Tw: Depression and all that follows
A cold feeling rushed through Spottedpaw. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling by any means yet it was very unwelcomed. It was when she had a break in wearing her mask and she could finally feel the cold breeze of reality. She could play innocent, unknowing and a sweet-pea all she wanted but she knew deep inside that she just knew too much. Was far too aware of her situation at all times despite pretending that wasn’t the case. As young as a kit she was especially keen on what was going on in the world. How alone she was in this world.
But Spottedpaw was a go-getter. The moment she saw someone that looked like kindness in a bundle she reached out, for a moment she wanted to feel what the warmth of love was like. What it was like to have someone watch over you for protection, but… It fizzled out quickly.. Was she just not just worth it? Or were older cats not to be trusted. It wasn’t the first time she was burned.
“Oh is that you Spottedpaw.”
A cold shiver ran down her spine as the mask slipped yet again.
In front of Spottedpaw was a calico that was much older than her. There was a smug aura around her that stank of self righteous pretentiousness. An odor that turned her stomach. Something she wished she could dig her claws—No she couldn’t stoop to the troglodyte’s level.
“Did you really think that you could go one pretending like you are?” The smug calico continued without a word from Spottedpaw. “Darling, what are you trying to do exactly?”
She looked to the side to avoid those awful eyes.
The other calico swayed her tail and softly sighed. The quietness was a sign of her victory over this young fool but where was the fun in stopping there.
“You think that you could go and try and find yourself a new mothers? Listen, Spottedpaw, all the cats out there, the endless sea of cats.. None of them care about you. The moment you blip out, not a single cat would remember you. Just like all of those cats, so why should they put the effort in whining for attention from some random small apprentice?” The calico spoke into Spottedpaw’s ear.
“That’s not true...” Spottedpaw muttered under her breath. The air felt so cold. She felt so alone, this cat only made her feel more so.
There was a cackling that erupted from the very air itself. It surrounded all of her from the foolish words she spoke. It knew that she didn’t believe that. It knew her too well for that little lie to get away. You cannot lie to yourself.
“Spottedpaw your own mother couldn’t stick around for you. Your own blood refused to be with you. What makes you think that some random cat would stick around?”
“STOP, STOP IT NOW!” Spottedpaw screamed out at the other calico tearfully, her claws were out and her tail raised up. The young apprentice couldn't afford the energy, couldn't find the power to keep her emotions together.
The other placed its paw over hers. “Come on now, you and I both know that you don’t have that in you.”
Despite what Spottedpaw wanted to say or do she knew the other she-cat was right. She was never a fighter. Not now, not ever. Fighting was something that she could never pull herself to do and it made her wonder. It made her wonder..
“Spottedpaw… I need you to know something, look me in the eyes darling.”
Reluctantly she followed the command of the she-cat.
“Your mother is the one that holds the highest position in love one can have for you. No one else can fill this role, yet this cat is missing. That cat is missing since you are nothing more than crowfood to this cat. If you are crowfood to them, then all other cats think even lower about you than that. Remember that before you start to delude yourself again with this grandeur idea that you can actually be worth loving, alright?”
Where was her mask? Had it blown away in the wind? It was something that the young apprentice needed desperately at this moment. Something to separate herself from all of this, to provide some warmth against all of this. Something to use to lie to herself with. Anything to avoid this ugly truth that she was living. Why couldn’t she be the happy go lucky cat she pretended to be?
Tearfully the young apprentice woke. There was someone she needed to talk to, if they were willing to listen to her.
A Spotted Heart [VA]
