An Unwavering Heart (Unwavering Emotions)

[Abyssopelagic]

¤— Coldamber : Death, Upright : she/her
Purrks- World Weaver : WindClan Ancestor —¤




It had been quite some moons ago when she last saw Rhiannon, when she discovered her son was still alive and well, and when she sent the aforementioned she-cat off with a shard of the moonstone, encased in amber she'd created.
It was meant to be a personal, direct link to herself and Snakeheart. And yet, try as she might, she could not seem to get through to him. Wherever he was, it was too far away for her to follow.
She wondered if the sweet molly she had spoken to was alright, if she'd made it home safely. But if so, why was it so hard for her to connect to him?
There were so many questions and possibilities that swirled in her head like a raging storm and at the center sat perhaps the most painful possibility of all. That he simply did not wish to speak to her.
It wasn't impossible.
She's not sure she would blame him, either.

After many failed attempts to reach him, she turned her attention to those closer who needed her. She busied herself with the business of the Medicine Cats, taught them, guided them. Anything to keep her from obsessively trying to reach out to someone who did not answer back.
Her attempts to contact him became fewer as she entrenched herself in the lives of the Medicine Cats. And as healer after healer was failed by their predecessor.
And Tansypaw came after Stonepaw came after Fawnpaw came after Snakeheart....
When would RiverClan learn? When would they stop failing their youth?
When would it all stop?
Children should not have such weights put upon them, and yet it happened time after time. And she had to teach each one anew when the healer before them perished without warning.
But it extended beyond just RiverClan. All of them fell into the same trappings of failure.
And it always came back to her to fix their problems.
She was not angry with the Medicine Cats, no. But rather than system that made this cycle possible, and perpetuated it.

She was tired of worrying after the Medicine Cats. Tired of them being maimed and killed as revenge for the transgressions of warriors and leaders and deputies, and the healers being expected to put up with it, and continue healing as if it should be a normal risk they are to expect.
She was beyond tired.
Beyond exhausted.
It was marrow deep, and made what was left of her own soul quake.
She ... She just wanted something to go right for her.
She wanted ....
She didn't know anymore.

Realizing that she needed to get out of her head, she approached the little pool of water she always used to interact with the living, and pressed her nose to the surface. She focused on the way the water rippled around where she made contact, and gently lapped at the skin it could reach.
When the ripples stopped, she closed her eyes, and let her thoughts wander.
Wander between the faces and names of those she'd loved, and those she'd taught. She found herself returning to one in particular.
Breathing deep, she schooled her thoughts, let her focus hone in, reaching out to where StarClan's presence wasn't felt, reached for that personal tie.
And she tried their connection one more time.




//Some way overdue Coldamber and Snakeheart reunion\\
[ @Rani ]

[Rani]

Nathaniel
Kittypet Healer | He/him | 40 Moons | Dreamwalker | Silver Tongue

Sometimes Nathaniel wondered when he’d become such a coward.
Was he always like this and had forgotten in the hazy trauma filled time that he now viewed his life in the clans as? Possible, given how bad he now recognised his mental health was. Or had it developed when the paranoia did, when the tom had feared even his clanmates along with everyone else.

The tom doubted anyone would know, if even he didn’t, but stars even now so far away old habits lingered.

Unaware of her mates turmoil (not that she’d be surprised by it) Rhiannon slept, four little kittens curled by her belly snoozing lightly, innocent and so fragile. Nathaniel felt fragile tonight, felt young despite how old he’d gotten, older than even Foxblaze had been when she’d had him. ….Another hindsight realisation that he’d stopped calling her Mom when he’d started calling Coldamber that.

Ah but back to the subject of his thoughts. Coldamber, or he supposed just the amber that laid before him right now.
The story Rhiannon had come home with one day so long ago now had been fantastical and unbelievable had Nathaniel had not lived through what he had. Dreams of the dead, a crystal that looked off the moon, a grey queen that loved him despite who the russet tome was? He’d not balked at the impossibility of these things, but at that he’d expected it at some point and that he still didn’t know how to react.

So he’d….. Not. The healer had buried the amber chunk in a closet in his two legs house and had forgotten it (not really) until now. Until now when he was so suddenly a father and still felt like he needed his mom more then ever. But he was scared so so scared but….. But what if Rhiannon had spoken true and his Mom was waiting for him, missing him and there with comfort advice and care right beyond the veil. Could he really keep her from knowing her grand kittens?

……..
Snakeheart drew the amber closer settling his head into the bedding and pressed his nose into it, eyes closing.
Only to open them to a familiar starry place he’d seen so often before.



@Abyssopelagic

[Abyssopelagic]

Coldamber's eyes opened when she felt that last piece that had been missing all these moons finally pushed itself into place, and the connection was established. Her head jerked upwards, eyes now scanning for her little snake.
Her entire body was still, every muscle tense, staring with a sense of disbelief. So many seasons and finally, finally....
She knew if she kept trying, she would eventually reach him, had hoped as much, but for it to.... Have finally worked....
She'd expected the connection to fail again, and that she would need to try again, as she had in the past. But it finally worked!
It finally worked....

She took a few steps closer. Stars, he was so much older now. He was older than she had been when they last met. He'd finally aged past her.
The thought tugged a sad smile onto her face.
He was certainly taller than her last time she'd seen him, but there was .... A maturity that accompanied it, one that wasn't dragged and weighed down by the responsibilities of a grand collective. He looked happier, healthier than she'd ever seen him.
And she smiled, real and happy and genuine without the sadness that had made itself an entity and pervasive in every aspect of her un-life.

Coldamber took only a single step closer, but she didn't know how close she was allowed, how close he would want her to be. So she paused, let him make that choice for himself.
But she did speak, her neck unintentionally stretching forward in an attempt to press her nose to him. She wanted to touch him, hold him. She'd missed him, and she would no doubt grieve this lost time in the future.
"Snakeheart, I missed you..."

[ @Rani ]

[Rani]

Nathaniel
Kittypet Healer | He/him | 40 Moons | Dreamwalker | Silver Tongue

There she was. After so long, after two lives lost (hers and the cat he once was) and five gained (a new start and four little precious kitten) she was here. A part of him was in shock, unbelieving this was happening despite all the time he'd had to prepare. He felt like a child he no longer was, scared and nervous like he was going to get in trouble for some precieved wrongdoing and be scolded for it, more scared of the disappointment then any trouble he could get in. Coldamber had to know it all now, but he'd come to terms with the fact that never seeing her again was more painful then her judgment, so he was here.

And yet, even with that acceptance he couldnt move. All the conflicting emotions were just too much and he was locked in place, just looking at Coldamber as she padded closer.
In the end it was her speaking that broke the spell.


The tom, grown as he was, broke down into a sob, tears welling in his green eyes as he choked out a shakey "Mom..." Lunging forward to wrap the molly in a hug, burying his face in her grey speckled fur, inhaling the scent that was oh so familiar.

She hadnt changed, of course she hadnt changed she was dead but it only made the healer sob more in a mix of grief and joy. She was dead and could never change again unlike him who'd changed so much, unreachable until now but she was also here. His mom was here.
"I missed you. I missed you so much Mom, Im sorry- Im so sorry you died, I couldnt do it, Id already done so many horrible things I-I had to go, Im so sorry I failed."
Snakehearts breath jagged, air coming and going shakily.
"I know its not enough Mom but Im sorry I-I..."

Words werent coming anymore, not that it mattered because what could Snakeheart really say? There was nothing, nothing, nothing the tom could do but cry into his moms fur clinging like a kit.


@Abyssopelagic