why is this so hard? [p]

**iliri** · #1 September 23rd, 2024, 07:58 PM

Soot
short-furred, dark, charcoal-gray tabby tom with white markings, and sharp amber-copper eyes.
purrks: n/a
he/him | outsider | 12 moons

Why did he feel so nervous about this? His mind was running haywire as the massive tom-cat strolled his way through the dying woodlands, his paws guiding themselves over the freshly fallen leaves, hearing them crunch with every step. His dark fur bristled slightly, every sound in the forest seeming louder than usual, the eerie silence seeping into the deepest parts of his bones. Sootpaw—no, just Soot for now—didn’t know why this felt so different. Bluebell wouldn’t be upset with him for leaving, not after everything. It wasn’t as though he was abandoning her, he was just... finding his way back. Back to the place he thought he belonged. The wind suddenly cut through the thinning trees, carrying with it the scents of damp earth and distant rain, a reminder that leaf-fall was drawing to a close. Soon, the forest would be blanketed in frost, and the cold would settle in for many moons. Soot had always liked the cold; it made him feel more alive, more attuned to his surroundings. But now, even as the breeze ruffled his fur, it did little to soothe the unease tightening in his chest. He flicked his tail, his dark amber eyes scanning the underbrush ahead—their little place where they would often meet to catch up with what happened with one another. He’d told Bluebell he’d be back. He’d meant it, and he wasn't breaking that promise. He didn't know what it was that developed between the two, but it was enough to say that they… were close. Not too close, but close enough.

He found himself thinking about his decision, his heart wrenching itself about returning to ShadowClan. It was… different from this. He could imagine some of the familiar faces from his clan-mates in his mind—some welcoming, some not. Would they remember him as the same cat? Or would they see him as something else now? His stomach twisted as he imagined their gazes on him, judging, questioning. Maybe they wouldn’t say anything, but they wouldn't have to. He would feel it. He found himself thinking of his siblings, Darkfall, and Lostspark. He hated admitting it, but after being away for… so long, and being around Heron for as long as he had, he felt guilty. Guilt was a word that he hated thinking about; it made him feel vulnerable and useless. No matter how much he tried to ignore it, the gnawing feeling crept up on him like an unwanted shadow, wrapping itself around his chest and constricting his every breath. His steps slowed as the weight of it all bore down on his broad shoulders, the familiar scents of the forest doing little to comfort him now. Why had he stayed away for so long? It wasn't as though he'd meant to. At first, it had been a choice, a decision to prove something to himself, but somewhere along the way, he lost sight of what that something was. His siblings—all of them; even the ones he wasn't even related to—had always been there, no matter how distant they seemed sometimes, no matter how much he pushed them away. They were all there, alongside both Darkfall and Lostspark.

He couldn't even think of the both of them without that wave of regret tightening around his heart. They were the reason he became so distant in the first place—all because he was blinded by his blunt demeanor and viewing of the world. His eyes dropped to the ground watching the leaves crunch under his paws. What would Heron say to him now? Would she scold him? Tell him that he can't change the past and do only what he can? She didn't understand. The forest was dying around them, and there was nothing he could do about it. Every step back into this place felt like a betrayal to the very thing he had left behind. To them. He let out a frustrated huff, shaking his head as if to rid himself of the heavy thoughts clinging to his fur. He should be happy to be returning, to see them again, to finally make things right. But instead, his paws felt leaden, dragging him deeper into the woods. Soot’s pace slowed as he neared the small clearing where he and Bluebell had met time and time again. It had been their place, a quiet spot away from the noise and drama, a place where it had just been the two of them. He could remember the way she laughed, the way her brown blotched pelt shimmered in the dappled sunlight that filtered through the trees. She’d always been the one who could make him forget about all his struggles throughout the time they knew each other. With Bluebell, he was just… Soot.

And that’s why it felt so hard to leave her behind, even for a short time. She would be able to understand, hopefully. But he also knew this goodbye would sting, more than he wanted to admit. ShadowClan was calling him back, and he had to answer. He had to know if he still had a place there. But what if he didn’t? What if the world he left behind had moved on? Shaking his head, Soot tried to push those thoughts away. There was no point in worrying about what hadn’t happened yet. He would face it when the time came. For now, he just had to find Bluebell. He needed to see her, to explain everything, to feel that connection one last time before heading back into the shadows of his old life. The trees thinned as he reached the edge of the clearing, the familiar scent of Bluebell hanging faintly in the air, mingling with the crisp scent of dying leaves. His heart leaped in his chest, and for a moment, all the doubts faded away. He took a deep breath, his paws sinking into the soft earth as he stepped forward, scanning the clearing for any sign of her. “Blues?” His voice wavered slightly as if it left his throat, the nickname hanging in the air like a fragile thing. His ears pricked, waiting for any sound, any movement. The forest was still around him, too silent for his own good. “Bluebell!” He called again, louder this time, the weight of everything he hadn't even said yet pressing down on him. Where was she?

@goodacacia [ squeals & shakes u ]

**goodacacia** · #2 September 24th, 2024, 09:04 PM

Bluebell
❀ Housecat | 12 moons

Recently her life had been so interesting, full of surprises and excitement, it was almost too much to take. She'd never imagine, not in her entire life, that she'd be able to experience such a beautiful and fascinating world outside her warm home without her human. Though, the house was compelling in it own ways; talking boxes, indoor suns, compartments that held food and areas with refillable water tubs. Never could she imagine in the 12 months of her life, she'd able to meet such a captivating cat as Soot. The world was different with him, it was simply: freeing. It felt like the whole world, the entirety of the night sky, and all the creatures of the woods, water, and sky were on her side. Bluebell had loved ever moment of it.

Just thinking of him made her want to run outside to check the bush, their usual meeting spot. Perhaps she shall see him today. Soot always seemed to know when she's coming, after all, he'd always been there for her. But lately, he seemed a little distant. Well, he always did, but lately, even more so and that put a lump in her throat, rendering her utterly nervous. But her paws told her today was the day, she must go to check. Just in case.

'Oh! It looks like Claire forgot to close the window!' She was in luck today, her human had left the window half opened. Lately, it seemed like she'd been doing it quite often to the point Bluebell had to start giving her some reminders. Bluebell jumped up to the window ledge to breathed in the fresh, cool air before smoothly sliding under the wooden frame. The snow Bengal trotted into the cascading sunlight, warming her pelt, bringing her a feeling of confidence and glee. 'Yeah...yeah! It's going to be a good day. I'm sure of it.'

She made her way into the forest. The earthy soil felt soft under her paws and her eyes lit up with excitement. Every time she'd stepped paw in here, it felt like an absolute adventure. It was ever so different than her home. It was organic and in some way, weird but in an enchanting beautiful way. The undergrowth had crawled with life, it was buzzing, constantly changing and she found it amusing. Step by step, Bluebell had made her way towards the bushes, their meeting place, but stayed a few tail lengths away. Hidden, silently, in the shadows.

The pale Bengal smiled playfully, with a plan in making inside her head. If anyone was to blame, it was Soot. Afterall, he was the one who decided to teach this to her, stealth. And she'd practiced it constantly making sure she'd be able to catch him off guard one day. That hopeful one day will be today. Her piercing blue gaze fell upon the incoming dark pelted dark. Even without a closer glance, she knew it was Soot. The scent, the way he walked, it was definitely him.

He approached quickly calling for her and it brought grin to her face. She almost wanted to laugh at his confusion, but she stayed committed to shadows. Once Soot slowed down a little, Bluebell jumped out and tackled him to the earthy forest floor. "You called, Princess?"

She elegantly recomposed herself with an expression filled with charming laughter. Bluebell's warm voice sounded with a hint of humor, a playful purr, "I've got you there, didn't I?"

[ @iliri ]

**iliri** · #3 Today, 09:28 AM

Soot
short-furred, dark, charcoal-gray tabby tom with white markings, and sharp amber-copper eyes.
purrks: n/a
he/him | outsider | 13 moons

Soot barely had time to register the sudden blur of white and brown before he was sent sprawling across the ground, his body hitting the earth with a thud that knocked the wind from his lungs. For a moment, his world was a chaotic swirl of limbs, leaves, and Bluebell’s scent overwhelming his senses. The feel of her soft fur brushing against his as they tumbled together brought a jolt of surprise, and something warmer, something that made his pulse suddenly race, though he quickly shoved that feeling down. He landed flat on his back, breathless and staring up at the dappled sky through the canopy of dying leaves, trying to piece together what had just happened from just a few seconds. The weight on his chest was the first clue, followed quickly by the familiar sound of laughter that bubbled up from above him—a sound so light and carefree, it momentarily cut through the blinded haze of his thoughts. His amber-copper eyes met the bright, sparkling blue hues looking down at him, filled with a playful mischief. Bluebell. Of course, it was her. Hearing her teasing made him nearly spit out something in reply to it but the way her voice was warm and dripping with humor made all the words that swarmed in his throat suddenly die out. Her fur brushed against his as she held him there, her face clearly inches from his own. For a heartbeat, Soot forgot to breathe. Everything else—the autumn-covered forest, the weight of his worries, the guilt, the uncertainty—faded into the background of his mind, leaving only Bluebell’s pretty blue eyes in his view.

His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath, a half-choked laugh escaping him, though his pulse was still racing from more than just the shock of being tackled. He couldn’t help it—despite everything that had been weighing on his mind, despite the swirling storm of emotions that had been tearing him apart for moons now—Bluebell’s presence was enough to break through the fog, even if just for a moment. She always had that effect on him, and it always frustrated him just as much as it comforted him. Was she trying to put him in a trance? “Yeah, you got me, your stealth skills are improving as I can tell.” he muttered, still breathless as he met her gaze again. The corners of his mouth tugged into a small, lopsided smile despite himself, a flash of amusement lighting his usually somber features. For that brief moment, it was just the two of them again, like so many times before, when things felt simpler and easier, when he didn’t have to think so hard about what was coming next. Bluebell had that way of making everything feel lighter, like it wasn’t all so serious, so heavy. He almost couldn't understand it. But that lightness was fleeting, and as the sudden adrenaline from the surprise faded, the weight of reality began to creep back in, seeping into his chest like a slow, sinking stone. He used a white forepaw to gently nudge off him, avoiding eye contact for only a moment so he didn't have to see the same playful energy she always had everytime they crossed each other. But Soot’s heart was no longer in the playful banter.

The longer he lay there, staring up at the autumn sky, the more everything began to press in on him again—the guilt, the uncertainty, the painful decisions he still hadn’t made. As he sat up, shaking the leaves from his dark-toned fur, the lightness of the moment evaporated entirely. His mind, once again, was filled with everything he’d been trying to push down at this very moment. He looked over at Bluebell, and felt the familiar pang of guilt creep back in, sharper than before. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to be dragged into his mess of emotions, his tangled web of confusion. He had been distant, he knew that. She had probably noticed, even if she hadn’t said anything. How many times had he disappeared lately, caught up in his own world of regrets and unresolved feelings? How many times had he left her waiting, without explanation, as he tried to sort through the chaos in his own head? He swallowed hard, trying to find the words, but they were caught in his throat. How was he supposed to tell her everything? How was he supposed to explain the mess of emotions that had been tearing him apart for moons, the unresolved guilt that gnawed at him every waking moment? That every time he thought about going back to ShadowClan, the anxiety tightened its grip around his chest, squeezing until he could hardly breathe? And yet, staying away wasn’t an option anymore. The longer he ran from it, the worse it got.

It felt weird. That was putting it mildly. He felt like he was being torn in two, like there was a constant war raging inside him that he couldn’t quite explain. His ears flicked back, his jaw tightening as he forced himself to meet her gaze. It wasn’t fair to keep this from her. She deserved the truth, even if he didn’t know how to say it. He didn't know how she would react, nor what she was going to say, but he couldn't keep it to himself any longer. “Bluebell,” he started, but his voice faltered, the words sticking in his throat. His white paws dug into the dirt beneath him as he struggled to keep his emotions from spilling over. He didn’t want to burden her with this, didn’t want to make her feel responsible for something she had nothing to do with. But he couldn’t keep pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t. “I… I’ve been distant, I know,” he admitted, his voice quieter now, almost a whisper. “There’s just… there’s a lot going on, in my head. And I didn’t know how to talk about it.” His chest felt tight again, like a band was wrapping around his ribs and squeezing until he could barely breathe. He wasn’t used to opening up like this, wasn’t used to being vulnerable. He had spent so much time building walls around himself when he was in ShadowClan and before that, keeping his feelings locked away where no one could see them. But Bluebell—she always had a way of breaking through those walls, whether he wanted her to or not.

“Do you remember that place I told you about? ShadowClan?” Mentioning his old clan brought a flicker of uncertainty into his gaze. His voice wavered slightly as he continued, his mind racing to find the right words. "I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately... About going back." The moment he said it, Soot felt the weight of his own admission pressing down on him like a physical burden. He hadn’t spoken those words aloud to anyone—not even to himself in his most private moments. And now, here he was, baring that truth to Bluebell, the one cat who had managed to carve out a space in his life that wasn’t tangled up in his past. The thought of leaving her, of walking away from everything they had shared during the time they knew each other, felt like it was tearing something vital out of him. "I know it sounds... confusing," he murmured, his gaze dropping to the ground. "And it probably doesn’t make sense, not after everything that’s happened. But I can’t stop thinking about it. About what I left behind. And now... now it’s like every decision I make pulls me further away from what I want, from what I need." His white paws fidgeted restlessly, tracing the patterns of the coarse dirt beneath him as he struggled to keep his voice steady. "I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Bluebell. Part of me thinks I should just... go back, face whatever it is that’s waiting for me. But another part of me... doesn’t want to leave you behind. I—"

He stopped himself, teeth gritting as the words caught in his throat again. Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t he just say it? He didn't know what the pretty bengal was even thinking at the moment. Hell, he didn't know if she was listening. Soot could easily feel the tension in the air between them, almost burning with the theoretical concern the molly bore for him. Waiting for him to open up completely. Inhaling deeply through his nostrils, the massive tabby finally focused once again on Bluebell, his gaze intently on hers. "I care about you," he finally admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "More than I ever thought I would. And that’s what’s making this so hard." His amber-copper eyes met hers again, a storm of emotion swirling within them. "Because no matter what I decide, I’m going to hurt someone. Either I go back to ShadowClan and leave you behind... or I stay here, and I keep running from everything I haven’t faced." Soot’s shoulders sagged under the weight of his confession, and he let out a long, shaky breath from the puff of weight that escaped his chest. "I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to make it right. But I needed you to know."

@goodacacia (spins these two in circles cutely)