Would it even matter? [P]

[Fish]

Spottedpaw
Peaceful ⋆ Dejected ⋆ Melancholic ⋆ Neutral Good
“Life is fickle and self serving."
@Dark

Life was a fickled thing it seemed. So soon to leave you but so soon to come back. Spottedpaw heard but never witnessed that leaders could come back from the dead but an ordinary cat? It almost seemed to good to be true but she had watched her adopted mother die in front of her with screams that would forever haunt her. Several minutes passed that had felt like ages to her, then, miraculously the dead queen spoke again. Still to Spottedpaw this felt like some kind of odd prank. That all of this didn't actually happen and that no life was lost but.. She herself heard the beating heart of someone she foolishly loved stop.

Spottedpaw was a raging hurricane of emotions at the time of her adopted mothers death and determined that she hated Firestorm. Yet this was a lie. Spottedpaw couldn't find herself to actually feel hatred and meekly she decided hate wasn't worth it. Sure she wished things had been so much different with her and Firestorms relationship but that wasn't a reason to hate. It was a reason to mourn, but hatred would not fix anything its sole purpose was destruction. Something that wouldn't ever help, no matter how much one cat thought it so.

She wasn't sure how many days had passed after the birthing of the kitten but Spottedpaw kept away. She wanted to keep away for the rest of her days and to lay rotting in her den away from everyone but... One day the light came sinking in from the day and the young Apprentice got up from her nest. Eventually she would be pulled away by her whiskers to get out, to be a part of the clan again. So she had to do something about that.

Walking out of the apprentice's den, she made her way over to the nursery in auto pilot. There was someone she had to talk to, it was important. For her own sake, her own mind she needed to talk to them..

"Firestorm... Can we go out for a hunt? The prey pile is looking scare." Spottedpaw said in a dull tone. She did not check the pile to see if this was actually true. It really didn't matter.

[Dark]

Firestorm

Ultimate Predator: Inactive | Burn Baby Burn
___________

It hadn’t been long since she came back to life. The shock of her beloved mate losing her memories and subsequently not being able to enjoy the birth of their kits was heartbreaking. Instead of choosing to worry too much about that and wallow in her sadness, she instead opted to look after the kits and recovering. The birth of the kits was by no means smooth nor easy. She had lost a significant amount of blood and barely managed to bring them all into the world before she eventually couldn’t keep up her strength. One selfish wish after another. A desire to have things her way without any regard for those around her. That’s how she had been living up to this point – something she desperately wanted to change.

Another consequence of her actions was that Spottedpaw seemed to be avoiding her. She first noticed it when she opened her eyes after closing them for what she thought would be the final time. Spottedpaw had been hanging in the back of the group that had come to see her and had since not visited her. She was mad at her. Or that’s what Firestorm thought. She felt like Spottedpaw simply didn’t want to be around her anymore – not saying that she blamed her, but it still hurt nonetheless. Speaking of Spottedpaw…

Firestorm was resting in the nursery, keeping a careful watch of the kits at her side when her eldest daughter came into the nursery. Tired eyes looked up as the apprentice came in and she offered a small smile. She missed her. She missed her so much. She still wanted to make things right and rekindle their relationship and improve it to a state better than where it had been previously.

A hunt? It had been over a moon since she had been able to go on a proper hunt, and being able to stretch her legs would do some good. Shifting in her nest, the small queen rose to her paws and padded over to her visitor. Gently leaning in to attempt to lick the top of her head, she gave a small trill. ”Lead the way, love. I’ll show you just why I’m the best hunter in the clan ~”

[ @Fish A bit more time passed than I would have liked, I aplogize]

[Fish]

Spottedpaw
Peaceful ⋆ Dejected ⋆ Melancholic ⋆ Neutral Good
“Life is fickle and self serving."
@Dark


A smile betrayed Spottedpaw. It wasn't something she wanted to give away freely now, a smile was to only be used for a service and a joke wasn't adequate payment. Or at least she was trying to steel herself that jokes wouldn't affect her but, despite it all she did love Firestorm. Yet to make herself grow maybe she had to let go of things and letting go of what caused her great pain, for some pain for a little while was a good trade. So let go.

Spottpedpaw nodded her head and led Firestorm out of the clan's camp. There was guilt eating at her for dragging a nursing queen out for a hunt but she heard something about it was good to stretch your legs after sitting too long—She didn't know why but this was going to be used to not feel as guilty anymore. So she made Firestorm do the longest walk that she had probably done in a few moons. The apprentice stopped near the outskirts before she turned around to face Firestorm—Her heat rate spiked.

Was this the right thing to do?

“I’m sorry to tell you this but I lied to you. I didn’t want to come here to hunt.. Hells I don’t even know how much prey we actually have.” Spottedpaw started while being unable to look Firestorm in her eyes—the ground just seemed so much more interesting. “No, I wanted to come out here and talk to you alone, without the worry of others listening in on this conversation.” She finished as she looked around at the field that they were standing in. No way there could be a cat hidden around here.

“Can you please spare me indignity?”

Forgive me, I'm not as naive I've been here before.

Her green eyes tried to pierce the soul of the orange cat in front of her. No longer was Spottedpaw scared of looking Firestorm in the eyes. There was still fear in her heart but bravery was just acting while being scared.

“This cruel game being played, I cannot bear it any more. Just tell me that you don’t love me anymore or that you never did to begin with. I can’t bear being pulled along like this.” She wanted to run away before she could hear Firestorm’s response. An irrational fear of what the other cat might say, but she had to hold strong for her own little heart. There was no other way to survive if she didn’t do this.


And won't you please call it if our time is through?

The young cat lashed her tail as she continued through her own mental torment. “Despite how you may respond to that.. I don’t think I am cut out for clan life.”

She fell silently for several heartbeats after dropping that bomb.

Yet this is how she truly felt for a long time now.

“All of us are no better than the rogues we hate and spit venom at. The only difference is that we pretend that we are different. This is some delusional act that we play, that we are brainwashed into thinking is true.”

“We play this game not alone but with other ‘clans’. Since they aren’t a part of our clan we get a free pass to brutalize and murder each other. Hell, sometimes we don’t even save it for the other ‘clan’ cats. We can even be spared from carnage even in our own homes, just like rogues. So what even is the point of all this?”

Spottedpaw was furious. Furious at the injustice forced upon her and all the other cats just because of arbitrary stink lines. “How does it even make sense that if someone accidentally crosses a line that they must die. Why do we hold life saving herbs away from others because of these lines.” Spottedpaw snorted. “Maybe that’s too hard of a thought for us savages to even think of not hurting cats just looking for medicine. Cats can’t be stopped from shredding medicine cats anyways...” She looked off for a moment and sighed. The world could be a much nicer world if others just took a moment to talk instead of trading blows.

“Hell ‘we’ joined all up as three cowards to drive one out of their homelands. They didn’t play very nice, but that wasn’t all of them was it? We think that the river dweller were rogues but we should reflect on ourselves and see that we are just what we thought of them. A bunch of cowardly, criminals pretending to be civil.” Maybe Spottedpaw had too soft of a heart but she was appalled that they would never see punishment for this crime. It wasn’t like the stars above would do anything, they were just self absorbed savages that had no care of the living. Clans being good or civil was just as much of a joke as Starclan was. Everycat was so brainwashed that they could not see this. It was all so laughable.

“So tell me ‘mother’ what do you say in your defense, and for this savagery?” Spottedpaw said, looking into Firestorm’s eyes with a sharp look. The young cat was not afraid of making out on her own. The world was a scary place but even in her own home it was the same. Seeing no one wanted the seconds, Spottedpaw found little reason to stay. She was a strong kitty, she could rely on herself when no one else wanted to prop her up. All she needed was a soft word, a heavy mistake to make her to never turn her head back and to look at what was. What could have—Should have been.

[Dark]

Firestorm

Ultimate Predator: Inactive | Burn Baby Burn
___________

The trek was long, longer than the orange queen expected. Her previous fitness gone since giving birth, she had to take a couple of breaks in order to catch her breath. For something she considered to be her greatest wish, it sure was a pain in the ass to deal with – not that she regreted her decision to have the kits though. As they continued to walk, she realized they were getting closer and closer to the outskirts. Was there a good hunting spot around here? It wasn’t often that she came out this far within the territory, so she was slightly unfamiliar with their surroundings.

Looking all over the place to get her bearings, the sound of Spottedpaw’s voice dragged her out of her thoughts. She lied ot her? Cocking her head to the side curiously, Firestorm listened with a blank expression, unsure of what to think. Why hadn’t her adopted daughter just asked her to talk? It’s not as though she’d have denied the request had she known the apprentice’s true objective.

Could she spare her what…? Indigniminity? Firestorm had no idea what that word meant, however, Spottedpaw didn’t stop. Did she really think that she didn't love her? Unable to speak, she sat there in stunned silence, eyes welling with tears as the younger she-cat poured her heart out to her. The words were harsh, unadulterated and full of anger and sadness. She didn’t know how to respond to be honest. It was just… so much. She hadn’t realized that she had caused her eldest daughter so much pain, or she was experiencing so much inner turmoil. She had failed her, and that was abundantly clear now

Firestorm padded closer to the apprentice in silence, before attempting to press her forehead to hers. ”I’m sorry.” She whispered softly before continuing ”I’m by no means a good mother. I wasn’t a good mate to Lightningstorm. I’m not a great warrior, and I’ll probably never be a great leader.” She took a deep, shaky breath, attempting to calm herself down. She could do this. She’d be able to tell Spottedpaw how she really felt. ”Love… love is a hard thing. I’m not fully sure what it is, or how I should feel – honestly, before that night I had never told anyone I loved them –” A pause. ”I do love you, Spottedpaw – my eldest daughter. I’m… not good at showing it, and I apologize.”

A moment of silence passed between the two and she closed her eyes, tears falling down her cheeks at the thought of messing up. “I don’t believe that such action should’ve been taken against RiverClan. I loved Fallownose like he was family, and they took him away from me – from all of us. It didn’t excuse that though. They didn’t deserve to be driven from their home. There’s elders, queens, and kits that could die during the trip and I can’t help but imagine us being drawn out of our home and me or my kits dying.”

Opening her eyes, she took a couple of steps back, moist, green orbs studying the cat in front o fher before continuing ”I can’t make you stay, love. I can’t promise you that things will get better, however, I will try. I’ll try to be a proper mother. I ask that you give me another chance, I know I don’t deserve it, but you chose me as your mother and as inexperienced as I am, I want to be that for you. So what do you say? We can go back to camp and share some fresh-kill maybe? I have six little ones who need their big sister to help guide them when I’m not able to ~”

[ @Fish ]

[Fish]

Spottedpaw
@Dark



When Firestorm came over to try and put her forehead against Spottedpaw's own, she quickly moved her head away to look at the ground. But... She slowly lifted her ear as Firestorm tried to reason with her, or more of Firestorm telling all the faults in her character. Then... She said it. Something that Spottedpaw had been waiting all her life to hear. That someone actually loved her. Too long had Spottedpaw gone on without hearing those words, it had made her try to think back if those words were ever directed towards her. She had been convinced that it wasn't something that was meant for her. Maybe... Maybe...

Finally she decided to look up at Firestorm and give her full undivided attention. It still made her sick of what the rest of the forest had done to Riverclan but, she was glad that there was one cat that could actually see reason... Even if there was the lost of their deputy, a well respected cat, killing more Riverclan did not make anything better at all. Killing would never make any slight better, it would never help heal any emotional wounds, it would never be the answer to anything. Ever.

Then the part she was dreading came up. Firestorm trying to convince her to stay. Why should she stay if even after this there was a very good chance that Windclan, or the forest, would do something like this again. She dreaded Riverclan retribution and how could she blame them? Should Spottedpaw let her heart out again?

Spottedpaw hesitated to say yes. She was a fool who had worn her heart on her shoulder, and it had been the easy mark it always was. Yet, despite how much she felt she knew better than to do this again, oh how she wanted to do... With the tears that had welled up in her mind she remembered words that rang in her ears. 'Tears look terrible on you, you should smile instead, like this.' So Spottedpaw tried to do her best...


"Ok... I'll stick around for now." She said before taking a moment to wipe away her tears. Her voice was so shaky it must be so obvious how conflicted she was feeling right now. Yet, Firestorm was right, she needed to help raise her little brothers and sisters to become wonderful warriors. Maybe she would even teach them how to be safe with their hearts too. "Just promise to be gentle with me? I think I'm far too soft for being a clan cat, I could never fight but maybe I could just teach the younger ones..." She looked to the ground for a moment thinking what use she would be to the clan if she wouldn't fight. Would Twilightstar keep her around knowing she refused to do such a thing. Suddenly Spottedpaw felt stones in her stomach thinking about what if this information got out to the accident leader. Her questioning of loyalty. Maybe she could do something to ease suspicions.

"Maybe instead of taking from the prey pile I can hunt something for us. I did mention I didn't actually check the pile so there's a chance it's actually really low... And let me do it! I have to show you my skills!" And she did drag a cat who recently kitted out of the clan, walked this far out and they needed several breaks. Firestorm really needed time to really relax before they made their way back to the clan; and if she asked Firestorm to be gentle with her, shouldn't she do the same?