Marigoldpaw
She, Her\Apprentice\10 moons\Riverclan
"There will come a poet whose weapon is his word."
Purrks: Dreamwalker [ACTIVE] Chill of Death [ACTIVE]
- - -
Again. She could try again. Star was falling and heat finally subsided. Marigoldpaw welcomed the cool breeze on her white pelt. Days were getting... Weirder to say the least. After the gathering, Marigoldpaw had never felt more frazzled like she'd just been flipped straight onto her head, getting dizzy from the blood rush. Hopefully, if everything went right, she'd be able to get in contact with Rookfire and claw some answers out of his throat since Marigoldpaw lacked them. Goldfish had told her straight up that he was selfish, a danger, not to be trusted. And Marigoldpaw found it hard to believe her. No doubt she had good intentions, but Rookfire was so caught up in proving... Er, something... To Goldfish that he hadn't thought to thoroughly explain himself. They were friends after all... Right?
Maybe not a more logical side of her brain called out to her. Goldfish could be right. You haven't seen Rookfire in moons, it's like he gave up on you. No, no, no. Not yet. She wasn't sure yet. Only one way to find out.
The boney apprentice slipped inside of the apprentice den, staring at her mossbed with a somewhat sour expression. It was certainly missing some feathers or other ornaments. Soon. Hopefully. And with that last wistful thought, Marigoldpaw dragged herself into a heavy sleep, her body becoming like the rocks around her. Heavy. But not so unmovable.
****
Rain.
Since when had it been raining? Last she checked, she had a roof over her head. Hazel eyes blinked back raindrops, taking in the clouded sky as lightning winked through the clouds and thunder responded with a buzz of excitement. Marigoldpaw stiffed. Her dreamscape. It had been raining when she dragged Aspenpaw here on accident but not this harshly. It seemed as though a hurricane was threatening to rip her right off her paws. "Jeez, am I that unstable?" Marigoldpaw rumbled, her fur uncomfortably stuck to her skin with rain. She hated being wet, oh how she dreaded it.
The shaken she-cat stood to her paws with a puzzled expression. If she was here, that meant she was successful, which also meant that Rookfire was also here somewhere. Her eyes glided across the clearing, stopping every once in awhile to look at how the butterflies hid themselves under trees, how the flowers seemed to be wilting, dropping from being over watered. Dying. She looked back to the large willow tree at the center, it's long leaves whipping around in struggle.
The apprentice clenched her teeth. Would the herbs be okay?
She then shook her head. No time, not now. She needed to get Rookfire some shelter. While she doubted either him or her would possibly die in this dream, she was pretty certain that if the dream was terrifying enough that Rookfire would jolt awake as soon as he even entered her head. She swallowed in the humid air and yowled, "Rookfire! You are in uhm my dream! Come to me, I have er questions to ask you!"
Tags:
@alec // Rookfire (the man the myth the legend)
__________________
❝And the cats kill one by one!❞
- Hartebeest by Yalokre
between nights spent on cool stone and always on edge, that short time between coming to shadowclan and ultimately moving to the medicine den after the raid, rookfire had been busy sure, but what was most definitely upsetting was the fact that in the hazy state between action and inaction his mind resorted to at every stop, he appeared to have lost the ability to define his own thoughts. whilst his dreamscape was still active and its fog as cool and biting as ever, there was so walls he could phase through, no spirit he could tear away from his body in search of another, just. nothing. it was cool and open and seemingly endless. endless in all the worst ways.
today however, the enforcer awoke to differing surroundings, flat land similar to how he had originally taken in his own dreamscape, this one wasnt covered in thick fog though. a thunderstorm rage overhead, yet the moisture clinging to his pelt was all rain and no fog. it shouldve put him on edge, to wake up somewhere that he knew so very well could not be his, especially surrounded by harsh nature in the form of the storm, and being completely and utterly alone. rook did not feel any fear or worry creep up on him, no matter how hard he focussed on his feelings.
had he wanted, the enforcer was sure he couldve pulled himself out, left this behind and eventually forget, but the overall state of this..far too tempting to simply leave. whilst his had always been sort of dead, minimal nature besides the grass and trees, this dreamscape appeared to have a far more realistic look to it, yet everything appeared to be dying. drenched to the bone, he understood why bugs hid behind large trees and flowered wilted and curled in on themselves in an attempt to shield themselves from thick rain. the whole place had a thought of pressing atmosphere, very heavy like humid summer nights without any of the heat, leaving him and whoever else was around with a persistent pressure on every side.
torn ears twitched at the sound of his name, twisted and distorted but coming from right ahead. it was familiar, the voice, but something about the place had swallowed any identifying tunes. still, he followed the sound to its origin point, discovering to his shock (though it shouldve been pretty obvious from the start honestly) that it had been marigoldpaw of all cats. "here i am" he opened, dark pelted form finally coming into view.
between nights spent on cool stone and always on edge, that short time between coming to shadowclan and ultimately moving to the medicine den after the raid, rookfire had been busy sure, but what was most definitely upsetting was the fact that in the hazy state between action and inaction his mind resorted to at every stop, he appeared to have lost the ability to define his own thoughts. whilst his dreamscape was still active and its fog as cool and biting as ever, there was so walls he could phase through, no spirit he could tear away from his body in search of another, just. nothing. it was cool and open and seemingly endless. endless in all the worst ways.
today however, the enforcer awoke to differing surroundings, flat land similar to how he had originally taken in his own dreamscape, this one wasnt covered in thick fog though. a thunderstorm rage overhead, yet the moisture clinging to his pelt was all rain and no fog. it shouldve put him on edge, to wake up somewhere that he knew so very well could not be his, especially surrounded by harsh nature in the form of the storm, and being completely and utterly alone. rook did not feel any fear or worry creep up on him, no matter how hard he focussed on his feelings.
had he wanted, the enforcer was sure he couldve pulled himself out, left this behind and eventually forget, but the overall state of this..far too tempting to simply leave. whilst his had always been sort of dead, minimal nature besides the grass and trees, this dreamscape appeared to have a far more realistic look to it, yet everything appeared to be dying. drenched to the bone, he understood why bugs hid behind large trees and flowered wilted and curled in on themselves in an attempt to shield themselves from thick rain. the whole place had a thought of pressing atmosphere, very heavy like humid summer nights without any of the heat, leaving him and whoever else was around with a persistent pressure on every side.
torn ears twitched at the sound of his name, twisted and distorted but coming from right ahead. it was familiar, the voice, but something about the place had swallowed any identifying tunes. still, he followed the sound to its origin point, discovering to his shock (though it shouldve been pretty obvious from the start honestly) that it had been marigoldpaw of all cats. "here i am" he opened, dark pelted form finally coming into view.
Marigoldpaw
She, Her\Apprentice\10 moons\Riverclan
"There will come a poet whose weapon is his word."
Purrks: Dreamwalker [ACTIVE] Chill of Death [ACTIVE]
- - -
Ah. So he hadn't woken up? Great, now she could talk to him. The apprentice flinched back as more thunder laughed overhead, her bones aching as though she'd been aged by the storm itself. She gave the Shadowclan warrior a good look, her hazle eyes glossy with rain and her own tears. Tears she refused to blink out unless completely necessary. But what would necessary be in this situation? Cut off all connections with Rookfire and just act like nothing happened? Marigoldpaw flattened her ears, a determined expression shifting her features. No. No way. Answers first, questions later.
"Follow me!" She howled. Even though he was right infront of her, the weather was starting to get worse, and Marigoldpaw feared that she would be shaken awake instead. As she hurried to the opening of a willow tree (a cat sized hole beneath the roots covered by lichen) she couldn't help but wonder why Rookfire was so calm about this. Wouldn't he be confused too? Maybe even angry? No, not about the dream, but about her being here. Goldfish's apprentice. Her. He seemed to hate Goldfish and everything she stood for in his life, so why didn't Rookfire also grow to hate her as well? He had loved both of them at some point in time, but it seemed his affection towards her hadn't crashed and burned. Marigoldpaw wanted to smile and laugh, because it felt good, it felt like a good thing. But the humidity had her throat and the lightning chocked out her words along with the possibility of everything Goldfish said was true. She couldn't get her hopes up when everything could easily be set ablaze
She easily slinked her thin and wet body through the hole, her fur fluffing this way and that as she pushed through. Once she got inside, the tree was hollowed out yet still growing leaves by some miracle. The celling was high above her head and the smell of the room mimicked that of a medicine den. No rain could possibly drown out their voices nor reach them here.
As the apprentice stood, she realized something. The herbs, once gently and gingerly sorted, were now torn to shreds, as if somecat got really angry and decided to take it out on the plants instead. Sorrow crossed over her hazle eyes and she stiffened at the sight. She hoped that when she came back that she'd be in a better mental space as well. Maybe then the herbs would come back and she'd be able to sort them as she always did.
She then looked back to Rookfire, sadness pooling in her hazle eyes. "Hello uh old friend. Short time erm no see? Ha?" Marigoldpaw tried at an easygoing atmosphere but it obviously wasn't working. She then let out a sigh, her teeth clenching in nervousness."Stars above, I was so unbelievably happy to... To see you. At the uh gathering. But what happened is enough to make me wish for my time in Starclan.." Marigoldpaw fiddled and toyed with her paws as she spoke. "Please Rookfire, I just want answers. I really really wanna stay friends, you're my best friend." While it was a simple social title in most cats eyes, she viewed friendship as a privilege, an honor, a fate that only Starclan could make and break down.
She then straightened up as she attempted to put on a brave face, but it cracked under the pressure of the situation. "Rookfire. I want answers. Right now."
__________________
❝And the cats kill one by one!❞
- Hartebeest by Yalokre
rookfire wouldnt attempt to place the emotions passing over marigoldpaws face but by keeping his own limited to vague curiosity would probably be the best. honestly, there wasnt really much more anyway, he was curious what marigoldpaw had to say, and up until now, nothing had happened that wouldve made any other emotion appear relevant. the urgency that appeared to be radiating off her small body and carried in every world passing her lips was..odd? mostly because rookfire wasnt too bothered by the rain, only slightly annoyed by the thunder and general noise of it all, he followed willingly anyway. slipping into what appeared to be a den strongly inspired by one inhabited by a medicine cat. huh. the herbs looked horrible but his remaining white tipped ear twitched in interest all the same, eyeing his surroundings. he hadnt really taken marigoldpaw as one to navigate towards herbs and healing. but he also had not seen her in multible months. missed her apprentice ceremony.
nerves and perhaps fear, were obvious in marigoldpaws words and rookfire was once again reminded how bad he was at identifying and handling others emotions, not as much as his own, but the discomfort was there none the less. answers, she wanted answers, of course. if he would be able to give any answers that left the apprentice satisfied? he didnt know. "i never wanted to leave you mari, never." was that bad to say? to make her feel bad? it was the truth but, could the truth be wrong? wait now that he was thinking about it, he just skipped any and all introduction and jumped straight to possibly making her feel bad.
"answers right uhm. its,, its not whats wanted from me. i left and ended up as one of the elite of shadowclan, i'm not supposed to be choosing people over clans anymore and i cannot openly do so." rookfire began, scooting around the immediate question, he had no explanation for leaving right now. no explanation that she would like anyway. there was nothing to tell marigoldpaw that would make his selfish choice sound any less like one. "im sorry for what happened at the gathering and i know this doesnt excuse anything, but im still in a sensitive position, even though ive proven my loyalty to shadowclan and payed the price for it," the price he carried around visible to everyone every day, and one that still made his shoulder ache on cool nights, stiff and painful. "-to some people i will never be more than a cat in a position too large for their worth, never more than a riverclanner infiltrating shadowclans elite." half truth. he wasnt really that worried about what other cats saw in him. dawnstar and mistlewhisker accepted him, mossfreckle didnt hate him anymore, there was no one else to worry about any longer. "dont take that as a negative aspect of shadowclan. i simply have a appearance to uphold."
now, he couldnt quite continue avoiding what he knew marigoldpaw wanted to hear. well, he COULD, but he wouldnt because he respected her as a person, and as her friend, he would feel dirty for not offering the truth, or at the very least something to leave her satisfied and fearless. "i left..well,, i think you can feel it when fate is pulling you another way. nothing was going right, i was a shadow of what i have learned to be myself and i finally took the hint and left...i dont like to pretend i know what starclan is planning for each and everyone one of us based off little things, but i think i was never meant to stay. riverclan..it just didnt work."
rookfire wouldnt attempt to place the emotions passing over marigoldpaws face but by keeping his own limited to vague curiosity would probably be the best. honestly, there wasnt really much more anyway, he was curious what marigoldpaw had to say, and up until now, nothing had happened that wouldve made any other emotion appear relevant. the urgency that appeared to be radiating off her small body and carried in every world passing her lips was..odd? mostly because rookfire wasnt too bothered by the rain, only slightly annoyed by the thunder and general noise of it all, he followed willingly anyway. slipping into what appeared to be a den strongly inspired by one inhabited by a medicine cat. huh. the herbs looked horrible but his remaining white tipped ear twitched in interest all the same, eyeing his surroundings. he hadnt really taken marigoldpaw as one to navigate towards herbs and healing. but he also had not seen her in multible months. missed her apprentice ceremony.
nerves and perhaps fear, were obvious in marigoldpaws words and rookfire was once again reminded how bad he was at identifying and handling others emotions, not as much as his own, but the discomfort was there none the less. answers, she wanted answers, of course. if he would be able to give any answers that left the apprentice satisfied? he didnt know. "i never wanted to leave you mari, never." was that bad to say? to make her feel bad? it was the truth but, could the truth be wrong? wait now that he was thinking about it, he just skipped any and all introduction and jumped straight to possibly making her feel bad.
"answers right uhm. its,, its not whats wanted from me. i left and ended up as one of the elite of shadowclan, i'm not supposed to be choosing people over clans anymore and i cannot openly do so." rookfire began, scooting around the immediate question, he had no explanation for leaving right now. no explanation that she would like anyway. there was nothing to tell marigoldpaw that would make his selfish choice sound any less like one. "im sorry for what happened at the gathering and i know this doesnt excuse anything, but im still in a sensitive position, even though ive proven my loyalty to shadowclan and payed the price for it," the price he carried around visible to everyone every day, and one that still made his shoulder ache on cool nights, stiff and painful. "-to some people i will never be more than a cat in a position too large for their worth, never more than a riverclanner infiltrating shadowclans elite." half truth. he wasnt really that worried about what other cats saw in him. dawnstar and mistlewhisker accepted him, mossfreckle didnt hate him anymore, there was no one else to worry about any longer. "dont take that as a negative aspect of shadowclan. i simply have a appearance to uphold."
now, he couldnt quite continue avoiding what he knew marigoldpaw wanted to hear. well, he COULD, but he wouldnt because he respected her as a person, and as her friend, he would feel dirty for not offering the truth, or at the very least something to leave her satisfied and fearless. "i left..well,, i think you can feel it when fate is pulling you another way. nothing was going right, i was a shadow of what i have learned to be myself and i finally took the hint and left...i dont like to pretend i know what starclan is planning for each and everyone one of us based off little things, but i think i was never meant to stay. riverclan..it just didnt work."
Marigoldpaw
She, Her\Apprentice\10 moons\Riverclan
"There will come a poet whose weapon is his word."
Purrks: Dreamwalker [ACTIVE] Chill of Death [ACTIVE]
- - -
Marigoldpaw blinked once. Then twice. Wait... Why was she counting? The apprentice wrinkled her nose slightly, her throat growing prickly as though she'd just swallowed a cactus. "Rookfire, I uh, I appreciate your sentiment, but..." She trailed off. She hadn't particularly been confused about Rookfire's place in Shadowclan, nor why he went. It was explained moons before in a dream that felt so vivid yet oh so far away. Rookfire didn't feel like a Riverclan cat, perhaps he never had. While it would be admittedly easier if he just stayed in his original clan, Marigoldpaw didn't wish to chain anycat down even if it saved her from heartbreak.
The storm raged on outside, their own enclosure, wind whirling and spinning with the same shrill sounds that rivaled a flute. She pinned back her curled ears and took a breath. Did she really want to know? Yes, her thoughts answered for her. Yes, you do.
"I respect your er place in Shadowclan, if you're happy then I'm uh. Then I'm happy." She said, hoping her voice was more sincere then nervous. "You've found your cats, your uh fate. And I couldn't be more glad. But..." She shook her head, her hazle eyes squinting in worry.
She had just felt so warm and full moments before, glad to see that she still had some sort of friend status when it came to Rookfire seeing as he didn't hesitate to call her the affectionate nickname that he may of gathered from Goldfish. But that made the whole thing slightly eerie even if she felt amazing in the moment. Yet, she had to focus on the task at paw.
"You... You kinda uhm missed the point. It's not you're fault! I uh should've been more specific! But I had questions relating what uh... What Goldfish told me." What had happened at the gathering was very exciting. Well, at first, she was ecstatic and very much looking forward to seeing Rookfire and catching up, but after an explosive argument, one in which she got sand flung into her eyes, Marigoldpaw had been the most confused she'd ever been.
"Do not sugarcoat anything, Rookfire, I can handle it. I uh... I think. Stars above, I hope. Uh, strap in, this is gonna be a very long and scrambled list..." With that she took a breath and repeated what she could recall from her mentors words. "Did you kill an apprentice? Did you like it? Would you have killed me if I was older at the time?" That was a question she'd been wondering for awhile and it choked her to say it aloud.
"Was your fallout with Goldfish really so explosive? Are you selfish? Goldfish claims you were her child once, is that true? Why are you supposedly 'sucking up to the flower boy'? That one isn't really important, I'm just urm genuinely curious, but you don't have to answer. You told me you ran away because of Mistyshard, could you urm, elaborate? Yes I'm aware you told me before, but I want all of it. The good, the bad. I promise I won't crumble into dust." A small smile came with that, a twinge of humor, but her grin didn't reach her eyes.
__________________
❝And the cats kill one by one!❞
- Hartebeest by Yalokre
Marigoldpaw
She, Her\Apprentice\10 moons\Riverclan
"There will come a poet whose weapon is his word."
Purrks: Dreamwalker [ACTIVE] Chill of Death [ACTIVE]
- - -
Marigoldpaw blinked once. Then twice. Wait... Why was she counting? The apprentice wrinkled her nose slightly, her throat growing prickly as though she'd just swallowed a cactus. "Rookfire, I uh, I appreciate your sentiment, but..." She trailed off. She hadn't particularly been confused about Rookfire's place in Shadowclan, nor why he went. It was explained moons before in a dream that felt so vivid yet oh so far away. Rookfire didn't feel like a Riverclan cat, perhaps he never had. While it would be admittedly easier if he just stayed in his original clan, Marigoldpaw didn't wish to chain anycat down even if it saved her from heartbreak.
The storm raged on outside, their own enclosure, wind whirling and spinning with the same shrill sounds that rivaled a flute. She pinned back her curled ears and took a breath. Did she really want to know? Yes, her thoughts answered for her. Yes, you do.
"I respect your er place in Shadowclan, if you're happy then I'm uh. Then I'm happy." She said, hoping her voice was more sincere then nervous. "You've found your cats, your uh fate. And I couldn't be more glad. But..." She shook her head, her hazle eyes squinting in worry.
She had just felt so warm and full moments before, glad to see that she still had some sort of friend status when it came to Rookfire seeing as he didn't hesitate to call her the affectionate nickname that he may of gathered from Goldfish. But that made the whole thing slightly eerie even if she felt amazing in the moment. Yet, she had to focus on the task at paw.
"You... You kinda uhm missed the point. It's not you're fault! I uh should've been more specific! But I had questions relating what uh... What Goldfish told me." What had happened at the gathering was very exciting. Well, at first, she was ecstatic and very much looking forward to seeing Rookfire and catching up, but after an explosive argument, one in which she got sand flung into her eyes, Marigoldpaw had been the most confused she'd ever been.
"Do not sugarcoat anything, Rookfire, I can handle it. I uh... I think. Stars above, I hope. Uh, strap in, this is gonna be a very long and scrambled list..." With that she took a breath and repeated what she could recall from her mentors words. "Did you kill an apprentice? Did you like it? Would you have killed me if I was older at the time?" That was a question she'd been wondering for awhile and it choked her to say it aloud.
"Was your fallout with Goldfish really so explosive? Are you selfish? Goldfish claims you were her child once, is that true? Why are you supposedly 'sucking up to the flower boy'? That one isn't really important, I'm just urm genuinely curious, but you don't have to answer. You told me you ran away because of Mistyshard, could you urm, elaborate? Yes I'm aware you told me before, but I want all of it. The good, the bad. I promise I won't crumble into dust." A small smile came with that, a twinge of humor, but her grin didn't reach her eyes.
rookfire frowned, wasnt this exactly what she had wanted to know? his reasons as to why? she had said she wanted answers and he expected those questions to be regarding his 'why' now she was saying they werent the right answers? ah she got to the point, answers regarding things he hadnt heard goldfish say, that made more sense. oh wait these were things he had heard her say. he supressed the need to cringe at the first question, heart giving a painful twist at the full extend of the question. still, he let her finish before speaking up again. "i did." hollow, his voice sounded hollow admitting to the little golden apprentices death, none of the exilerrating adrenaline fueled joy and pride, undescribible emotions. simply hollow. ears had twitched in displeasure at the second part of the question, mind already reeling to find an excuse 'fadingsun had tried to kill him and he was an apprentice'. instead of admitting to the rush he got from feeling slick blood coat his fur and fangs, he skipped to the final part of her query, wording it in a way that might slip past as denying him liking the feeling of ultimate power over another. "no. im not a monster, mari. no matter what goldfish tells you, i have a heart and i care" he was offended by this and rightfully so, emotions clear in the lilting tones of his words, it wasnt like he had turned into a entirely different person for stars sake!
more questions, of course yes, he had expected it, though he was a bit disappointed in himself for no expecting marigoldpaw to approach this with such care and attention. she was smart and he knew it, so why was he mildly surprised? "it really wasnt. goldfish was pregnant, i was hesitant. at the time we met i was still pacing riverclans border from the outskirts and i told her i couldnt go back, did my best to help her deliver the kits and well. ran... it wasnt that i didnt care or anything, i just couldnt go back to riverclan and-" he stocked, eyes darting around the small space, "i was afraid." unlike what his brain was telling him, he kept a steady volume instead of resorting to muttering or escaping this confession entirely and even let that ring out before continuing, "im,, hrm,". a pause, silver eyes briefly fluttered shut in thought, "i can see how from goldfishs perspective what i did was selfish, but what she calls selfish was simply my path in life i suppose." stars all of this was stuff he wouldve liked to chew on for far longer than he got the chance to, being mostly unprepared to face marigoldpaws questions tonight, yet, the urge to let her know the truth was enough to push him past the discomfort and protective hesitance he had built around himself.
'goldfish claims you were her child once' another pause for thought, letting words bounce around his mind before selecting his approach "i dont know. she never called me her son, or, stars above, daughter, but we were close. i appreciate what she did for me but..i cant really say i can see her as a mother and dont know if i couldve done so a few moons ago he shrugged, not having spent more than the bare minimum of thoughts on that. next up down rookfires very person list of hell-sent questions: mossfreckle!
"im 'sucking up to the flower boy' because i genuinely like him. plain as that another shrug, swallowing around the faint grind of his molars scraping along another and very much toeing the line between admitting things he did not want to admit and attempting to remain truthful. "hes pretty much been the only consistent person in my life through this all and hes a good guy. kind. 'has nothing to do with him being shadowclans medicine cat, that just happened to be his position.. dont be afraid to ask questions i have far more to justify than you do so its only fair"
a frown spread on his face once more, brows drawn together and the faintest hint of a headache sparking at the back of his mind. "i dont think i can elaborate much more than what i've already told you. its not because i think youre fragile and cant handle the truth, its simply that it was more emotions than rational thinking that made me run at first. i was disappointed and felt like all my work was for nothing, that mistyshard wasnt a good choice and i wouldve done better. it was kind of my breaking point." that was probably all he could offer now, or ever for that matter. now it was off his paws and entirely up to marigoldpaw whether she would accept him as he was or decide it wasnt worth the trouble. affectionate words practically burned at the tip of his tongue, urging him to speak them out loud, yet shushed aggressively by the rational part of his mind. he would feel guilty for expression affection when it was manipulative at best.
[ i hope this isnt super repetitive but im too tired to proof read and i didnt write all of this in one sitting so i dunno ]
rookfire frowned, wasnt this exactly what she had wanted to know? his reasons as to why? she had said she wanted answers and he expected those questions to be regarding his 'why' now she was saying they werent the right answers? ah she got to the point, answers regarding things he hadnt heard goldfish say, that made more sense. oh wait these were things he had heard her say. he supressed the need to cringe at the first question, heart giving a painful twist at the full extend of the question. still, he let her finish before speaking up again. "i did." hollow, his voice sounded hollow admitting to the little golden apprentices death, none of the exilerrating adrenaline fueled joy and pride, undescribible emotions. simply hollow. ears had twitched in displeasure at the second part of the question, mind already reeling to find an excuse 'fadingsun had tried to kill him and he was an apprentice'. instead of admitting to the rush he got from feeling slick blood coat his fur and fangs, he skipped to the final part of her query, wording it in a way that might slip past as denying him liking the feeling of ultimate power over another. "no. im not a monster, mari. no matter what goldfish tells you, i have a heart and i care" he was offended by this and rightfully so, emotions clear in the lilting tones of his words, it wasnt like he had turned into a entirely different person for stars sake!
more questions, of course yes, he had expected it, though he was a bit disappointed in himself for no expecting marigoldpaw to approach this with such care and attention. she was smart and he knew it, so why was he mildly surprised? "it really wasnt. goldfish was pregnant, i was hesitant. at the time we met i was still pacing riverclans border from the outskirts and i told her i couldnt go back, did my best to help her deliver the kits and well. ran... it wasnt that i didnt care or anything, i just couldnt go back to riverclan and-" he stocked, eyes darting around the small space, "i was afraid." unlike what his brain was telling him, he kept a steady volume instead of resorting to muttering or escaping this confession entirely and even let that ring out before continuing, "im,, hrm,". a pause, silver eyes briefly fluttered shut in thought, "i can see how from goldfishs perspective what i did was selfish, but what she calls selfish was simply my path in life i suppose." stars all of this was stuff he wouldve liked to chew on for far longer than he got the chance to, being mostly unprepared to face marigoldpaws questions tonight, yet, the urge to let her know the truth was enough to push him past the discomfort and protective hesitance he had built around himself.
'goldfish claims you were her child once' another pause for thought, letting words bounce around his mind before selecting his approach "i dont know. she never called me her son, or, stars above, daughter, but we were close. i appreciate what she did for me but..i cant really say i can see her as a mother and dont know if i couldve done so a few moons ago he shrugged, not having spent more than the bare minimum of thoughts on that. next up down rookfires very person list of hell-sent questions: mossfreckle!
"im 'sucking up to the flower boy' because i genuinely like him. plain as that another shrug, swallowing around the faint grind of his molars scraping along another and very much toeing the line between admitting things he did not want to admit and attempting to remain truthful. "hes pretty much been the only consistent person in my life through this all and hes a good guy. kind. 'has nothing to do with him being shadowclans medicine cat, that just happened to be his position.. dont be afraid to ask questions i have far more to justify than you do so its only fair"
a frown spread on his face once more, brows drawn together and the faintest hint of a headache sparking at the back of his mind. "i dont think i can elaborate much more than what i've already told you. its not because i think youre fragile and cant handle the truth, its simply that it was more emotions than rational thinking that made me run at first. i was disappointed and felt like all my work was for nothing, that mistyshard wasnt a good choice and i wouldve done better. it was kind of my breaking point." that was probably all he could offer now, or ever for that matter. now it was off his paws and entirely up to marigoldpaw whether she would accept him as he was or decide it wasnt worth the trouble. affectionate words practically burned at the tip of his tongue, urging him to speak them out loud, yet shushed aggressively by the rational part of his mind. he would feel guilty for expression affection when it was manipulative at best.
[ i hope this isnt super repetitive but im too tired to proof read and i didnt write all of this in one sitting so i dunno ]
Marigoldpaw
She, Her\Apprentice\10 moons\Riverclan
"There will come a poet whose weapon is his word."
Purrks: Dreamwalker [ACTIVE] Chill of Death [ACTIVE]
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Well. That was certainly... Eh, something. Marigoldpaw nodded in between sentences as he spoke, talking note of every shifting emotion on his face and storing the information deep within her troubled mind. With each answer some of the questions buzzing around in her head fizzled away, but she could tell by how he held himself that there were somethings he wasn't too keen to share. At least he opened up a little bit... Marigoldpaw thought, her hazle eyes flicking away from Rookfire momentarily.
When he addressed her first (and arguably more testy) question, the apprentice couldn't help but blink harshly as her fears were confirmed. Of course he did... Marigoldpaw wasn't sure how it exactly went down, and she was slightly disappointed by the fact but also infinitely relived. To see another's life get clawed for them was certainly not pleasant. The look in their glassy eyes gone as life drained from them. It was enough to make Marigoldpaw to wish to be stuck in her apprentice training. Maybe then her claws would never know the color of scarlet.
I'm not a monster, Marigoldpaw clenched her jaw in response, suddenly feeling guilty. "I know you aren't. You're just uh weirdly messy, like we all are." She knew even Goldfish had blood on her paws, Dusklion, all high ranks actually, and countless warriors, but how many could say they killed an apprentice? "How young urm were they?" The apprentice asked, her hazle eyes fogging over with her own questions.
Rookfire then began to explain when and where in his and Goldfish's relationship where the thread had began to strain. Right, Goldfish was pregnant at the time, Rookfire was an oddly associated outsider. Yeah... All of that she could remember well. He was afraid. Afraid of Riverclan. Afraid of coming back. "Why?" Marigoldpaw piped up, her tone still wobbly and wavering, but their was a sharpness to her tone that was vague but hard to miss. "You were afraid, why? Of judgement? Prosecution? Uhm, Rookfire, were you afraid of going back to a place full of skeletons that you had yet to uh dust from your mind? You ran, yeah, but maybe you never really belonged? Or maybe you felt as though you didn't."
Marigoldpaw paused for a moment before speaking again. "You're right, you're not selfish, you just uh. You uh... You weren't happy. You obviously uh felt as though your work wasn't valuable, right? I don't really know if I'm getting this all right, gah! Sorry. But, if you truly felt secure and loved in a clan, why would you leave? Well, I know why, but Mistyshard was your breaking point. You felt as though you had something taken from you... But it was never uh guaranteed. So yes, Rookfire. You were selfish." The apprentice finally looped around to her conclusion, her eyes locking onto his.
"Of course, there are layers in emotion and action..." She rambled on, her tail twitching behind her. "We're all selfish in someway I guess, but you leaving was probably for the best before you did something catastrophic. Also, you somewhat dodged my uh. My first few questions." She only picked up on the detail mid conversation, and when she did her eyes widened in a lick of surprise. She wasn't about to push her suspicions back onto him, she couldn't force the truth out of his toothy maw.
It seemed that Goldfish thought of their relationship as one like a family, but Rookfire didn't. Marigoldpaw merely blinked in response. She had no counter arguments, nor questions, she was just so scared that something possibly sweet could've turned so bitter.
Marigoldpaw was still quite unsure of the Shadowclan medicine cat's name, and it seemed as though Rookfire wasn't sharing this information regardless. That's fine, she didn't need names, she at least maybe knew what he looked like. Rookfire claimed that his liking towards him had nothing to do with his position. Marigoldpaw flicked her curled ear. Hm. Well, she might as well take his word for it.
Last question. Rookfire words rang in his head long after he stopped talking, and Marigoldpaw simply stared for a moment. So, she was mostly right? Rookfire felt he was undervalued by not getting the position he wanted and ran away in pure emotional fog. Marigoldpaw wasn't really one to judge... She was often overwhelmed herself, crying, sobbing, maybe occasionally screaming... But something wasn't right about the whole thing. Maybe Rookfire needed a fresh start, she could respect that, but Riverclan was his home for moons, how could something like that make it all worth running away?
Her eyes narrowed in thought before she let out a sigh. Maybe if Rookfire was chosen then they would've had a medic who didn't disappear shortly after being promoted. But she wasn't about to say that. It wasn't her news to tell.
"Well uh. Hm. Rookfire," she began, pressing her paw tentatively to the soft ground below. "I've gotten my answers I uh guess, and I've come to the uh... The conclusion that you're simply... Grey. Not entirely good, nor completely bad. But I uh cannot stick with you. Not only would Speckles have a heart attack, but I know one day we might see each other again in a place where there is no truce. I... Hm. I can't really stand the thought of that."
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❝And the cats kill one by one!❞
- Hartebeest by Yalokre
oh stars above, why had he ever expected marigoldpaw to let off the dead apprentice without having him metaphorically spill his guts and bleed out by her paws. white tipped ear twitched in displeasure at his own response to the previous asked question, it was manipulative at best to word it like that. even worse, now he'd have to lie, reply with a half truth or the actual truth and risk mari distancing herself. if this wasnt a perfect example of actions having consequences then i dont know what. "i dont know. younger than me, its a blurr, i never really saw em" he ultimately answered after a moment of silence, silver eyes darting to the herbs again instead of simply avoiding marigoldpaws gaze by staring at her ears. slowly but surely getting a bit upset, patience dwindling with every recurring jab at his interwoven web of lies as fragile as a house of cards.
"mari- marigoldpaw, sometimes things dont have an answer. but yeah i dont think ive ever belonged, youre right." sharp needle like pain pulsing dull behind his eyes, the enforcer supressed the need to rub his eyes, tired and upset about how badly this was going. he could handle a rejection, he could handle a attack at his self by shoving down the other persons opinion and devaluing them, he couldnt sit on his past actions and emotions and have them be questioned, dissected little by little. hell, call him a whiny child but this wasnt going as planned and he didnt like it, control slipping through large paws like the rushing river water, ever changing and infinitely different each time one tried to capture it.
tail jerking in a short, irritated motion by now he huffed. "yeah, maybe i was selfish but it doesnt matter now! i was saving myself, alright?!" he snapped, voice briefly raising above normal talking level before pausing to take a shaky inhale - exhale, some of the tension melting off his body. "i ran myself into the ground for riverclan and got nothing in return, i dont care what you think, it cant be changed anymore and i dont want to change it. for all i know fadingstar, dusklion hell! even goldfish, want me dead"
teeth quietly grinding against another, rookfire stared at her, utterly still apart from his shallow breathing, cool eyes focussed on her as if searching for something. what did he have to lose? seriously, after what goldfish had told marigoldpaw about him, he'd be surprised if the apprentice was still 'neutral'. "alright. alright yeah. you want honesty? yes i liked it. i liked it and i would do it again. the enforcer admitted, holding her gaze. "is that what ya wanted to hear? i think goldfish forgets her oh so great failure of a leader tried to kill me as well. ear twitching in irritation, rooks lilting voice continued on in a neutral tone, only raising with a flick of emotion at the ends of particularly relevant words. "he didn' fight anyone before, jus' stood n watched, you know that right? fadin'failure was standin' by, watchin' his 'clanmates' be killed n then tried ta' kill me, very much an apprentice at the time. he broke my shoulder n ripped me ear off, did goldfish tell you about that? because she sure as hell saw." the enforcer rambled on, back fur bristling slightly at the plain misrepresentation he felt had been bestowed upon him. "he would'a killed me if he got the chance. no warrior has a clean record, no one can pretend there arent bodies behind the position theyve earned, not goldfish, not any leader or deputy, n not me" the urge to half brag about the fact that fadingstar hadnt killed him because rookfire even as a apprentice, had been able to put up enough of a fight that he considered the fight a win for him.
not entirely good not entirely bad hell he knew that. he had never pretended to be love and peace impersonated, but perhaps that was what goldbutt was telling her he should be. oh oh or maybe he was devil incarnate to that fool. he wouldnt even be surprised. almost too caught up in getting annoyed about goldfish internally he almost missed marigoldpaws next words 'But I uh cannot stick with you.' and he stilled. eyes once again focussed on her whilst thoughts drained from his mind, leaving him dull and empty. chest contracting painfully for the briefest of moments, rookfire shoved the emotions he couldnt place, but very much were hurt and betrayal, down, expression going blank again.
"so be it." rookfire finally spoke, not at all putting up a fight or trying to argue, she had heard enough and he would respect her choice, lashing his tail once more before disappearing into nothingness, a thick swirl of fog all that was left behind. it was a good feeling, knowing he could still hold this amount of power over his own mind and body. yet, even the chocked gasp for air and darting to his paws upon waking, almost falling over mossfreckle in the process, wasnt enough to take his mind off her words though. this was it. really it. there was nothing left binding him to riverclan and oddly enough, that very thought send a surge of rage through his body. the need to claw and slice, to bite and tear, to put every thought and every feeling into violence and write the names of those who wronged him in their own blood.
his breathing and heartbeat seemingly echoed in the den, too loud, moonlight shining in through the entrance, the pale spotlight it put on mossfreckles silky pelt, the warmed up hard-packed ground rapidly cooling off beneath his paws, the faint bite of cool air. nothing, nothing could make it feel more like a dream and less than reality, he wasnt running anymore, stars he had run from his problems enough to last a lifetime, this was real, and he would make it count.
"it never rains in southern california" [p]
