⌦ .｡.:* ✮ @Alchemist Kitsune
your guilt cannot purify you — you've dug your grave now lie in it
time seems to evade him. the crooked trees loom overhead and the sky is of pure ink. there are no stars, and there is no sun. there is a chill that sits so deep inside his bones that it is as if he has never tasted eternal heat. the scars on his leg says otherwise, though, it is a reminder. (his body is a graveyard of reminders. )
his fur is entwined with twigs and rotten leaves, dirt & mud covering his legs. there is no light in his mismatched irises. he runs and runs and runs through the dead grass, someone is chasing after him. he cannot recall how long he has been running. that is all he does - he tries to run away, to find another place to hide deep inside the ground before he is discovered again.
his thoughts felt splintered, deliberately avoiding rumination until something reminded him. something always did - something always brought him back to the past and then he would forget and then it would repeat. he felt lost within himself, his thoughts consisting of vivid dreams that took him away from this wretched place. never for long enough.
looking into the living world had been a fluke; he had not particularly known that was something he could do. it came in glimpses and flashes, sometimes he knew not what was real and what was simply created within his own head. however, with particular dread the former medicine cat had started to realize something was terribly wrong. at - at least it appeared to be that way. snippets of speech - never explaining fully but from what he had gathered his apprentice had lost her memories. some? all? it was clueless to him.
he should not interfere. if he was her, he would never want to see him again no matter the situation. the blood on his paws would never wash away. his intent would never deter the impact he had on lightningstorm. she had been closer to him than his own family had which is perhaps why thinking of her was as if setting his chest ablaze. his guilt felt all-consuming; it had jaws and it wished to swallow him whole.
but he loved her and the stars were silent as they always were. if flickerlight had been able to visit him all the moons ago then he had to be able to do the same. if that was the situation, he could not sit idle. he wanted to help - he needed to help and perhaps selfishly, he hoped she did not remember him. that she would forget him completely so they could interact as strangers once more — he could assist, and that would be the conclusion.
she did not need to suffer.
the splotched tom stepped slowly into the freezing water, his heart thumping in his chest. his limbs protested against him, a buzzing forming in his paws. he believed he had managed to throw flickerlight off his trail long enough – this was his chance to see her. he had been trying, ever so slowly to learn how to slip away. the water, unfortunately, seemed to be about the only thing that allowed him to focus long enough to do anything. the biting cold numbed all his senses. he stepped further and further until he became submerged in the black water; his vision becoming black.
he let his limbs fall limp, drifting deeper and deeper into the lake. his chest screamed for air but he knew he did not need it. he didn’t know how long he sat at the bottom of that lake until his thoughts took him away. it was if stretching out blindly as he focused on the thought of lightningstorm. everything he could remember about her. her fur, her voice, her scent, her jokes - and he felt something. a warm buzz.
and then with great effort he tugged and tugged until he felt his own reality slip away. he would awake in a different dreamscape. a small, small island with a singular weeping willow. large waves crashed against the bank. and he waited with bated breath to see if she would join him.
a mutt that weeps after it kills is still a disobedient dog [ p ]
