for many others had lost more than he had. Stars, what would Twilightstar thing of him if she saw him now? After all she had been through, and here he was mourning while she continued to run an entire Clan.
"Berryfrost..." he started, voice raspy from the cold. "I don't... I can't." And it was true, wasn't it? Because Fallownose never could. "You should still be alive. Someone should have noticed. Cowtuft should have noticed. But no one did, and I don't know why. I don't know why he didn't trust me enough to tell me that he brought death berries into camp. I don't know how he didn't notice that some of them were missing. I don't how seven cats died and Peachfrost was exiled."
And that was the crux of the problem, wasn't it? Fallownose didn't know. He never knew. He didn't know Berryfrost was getting poisoned. He didn't know how angry Peachfrost would be. He didn't know where Bravebird had been after the fire. He didn't know where Basilkit, Ruekit, Thymekit, and Nettlekit were. He didn't know where Hazykit was. What did that say about him, that he never knew these things? If he had paid more attention, could he have stopped it? Could he have done something?
"I feel like I died too and they forgot to bury me with you. I've gone through the motions of doing my job, of being a good deputy, but I'm really not. I don't feel like it, at least. I don't feel much anymore. And the worst part is I think I might prefer that."
Fallownose paused, sucking in a shaky breath. These past few moons had been hard. Not just for him, but for everyone in WindClan. And yet here he was, taking time to himself while everyone else worked their asses off for the Clan. He knew he was pathetic. Fallownose didn't know what Twilightstar saw in him when she chose him for deputy all those moons ago. And he had to wonder if she was regretting it now.
"At what point is no longer worth it?" he whispered, turning his gaze to to the sky once more. He wanted to believe that StarClan was everything he had been told as kit. That Berryfrost was happy up there. And yet they had chosen ThunderClan after all the wrongs they had done to WindClan. There really was nothing left, was there?
"I'm sorry for disappointing you, daughter. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I'm mostly sorry that you're gone and I'm not. I'm sorry that I've been so selfish and you're probably blaming yourself even though nothing is your fault. I'm sorry that I haven't been the deputy WindClan deserves and I'm sorry that there is no one left who cares."
Fallownose's words came out in a rush, and his chest was heaving slightly by the end. And despite it all he still didn't know how to feel. Better or worse? He wasn't sure that he would know what better was if Twilightstar hit him over the head with it. But then again, could it be worse than it was? He could be Dawnstar, so probably. But still.
"I don't think I can do this anymore."
And for the first time in a long time, Fallownose cried.
Rabbitspring
WindClan Warrior - 32 Moons
____
Rabbitspring had appeared in the meadow just in time to hear the Deputy's sobs.
The warrior felt her eyes widen. It was rare that an ordinary warrior caught a High Rank so upset. Rabbitspring padded over quietly.
''Fallownose?'' The WindClan she-cat called softly, sitting down beside the WindClan Deputy.
''Are you alright...?'' Rabbitspring placed her tail tip comfortingly atop of Fallownose's shoulder.
He wasn't sure how long he laid in the snow, tears silently sliding down his cheeks. Fallownose barely heard the the crunch of snow as a cat approached, raising a freezing paw to wipe the wetness from his eyes.
Stiffly he turned to look at Rabbitspring, tensing at the comforting touch. Fallownose stared for a moment, yellow-amber eyes unblinking and expressionless. Finally he gave a terse nod. "Fine," was all he said to the warrior, slowly pushing himself up into a sitting position, his body completely numb from how long he had spent in the snow.
He wasn't sure how long he laid in the snow, tears silently sliding down his cheeks. Fallownose barely heard the the crunch of snow as a cat approached, raising a freezing paw to wipe the wetness from his eyes.
Stiffly he turned to look at Rabbitspring, tensing at the comforting touch. Fallownose stared for a moment, yellow-amber eyes unblinking and expressionless. Finally he gave a terse nod. "Fine," was all he said to the warrior, slowly pushing himself up into a sitting position, his body completely numb from how long he had spent in the snow.
Rabbitspring narrowed her eyes, not finding Fallownose's answer very convincing.
Seeing the Deputy tense up, the warrior pulled her tail tip away from his shoulder.
''S-Sorry,'' She mumbled quietly, wrapping her tail around her paws self-consciously.
''Too close. I understand. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.''
Rabbitspring glanced over to her mother's - Hareleap (NPC lol) - grave.
Now that Rabbitspring thought about it, 'Rabbitspring' was just another name for 'Hareleap.' The WindClan she-cat eyes widened as she realized that her mother had named her after herself.
''I just realized..'' Rabbitspring paused. ''My mother named me after her. 'Rabbitspring' is just another name for 'Hareleap.'''
The bracken-colored and white molly settled down onto her belly, tucking her forepaws in beneath her chest.
She turned to Fallownose. ''Did you realize it, too? Or was it just me?''
He flicked his gaze to Rabbitspring as she apologized and pulled her tail away. Fallownose didn't respond and instead stiffly stood, wincing slightly at the numbness. "The concern is appreciated. But was it not Twilightstar who gave you the suffix of spring? Even so, I had not noticed the connection," he rasped as he carefully stretched out each leg in the hopes it would warm him up somewhat.
He flicked his gaze to Rabbitspring as she apologized and pulled her tail away. Fallownose didn't respond and instead stiffly stood, wincing slightly at the numbness. "The concern is appreciated. But was it not Twilightstar who gave you the suffix of spring? Even so, I had not noticed the connection," he rasped as he carefully stretched out each leg in the hopes it would warm him up somewhat.
CW: This post deals with anxiety, dissociation, brief description of a panic attack, and passive suicidal ideation. Please use caution and avoid reading if any of these topics are triggering. Always know there is light on the other side of whatever it is you're going through.
Bravebird
She/her | 43 moons | WindClan Warrior
[ Beefed Up T3 • One with the Warren ]
It was quiet when Bravebird snuck out of the warrior's den and towards the meadow that WindClan had claimed as their graveyard in the move. Her paws were quiet but quick, skillfully silent and adept at avoiding detection due to many moons of training. One eye was wrapped up while the other shone brightly, narrowed and focused on the path ahead. Her wounds had started to heal but they still ached, and with each step she took she felt a sharp jab of pain race along her flank. Surely if her Clanmates knew she was leaving camp at this time of night still recovering she could get a fierce clawing to her ears.
...Or maybe, they wouldn't notice at all. Perhaps like the mink patrol, she would be forgotten in the back, left to writhe on the floor with the wretched shadowed beasts that clawed at her mind lately, willing her to succumb to their blows. It was a thought that made her stomach churn uncomfortably, so like always Bravebird discarded it with a lash of her tail.
Eventually cresting the hill that led to the meadow had the warrior slowing her pace, coming to weave in and around the graves. There was one in particular that she was looking for, one that she had set up some time ago. A single rock, placed over a fern that she'd found while out near Sedgewater Valley. It was still there just beyond the other graves and Bravebird let out a sigh as she hurried towards it.
"Hi, Fern. It's... been awhile." Admittedly since placing the rock here the warrior hadn't really taken the time to come visit like she'd said she would. Another promise that had been broken, another rope that had snapped under the weight of her lie to always look after and protect him. Grief clouded her single eye as she sat down, shoulders hunched over as she stared at the marker. There was no grave dug underneath, no body resting in the soil - because he wasn't dead, just lost in a world to no fault but her own.
"We tried to explore the tunnels behind Twilight Falls yesterday. Ran into some nasty minks down there. Horrible creatures, Fern, let me tell you." A snort as she settled into a more comfortable loaf position, tail whisking up to lay at her side. "They've got these tiny little claws, and teeth that can give you a real jump if they bite down in just right right place." Flashes of the fierce attack had her wincing and shaking her head. "I don't consider myself scared of a lot, but I'd be perfectly fine never seeing one of those little rats ever again." Thankfully they had all made it out rather unscathed. Well... "One of them got my eye. Scratched it real good it swelled shut. And you know me, bud," Brave chuckled as she touched the fern with her tail, "I admire Twilightstar quite a bit but not to the point of wanting to look like her." It was a joke made in good humor, a soft-hearted jest from a warrior who admired the great leader.
Maw twisting down now, the warrior shook her head. "I could sit here and tell you all about how I know I'm gonna be okay, and that I'm gonna get through this - I've been through worse - but... that would be a lie, Fern... it would be a lie." Her voice dropped a bit as did her gaze to the ground. "...I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to see out of it. Scared that it'll affect my ability to serve WindClan..." Brave's voice trailed off as her maw pressed into a thin line. Her heart was beating so loudly that it was the only thing she heard with how quiet it was. "...Can I be honest with you, Fern?" She shifted her gaze over, a lull developing as if she was actually awaiting an answer. "...I'm starting to feel like I... don't belong."
It was difficult to admit that. Her chest constricted as the words were released and Bravebird was quick to shut her eyes tightly. Her paws felt weird, as did her stomach, and for a moment she felt as though the ground beneath her was shifting. It felt like treason to admit such a thing, to finally put a voice to the feeling she'd had for the last couple moons. Being apart of WindClan since her return felt like nothing more than going through the motions. At first she had thought it was the Clan that had changed. Being a dutiful warrior, serving her home, hunting and fighting with and for her Clanmates; all of it had been monumental to the lilac warrior before but now it just felt... Off. Or maybe she felt off. Maybe she was the puzzle piece that fit wrong, and the puzzle itself was entirely fine.
"A lot of my Clanmates... they just seem to know. Know where to be, what to do. I used to be like them - used to know my place was with my paws on the moorland with the wind in my fur. I would look around and see cats that I knew and had grown up with, that I could joke with or share a meal with. But... but it feels strange now. I feel like a stranger." A pause as the warrior swallowed back an uncomfortable feeling. "...I hate thinking it, but all of the obstacles that have come up since StarClan sent me back... perhaps I was never meant to have this second chance."
A daunting thought that made her wince once more. The uncomfortable feeling in her chest tightened and soon enough it flared like red hot pain over her entire body. The mere strength of it caught her off guard and Brave squeezed her eyes shut once more as a tremor passed through her. She had gone through quite a bit in her life, but this was different. This visceral reaction, this uncomfortableness, this... this desire to Not Exist was strong - all it would take was a quick rake of her claws against her throat. It left her breathless and pained, ears pulled back as her breathing quickened. Tears slipped easily from her eyes and before she knew it her paws were damp from their fall. Hooked claws slid from their sheaths and dug into the ground, teeth clamping together in an effort to force her emotions back down.
But the dam was broken, shattered beyond repair. And Bravebird? she was caught in the crosshairs, forced to suffer the torrential waves that careened straight towards her.
.
. .
. . .
Bravebird was unaware how long she stayed like that, shaking and sobbing like she was no older than a newborn kit. The pain was unbearable, each moment worse than the last. It had her by the throat, squeezing tighter until finally it started to fade away. Her shoulder deflated and her head came to rest on her paws as pitiful whimpers left her. "...I don't know how to be brave anymore, Fern." It was pathetic, blubbering like this to a cat who didn't deserve it - who deserved more. Deserved a mentor who didn't disappear, or die, or distance herself. "I need you here, to teach me. To show me. I don't... I don't know where my path lies anymore, Fern. I- I miss you."
That was the simple truth, the one unchanging fact amidst a sea of doubt. As Bravebird shifted her frightened gaze to the marker, she let out an unsteady breath. It was difficult to think of all the cats she was failing lately as she slipped further under the weight of invisible self-placed expectations. Twilightstar. Fallownose. Dapplebreeze. Hawkfur. Crowtooth. Brightpaw. Even Deadpaw, who had vanished without a trace. Sniffling the she-cat tucked her nose down into her paws. Her body started to shiver as the cold of the night settled in, reaching deep down into her bones to deliver a chilling ache that kept her in place.
Brave knew it wasn't smart to spend the night out here, but she couldn't bring herself to leave. So instead with her nose tucked under her paws she tried her best to shut out the shadowed thoughts that clawed at her mind, tail coming to wrap tightly by her side.
She would hold out hope for morning, and to watch the sun rise again. It was the least she could do.
The deputy let out a thoughtful hum, giving his pelt a shake. "I suppose it will have to remain a mystery. For now, though, I'm heading back to camp. I've spent too much time out here." With a last shake of his pelt, Fallownose turned to begin heading back to camp.
For once, Firestorm had a lot on her mind. A sense of unease kept her awake when she should have been sleeping, and as a result, she took the opportunity to sneak away from her sleeping mate and out of the camp. She prayed to the stars above that Lightningstorm wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night, or have some sort of horrible nightmare. Dammit… was it really okay to be out here? She was grown enough, sure, but she knew that Spots would be worried sick if she woke up and not only was the orange tabby (who usually slept in) not beside her, but no where wihtin camp too…
The worried feeling coupled with her sickness feeling was enough to make her… She threw up. She hadn’t yet reached her destination, but some ways outside of camp, she emptied her stomach’s contents (or lack thereof) all over the moorland ground. It was brutal – this feeling, but she would tough it out regardless. She had to, after all. Though she found a new hatred for throwing up, she knew that it was just a sign that the kits inside her were growing up to be healthy and strong. Taking a moment to wipe her mouth with a paw, she pressed onward.
It was nearing dawn, so she knew her time was limited. She thought that it’d be a quick and easy walk, however, her paws had a different idea, leading her forward to a place she wasn’t too familiar with. When she finally arrived, she allowed herself a moment to take in the scenery. She hadn’t yet been to this landmark, however, she could only assume that this was ‘Starry Meadows’.
As the tabby traversed the fields that held the clan’s dead, she couldn’t help but wonder if somewhere at Junper’s Rest, her grandfather, or even her mother had been laid to rest. She hadn’t met the former during his life time, and her mother had been departed when she was much too young to remember any of the finer details, It made her a bit sad when she thought about it. Milknose had promised to take her there when they were old enough to leave camp, and he never did. Now not only did she not have her best friend with her, but she also loft all of her family behind in the fire.
Well… Now she was getting ready to start a new chapter of her life, in a new camp, with a new family. Perhaps things would work out this time around. Speaking of a new family though, she noticed the body of a cat that was all too familiar on the ground. Oh great StarClan, Birdie couldn’t be dead! Hurriedly, the orange tabby rushed over to the older warrior (a mistake, she felt like she was going to vomit again) and looked over her with a sense of urgency. Cowtuft hadn’t taught her how to revive a cat that wasn’t breathing! Crap crap crap! What was she going to do? What would she tell Aunty Dapple? What was sh- oh. Birdie was still alive, just sleepy.
Unsure of what to do, Firestorm laid down next to the splotched-warrior, attempting to press herself against her to keep her warm. She couldn’t very well just leave her out in the cold now, could she!? Taking a deep breath, she draped her tail over the other warrior and tried to focus on her own breathing.
In and out… In and out…
A bit of concentration was required as she fought the bile that threatened to rise up within her throat. She definitely did not want to get sick all over one of the warriors she admired so much.
”You know what…?” Firestorm mewed at last, knowing that it was unlikely that Bravebird could even hear her. ”I think you’re pretty cool, Birdie. I know I was upset with you before, but you’re still one of the best. I wanna be like you when I’m older,” She said softly, (presumably) absent-mindedly brushing her tail across her companion's back. It was the truth, even if she said it partly to comfort the white and grey she-cat, she meant every word that she said. Bravebird was one of the coolest warriors in the clan, so strong and able to handle herself. A lot unlike what Firestorm currently was, and it kind of bothered her to be honest. Bravebird was the kind of cat she envisioned herself to be older. One fully dedicated to her clan and willing to do anything to see things get better.
”I hope you’re okay~”
[ @tally you said the lass could join, so here you go ]
__________________
Little Disclaimer: I live in EST (UTC-5) and my sleep schedule is completely messed up, so posts may be erratic My Characters
The night was cold and unforgiving, matching the nightmares that plagued Bravebird through the darkness of it. In the twisted, cruel landscape she was left to race after cats she cared about, a revolving door of imagery - Dapplebreeze, Fallownose, Twilightstar, Crowtooth, Fernpaw, Hawkfur - cats that no matter how many times she called out to never turned around to look at her. No matter how loud she called, no matter how fast she ran, the nightmare ended the same way; with them plummeting into the darkness and leaving her to wail after them.
By the time morning came, Brave felt stiff. She was awake when paw steps approached her sleeping form, and for the briefest moment the once headstrong warrior welcomed death if it was an outside who had found her. Expecting claws on her pelt, she was met with surprise when it was the softness of fur that folded around her, the steady beating of a heart against her back. For a moment whoever it was curled around her, tail falling over her back - and it took everything in her chest to not break apart.
Why didn't they just kill her now? Why drag it out? Her blood was destined to stain the moorland, why did they have to keep delaying it? Who would be the next target she would fail to save?
Words that were soft and unmistakably from a cat she knew, Brave squeezed her eyes shut more and curled tighter in on herself. She didn't know if she was relieved or frightened that it was Firestorm that had found her, and not one of the dark claws that scratched away at her subconscious. She didn't deserve the comfort the younger cat provided but she latched onto it nonetheless, allowing it to drag her out of the dark cavern and into the light of a new day.
"...I'm sorry." The words were barely a squeak, and Bravebird wasn't even sure Firestorm could hear her. After a beat or two she relaxed a bit, finally opening her blue gaze. Her vision was blurry, a result from the cascading tears no doubt. Sniffing the warrior lifted her head to look over, guilt piercing her heart further. She wanted to tell someone how lost she felt, how pathetic and worthless, and how she wasn't sure of her place among her Clan anymore. But looking at Firestorm, doing her best to be comforting, all Bravebird did was smile weakly. "You could do with finding other cats to be like when you're older," she huffed lightheartedly, shaking her head and ducking to smooth down the ruffled fur of her chest.
[ @Dark felt like responding/wrapping this up but no rush to respond at all!! since mine was also incredibly late sdkfhsd ]
Train Rabbitpaw, fighting should be prioritized given the circumstances and hunting however you cant neglect tunneling given thats his passion. Comfort and support Twilightstar, however he could even if it felt like it wasnt enough. Continue drawing Lightningstorm out of her shell, she needs to know shes safe and can get help. Put the tunnel plan into action, we may need a route into riverclan though hell need more tunnelers make this effective. Hone his own skills, battle was coming and run a training event maybe.
So much to do, just so much and it was overwhelming when he was already trying to manage the fury and grief under his pelt at everything right now.
So he went on a walk, just an aimless walk to get away and do something different then he'd already been doing.
He hadnt been thinking as he walked, not until he downright stumbled upon a juniper bush and the tom blinked, eyes that had been drifting off and glazed honed in on the berries. Huh. Well he didnt mean to make this a herb hunting trip but the tom wasnt going to look a gift horse in the mouth and so after eating on he gathered up a bundle of more and turned to wander more before he'd bring the herbs to Lightningstorm and her stone, mind hopefully more settled.
Re: Starry Meadow
Re: Starry Meadow
