'just finish what you started, queen of nothing.' [ TANSYPAW VA ]

[silver.]

past tense.

trembling paws push and push and push until they're no longer on riverclan soil. no longer bound by the shackles of her own personal hellscape. her chest heaves with the effort of a closed mouth sprint, teeth still clenched around the bundle of herbs that she had so stupidly brought along for the ride. it's set gently to the ground so her maw can suck in desperate breaths. desperate for air, for comfort, for some semblance of reassurance that won't come.

it's then she immediately regrets her decision. looking back over her shoulder she tries to garner whether or not she was being followed. begging that someone came trailing after her to change her mind.

of course she was wrong. no one actually cared. everyone wanted her gone from the moment she stepped paw on that territory. everyone wanted her gone the moment gingerfrost-- no, gingerstar, appointed her to her position. they wanted her gone the moment falconfeather disappeared and she was nothing more than a child all alone, carrying the weight of an entire clan's health on her shoulders.

they always wanted her gone. this was for the better. but why did tears still well in her eyes? why was there this painful pang in her chest thinking about all the faces she was leaving behind? they definitely cared about her, right?

right?

if they cared they would have tailed you. chased you down. they wouldn't let you run away like the coward that you are. you're alone. you'll always be alone.

the voice throbbing like a painful headache in the sides of her head were right and she knew it. knew that no matter how much she wanted it to be false no one would ever care. no one wanted to help. only wanted her to fail. crash and burn like one of those twoleg monsters gliding over a sheet of ice on their thunderpath. slowly she turns forward once more and begins to walk. without a destination in mind, without a thought on her mind aside from the bitter taste of betrayal on her tongue.

no one cared, anyway, she why should she.

present tense.

finding the desire to eat again took a few days. it was only when she realized just how gaunt she had become that she decided that withering away maybe wasn't the answer after all. so in her months alone she's put weight back on-- which was awfully nice in the colder moons that she had spent alone. shaking the small twigs and leaves from her pelt, she crawls out from her makeshift den to meet the sun for the first time today. chocolate hues blinks sleep away as they adjust to the sudden change in brightness and she allows her body to stretch. should drink. should eat. should take a walk. should do a lot of things but even still she doesn't feel the urge to do any of them.

despite the desire to curl back up in her still warm nest to continue to relish in the heat of her own body, her legs move her forward anyway. there's not a destination in mind still. even to this day, far in the future from that day. they bring her to a small creek. the one that she's been visiting with emptiness for the past however long. tired eyes stare back at the reflection that appears in the water and it's moments like this that she cannot help but reflect.

it was days like this she hated. having woken from a dream too realistic to be fair to her, only to find she was still in a den that wasn't hers. alone. always alone. she hated being alone. hated this state of limbo where nothing she did mattered to anyone. because all she can think of is how she needs to go back. needs to go back home and take the punishment of running away with her chest puffed out and her head raised high.

but what if they killed her?

well, maybe it was better that way. maybe it was meant to be, if it happened. and then maybe she would get a bit of closure, too. settling into a crouch, she stares closer at the face that eyes her tiredly with a tilt of her head.

'why do you want to die so badly?'

"i don't."

'could've fooled me. if ya wanna go back so badly just do it-- they're gonna get mad but ya did it to yourself."

"i know." she mutters in response, no longer able to look her in the eye. "i deserve whatever they wanna do to me. i ain't dumb. i know that much."

'what're ya feelin' sorry for yourself for? knock it off. show yourself some respect. show gingerstar and all the others that believed in ya some respect. this is pathetic.'

the face in the water was right. the face in the water was always right. but the cowardice was suffocating. just like it had always been. at the end of the day tansypaw had always been a coward. anticipating the looks on their faces as she returned home... listening to the hissing, the whispers... stars, sure she deserved it but it didn't make it any easier. but it was home. home needed her and she abandoned them. maybe they would take pity on her and let her stay but what if she didn't? there was no going back to being a kittypet. being a loner was... well, lonely. the groups of cats that lived on the edge of the twoleg dens could be even more vicious than the clans.

there really was no place for her in this world.

regardless of her fear, she remembers the way home. she could never forget the way home, the smell of home. on cold nights it soothed her aching. on lonely nights it made it feel like she wasn't balled up somewhere unfamiliar and empty. so paws carry her home. mindless but with a destination this time. as she walks she can hear the voice behind her from the creek, with a hint of amusement in her tone.

'there you go. own up to it-- stop bein' so scared. if you're not afraid of them killin' ya then you really got nothin' to fear. go on home now.'

heavy sits the crown of nothingness atop her small head. and she wears it with pride.

[OOC NOTE: this va takes place right before tansy meets up with adderpaw for the first time since the day she ran away.]