nothing's new [p]

[redshiftreign]

I WANT TO TOUCH; BE LOVED

I WANT TO HEAL; BE HUGGED

@silver. [duskshiver]

the wind, gentle and calm howled a symphony with the birdsong across the morning fields. rushwater shifted from where his thin skin dug elbows and joints into soft soil. conciousness ebbed like the banks of a river as he came-to. or perhaps came-away, as the annals of sleep had claimed his mind for yet another dream. where he had expected tempests and storms, thundering on the horizon like the sins he had thought to outrun, he found, instead, an idyllic plain. it reminded him of something. some place far away, where he remembered being. it was one of those tears in his reality- a gap he didn't have the knowledge to place quite yet.

but if this was a memory, it didn't seem to be a sour one. so he embraced it and decided to stay a while. indigo eyes flitted open and took in the plains with a quiet sort of reverence. as if, like a bird, he might scare the peace away with any sudden movement.

then, carried gently on the breeze as he slowly rose to his paws, a scent caught his attention among the countless things he still couldn't quite place. this one, though, this one he was certain of. and it caught in his throat. almost suffocated him.

but for some reason, it didn't seem as harsh as drowning.

rushwater moved carefully, however efficiently along the plains as he thought to himself. he didn't think he'd seen these lands up close- which clan. he had to dig a little bit, the spots in his memory like burnt holes in a photo. riverclan was his clan. the one he'd die for. the one he'd live for. it wasn't that one- but he'd seen these lands from the careful assurance of the border many times. speaking of the border, as if drawn up by his own thoughts, into view came the familiar winding ridge that separated riverclan from. . .

the name. what was this place called.

then, as he crested the hill standing just a pace inside his side of the border(his, riverclan was his. his home. his lover. his world), his gaze alighted upon the warm browns and almost-oranges of a familiar tom. for the second time, his breath hitched and he stared with jaws parted slightly.

"duskshiver." rushwater said, forcing his voice into an even measure despite his rising mirth as he crossed down the hill to pad beside the long-hair. "we really should stop meeting like this."

let's stay and play pretend for a bit, shall we?

it was just like what happened with cherryswirl. a stolen dream. maybe he could figure out how this works. . . maybe he could see his daughter. but that might tear him apart, the last shreds of what was left.

so he'd settle for his annoyance.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH; I DON'T WANT TO GO BUT

EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS PLACE IS DYING, AS AM I.

[silver.]

The dreamscape he's residing in was always a safe place for him. His own personal slice of Silver Pelt where he didn't have to worry about clan borders or hunting his own meals. Here everything made sense, yet also didn't. Whimsical and free. Fish swim past his face in idle circles above his head, leisurely and unafraid of his presence, and he cannot help but be entranced by their iridescent fins. Yes, he liked this place. It wasn't often he was blessed with a dream as lovely as this but it seemed as though it was his lucky night.

Lounging amongst swaying wildflowers, he swipes a paw at the image dancing above and the fish dissipate into butterflies. They flutter into a warm visage of the setting sun and he decides that's his queue to rise to his paws. Stretching his front paws out far before himself, his jaws part in a languid yawn. Fluffy tail sweeps around before him so he can offer it a few slow licks before a voice draws his attention. A familiar voice. A voice that he had longed to hear once more. This dream was beginning to excite him now that he's heard it. It meant that this was a sweet dream-- one he most likely didn't deserve but was granted nonetheless.

As if he thought it a trick of the wind, the tabby turns to admire the approaching figure of his prince from across the border. The tom that still settled at the edges of his mind from time to time as if that was where he belonged. The one that plucked each delicate string of his heart as if the jovial ring that reverberated through his body was of no consequence. Side by side he allows himself a smile, emerald hues gentle as they look his visitor over. The Rushwater beside him is different than he remembers, but his presence is still a comfort. Different but soothing. What did he do to get so lucky to spend tonight with him?

On second thought was this his longing rearing it's ugly head again? Because if so that wasn't very fair. All of a sudden it became very difficult to focus on the sweet reunion of flame and water.

"Where's the fun in that, hm?" He croons, leaning over to rub his cheek against the other tom's. "I knew you couldn't stay away from me, my prince. What do I owe the pleasure of your visit, hm?"

Oh how his heart yearns to lay with him. Settle in against the wild flowers and stare up at the sky. Perhaps in this dreamland his wish would be granted. It was his special place, after all, and if Rushwater was here with him then the silent plea to cure his loneliness had been heard. Thank the Stars for something. A pleasant purr rolling from his throat, he all but stops himself from nuzzling into him. This wasn't real, right? He could indulge in this a little bit... Enjoy it for what it was... The Rushwater here could know the truth. Maybe it would make him feel better when he woke.

"I've missed you, you know. You need to stop disappearing on me. Poor Duskshiver is going to wither with loneliness if you keep this up~"

rushwater | @redshiftreign

[redshiftreign]

@silver. [duskshiver]

the way rushwater pulled back slightly, almost imperceptibly, was enough to affirm that he was still himself. surprised, before standing at attention and permitting the touch with very little reaction. he never really was sure how to handle the soft, tender gestures of the windclan tom. they always confused him.

what had he ever done to deserve this adoration?

he had been showered in attention by many she-cats, though it was pretty rare and fleeting to find a tom to drown him in adoration. often, it made him uncomfortable regardless of whom it was from. but not this time- though he was rigid and tense, he was not uncomfortable. anything but that.

what was the harm in a little indulgence? he hated himself for it, maybe, but what was left to hate? he loathed himself for everything else. this fleeting moment. . . he could permit himself this one mercy. even if he didn't deserve it. rushwater tilted his head against duskshivers ever so slightly, letting the tom brush against him without protest.

"just passing through," he rasped softly, feeling scar tissue tug in his throat. he felt warm, almost nervous. like a kit waiting for his apprentice ceremony." "oh, i don't feel too bad, doll, i imagine you have plenty of company with that pretty face of yours." he quipped in return, a slight, genuine, smirk tugging at his muzzle.

the sleuth had never expected to say he missed someone from beyond the borders of his own clan, but he did. he did, more than anything. among the two people that mattered, duskshiver came in second. even if their meeting was fleeting. even if he hardly knew him. there was an ease and comfort in the nuisance tom that rushwater couldn't quite place, but had grown to find as sickly sweet as honey. it was intoxicating and warm. he yerned for it, felt safe in its tight grasp, and let it sink into his bones and settle where he let very few things reside.

but of everything that deserved a spot to rest within, duskshiver seems like one of them.

even in spite of that, rushwater felt like he was a poor imitation of himself. so out of character. . . like an actor playing out his part in a kitten's game of clan.

[silver.]

How... Unexpected. It truly must be a dream. And one that has come true for him, nonetheless. Feeling the pressure of the other pressing back against him forces the purr that fills the momentary silence to grow in volume. Sure at first he seemed a bit put off. That was very typical and expected. But he was reciprocating. Actually touching him back, even if it was just a little bit. And he couldn't be happier if he tried, surely.

It was almost as if that was the permission he needed to push further. To give in to the suffocating loneliness of his new outsider lifestyle and pursue the comfort of the one cat that had seemingly held his interest longer than a moon. He shuffles in closer so their shoulders are flush against one another, muzzle resting against Rushwater's neck with no intention of moving.

"Oh, come now, stay a while." He purrs quietly to him from his comfortable spot, eyes falling closed as he enjoys his warmth. His presence. His very being. "You ought to feel bad. I haven't spent time with anyone in moons. I swear I could just keel over and die, you know. I can't be alone this long."

He doesn't need to see the smirk in order to know it's there. He can hear it in his tone alone, teasing and playful-- what he needed right now. The purring grows a bit quieter as he settles in and calms down, eyes fluttering open to stare up at the other from his place against him. Some Starclan cat must be looking favorably upon him right now. Why else would he be blessed with such a sweet dream? Remind him to track down and thank whoever it was when he joined them up there.

"Don't go anywhere just yet. Stay with me. Let's enjoy the sunset-- it's beautiful, isn't it?"

It's almost as if he's begging-- pleading-- for Rushwater to stay with him. For this evening to last forever. Just the two of them, enjoying the scenery and the warmth of the setting sun as if the world outside didn't exist. As if he wouldn't wake up, cold and alone, and again longing for his touch. The fluffy tail of the tabby winds it's way around Rushwater as if that alone would keep him rooted. Keep him here with him and stop him from running off into the nothingness of this land where he could no longer reach him.

rushwater | @redshiftreign

[redshiftreign]

@silver. [duskshiver]

this all felt fake. it all felt shallow and foggy and unclear. like he was trying to push through molasses.

everything in him begs to run. to twist away, as if the touch of affection burns. and in part, it does. it stings against his fur, his mind aching with thoughts of why. why. why. for what reason could dusk possibly have to get so close to such a. . . nothing.

rushwater was nothing, after all. if tasked to describe himself, he didn't think he'd say anything particularly grand. he was handsome, sure, in the most broad sense of the word(but he supposed that was his stolidity. for some reason beyond him, people adored such things). he was a hard worker. he was dedicated and serious. but more than that, he was harsh, critical and discontent. he was easily annoyed and asocial. he was socially inept and deprived of affection. certainly the cons outweighed the pros.

still, somehow, he was certain that he was a better cat than most. maybe that's what duskshiver saw. maybe that's what he yearned for. that stoic, hard-to-get brute.

that, honestly, scared rushwater more. because it forced him to stay the same. to stagnate and fester in consistency. a sharp breath escaped him. slowly, he sat on his haunches with the fluffy tom pressed to his side, doting over him like a lovestruck fool. he huffed, mild amusement and calmness in his expression as his ear flicked.

"you'll do just fine alone. if i can handle it, i assure you it won't kill you." he chided emptily, indigo eyes grazing duskshiver than looking to the sunset. "i'll linger. not for long. never for long." a pause, a break in his practiced cadence. as if hesitant, "but i will linger."

[silver.]

"But why?"

Why linger? Why not stay? There would be no harm in staying. No clan members to worry about. No borders to fret over. Just the open plains, occupied by very few others. Some come and go, never stay too long. But the two of them could stay here. The two of them could keep one another company, never again falling victim to the painful sorrow that was loneliness. Duskshiver would like that. One day it would kill him. One day he would simply wither away into dust as if he never existed in the first place. Who would remember him? Rushwater? Sweetkit? Twilightstar? Hopefully one out of three. He could live-- or die, rather-- with at least one.

Staying put against the other tom he falls silent for a time. He sits and relishes in the comfort that was his prince's company. Their scents mingle and intertwine, just as his tail unwinds from the other's frame to do so with the others'. He could stay like this forever, he thinks. Stay right here, staring at the pastels of the sky as they wish him a peaceful sleep for the night. So why, he continues to wonder? Who wouldn't want to stay just like this?

"Of course you can handle it. You're strong like that. But me? Haha, not me." Allowing himself a moment to be vulnerable was uncomfortable but... This wasn't real. Rushwater would never know these secrets of his. So it was safe to tell him, right? Safe to tell him here. "I could never be alone. I'd go mad. So I'm glad you're here. I've been alone for some time now."

As much as he enjoyed the freedom of a tom no longer bound by the laws of clan life it was... Hollow. No one to bother, no one to cuddle up with when he was cold. No friends but the wildflowers of the plains and the birds that sang sweet songs from their perches above. Blinking slowly, he finally allows his gaze to wander back to the other and settle there, watching his expression with rapt interest. How would he feel about knowing all of this? Would he care? Or would he continue to brush aside the things he was saying as if this was another one of their banters?

"Just... Stay. Stay with me." His voice is nary above a whisper now, emerald orbs searching desperately for even a hint of acknowledgement. "I don't want to lose you again. You've been gone for so long. Why haven't you come back to me, Rushwater? Have you forgotten me? Or... Perhaps you never truly cared. Is that it?"

rushwater | @redshiftreign

[redshiftreign]

@silver. [duskshiver]

duskshiver was a couple layers of superficial covering the deep, beating, bloody heart of the matter in every prior interaction. the easy flow of banter dropped with all pretense. wounds were bared, reality checked, and rushwater felt himself grow tense at the emotional beat. this was something unfarmiliar. something he wasn't exactly adept at. shifting uncomfortably in his fur, he looked at duskshiver with an expression closer to awkwardness rather than his usual stolidity.

looking away over the fields, he passed his tongue over his muzzle in a nervous tic.

he hadn't expected things to take a turn for the emotional so soon. he felt like he was treading on something private. he was not supposed to be here, stealing this tender moment. a better version of him- the one that duskshiver wanted had ought to be in his stead. not the real, underwhelming, amoral sleuth.

after a pregnant pause, rushwater tilted his head a bit, and finally drew words up from his chest. as misplaced as he felt, something burned hot and painful in his chest. "you have?" he asked, feeling awfully small under duskshiver's scrutinizing gaze. "what of windclan, then?"

perhaps he was torn away, too. or left. rushwater couldn't blame him for such a thing. if he were two steps a worse man, he'd have left a long time ago. in a way, he feared that he had. it was his fault, after all.

it always was.

just stay. rushwater closed his eyes tight, teeth gritting. it hurt. why? why did it hurt?

"i can't," he said, tone tense. as if the mere suggestion hurt, "i'll stay for a while, but i can never remain for long. if i stop moving, i'll settle, and there won't be any good left in me to care for."

he crumbled, a shred of weakness alotted. here, it was harmless. a dream. shielded by the safety of anominity and unreality, he let emotion break his tone.

"i hate being alone, too, duskshiver, but i hate what i am in the moments between movement even more.

[silver.]

He knew the answer before it came. Hesitantly his gaze sweeps back out upon the horizon and he sits in silence for a long while. To think. To imagine what life would be like if the two of them enjoyed it together away from the stress of clan life. Of course Rushwater wasn't the type to wander listlessly and enjoy life for what it was. He was a worker bee with nothing else to live for. To work was to be fulfilled. And Rushwater was seeking fulfillment more than any other warrior he had the pleasure of meeting.

So why did he fall in love with such a tom?

Maybe he was a glutton for punishment. Enjoyed the chase, enjoyed the unattainable. But why? The harrowing ache that was being so very alone in the world with no one to care for, no one to care for him, spread a dull buzz through his limbs. He was destined to be alone, it seemed. Perhaps the front he had stacked up carefully all these moons truly was his downfall. Don't get attached. Don't develop feelings. It was easier to be but a breeze on a cool evening, drifting from cat to cat without a care in the world. But here sat his one mistake. Something he hadn't anticipated latching onto. Stars curse him.

"I left Windclan some time ago." He answers finally, still unable to look him in the eye. Saddened gaze stays glued to the darkening skyline, pastels now tinged with cascading shades of blue. "Not that anyone cared or noticed. I wasn't much of a prominent personality there, believe it or not. Just another warrior making sure mouths were fed. What a joke. Just another warrior... That's not who I am."

No, he was more than that. He was cunning and sly. Good with words, good with cats, good at being more than just a number amongst a clan that would mourn you a day after you were gone and then carry on as if you never existed. Duskshiver knew he deserved better than that. So here he was. Alone, but living life the way he deserved. Was it worth it? He has yet to decide.

"I suppose it's useless to argue, huh? No point in trying to change your mind if it's already made up. That would be like asking me to return to Windclan. It just wouldn't happen."

Still it dug claws into his chest to acknowledge. To understand that the one person he wanted nothing more than to be with wouldn't stop moving for him. The old Duskshiver would be okay with that. The one outside the dreamscape, the one that cared too much about his own image to stick around anyone for too long. But the tabby in here was fragile. As if at any moment the drop of a pin alone could shatter his entire façade. It was... Pathetic.

"Well, then... Let's just enjoy our time then. Stay like this awhile. Until you have to go again. No need to dwell on such... Stupid things."

Yes. It was stupid. Asking him to stay was stupid. Wanting him to stay was stupid. But it didn't mean he didn't want it any less.

rushwater | @redshiftreign