broken bonds, fraying ties, tangled hearts ... beating wings. [p]

[Rose]

{ this is optional, feel free to ignore this notif if you're not feeling up to it, lol }
[ @Dark - Darkfall / @vellichor - Larkkit / @iliri - Sootpaw / @Estelle - Sleepypaw / @stag - Heronpaw / @taillow - Mirepaw / @Mica - Birdpaw / @Eden - Wispypaw / @Morrigan - Quietpaw / @Poprock - Moonpaw / @SuspiciousMindz - Rainpaw / @panchiko - Rainykit / @furrensic - Quillpaw / @Neptune. - Cinderpaw / @Rani - Bleedingkit ]

---

In the Name of Love
Martin Garrix & Bebe Rexha
───⚪────────────────
⇆　　 ◁　　❚❚　　▷　　↻

Lostspark

She/Her | Purrks Overlook

This family was broken. Cursed, and more than in just the literal sense. It was time to establish some sense of order. Communication, on every part, was well overdue. And Lostspark was no longer going to sit around. She had mulled over that last meeting, about the number of misunderstandings and contempt that laced this family's roots. She would confront her family, one last time. If they wanted to ignore it and continue living the way they had, then Lostspark would not push anymore.

If I told you this was only gonna hurt,
If I warned you that the fire's gonna burn.
Would you walk in?

She had offered so many olive branches, and today would be the last. Lostspark was in her den nearly every moment of the day - it was not as if she was completely unreachable. If her family wished for a relationship, they would tell her, to her face. Vise-versa if they wished for the opposite.

Would you let me do it first?
Do it all in the name of love.

So after having called every one of her family members into her den (and after Mossfreckle had been sent on an impromtu patrol), Lostspark waited in silence for all of them to settle down.

Would you let me lead you even when you're blind?
In the darkness, in the middle of the night.

Once however many had gathered and Lostspark realized no more were coming, she exhaled softly and straightened her posture. "There is more than one reason I've called all of you here today."

In the silence, when there's no one by your side,
Would you call in the name of love?

Amber gaze drifting to the bengal kitten in their midst, the Medicine Cat walked over to stand over him. "This is Bleedingkit, your brother - my son." Her gaze flitted to Darkfall, wondering if he'd say anything about the kit. So far Lostspark had seen zero interest from his side to co-parent Dawnstar's gift to them, so she had no reason to push the matter. Growing up with only a mother was not so bad.

In the name of love, name of love.

"The second reason you've been called here is one you may have noticed. Smokekit was not at your apprentice ceremony, he did not receive his name with the rest of you." A tremor rippled through Lostspark, heart seizing with quiet pain a moment before she pushed it away and continued. These words would hurt the most, but she could not keep them to herself. Her family - Smokekit's family - deserved to know what had happened to him. "Smokekit came into my den while both I and Mossfreckle were out of camp on border patrols. The lot of you are old enough to understand what happened. He ate herbs that were not meant for him and... and..." Her voice puttered out, ears ringing as she recollected the moment she'd walked in on Smokekit's limp body. When Lostspark finally found her voice, it was barely a croak. "He was gone by the time I got back. Dead. And someone had bitten his dead body." She would not coddle them. Would not leave out the details, because if she did, they would turn it on her and blame her later for intentionally withholding information.

Her family had scarred her enough that Lostspark could no longer rely on them, could no longer blindly trust them, pun not intended. This was the height of the scars she bore, another layer on the cake of emotional, mental scars marring her life. That she could not even lean a shoulder against her own flesh and blood.

In the name of love, name of love.

Eyes falling shut, Lostspark sucked in a breath, and then exhaled shakily. This last part. It would be the hardest. On both herself and her family. "I know some of you may blame me. Whether you blame me for not being there, or for not paying enough attention, or for giving more time to my job than to you, I want to make it clear first and foremost that I love you. I love all of you more than the number of stars in sky, and I'm sorry if I have not been clear enough on this fact. But regardless, the predicament we find ourselves in? This family, being torn apart from the inside? It is not entirely my fault. Maybe I could have done better, had one of you thought enough to tell me that you wished to see me more, to hear from me more, to know me better, to build our relationships, our trust, our familial bonds."

If I told you we could bathe in all the lights,
Would you rise up, come and meet me in the sky?

Lostspark sat, refusing the urge to start pacing. "Each and every one of us play a part in this family. We alone number fourteen cats. Amends need to be made, threads need to be twined. But first, because I want all of you to get off of your chests what you're feeling, I will go first. And I will start from the beginning, because I will not allow myself to carry this burden alone. This blame alone."

Would you trust me when you're jumping from the heights?
Would you fall in the name of love?

The Medicine Cat pivoted, turning her foggy, fiery gaze on Darkfall. “Where were you when I was struggling on my own after Elmshadow died without warning, leaving the care of so many cats in my inexperienced paws? When treating each patient contained the lingering fear that I’d cause the death of a Clanmate on accident? Where were you when I was blinded and could barely identify the earth from the sky? Where were you, Darkfall, when I had been publicly shamed by my great-grandfather, given this horrid new name, and forced to live with it? Every day, every single DAMN day has been a reminder of my failure. I’ve had to listen to my own Clanmates gossip about me and my mistakes while they think I’m not listening. I’ve had to listen to that day and night, constantly, along with the burdens already set on my shoulders, all on my own. And if you wish for my truth, Darkfall, I’ve been grappling on slippery rocks all these moons for a better grip. Which I found, in the end, on my own.”

When there's madness, when there's poison in your head,
When the sadness leaves you broken in your bed.

Her chest heaved with a shaky breath. Lostspark hadn't even realized that her voice had lifted an octave. “And what have you been doing? You’ve been pretending the cat who is Lostspark does not exist – you have been chasing after Larkfire, even after her death.”

“You, or anyone, cannot blame me for the actions of our kits. I have a duty, a Clan to look after, do you realize that? I understand if the kits cannot understand that I can rarely catch a single break nowadays to give them the attention they deserve, but I do not understand how you can sit by and continue to let them believe that. I love our kits, I would die for each and every one of them. Do you hear me, Heronpaw?” The Medicine Cat whirled to face the eldest of her second litter.

I will hold you in the depths of your despair,
And it's all in the name of love.

In the name of love, name of love.

“I would die in a heartbeat for you, for your siblings, if it meant they would be given a second chance by it. You can undermine me at every turn, you can tell the world that I hate you, that I shun you, but it will never be true. I am telling you now, as your mother, that if there had been a way for me to take on your ear infection and your temporary blindness, I would have agreed to it in a heartbeat, because I love you and care for your state of health, despite your beliefs. For Smokekit’s eye while he lived and his life while in death, for Birdpaw’s cough, for Wispypaw’s blindness, for Rainpaw’s easily exhaustable stature, for Magpiekit’s leg, for Cinderpaw’s leg, for Gloomkit’s nearly failed entrance into life – listen to me now and listen to me well, Heronpaw; I would remain blind forever if it meant my kits would be given back what they’ve lost. But no, it is not fixable now, so the second best thing to do is live and work around it.”

“I’m not a monster. Not unless you make me one.”

I wanna testify,
Scream in the holy light.

“And you know what else I think, Darkfall? I think our children have grown lax, have become ungrateful. They have a mother who loves them, they have a father who wants them, they have siblings upon siblings to keep them company every step of the way.” The slender, heavily scarred feline shook her head. “Not all of us grew up with that luxury.” She had not. She had grown up being scorned by her mother, she had grown up having been thrown away by her father, she had grown up betrayed by the brother she’d loved the most. “So it’s about damn time they act like the apprentices they’ve become.”

“The lot of you have an entire Clan to rely on, a Clan to live with.” Lostspark lashed her tail. “Do you know what I had when I was your age, when I was a kit? I had a mother who despised my existence. I had a father who threw me out after promising me that he’d never do so. I had a brother I looked up to, but who ignored my plights and got rid of me the first moment he could. And at four moons old, I had absolutely nothing. I literally fell away from all I’d known and nearly drowned. The measly family I had known was gone, just like that. I was all alone, a trespassing outsider in ShadowClan’s territory. I was a loner, having to meet Dawnstar all by my lonesome, joining ShadowClan with no one to support me.”

You bring me back to life,
And it's all in the name of love.

In the name of love, name of love.

“So now I will give every one of you a choice. You may remain my children, may grow into this legacy. Or, I can find you a more suitable mother, one no doubt better than I at caring for you, if that pleases you more.” Lostspark's heart wrenched with pain, tears burning the corners of her eyes. But she refused to cry, refused to give in. “If you wish to dispose of me, tell me now. It is your decision and yours alone.”

[Rani]

Bleedingkit
Shadowclan Kit | He/Him | 2 Moons | Just a Scratch

A certain pretty little bengal had been the first warned of the impeding talk, though it was wasted on his lack of comprehension or understanding of what was going to occur. No, from where a little wobble had knocked him down into a sploot Bleedingkit was oblivious to his Mamas roiling emotions, and had only watched the cats filing in with ever wide and innocent eyes.


The first part he got, Bleedingkit perking up at the mention of his name and quickly putting together that these were his new siblings and the tiny baby kitty quickly lifted a paw to eagerly wave at the group with a chirped "Hi!" trying to meet every cats gaze. Some were undoubtedly unkind, and he'd flinch from that but smile despite it, used to hatred from his family before this one and determined to not let it stop him.
They could probably figure out quickly where he came from, Dawnstar had announced he'd joined as an outsider and though the kittypet scent had faded from him there was a recent time where it was his identifying mark.

Well, that along with his wobbling and rare markings that right now stood out so clearly among the darker colored kin.


The kitten had no time to say more however, quietening when Lostspark started saying more. None of which he understood.
It was a lotta big words and complex thoughts that a little kitten didnt understand but the emotion in his Mamas words spiked his pelt nevertheless. A Smokekit was dead and this Darkfall was a bad cat for some reason but there was one concept the bengal understood.

Lostsparks young life, from what he gleaned from her words, felt achingly familiar.
Even if he didnt understand what was going on, he understood that.


So even mind bogglingly confused the tom wished to help, to stop his Mama from smelling so sad and hurt, and so wiggled over, gently and silently placing his head on her paw.
It was all he knew to do to help.


@Rose

[Dark]

Darkfall

Shadow Fiend: Inactive | Beefed Up (T3) | Ultimate Predator: Inactive | Hulk SMASH! [Inactive]
___________

CW: Mentions of extreme depression, self-doubt, self-depreciation, yelling and uh… I’m not sure. Read with caution and prep your tissues – this one is heavy.

It was an odd thing. The entire family being called by his former mate, that is. It was something that hadn’t happened since shortly after the kits’ birth. It was an odd, foreign feeling to see the multitude of them that were gathered. Of course, many additions were not currently present which something that made him feel a twinge of pain in his heart, but he stifled it down. Now was not the time to be showing weakness.

It didn’t take long for Larkfire to address them all. Apparently, this yellow fluffball was her son. His eyes narrowed slightly and he opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself. If she was so insistent on claiming the tom as her own, who was he to argue? She had made it very clear that she no longer wanted to be with him, and not mentioning anything about the fact that she was in charge of the young kit was further proof of that. She did not need him. Of course, if she would’ve brought it up that she wanted to raise the kit with him alongside their shared offspring, then he would in a heartbeat. However, she hadn’t seemed interested in the idea, Though it did make sense why he had noticed Bleedingkit was it? (What kind of name was that?) Around her so often.

The next topic was a heavy one. It was about the death of Smokekit. Of course, he had been aware that his son was dead, however, he hadn’t known of the cause of death before then – she hadn’t told him yet, and he wasn’t going to ask her if she wasn’t ready to share. As she explained, he realized with horror that it was all his fault. He was the one who called Larkfire and Mossfreckle out of the camp for patrols, thinking he was doing something good. Look where that left them. Their son died because of him. Because of his negligence. Because of his own short-sightedness. Where was the rest of the clan when the young tom had made his way into the den? Where were the guards that should have stopped him? Why did no one stop the one who… who took a bite out of him…? There were so many questions he wanted answered, but he didn’t ask them. Instead, he took a shaky breath and dry swallowed his feelings down. ”I’m sorry.” The massive tom whispered to no one in particular. It was an apology to Smokekit, an apology to Larkfire, and an apology to the rest of the kits. He failed them. He had failed Smokekit three times now. He hadn’t been fast enough to prevent him from hurting his eye, he had been the reason why he had gotten into the herb store uninhibited, and he hadn’t been a present enough father to the amber-eyed tom. Another way he was a failure.

Heart hurting, he listened to Larkfire tell their kids it was okay to blame her. But it wasn’t. It was his fault, and his fault alone. He should have known better, should have remained in the camp, and personally guarded the den. He had caused this. He opened his mouth to say as much, but then Larkfire turned towards him with a fierce expression on her face which caused him to promptly shut it without so much as a word.

She was… blaming him…? Blaming him for not being there during her time of need, saying that he hadn’t given her the support that she wanted or needed, saying that he hadn’t been present enough when things were rough, saying that she pulled herself out of it all on her own, and lastly, saying that he was allowing and even possibly fostering ideas into their kits minds that she was against them.

And it left him speechless.

To her it seemed as though he had been largely absent, clinging onto a past idea of her instead of being a supportive figure that he should be. And it simply wasn’t true. Granted, the past few moons he had been largely MIA, but that was because of the inner turmoil he was grappling with alongside his duties. It was because he kept getting himself into situations that led to lasting problems for not just him, but for the cats around him as well.

It hurt.

It hurt so damn bad to hear those words come out of her mouth, but what could he do? She quickly turned her attention onto Heronpaw – scolding the eldest of their shared daughters for believing her to be some kind of monster. Of course, he was aware that Heronpaw felt that way, and he had tried to tell her that those worries were unfounded, however, there was little he could do when she just refused to listen to him or refused to even speak to him. What was he to do when their daughter saw him too as some sort of evil being who could do no right? What was he to do when she looked at him with hardly deserved malice in her eyes? He was trying, and honestly, that was the best he could offer right now.

The heavily scarred healer then turned her attention back to him. She told him how she believed her kits had grown lax and spoiled, and he felt the same way in a sense. It was something that he wanted to work on within the coming moons, however, it hadn’t yet been addressed. It was harsh. Her words. They all seemed fueled by a raging fire that had been building up for who knows how long. They stung, biting into him each time she lashed her tongue in his direction and he couldn’t help but flinch slightly at what she said.

And then it was done. She ended with giving the kits an ultimatum, the option to either continue seeing her as a mother or to find someone else. And he hated it. He hated how she said that. He hated how she had even given them such a horrid option. He hated that she was taking her stress and anger out on both him and the kits in what felt like a mostly unjustified manner.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep shaky breath as he attempted to steady himself. This wasn’t something that he could just run away from, he was going to have to face it head-on. And head on he did.

Opening his eyes, words spilled out as he was filled with a burning white fury.

”Where was I?” he asked, struggling to contain himself ”You dare ask where was I?” He repeated, voice raising. ”I don’t know if you remember this, as it seems like you didn’t care, but I was with you every step of the way. When Elmshadow died, I was there to support you when you’d allow me in – oh wait, I also hit my head. Bet you forgot about that, huh? I was in the territory trying to do something for you and I hit my head, forgetting EVERYTHING. So excuse me for not being all the way there.” He spat, raising to his full height. ”For a moon, Larkfire, I could hardly even remember who I was. I could barely remember you or the clan dammit. But that didn’t matter, did it? It didn’t matter that I came back to the camp, head bloodied and dazed with an owl feather in my jaws that I got hurt getting for you. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t even remember my name or responsibilities. It didn’t matter that when I did finally get my memories back, it was because my pregnant mate came back to camp carrying the corpse of our clanmate covered in blood, and blind.” He snarled ”Or maybe you’d have preferred it if I stayed out there that day and never came back. Would that have made you happy? If my cold lifeless body was out in stars-knows-what-part-of-the-territory only to be found later, bleeding out of my head? Perhaps I shouldn't have even bothered trying to help guide you along even if I knew you hated it. Would you have rathered me let you suffer in silence with no support?” He didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean to take things so far but he was already on a roll and he was going to finish speaking.

”You claim that I’ve been holding onto a past version of yourself when that’s not the case. I know you’ve changed, but have you ever stopped and asked yourself why I won’t call you Lostspark? Do you even want to know why? It’s because I hate it. I hate how readily you accepted that name. I hate that that wretched cat even had the gall to change it, and I hate what it means. You are the strongest cat I’ve ever known, and you’ve let yourself fall so low that you’re allowing some random ass cat you’re not even related to tell you who you are? That’s a load of fox dung and you know it.” He growled with a sharp edge to his tone. He meant this at least, something that he had been holding onto for a long time and it was now finally spilling out.

”And you’re talking about all of this stuff I wasn’t there for, or that I didn’t do, but what about the things that I did? Huh? The time I carried you, Sleepykit, and Daykit to Elmshadow, bleeding and barely hanging on to life, worried that I wouldn’t make it. Do you understand how scared I was Larkfire? Thinking the she-cat that I loved was going to die on my back because she had some other tom’s kits before I could even tell her my feelings for her? Or did that not matter? Or how about when I asked you to be my mate in that flower field during the full moon? Did that mean nothing to you? Do you remember what I promised you that night? I promised that I would never leave you again, and what did you do? You pushed me away after we had our kits. You chose to leave me. You chose that you didn’t want me anymore. Stars damn it, Lark, you know that I was trying my damned hardest to make things work, what else do you want from me? I’m not perfect. I shut everyone out when things get hard, but you’ve lost your damn mind if you don’t think I wasn’t making an effort where I could!” He was seething now, unable to hold back that anger that had taken hold of him. ”You did it by yourself because you didn’t want help. You pushed me away and told me that I would be of no use so don’t give me that crap about ‘you didn’t help’. You didn’t let me. I would’ve been there every step of the way and you know that.”

During all of this, he was vaguely aware that his cheeks were stained with a hot wetness. Tears had started falling at some point, but he didn’t know when, nor did he care at the moment. He was too hyperfocused on explaining himself in a misguided attempt at defending himself and his feelings.

“And just stop it. Stop acting like you’re the only one who went through stuff growing up. I watched my mother die having brothers and sisters who all died or went missing later on. I came out to take my sister hunting to see her dead at your paws, my mentor’s brutalized body thrown haphazardly into the camp by your adoptive mother. Yes, our kids are self-centered and selfish at times, but they need to learn. They still have time to learn and to be taught. And what have you been doing to help them with that? Nothing. You’ve been in that damn den, messing with plants and focusing your attention all on Mossfreckle. Don’t you dare sit here and blame me for their attitude towards you when I’ve been trying to assure them that you do love them, despite the busyness of your schedule.”

His breaths were coming in short gasps now, as he choked back the sob that threatened to strangle him. Stars above this was awful. What was he doing? Why was he talking to her like this? Why couldn’t he stop? He had to stop.

Darkfall stop.

He couldn't.

”It hurts Lark.” He sobbed, ”It still hurts.” He shook his head sadly as he spoke. ”I don’t think you understand waking up in the middle of the night shaking, sobbing, every night because I’m worried I won’t ever be good enough for you or the kits. Do you want to know why I’ve been avoiding you lately or why I have been spending most of my time out of camp? It’s because I feel like a failure, Lark. I feel like I won’t ever match up to your or the clan's expectations of me. I feel like I won’t ever get a good grip on being a father – Heron’s kits hate me for star’s sake. I feel like everything bad that happens to you or the kits is my fault.” He explained through gritted teeth. ”I get it, okay. I’m not a great Enforcer, I’m not a great warrior, I’m not a good mentor or role model, I’m not a great father, and I’m not a great lover. Alright. I know it, I won’t ever match up to him.” He said, casting a sidelong glance towards Sleepypaw. It was only the second time he had ever brought up her father to the she-cat he loved. ”I know you still love him, and despite that, I still was willing to treat Sleepypaw as one of my own. I was still hoping to build a proper family with you. I’m trying, okay? I brought food into the nursery for her while she slept because I knew if she knew it was from me she wouldn’t eat it. I watch our kits play when they’re in the clearing. Whenever possible, I tried to go into the nursery while they were resting just to make sure that they were still breathing, because I’m scared we might lose them too. Even in the time that we’ve been separated, I’ve been doing my best to be conscious of and keep up with what you’re doing or how you’re feeling, even if I won’t directly say anything.”

He had fizzled out considerably by this point. His voice was hoarse and he felt drained. It was never in his intentions to yell at her, especially not in front of the kids, but it was too late. The damage was done. ”I get it. Okay? I’ve been trying to do better, I just… It’s hard.” He felt weak. And he hated it. He felt pathetic for putting on such a display in front of those he was supposed to be in charge of, the ones he was supposed to be a role model in front of, and showing that he was an unbreakable mountain. He just… He couldn’t keep it up anymore. He wasn’t an unbreakable mountain, nor was he particularly strong. He was just Darkfall. A useless, pathetic, and weak tom who couldn’t do anything right.

He then turned to the rest of the ones present, a weak attempt at a smile playing at his lips. ’They deserve better, a father who can be there for them all the time. A father who could guide them and show them the way..’ he found himself thinking as his wet blue eyes scanned every one of them. They would hate him now, wouldn’t they? Think he was awful for yelling at their mother in such a way, right? That was fine. He could deal with it. Larkfire wanted to be closer to the kits so he was giving her an opportunity, even if it meant that his relationship with them may be irrevocably damaged.

”I’m sorry.”

[ @rose- LarkLost/ @vellichor - Larkkit / @iliri - Sootpaw / @Estelle - Sleepypaw / @stag - Heronpaw / @taillow - Mirepaw / @Mica - Birdpaw / @Eden - Wispypaw / @Morrigan - Quietpaw / @Poprock - Moonpaw / @SuspiciousMindz - Rainpaw / @panchiko - Rainykit / @furrensic - Quillpaw / @Neptune. - Cinderpaw / @Rani - Bleedingkit ]

[stag]

Why had she even come here? Her eyes stare at her mother blankly, no emotion backing them this time. It was cold now. The fire is gone. Heronpaw had to stop herself from physically shaking as her mother rambled and rambled about how terrible her children were, how Darkfall had failed her. It wasn’t like she could hear most of the failure of a mother’s whining.

The anger her father felt, the hate they had towards each other, a forest fire. Not even Heronpaw’s own hate burned that strong. She didn’t care, she was losing it anyways. He wasn’t real. None of her siblings were real but Sunny.

They were all puppets to the stars, Heronpaw can feel the invisible paws grip her shoulders. They tensed, imaginary claws digging into her pelt.

Heronpaw was screaming, mentally. Her mind screamed out in agony every single time her “mother” spoke. She still tried to stop her body from shaking as the screaming grew louder and louder until it fell silent.

Even the section directed at her, Heronpaw could feel nothing but the emptiness that captured her at the start. Her voice is monotone, facial expression giving no notes of anger or sadness. “Oh, so we’re not hiding information about our siblings anymore? The bare minimum.”

Womp womp. Her roleplayer wished she could say, but alas. How dare she. But the void that once filled her now causes a spark. A spark she refused to let rise with this failure of a parent.

Claws digging into the earth to stabilize herself. The shaking of her body now begins as Heronpaw feels her yellow eye twitch ever so slightly.

The sudden switch to her in direct speech is what was going to set her off in the first place. Each mental wall grew. The gate rises from the ground only to remain open. The words that she speaks are low in volume, and vaguely directed towards her siblings and father.

Eyes remain on Lostspark, “She speaks the truth about Smokekit. I know because Sunny, Bird and I found him before she returned to camp.” A claw raised to point at the medicine cat. Before it lowered itself back down.

She had nothing else to add to that part. The legacy she was forced to play. Heronpaw can feel the spark turn into a fire, a small one but a fire regardless. She had tried so damn hard to escape that legacy. The very legacy she was avoiding taking upon herself.

The Heir has a crown to wear, whether she wants to or not. It was no longer an option but an obligation.

Her part on that her children should have reached out started to make her boil. Heronpaw responds in an instant, voice flat. “All I’m hearing is excuse after excuse. Your six moon children should not have to reach out for the bare minimum from you. Grow up.”

Truth be told, that’s the only part of that she did hear. Her partial deafness kept her from listening to the rest, not muffled and bits of words here and there.

The rest of her rant was unnecessary and something Heronpaw either couldn’t hear or didn’t care to strain her good ear to listen to. Was she done yet? Something something about her struggles. “Then be done. Be done with caring for us. Nobody is forcing you. It’s been your choice since the start, has it not? All you’ve ever done is complain about your relationship with us anyways.” The last sentence was only a whisper, but it was filled with anger. All the anger she tried to hide this whole time.

His apology was pointless. “Why are you apologizing, Darkfall? Time and time again she has made everycat around her miserable. If Lostspark wants to be done then I’ll let her be done with all her children and her mate.” She does not feel any connection in the current moment to call her father by his title or mother by her own. Heronpaw feels the Star’s claws dig deeper, they want her to fire back. They wanted Heronpaw to say something horrible towards the cat that stood before her. The resentment towards her remained. Yet the Heir did not act upon it this time. She was mentally born of fire and rage. But physically? She was the perfect mix of her parents down to the eye color.

She could change her name all she wished, but this…on the other paw? She could never change her family, not in this state.

Her vision is fuzzy at the edges, the forming tears causing this effect. Yet she had to wake up and see the reality she has crafted to make her suffer. What the Stars have crafted, her own personal hell.

[ I will not be double mentioning kits so only parents pings. @Dark , @Rose ]

[Mica]

Birdpaw
ShadowClan
she/her | 6 moons | 4/100
[Blue-grey tabby with dark blue overcoat, white underside and amber eyes]
Purrks: Lyrebird's Lullaby [PERMANENTLY ACTIVE]
· · ────────────── · ·
[ @Dark - Darkfall / @vellichor - Larkkit / @iliri - Sootpaw / @Estelle - Sleepypaw / @stag - Heronpaw / @taillow - Mirepaw / @Eden - Wispypaw / @Morrigan - Quietpaw / @Poprock - Moonpaw / @SuspiciousMindz - Rainpaw / @panchiko - Rainykit / @furrensic - Quillpaw / @Neptune. - Cinderpaw / @Rani - Bleedingkit ]
· · ────────────── · ·
No Lullaby
SIAMÉS
───⚪────────────� �──
⇆　　 ◁　　❚❚　　▷　　↻

Blinding lights, thunder tremble pack
Muddy hearts, Beanie Babies lies
There's no lullaby in this nowhere land

Birdpaw was delighted to hear her mother's call. The young apprentice was the first to trot into the den, giving her mother a beaming smile. "Hiya Muma!" She chirped in Lostspark's own voice. She settled down in front of her mother, waiting for the others to arrive. Slowly, as each member of her family--plus one more, whom she vaguely recognized...?--filed into the den, some more happy to be there than others. Birdpaw was completely oblivious to the somber and tense energy that electrified the air, the apprentice merely swaying slightly where she sat.

When Lostspark finally began--Birdpaw was getting a little restless, waiting for everyone to arrive--she started by introducing the slightly familiar kit to everyone. Oh wow, a new brother! That was so neat! Birdpaw beamed at Bleedingkit. "Hi!! Nice to meet you!" She chirped cheerily, voice similar to Lostspark's. She would have to say hi fully later, as it seemed Muma wasn't quite done.

Shining high, rumbles in the dark
Torn apart, devil in disguise
There's no lullaby in this nowhere land

The next bit had Birdpaw deflating. She knew what this was. Smokekit. The usually energetic cat grew silent and still, staring at her paws as her mother ground out what happened to Smokekit. She didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to feel the fear of thinking Heronpaw and Mirepaw had been hurt only to see her eldest brother eaten on the floor of the med den.

eaten devoured bitten flesh torn dead eaten devoured bitten flesh torn dead eaten devoured--

Birdpaw sucked in a sharp breath when Lostspark said the word "bitten". No, no no no it was fine, it was fine, she couldn't smell the blood still, she couldn't feel flesh stuck between her teeth as though she had been the one to defile her brother's body. She hadn't, she hadn't! So why was her body and her mind telling her she did? That she would? That she should? Silence fell over the den as Lostspark finished her explanation, and Birdpaw used the blessed break in speech to desperately coil her runaway thoughts into a tight bundle and shove them deep down, strings tangling and twisting until it was unrecognizable. Until it was better.

What's the meaning when you have a broken home, home, home?
Where's the love when you were left on your own?
So alone

Birdpaw had barely reeled her mind back together when Lostspark spoke again. Birdpaw didn't know how to respond to her mother's claims. She knew Heronpaw hated Muma, but had Birdpaw not been loving enough? Sure, maybe she sought out Freckle more, but that was just because... because... Birdpaw blanched. Oh no. This was all her fault, wasn't it? Muma thought she hated her, Muma thought Birdpaw didn't want to be her daughter anymore. Birdpaw opened her mouth to protest, to tell Muma that she loved her. But Lostspark had different plans. Immediately grey molly launched into accusing Papa of all these different things--of not being there for her, of making her deal with the clan by herself, of chasing a cat that no longer exists.

Tumbling dice, sentimental crap
Who's the smart leading daily cries?
There's no lullaby in this nowhere land

Again, Birdpaw couldn’t process what was happening when Lostspark continued with speaking. She was addressing Heronpaw now. The emotion in her mother’s voice was foreign to Birdpaw, and all she could do was keep tears from spilling from her eyes as her thoughts unraveled themselves and began tangling around her throat, choking her. She just--she needed a moment, she needed her Muma back, not whoever this cat was that was tearing into her Papa, her eldest sister--

Her name. Birdpaw jerked up as she heard her name and her condition mentioned. As if on cue, her chest constricted and Birdpaw couldn’t help a pained wheeze as it squeezed out of her. No no no no no she was fine, don’t worry Muma, please please stop looking at her like that! Her cough wasn’t Muma’s fault. There was no way Muma could have known, no way she could have taken Birdpaw’s lungs and made them so weak.

What's the meaning when you have a broken home, home, home?
Where's the love when you were left on your own?

And then. Just as Birdpaw opened her mouth for a third time to insist to her mother that she still loved her, that she was fine, that Lostspark hadn’t done anything wrong--it was everyone else--

“You know what else I think, Darkfall? I think our children have grown lax, have become ungrateful.”

Birdpaw couldn’t stop the pained whimper that escaped her at that. She… she wasn’t ungrateful. Right? M-maybe she hadn't sought out Papa that much, maybe she had spent a lot of time with Frec--Mossfreckle. But she knew her parents loved her, she knew that even though they hadn't been there during her kithood didn't mean they hadn't been around.

Papa began next. A flood of words Birdpaw hardly understood, spoken through snarls and sobs and moons of agonized self-loathing that Birdpaw couldn't even begin to understand. As every word left her father's mouth, Birdpaw felt the situation getting worse and worse and worse. Birdpaw glanced fervently between her parents, feeling her chest tighten painfully. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want this meeting!!! She wanted it to stop, now! This was funny, haha, good joke everyone, could we go back to the way it was before? Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but at least Birdpaw didn’t have to listen to her parents snarl at each other.

What's the meaning when you have a broken home, home, home?
Where's the love when you were left on your own?
So alone

Lostspark's final words still rang in Birdpaw's head, even as her father's scathing words settled over the den. “If you wish to dispose of me, tell me now. It is your decision and yours alone.” The grey tabby with a blue tinge, a color different from both of her parents and yet with patterns so similar, stared up at her mother with beseeching amber eyes. Amber eyes that were undeniably Lostspark's. She knew her mother couldn't see her. But she just couldn't get any words out.

Birdpaw didn't want another mother. She wanted this one. Birdpaw was commander of the Ark Army, she couldn't just--leave. But there was no army, was there. There was no one to lead. The apprentice had foolishly let herself believe in a delusion that this family was actually a unit. That this family was a force to be reckoned with. Would this "talk" strengthen them? Or tear them apart?

Heronpaw was next. Birdpaw was hardly surprised when her eldest biological sister completely undid everything their mother said with only a few sentences. Birdpaw felt herself shaking. Why couldn't everyone see that by arguing, that by shifting the blame around, they were just making everything worse?? If they kept telling Muma that she was wrong, she wouldn't want to be their mother anymore! Why couldn't everyone just shut up and let Lostspark hiss at them? Everything would be better if everyone could keep their mouths shut. Arguing only ever made things worse. Better to let Muma get it out now. Birdpaw, ever the talkative cat, was painfully silent during all of this.

Birdpaw had never been faced with something like this. She was cheery. She was the sibling no one liked because she was loud, boisterous, annoying--that was fine with her. She liked being this way. But it felt like something had fundamentally changed in her. Her thoughts were no longer blessedly simple and straightforward. Now, they were tangled, wild, an endless maze of uselessness and fear and desperation. Birdpaw would not walk away from this meeting the same as she had entered.

[Morrigan]

Quietpaw
Shadowclan apprentice
10/100

She had to admit she didn't have any desire to join the sudden family meeting but some mysterious force had made her go(her roleplayer.) As soon as she sat down and curled her fluffy tail around her paws, mother was introducing the kit she'd seen earlier, Bleedingkit? Oh so that was the name of random child...what was with the name? Did they want them to get attacked by a fox or something? Anyways where'd she get the time to have another kitten? Did they just appear randomly or something?

Smokekit had died? Oh what a pity. He was one of the noisy ones wasn't he? Oh well, she didn't exactly care either way though, he'd been bitten? By what? Stars, why did she have to be so vague? Couldn't they be informed of his cause of death? Then they could decide whether they blamed Lostspark or not.

Then her mother began some kind of sad, we need to start being a family speech...It was quite annoying. "I love you." Those simple words felt like a lie to Quietpaw. Mabye she loved her other siblings but she wasn't sure about her. Lostspark had never shown much attention to her when she was a kit, perhaps because of her chosen silence? Still she knew she was neglected, slightly more than the others. They'd never cared.

Wait, so this was a therapy session? Nope. And now the medicine cat was launching into some angsty speech against Darkfall. Well she wasn't listening to this. Suddenly beginning to lap at her chest fur as the full rage of her mother was unleashed. Occasionally glancing up from her attempt to ignore Lostspark's rambling, the young she-cat found herself getting more and more annoyed. 'Stars, she's so dramatic.'

Oh and back to her children with all the "I would die for them" and the "I cared for them" crap. And then had the gall to say they'd grown lax and ungrateful. Quiet audibly soffed at those words. Lostspark hardly even knew her children, let alone her. She'd never once shown any of these things, she may have not tried to spend time with her parents but they had never tried either so why was she the one to blame?

And now mother was trying to make them seem like brats just because she had it hard? What made her think they didn't suffer? That they weren't alone? That they were living in luxury? They were going through hardships in their own lives, in their own ways, Lostspark had no right to make it look like they had it easy. A clan to rely on? What even was a clan?! Just a group of cats who didn't call themselves rogues! Say what she wished, not every cat in the clan would be there for her and if not the whole clan then they couldn't label them as a clan to rely on.

Now, a choice had just been thrown at them, abandon Lostspark and find someone else to love them or don't abandon her and continue to suffer. Even Quietpaw knew this was cruel. She wanted to scream at her so called mother, rake her claws across her face for her wretchedness but...she didn't. Why didn't she? Why couldn't she bring herself to just snap the medicine cat's neck and just be done with it? She wished she could...

Breathing now heavied she stared at the ground in rage as her father speak with emotion that could rival her mother's previous vehement words. Darkfall's lecture was...conflicting to say the least. It felt good that he was calling out Lostspark for her selfishness but why was he apologising? The grey she-cat didn't deserve an apology if anything she should be the one saying sorry...but Quiet didn't want to hear it anyways.

Next was Heronpaw, the angry one, being spiteful and full of rage towards Lostspark as always. Though, she agreed with her older sister, she was right yet...she was also frustrated with her. Why was she always the one to be mad? Why was she always paid attention to because of her hate? Why did she never do anything else except be upset and make a scene? Oh great and now she was crying.

Birdpaw didn't say anything, which was weird for her usually happy sister. Had all this foolishness taken away her cheer? Why was everyone so...so vunerable, so miserable, so weak? She'd always been the one to sit there, not saying a word, just speaking inside her mind...enough. She'd had enough. She wasn't just quiet like her name suggested, she was so much more, it was time for her to be the strong one. It was time to tell everyone what she though.

Lifting her gaze with newfound strength, Quietpaw felt powerful for once. Her emotions were always like an iced over lake, and with some force would crack. Now it finally had shattered to reveal it's ruthless, cold depths. She was unbelievably cross with her kin so it was time to put them in their place.

"Oh stars can we all shut up. If I'd have known that all we'd do is cry and shout at each other I wouldn't have come." And there they were. Her first words. Strong and with an edge of sarcasm...not as fun as she would've thought.

Flexing her claws as she glared at her kin who'd gathered she immediately started speaking again. "I'll get straight to the point now. Lostspark-" she locked her sight onto her mother "If you just called us here so you could cry and blame everything on us then I think you're the one who needs to get their act together, hmm?" Wow, it felt nice chewing out Lostspark for once...now onto the others.

"Darkfall, I have absolutely no idea why you're apologising, especially after all you said, if anything Lostspark should've come up with an apology instead of whining about how hard her life is. Or, better yet, you both could've apologised to all of us. Guess you didn't think of that though." Giving a comical shrug she continued with her reprimanding and this time focused on Heronpaw.

Making her tone just the slightest bit softer she began. "Heronpaw, you need to stop being angry all the time. If you hate Lostspark then just ignore her, why are you giving her attention? Mabye it's time to get on with your own life instead of spending all your time despising hers...or just find a hobby, darling." Hopefully she wouldn't get clawed at for her outrageous.

Straightening her posture slightly, Quietpaw skipped to the end of her advice "Honestly, you're all so dramatic, if we want this family to work then it's going to take time and just forcing you're children to make life changing decisions just because you feel they don't like you, is not ok." She empathised on that bit, giving a pointed look at Lostspark. "I think it's time you two start fixing your relationship before forcing us all to choose. Now please can we just get this over with so I don't have to waste my breath on any of you again? Hmm? Thanks." and with that Quiet just went back to grooming her fur like nothing happened.

(The child has spoken! )


[ @Rose - Lostspark / @Dark - Darkfall / @vellichor - Larkkit / @iliri - Sootpaw / @Estelle - Sleepypaw / @stag - Heronpaw / @taillow - Mirepaw / @Eden - Wispypaw / @Poprock - Moonpaw / @SuspiciousMindz - Rainpaw / @panchiko - Rainykit / @furrensic - Quillpaw / @Neptune. - Cinderpaw / @Rani - Bleedingkit ]

[Neptune.]

Cinderpaw
~<>~
5/100
6 moons || she/her || ShadowClan Apprentice
small black tabby with minimal white markings and 3 legs; amber eyes

[this post contains elements of ableism, read at your own discretion <3 ]

Curiosity ushered Cinderpaw to what she guessed was a hastily thought through meeting. She would've come anyway, would've done anything asked of her, because that's what a good daughter does: she listens to her parents and follows their orders without question, she does whatever is asked of her, and if the thing asked is as simple as joining her mother in the medicine den? There was no reason to refuse such a call. Part of her assumed this was a check-up, her mother wanting to see how the stump of her leg was healing, but the steady stream of her brothers and sisters and even her father filing into the den before she'd hobbled even halfway across the clearing was enough to put a furrow in the brows of the quiet kit.

Amber hued eyes drift across the gathered family, trying to take them all in, their expressions, their body language, the things they aren't saying with words, but what they cannot hide as well as they might think they are. Momma is antsy, her tail twitching and rigid posture is enough to tell Cinderpaw all she needs to know. This is not a check-up, there's something on her momma's mind and it's clear she will say it regardless of what her children and the sire of most of them puts in.

Golden fur catches her attention, easily the tomkit is the most noticeable face in the den, his bright fur and abnormal patterning stands out exponentially among the sea of monochromatic blacks, grays and whites. The kitten looks perfectly happy where is is, and Cinderpaw can't help the way her mind starts sifting through all reasons he could possibly be there. She'd thought this was a meeting between family, unless she'd been wrong about that. Her mind is stronger than her body - it's the only thing she has right now, the only thing she can rely on - so if she's wrong, then perhaps she's wrong about everything. The kit seems perfectly comfortable, though, so she wonders if he was supposed to be here, if her mother invited him too. What did that mean?

Heronpaw looks as angry and disinterested as ever, like she doesn't want to be here, like she'd rather be anywhere else. Cinderpaw almost wonders if some invisible force made her oldest sister show up, stars know she probably wouldn't have come on her own without incentive. Gaze shifting over to Birdpaw, Cinder faintly smiles at how secure her other sister looks, how she's smiling, how the excitable energy practically radiates off of her in waves. There's envy, too, in the smile Cinder gives her other older sister, envy she cannot stamp out despite her efforts to try. Why couldn't she be that happy and sure of everything? It doesn't seem fair.

She almost doesn't notice Quietpaw's entrance, her sister almost as silent on her paws as Cinderpaw is. She doesn't look amused either, perhaps not quite angry like the expression that usually settles over Heronpaw's features, but she certainly doesn't look pleased, fluffy tail settling over her paws.

The only way Cinderpaw can even begin to describe her papa's expression is... resigned, like he knows what's coming, like he's bracing for the worst. That sends a shiver up the tabby's spine. Why did he look like that? Could she help him at all? She wants to do something helpful. But memories of the last time she tried to be helpful shoot through her mind and leave the injured feline rooted to her spot. If she helps him, will he be hurt too? If she helps any of them, will she destroy their lives?

Guilt floods her. She can't hurt them, too. Silently, the apprentice chooses a spot to sit some paces away from the group of them. If she does not sit next to them, she won't be inclined to offer comfort, right? Her attempts to help won't backfire and hurt more if she doesn't attempt to help... right..?

Barely, she has a moment to breath while everyone else who bothers to show up makes their appearance, and then her mother starts speaking. The very first thing she does is introduce Bleedingkit as her son. Her son? They have a new little brother? Cinderpaw shifts a little uncomfortably in her spot, whiskers twitching slightly as she takes in what this means.

First, she'd introduced the kit as her son, her gaze on Darkfall, as if to say 'he does not belong to you, too,' as if to say 'I don't want you to have anything to do with him,' as if to say 'he could've been ours if you'd bothered to be there.' Cinderpaw feels strange as she invents the words she imagines her mother means with that look, feels strange as the kit says hello, and as Birdpaw says it back, clearly excited. Is Cinderpaw excited too? She thinks yes, maybe, though she's not sure how true that is. Politely, she dips her head to her new brother, mind working overtime to try and figure him out.

There's no moment to breath, though, because Lostspark barrels on, as if just starting to obtain the momentum to keep going. There's pain in her expression that Cinderpaw can't place, that she struggles to unpack in the brief moment before her mother keeps talking. Smokekit. Smokekit had died, had gotten into the herbs momma keeps and died because of it. And there'd been... a bite taken out of him?

Hardly noticing the way her smaller frame is trembling, Cinderpaw sinks lower to the ground, mind reeling. Her oldest brother was dead? She'd wondered where he was, but she's not the most outgoing of their litter, hardly sociable with the few she considered friends, so she hadn't asked. Besides... she'd had her own trouble going on, though it makes her feel incredibly guilty to think of her injury as the thing that made her miss the news of her kin's death. How dare she? She should've known, should've found a way to ask after him. But she didn't, she was too concerned with herself.

More words tumble from her mother's mouth, something about how she knows some of those present may blame her for what happened to their brother, but how she loves them anyway. Cinderpaw knows this, she had never once doubted that and she'd thought she made it clear enough that she, too, loved her mother. But... but there's a note of blame in Lostspark's voice, maybe intentional, maybe not, when she says that perhaps her children not thinking enough to reach out to her as well was part of the reason for the somewhat strained relationship between many of them.

Blinking, the black feline is struck dumb for a moment. Had she not reached out..? She guesses... maybe she had not been the one to bridge the gap between her own life and her mother's busy schedule. But she'd wanted to. She just thought... she'd thought that maybe momma didn't want to be bothered while she was working (and she was almost always working), so Cinderpaw had done what she thought a polite, respectful daughter would do and given Lostspark space. She'd tried to be helpful and show her love in another way: she'd tried to get what she thought were herbs to help her momma. Now, too late, she knew what she had collected were not useful herbs, and the only thing she'd done was get herself hurt and add to her mother's stress. But she had tried. She'd tried to help! Did that not count for something..?

Numb, Cinderpaw watches with detached horror as her mother rounds on her father, gaze hard, words a fountain of anguish, grief and blame. Her grievances are not small, and they have almost nothing to do with the children sitting before them. Numb, Cinderpaw listens as Lostspark tears into Darkfall, chewing him out for not being there enough for her, for not being a shoulder to cry on, for being absent, for being... for being unreceptive to her wishes, it sounds like. Had papa done all that? Had he been dismissve of momma? Had he really been... had he really been so bad? Cinderpaw tries to think of a time where her father had been around and hadn't been at least watching his children in the clearing. She comes up almost empty.

Momma turns her attention to Heronpaw, apathetic as ever, and proclaims again that she loves her, loves all of them, that she'd do anything for them, that she'd die for them, bringing up each of her children's defects or disabilities. Cinderpaw flinches when her own missing leg is brought up, bitterness and guilt swirling in her gut. Her injury was not the fault of momma. It was Cinderpaw's own fault. She'd thought she was safe. She'd been wrong about that. Despite the way her mother talks, how she uses each of her children's struggles as an example of what she'd take on herself of she could, Cinderpaw feels a small spark of anger. She doesn't like being made an example of, despite her mother's seemingly good intentions. She feels small, like a spectacle, and feels hundreds of eyes that do not belong to any cat in the den settle on her, fur prickling in anxiety.

'I'm not a monster. Not unless you make me one.' Lostspark says, tone firm, attention on Heronpaw, but somehow Cinderpaw thinks the words aren't for Heronpaw alone; they're for all of them. She is what they make her out to be. If they believe her mother a monster, that's what she becomes. If they make her out to be a complicated cat with thought, feelings, flaws, wants, needs and everything else, that is who she is. If they make her out to be a stranger, someone that they hardly know, that's what she becomes.

'And you know what else I think, Darkfall?' she asks, her words washing over her youngest daughter, 'I think our children have grown lax, have become ungrateful.' Was that true? Cinderpaw doesn't think she's lax, lazy or ungrateful. Is that the way her mother sees her? Does she see an idiot child, so certain of her position among her clan, so assured that she's safe because of her parentage and her parent's parentage, that she can do whatever she wants? Is that why she thinks Cinderpaw left the territory almost two moons ago? Does she blame her? Does she think her... her defect is because she's lazy and arrogant and full of herself?

Tears start to well in her eyes, then, and she can't do anything to stop them. They start to fall as momma begins talking about her own struggles when she was a kit, how she had nothing, how she had to fight for everything she got. And Cinderpaw feels awful. Maybe she had been ungrateful. If her momma says she was, then that's true, is it not? She did not grow up with the struggles momma grew up with, so maybe... maybe she is ungrateful? She'd never considered... guilt mixes with the tears pouring openly from her face, she'd been an awful daughter, hadn't she?

For her final act, her mother offer's an ultimatum, a horrible, horrible thing to hear. Keep their mother, work to repair a bond Cinder hadn't even known was broken, or discard her. Replace her with the next best thing. Alarm washes over Cinderpaw, alarm and fear. Would momma throw her away like that? Throw them all away? She couldn't... she couldn't! There was no way she could do something like that! But the resigned resolve in her voice is clear. It's the most real thing in her tone. She would hold herself and her children to their choices, whatever they may be, and that scared Cinderpaw. What if some of them chose to throw all this away? What if, when they were old, they saw how wrong they had been and wanted to reconect? Would momma push them all away? Would she remember their choices as children and hold those decisions over their heads forever?

She doesn't want that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! 'Momma, please..!' Her mind screams, begs for forgiveness for her actions, for how terrible of a daughter she had been, but the words won't come out. It's like her words don't exist anymore. She'd had a limited number of them to use from her birth and now her reserves are empty. Depleated. Gone. She cannot beg forgiveness. Cannot grovel at her momma's feet and proclaim how sorry she is, how she wants everything to be okay, how she's sorry she was ungrateful! She'll change! She'll be better, she swears she will!

Papa starts shouting now, snapping Cinderpaw out of it and she turns wide, watery eyes on him, pulse picking up. He refuted all momma's claims that he was never there for her, proclaiming he was when he could be, wheh she let him be. Cinderpaw doesn't really know what he's talking about, the despair and panic in her mind swirling uncontrollably and messing with her ability to pay attention and analyze the words properly. Her mind works as poorly as her body right now, and there's a twinge of anger she feels about it. If she can't even have her mind, she has nothing - she is nothing.

Darkfall is crying, too, now, tears streaming down his cheeks as he lets out emotions he must have kept inside for moons. Cinder wants to go over to him, to comfort him, but she doesn't. She doesn't let herself move, too afraid that if she tried to help she'd hurt him.

He defends his children from momma's accusation that they're ungrateful, but it doesn't do much to ease the guilt that comment let loose in the small tabby, though the sentiment is nice. And then he's done. Finishing with a small 'I'm sorry.'.

Cinderpaw waits a moment, for a heartbeat when silence surrounds the family, broken, ripped bloody, bruised and raw. She doesn't know what to do. Throughout this, she'd vaguely been able to focus on Heronpaw's comments, small things, but enough that it stung probably as badly as she'd intended it to. Cinder doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to do. Part of her wants to run, though she knows she won't be able to get very far in her condition.

Bridpaw had been quiet. That was unusual. Watery amber eyes turn to her big sister, taking in the stricken, panicked body language, and a surge of protective sympathy rang through Cinderpaw. But she could not move. Could not get up and shield her big sister from the awful things being said. She wanted to, but she couldn't.

Quietpaw... Quietpaw speaks now. When was the last time Cinder had heard her voice? She didn't think she could sound so... scathing. So apathetic and unremorseful. Had she always harbored these feelings for their parents. She reads their mother to filth, and Cinderpaw doesn't know what shocks her more, the amount of words or the disinterest in which she says them, like she's stating facts about the color, size and ferocity difference between a mouse and a rat.

Cinderpaw sinks to the floor where she is, feeling stuck. She won't leave. She can't leave. She can prove that she's a good daughter! She can make momma and papa proud! She can! Or... maybe she can't. Maybe they'll never be proud of a daughter who ruined her chances at a good life the moment she decided stepping out into the territory alone as a kit was ok. But... but she'd thought she would be safe! Papa said that the warrior code means no one can hurt a kit. That's against the rules. She thought it extended to everything in the forest. She thought... she thought she'd be safe...

But she wasn't safe. Did momma blame her for it? Did momma blame her for becoming defective the way Cinder blamed herself? Is that why... is that why she acted like she didn't want her anymore after their apprentice ceremony? Is that why she's pushing them all away now? She said she'd take on the injury herself - all of their injuries - but did she really mean that..? Or was she just saying as much to butter them up, to get them to believe her so that they'd give in and take the first option of her ultimatum. But was she lying? Cinderpaw can't tell.

She doesn't give an answer, the well of words she used to have had long since dried. She'd thought, for a while after getting hurt, that maybe she did have words, but they would take an enormous effort to come out now - much more effort than she used before, and she'd used a lot of effort before. Now, though? It's like there's nothing to force out. Like she's grasping for prey that isn't there and never has been.

So she cries. It's the only thing she can do.

Alone, in the isolated spot of the den she'd chosen to it in, so close but so far from her family, Cinderpaw cries.

[ only mentioning those who've already posted + estelle //
@Rose - lostma // @Dark - darkdad // @Rani - bleedingkit
// @stag - heronpaw // @Mica - Birdpaw //
@Morrigan - quietpaw // @Estelle - sleepypaw ]

[Estelle]

[ TW: This post contains mentions of self-deprecation, especially towards the end, and effects akin to a panic attack, as well as mentions of self-doubt. ]

“Did you love me when you left me?
You who once spoke so gently, who once promised to always come back to me.
Don’t leave me.”

Mama had called her in her den. A spark of hope lit within the young apprentice’s chest; a bit of hope her mama would rectify what had happened last meeting, a small hope that mama would tell her she wasn’t replaced, that she loved her despite the cold tone in which she had been called – but all hope waned when they came. The stranger, the thirteen. They all joined them inside this den, and seeing her mama’s rigid and business-like posture, the six-moon-old apprentice’s heart sank. She comes to seat herself away from them. Closer to the side, closer to her mama, not next to any of the kits that took her place nor the tom she barely knew. Dull, calm eyes settled on her mama, the impending doom looming over her head. Vibrant blue eyes fell to the kit at her mama’s paws. Bleedingkit.

...Another kit mama had taken in. Another kit to replace her. Is that why she had been so kind and gentle with him that time, just before she left for patrols? Why he get to do what she never was permitted? Sleepypaw felt her posture freeze. At least this time mama cared enough to tell, unlike when the thirteen came. But that wasn’t all, was it? No, mama was gearing up to speak further. Smokekit. One of the thirteen. Mama looked pained. Hurt. ...He was dead. Eaten. Sleepypaw hadn’t noticed; the thirteen seemed to be lacking in numbers, yes, but she hadn’t known he died. She didn’t want to care. She didn’t want to feel anything but seeing her mama’s pain shot a spike through her chest, and for a brief moment her mask faltered. A brief moment of empathy for the kit that took her place. Was that why mama never allowed her inside this den? But then, why were they allowed in, despite what happened? Did mama not trust her enough?

But the worst was yet to come.

I love you.
Those are the words she spoke, and for a brief moment, her eyes widened.
I love you.
Words mama had never spoken to her before.
I love you.
Words she now repeated twice. To all of them. Sleepypaw never blamed mama for working. Sleepypaw never complained about mama working, she had always accepted it. But now; mama had continued. Mama spoke of a broken family – a family Sleepypaw only considered to be Mama, Miss Grandmama, and herself. But to mama the thirteen were a part of it. Right? Or were her next words aimed at her only? Seek her out more. Ask about her more. Be with her more. Isn’t that exactly what she had done, seek mama out whenever possible? And yet, it sounded like she was being blamed for respecting mama’s work. For not disrupting her work when not permitted to do so. The thirteen had that permission. Sleepypaw knew because she had seen them go to and fro between the nursery and medicine cat’s den. Sleepypaw never had that permission. So why was she being blamed?

Mama spoke of blame. And burden. Two words Sleepypaw never considered her mama to carry. Perhaps her burden was her work, but not once had Sleepypaw blamed her mama for anything. Not for replacing her, not for ignoring her, not for playing these mind games. That’s what they felt like, now. Mind games. One moment as warm as the sun that lit up the sky, then the next… She didn’t exist to her mama any more. What was she supposed to think? Heart pounding in her ears beneath a calm façade, Sleepypaw followed her mama’s gaze towards Darkfall. The stranger that claimed to be her father, the stranger mama had never bothered introducing her to. The stranger mama was now confirming played a part in her life. Then she said it. Blinded. Once again, the six-month-old was thrown for a loop. Blinded. She had heard the rumours, she had seen her mama’s glazed-over eyes, but denial wished for it to be just that – mama never acted like she was blinded. Mama never told her she was blinded. Is that what those wounds caused, the ones across her face? Was it true? Expression growing inquisitive she watched her mama’s face closely. Mama was upset. She was upset with the stranger. She was upset with that name, that fake name, the one she claimed as her own just moments later. Larkfire was dead, she said. Lostspark was alive, she said. But mama wasn’t Lostspark. Mama was Larkfire. Why had Miss Grandmama even accepted the name change, if she wasn’t the one who gave it? What Great-grandfather was mama speaking of? ...She had a great-great-grandfather..?

But her mind was ripped away from the confusing question, led to the next part of mama’s upset tone. Her duty to the clan; the one Sleepypaw had always been aware of, and always been respectful of. But how could she blame them for interrupting her work when she had permitted them to..? Her mind began to hurt, everything was so confusing. But this was only the beginning of it. Heronpaw. Her eyes shot to her younger sister, the one of the thirteen. Mama proclaimed her love for their kits. Mama spoke of all of them. Of all their struggles Sleepypaw had neglected, the struggles that – despite her wish not to – made her feel the slightest bit of remorse for them. But it hurt. It hurt so, so much. Deep inside tears began to form. Deep inside a battered heart began to break further and further. She was proclaiming her love for her kits. But not her. She spoke of Heronpaw. She spoke of Heronpaw’s siblings. She spoke of her kits with Darkfall. And Sleepypaw wasn’t a part of that. She knew she wasn’t a part of that. She didn’t want to be a part of that. But she wanted to be loved. She wanted her mama to love her so badly. But now she knew that wasn’t the case. Now she knew that when mama said those vile and painful words – I love you – she meant them. Not her. She meant them. Not her. She meant them because she loved them. ...Not her.

She swallowed the tears forming deep inside. She swallowed back the pain, sitting silently and obediently as her mother went on. Lax. Ungrateful. Were those the truth of her siblings? Once again, she said, she loved them. Darkfall wanted them. They could keep each other company. A luxury mama claimed she did not have but at this moment, did Sleepypaw have that? Did she have the luxury of siblings? A father? A mama who loved her? Her siblings replaced her. She did not have a father. Her mama proved just now with her very own words that she was not among those she loved the most. It was the thirteen she loved. Her prized thirteen.

It hurt. It stung. She felt defeated. Why did mama call her here, if only to rub in what they have and she did not? She wanted to leave. She wanted out. She wanted to run. She wanted… Miss Grandmama. Miss Grandmama was nice to her, in her own way. Miss Grandmama loved her… Right? That’s why she allowed her to stay with her, in her den, right? Sleepypaw glanced down, mind filling with doubt. She had sought Miss Grandmama out when she knew mama was busy. She learned the hunter’s crouch from Miss Grandmama. She behaved, always. She never got in trouble. But if that was enough to earn Miss Grandmama’s… Acceptance. Why wasn’t it enough to earn mama’s? She looked up with doubt in her eyes. Her face, hate she might, must’ve been contorted with hurt. If none was enough to earn mama’s affection, then it couldn’t be enough to have Miss Grandmama’s. Because that’s how it worked, didn’t it? She thought affection was given… Nightshiver gave affection. But it was earned, wasn’t it. The thirteen had earned mama’s love, so had Darkfall. But now mama was upset and she made that clear.

Mama continued, still. Sleepypaw’s ears were buzzing at this point but through the fog, she still heard mama’s words. A clan to rely on. That sounded like a joke; they were strangers, unreliable. Only the few Miss Grandmama trusted could be relied on, and even then. The only one you could truly rely on was yourself. Suddenly, her eyes lifted from the ground. A mother who despised her existence… That didn’t sound like Miss Grandmama. And… Mama had a father and a brother, she had an uncle? It struck her like lightning. Is that what she had been telling Bleedingkit the other day? Did mama call her here to rub in how much she had kept from her? ...She wasn’t even ShadowClan…?
“What...”
A whisper escaped her maw; her reality shattered around her. Did that mean Miss Grandmama wasn’t even her real Miss Grandmama? What did this mean? Why would Miss Grandmama… Was it because she found mama at four moons? Did Miss Grandmama raise her from then on? Sleepypaw felt so utterly confused. So utterly lost. A great-great-grandfather she never knew about. A Grandmother she never knew about. A grandfather she never knew about. An uncle she never knew about. Mama wasn’t ShadowClan born, so Miss Grandmama wasn’t her blood relative? What about Cougarbite and his kits? Why had mama never told her this before, did she not care enough? What else what she hiding from her?!

And then she made everything worse. As if the young apprentice’s world wasn’t shattered enough already, Larkfire had to go and break it into further pieces. Remain her child, or find another mother. Dispose of her, or keep her. Was this why she called her here today? Did mama want her to dispose of her, pin the blame on her? Make Sleepypaw dispose of her own mama? Everything felt so harsh. So cold. Her gaze was growing blurry. No, no! She couldn’t cry! She blinked away the tears, mind repeating again and again what mama had said. Mama wanted her gone. Mama didn’t love her. Mama blamed her. Her family wasn’t real. Her real family abandoned mama. Her uncle abandoned mama. Is it because mama got so hurt by her brother’s actions that she wanted Sleepypaw to dispose of her? But didn’t that hurt all the same, knowing your own mama wants you to dispose of her?

It hurt. It hurt. It hurt! How often was that thought going to repeat in her mind, in her heart? It HURT.

And then Darkfall spoke. Teary-eyed the kitten turned to the angered tom, suddenly shuddering from the pure anger in his voice. As if on instinct her eyes shot to the younger within the den. Her tail parted from her paws, though subconsciously. Somewhere deep within she wanted to take the younger, take those who were frightened by this display and hide them, just like she wanted to hide herself. But she didn’t. She didn’t move. She remained frozen. Eyes only occasionally jumping to Bleedingkit – he must be frightened – to Birdpaw – was she frightened too?

Bleedingkit. Her eyes shot down. There he was. At her paws. Hiding. She didn’t know what to do. She froze. Her breath stopped in her lungs. The screaming faded into the background, just for a second. Her tail moved. It came to surround the younger kitten, a subconscious paw pulled him closer. Her eyes moved up. Why, why WHY did either of them think this madness was a good idea? WHY did they have to fight, WHY did mama have to be this angry, WHY DID THEY HAVE TO YELL? Her eyes shut for the moment. She felt so weak. She felt so small. Leave me alone, get out, get OUT. She wanted OUT. Mama’s words were bad enough, why did he have to make it worse with his yelling?!

The name came up again. Mama’s name came up again, and by this point with pinned-back ears, everything became only more confusing. Whom Mama called her great-grandfather, the stranger referred to as a stranger as well. And yet that was only the first of it. She came up, Sleepypaw. He called her Sleepykit. Eyes refusing to look either of their ways opened with surprise, brows furrowed in further confusion and fright. Daykit. Who is Daykit. When and why did Darkfall carry her and this Daykit to Elmshadow? What else was mama hiding from her?! Eyes filled with utter lack of understanding and questions turned to her mama. She wanted to ask. She wanted to ask mama about everything she had been hiding from her. How much the thirteen and Bleedingkit knew but she didn’t. How much of her life had been withheld from her. But Darkfall went on. Went on about ‘another tom’s kits’ and for some reason this sparked only more of a storm within her mind. Another tom? Kits? Was this another litter she did not know of..? Air. Air. She was lacking air. Breathe. Breathe. Hyperventilate. Breath wasn’t coming in, breath wasn’t coming in. What was this tom? ...Was that her father? Did she have a father?! She couldn’t. No, no. She didn’t have a father. She didn’t have siblings. She had a mama. She had a Grandmama. But Mama now said she had an uncle. And a grandfather. And another Grandmama. Mama what have you done?

Everything became a blur. Voices and sounds blurred into the background. Her mind was reeling, more and more with every word, every revelation, every truth she was not privy to knowing. Subconsciously she noted Darkfall’s next words. He lost. He lost much. He was angry. He was sad. She felt bad. For the stranger. She felt bad. For mama. She felt bad. For them. The thirteen. Bleedingkit. She felt bad. But it was all so much. It was all too much. Why did they have to be here? Why couldn’t they leave? Leave, leave, leave, LEAVE. Please just leave!

And then she looked at him. Sleepypaw stopped breathing, her distraught gaze met Darkfall’s. He was looking at her, even just for a split second, he was looking at her and speaking of someone she did not know. Of a him. Was he blaming her too? Was he blaming her for mama’s feelings? Was she still being blamed? What had she done to him? Was it because she didn’t recognise him as her father? But he wasn’t her father! She didn’t have a father! More words. More words. Too many words! Prey… Prey? Prey. Her… Was he talking about her? Sleepypaw looked up again. The prey? The prey that always appeared at her bedside, the one mama or Nightshiver brought… It was Darkfall? Darkfall is the one that kept her fed? Is that why Nightshiver never admitted to bringing her the food, because it was Darkfall? Not even mama? He kept her fed and not mama? Her eyes locked on him. She didn’t know for how long. He kept her fed. He didn’t poison her. He brought her prey. Not mama. Not Nightshiver. Him. Darkfall. The stranger. The stranger who once claimed to be her father.

Silence. There was silence. For just a second. Just second. There was silence. Then Heronpaw spoke. But Heronpaw’s words weren’t true. They didn’t ring true. Mama was still hiding things. Mama was still hiding things – or. Or was mama only hiding things from her? Did the thirteen and Bleedingkit know about everything mama and Darkfall had said? Did everyone know except her?

Heronpaw. She was struggling, it looked like it, like she was angry. Just as Darkfall, just as mama. Internally Sleepypaw feared another outburst but the apprentice’s words were low. Still, her tail further covered Bleedingkit as she watched on in desperation, slowly losing every bit of herself that was once composed and calm, grappling to get it back. Grappling to build her walls back up, to seem unaffected, to see calm. Deep breaths entered her lungs but it felt like oxygen was lacking, a quick glance down wondered how Bleedingkit and the rest of them were dealing with this. ...What was she even doing? Protecting her replacement? She stared down in disbelief for several moments. Until Heronpaw spoke again. Vibrant eyes looked up to watch the younger cat. Reach out. To reach out. Is that what mama had wanted? Is that what mama had wanted of her, too, or only the thirteen? ...Sleepypaw had tried to reach out. She did, several times. But she was ignored. Ignored. Unimportant. So when mama wanted them to reach out… She just meant the thirteen. Not her. Once again, not her. Mama wanted them to reach out and Sleepypaw did but Sleepypaw wasn’t recognised and that was only further proof that all this, all these words, it was just to prompt Sleepypaw to get rid of her. So mama wouldn’t have to take the blame for leaving her kit. Just like mama’s brother did. But this wasn’t any better. This hurt too, mama, this hurt too!

Heronpaw spoke further, but Sleepypaw was distracted. Distracted with everything around her. With all their expressions. With all their words. With Bleedingkit safely between her paws. With Birdpaw, looking so defeated. As defeated as she felt, as defeated as she didn’t want to show. Vibrant blue eyes locked on the apprentice. On the kitten. They were all just kittens, here, in this moment. From one kitten to another, the reality sunk in that she wasn’t alone in being hurt by mama’s words. By Darkfall’s yelling. They were watching their parents argue… Their parents. And Sleepypaw… Sleepypaw was just an unwanted bystander, called in for laughs. To rub in what she lacked. To chase her away. And her heart ached beneath it. But so it did for them. For the scared among these kits. Not everyone looked affected; not everyone seemed to care. But she saw. Heronpaw had tears. Birdpaw was practically trembling. Darkfall was sobbing. Quietpaw sounded furious despite her composed attitude. But her eyes couldn’t leave Birdpaw in this moment. She wanted to reach out, she wanted to reach out. She wanted to reach out to this child that replaced her, this child that stole mama’s favour, she wanted to reach out to and tuck her beneath her the way Bleedingkit was huddled close. Eyes looked at the frightened kitten imploringly, probably softer than they had ever been as her own eyes still looked slightly glazed over with tears. Come. She thought. Come. Protect you… I’ll protect you. The words rang in her mind, working up a teary expression. Come. It repeated in her mind, a silent invitation for Birdpaw to join Bleedingkit within a big sister’s embrace.

Then, Quietpaw spoke. Eyes lifted from the young to her other sister, ever the quiet one, now speaking. Despite the storm raging in her mind the young apprentice’s breath had started to calm, though heavy as her sides went up and down, and the tears dried from her eyes. In silence she watched, keeping up the bit of safety she could offer, as she listened. Again. And again. And again. So many words. Always. So. Many. Words. ...But they were important, weren’t they? Nightshiver always spoke. Always prompted her to speak her mind, to be honest, but Sleepypaw never gave in; yet here everyone was, speaking, now that the screaming had finally seized. But anger remained. Quietpaw was angry, and with right, but it did little to aid the tense air within the den. She chewed out mama, telling her she needed to get her act together. Sleepypaw, worried, glanced at mama at those words, until Quietpaw continued. Darkfall. Heronpaw. Frankly, she could’ve almost laughed at what the apprentice told her sister, but the sound remained stuck in her throat. It seemed so easy for her. So… Simple. Though… In some ways, the younger one was right. Wasn’t she? Sleepypaw’s expression grew dull once again, lost as she regarded the ground at her mama’s paws. This decision, it hurt. And mama and Darkfall shouldn’t argue like that, not in front of their kits and yet… The young was conflicted. If it wasn’t for this argument, would mama have ever told her the truth? About her family? About how mama felt about her? Would she ever have known? Sleepypaw looked between the ex-mates. Yet, she wished none of this ever happened. This argument, these truths, this life. Everything would’ve been so much easier if… If they had never been born. The thirteen. If mama had never found Bleedingkit. If Darkfall and mama never got together. ...If mama had been honest. Everything would’ve been so, so much easier if none of them ever existed and it simply remained her, mama and Miss Grandmama.

But that felt wrong. Why? She looked down. Her eyes fell on Bleedingkit. On Birdpaw. Cinderpaw. She had calmed. Her mind was running and hurting and she wanted out. But she had calmed. But they… They were still scared, weren’t they? They… Had they done anything wrong? It wasn’t them who chose to be born… It wasn’t them who chose to… to replace her. Right? Did they?

Cinderpaw crumbles to the floor. The act catches Sleepypaw’s tired and confused eyes within a second. She cried. The youngling cried. Her little sister cried. The sight, the second it happened, chased away her previous thoughts. So what if they replaced her intentionally or not, right now… She had to be the bigger cat. These were her little siblings. Her responsibility. Even if she hated them, even if she envied them to the stars and beyond, right now, she was responsible for them. And that thought hurt all the more. She couldn’t understand why she was thinking this way all of a sudden. She couldn’t understand! It, … It must be Nightshiver rubbing off on her. The white queen always had a soft spot for kittens, always wanting to help when they were upset. Nightshiver tried to help her when she was upset, Sleepypaw remembered. So… It must be that. Just a fluke. A momentary feeling. Nothing permanent. After all, they replaced her. They… Replaced her. They replaced her. It hurt. It still hurt so much. Even as she watched Cinderpaw, a silent voice calling the younger sibling close, a silent arm wanting to scoop around her and tug her in close just like Bleedingkit and Birdpaw. It hurt.

Mama favoured them. She knew she did. So how badly must mama think of her? How much must mama want to rid of her eldest biological daughter, that she was able to scorn the younger ones this much? Able to call her here just to reveal all the truths that were withheld, accentuating just how much of an outsider to this family she is. Accentuating just how much she favoured them, and not her. Not her. Not… Her.

It was silent. No one was saying anything. The silence dragged on, it felt like a painful, tense and terrible eternity. Did she want to speak? No, no. And yet; words coward in her throat. Words jumbled and senseless. So many thoughts. So many questions. So many things she did not understand any more and so many things she did not want to know. But she knew them. She knew mama didn’t love her. She knew mama had withheld the truth from her. She knew mama favoured them, still. She knew mama awaited an answer.

Sleepypaw has always been obedient. Sleepypaw has always done what she’s told. Never a single step out of line, always looking to learn and never to get in trouble. Always aiming to be the perfect daughter. The perfect granddaughter. The perfect shadow princess. The perfect heir to the legacy she looked up to. But now, she knew that wasn’t the case. She was imperfect. Not good enough. A mess. And most certainly not the designated heir to either mama’s or Miss Grandmama’s legacies; her eyes flashed towards Heronpaw; she was nothing but an outcast. An outcast within her own family.

Maybe it was her fault. She didn’t acknowledge Darkfall as her father, didn’t acknowledge the thirteen as her siblings. Was that a mistake? Darkfall isn’t her father; yet, they are her siblings. Half-siblings, but they share a mother. Maybe she should have acknowledged their existence instead of scorning and envying them from a distance, but she was a child herself. And what would that have changed about this predicament? Mama would’ve still replaced her. Mama would’ve still cast her aside and posed this ultimatum to get rid of her. She knew mama wanted her to reject her. But she couldn’t. Sleepypaw couldn’t. She loved mama, even if mama didn’t love her back. Please, mama, don’t do this.

But she had done this. Had posed the ultimatum and, for whatever reason, extended it to the rest of the thirteen. Maybe… Maybe she had been wrong – glancing towards Quietpaw – maybe not all of the thirteen had been as close to mama as she thought but that didn’t change the facts. Mama still replaced her with them. And the more she thought about it, the more she realises that she should have seen this coming. That she should have expected this. From the moment they were born – no, even before. From the very beginning, mama must have realised that Sleepypaw would never be good enough for her and begun to cut her off. It hurt. It hurt so, so much. A ripped-apart heart could barely hold it together with these thoughts as her eyes silently landed on her mama.

“Why… did --”

Her voice cut off, shaky and weak, nothing like she wanted it to be. She paused. Eyes glanced down at her paws. Her eyes were feeling hot again, oh no, please, no.

...Why did you even call me here..?

A whisper escaped her maw.

“I’ve done… Nothing to you.”

She paused. She took a deep breath. Her voice remained soft, calm. Her eyes looked down at the frightened kits between her paws and scattered about the den.

“You… You are my mama, my only mama,”
She affirmed, looking up into her mother’s eyes.
“You know that.”
Her voice trembled. She trembled. These were too many emotions. Too much to process.
“You always will be...”
Another whisper followed her already quiet voice.

Once again, silence. She gathered her thoughts. Mama didn’t love her. She knew that. Why was she saying she loved mama? Because she did. But might that not anger mama..? She swallowed.

“But...”
Pause. Breath.
“But if you don’t want me any more, say so...”
Eyes filled with tears, slowly. Mama wanted to talk. She would talk.

“Don’t pull them into this. Don’t make them do this. I-

I’m sorry.

But, please, mama, please just be honest with me. I know – I know that…”

It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.

“...Do you remember… When you promised you would – always come back to me..?”
She looked up from the ground, teary-eyed.

“You used to call me ‘love’, back then... Do you still? I - I know I failed you, because – you – you’ve made it clear. You have.
...Did you call me here today just to make it clearer, to show how much there is you’ve never told me? Did you want me to seek you out too…? Because – stars, I did, mama, I did. I sought you out mama, but you weren’t there...”

She held back her tears.

“I - you would only come to me in the evening, right? You would leave in the morning. And I respected that. I still do, mama. I’ve always respected your work, I’ve always understood you have a duty to the clan first and foremost.

Maybe – maybe I should’ve tried harder…? Been less obedient…? But would that have changed anything, mama? It wasn’t just me. Right? I – w-when you became a medicine cat. You left. You left the nursery. I stayed in this den. Alone, but… I was two moons, mama. Most kits aren't even weaned off by that point. But, I thought – maybe, maybe… You would stay with me during the nights. So I waited for you. I waited for you all night, several times, mama, but you never came. S-so.. I thought, maybe, you would ask Miss Grandmama if I could stay in this den with you… I could’ve left in early mornings, I wouldn’t have gotten in the way. But didn't. I hoped you would, but -- you never came back. And I waited. Everyday. Every. Single. Day.”

A sob began to build up, a paw to her mouth chasing it down. She was an embarrassment. A deep breath. She continued, her tone ever so calm and soft, much like how Nightshiver spoke whenever a kit was upset.
“Nightshiver kept me company, then, until I fell asleep. Did you… Did you want me to be disobedient?”
She looked up inquisitively.

“I never came… I know I never came to the medicine cat’s den. But that was because I wasn’t allowed... Right? I know I wasn’t. You never gave me permission to... But I wanted to see you, and- and – go see you. I didn’t. Because - you were busy. You were working. This den is your working space. I knew, still know, I couldn’t interrupt you during your work. I didn’t want to. Because I've never wanted to get in your way. So, I thought… I thought it would be better to let you tell me when I could come to see you, to wait for your permission to enter this den.”
She looked up through teary eyes, cheek fur growing wet little by little as every dreaded tear drop silently fell.

“Was that wrong…? To respect you, and your work, and your duty to the clan? I never complained about you working. I never once did. I always understood. I still do… But we barely spoke, not since you promised you'd come back to me. Not until barely a moon ago, mama. And – I did try to reach out to you, before. I did. Do you remember…? With – with Fogkit. You had those new scars. He was hiding behind you, in your den. I came to you. Nightshiver said I could. You looked so different. Your eyes have looked so different ever since. You didn’t – you didn’t feel, maybe… But I was there, right next to you, mama. I spoke to you. I was concerned, mama. Concerned. But you didn’t notice. Not once. All you did was care about Fogkit, your duty. And I… I respect that, mama. But I thought, maybe, just maybe... You would come to see me when you had a bit of time, maybe. To answer my question. I hoped you might… You didn’t.”

Breathe. She glanced over at her little siblings.

“And... Them. You didn't tell me about them. You just... Brought them into the nursery one day. I didn’t know where they came from, but – but – You and Nightshiverwere saying they're my little siblings. Just like..."
She paused. Later.
"You didn't tell me about Darkfall yourself either, he had to come to me."
And that didn't quite go well, she still remembered. 'I don't have a father', is all she had told the tom before leaving him.

“You know, mama... They took my nest, when – When you brought them in… You put them in our nest. And you stayed with them, for a little while."
She was so quick to leave then too.
"But I didn’t fit inside any more. I had to build a new nest, I - couldn’t even… Couldn’t even stay in the nest I used to share with you. Because they were in it. And, after you left? I saw them – all the time, they were always going to and from your den. Why... Could they? Why... Were they allowed to, but not me...? Or – or were they being disobedient…? I don’t understand.., mama. I don’t understand what you want from me. You’ve been, been so… confusing."
Mind games, the word reappeared in her mind.
"One moment you’re warm. And kind. And… Everything nice. Like.. Like when you promised to always come back to me, and- and- when you let me watch you train Flashpaw. Remember? But – then the next.., you’re not. You’re ignoring me."

After she left the nursery, during the meeting with Fogkit, the thirteen taking her nest, their… Apprentice ceremonies.

"Did you.. even notice me, during our ceremonies? Did you care…? I – I called for you, you know. Maybe… Not loud enough, I... didn’t want to be disruptive. I didn’t want to interrupt Miss Grandmama. But, but… I hoped you'd have noticed. Noticed me looking. But.., you didn't. Right? I-if you’d have looked my way. Even just once after the ceremonies were done. You’d have seen me. You’d have noticed me, but…”
She trailed off, eyes glancing over the remaining crowd.
“You were too busy with them.”

A glance at the thirteen. Sorrowful and hurt eyes looked back at mama.

“You made it clear, then, after the meeting. You were so cold. So distant. You made it clear, I… I know you favoured them. Even now. You make it clear. And... I’m sorry, mama. I don’t mean to be rude. It's just… So much. I don't want to be a burden to you.”

She fell silent for a few moments, hesitant.
Did mama think she was selfish too? Was that part of the reason why...? Sleepypaw didn't want to be selfish... She didn't want mama to think she was selfish. She wanted mama to love her. She wanted... It was all she asked. Love. Care. But...

“...Why did you withhold so much, mama..? Daykit, your family - the one, that isn't Miss Grandmama. Who... Are they? Did they know, is that what you were telling Bleedingkit about the other day..? I just - did.. You not want me to know...? Why?”

She paused again. Her voice shook.
“...I love you, mama. I really do."

The kittens with her. She glanced down at the for a moment. All those faces. Darkfall. Quietpaw. Heronpaw. Birdpaw. Cinderpaw. Bleedingkit. Mama. So many faces. She couldn't take it anymore. She shame, the pain. Tears spilled from her eyes against her will and vehemently she tried with whatever force she could to stop them, to wipe them away, to act like they weren't there. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! The words got stuck in her throat. The pain. Miss Grandmama. She wanted to go back to Miss Grandmama and hide in her den. Few came there. She wanted out, to leave, stop LOOKING at her! She couldn't take this anymore!

"I - I'm sorry, mama, I -"
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe.
"I'm sorry."
It was all too much. Too difficult. Mama didn't love her. Mama didn't want her. That's how it was. Right? That's how it was. They were here pride and joy. They were her perfection. She was nothing. She was a mess-up. Something that shouldn't have been. Something that shouldn't exist. Something that tried to be perfect in every way you could possibly imagine, but failed so miserably. Crashed and burned beneath the single truth her mind made up - the single lie that blinded her every word.

She was standing. She was walking, pacing. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. Out. Out. Out. A pained look at her mama. Tears streaming from her eyes. I'm sorry. Gone. The constraints of the den were disappearing behind her back, but the horror of being exposed to the clan made her slink into the shadows. The shadows she hid between, hoping to get to Miss Grandmama's den without being seen - hoping to get anywhere without being seen. She was a failure. A mistake. A burden. A fool.


[ @Rose @Rani @Dark @stag @Mica @Morrigan @Neptune. @Poprock ]

[Poprock]

Moonpawsprite2.png
Moonpaw
Apprentice || He/him || 6 Moons || Purrks: Chill of death

When Momma had called him and his squad of haters into her super stinky den, he had been expecting something wildly different. A giant cuddle pile was what he had hoped for first, second maybe a race to prove who the best sibling is (Moonpaw). When he dashed into the den and saw Momma had a bad case of the blehs, he knew almost instantly this conversation as going to be unlike any other.

Bleedingkit, a secret sibling. Moonpaw’s amber gaze narrowed as he analyzed the new baby. He didn’t look like the rest of the siblings; spotted golden fur stood out against the sea of black and grays like the sun stands out against a stormy sky. He didn’t smell like a sibling either, something Moonpaw wrinkled his little nose at. But Moonpaw was nothing if not understanding. Bleedingkit probably hadn’t taken a bath in a long time! That would explain the smell. And the golden pelt was probably because he laid in the sun for too long. Ya! Once someone other than Mama gave him a bath he would blend in amongst the other Arks perfectly! And then Moonpaw could have a sibling who wasn’t super weird!

“Hello! We should play together soon!” Graciously, the apprentice offered his new sibling a wave and a bright smile. Moonpaw could mold Bleeding into his second in command, a perfect companion to unleash upon his evil sisters when they felt like being annoying. Another brother was gonna be awesome!
He tried to ignore the way Momma claimed Bleeding as hers and hers alone. Ignore Bird’s freaky imitation of Momma’s voice. Ignore the way Pops said nothing about the secret sibling. He just… deflated. Like he was sad. Moonpaw wanted to run over to his Dad and tackle him, tackle the sadness and EAT IT so Pops was happy again. But Momma wasn’t done talking, so Moonpaw sat still(ish) and listened.

Smokekit. His brother, his oldest full blood brother, was dead. What did that even mean??? Did Smokekit do something??? Was he being punished??? “Why?” He squeaked, hoping it was louder to the others than it was in his head. What did it mean to be dead??

Was that what he had felt? Two moons ago when he felt like he was left out in the snow for moons and had a sinking feeling that Momma was hurt… had it been Smokekit’s death he had felt? The apprentice shivered. It was such a horrible, terrifying feeling… was that what Smokekit felt? Was that what death felt like??? And where did Smokekit go? What happened to his body?? Who bit his body? “What did he do? Who bit him? What happens to Smoke now???” So many questions, too little answers, zero time. Momma had already moved on with her speech. Heron, Bird, and Mire had apparently already known. Quiet didn’t seem to care. Moonpaw felt sick.

When was the last time he had even thought about Smoke? During their apprentice ceremony all he had thought about was himself. About his future. His mentor. He knew something had happened and did nothing. When Auntie Nightshiver comforted him, he knew it wasn’t just a sickness he had felt… but he still chose to do nothing. And now his brother was dead. Maybe he didn't deserve to be sad...

Suddenly Bleedingkit’s sudden appearance made Moonpaw angry. Was he just a replacement? Was Momma gonna forget Smoke just like that? His amber gaze shot over to Pops - trying to gauge his reaction. But Pops seemed to be just as sad and angry as he was. So Moonpaw didn’t bother hiding the storm of emotions. He was terrified of the words Momma was speaking, like she was disappointed in her kits. In him. He was disgusted with himself for ignoring Smoke until it was too late. Angry at Bleeding and Momma for wanting to replace Smoke. Sad for his Papa. Sick. Enraged. Heartbroken.

But Momma still wasn't done. She continued on to call him (who he thought was her favorite) lax, selfish, ungrateful. For having siblings, none of which Moonpaw asked for. For having a father who cheered his name at the Shadowledge, which Moonpaw didn't realize wasn't allowed. For having a mother who was a medicine cat, which Moonpaw couldn't control. For simply existing. Momma was fine to give them all up, to give Moonpaw up... simply because they were born into a world that loved them. To sever a bond he had never known was strained in the first place. The spotted apprentice couldn't hold himself upright anymore. His legs crumpled like paper, sending his chonky body down to the dirt. White paws shot up to cover his ears while watery amber eyes snapped shut. I can't... I can't.... I can't take it anymore!!!

How was a child supposed to listen to their mother give them such a horrible ultimatum? How could he listen to his father desperately defend himself when they all knew it was pointless? How could he listen to his siblings cry out for their mothers love when she so clearly didn't want them anymore?

"STOP IT!" He shouted to anyone who would listen, shaking like a leaf. He wasn't sure how long he had been cowering on the floor, but it was long enough for Sleepypaw to say her peace. He still could not rise to his paws, but lifting his head and staring at his beloved mother should be enough"Momma we love you!!! Isn't that enough!! Papa loves you, I love you... why would we chose anyone else??? Do you just want to get rid of us? 'Cause you found someone better?" He snapped his head to where Bleedingkit was laying his head on Moonpaw's mother's paw.

A sudden burst of energy that he had thought died with the loss of Smokekit. Shooting forward on shaky legs, Moonpaw got as close to Bleedingkit as he (or Lostspark) would let him. If no one stopped him fast enough he would even try shoving the kitten off of her. "WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE? THERE'S PLENTY OF OTHER MOMMA'S OUT THERE. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEECH ONTO MY MOMMA? NOW WE'RE BROKEN! He hated Bleedingkit. With every fiber of his being. And he hated Lostspark for being so ready to say goodbye to her real children.

He backed up from Lostspark and her new favorite, gaze focused on his mother. He couldn't voice the betrayal and utter anguish he was feeling towards her... not yet. No matter how destroyed he felt, she was still his mother. Nothing would ever change that. He could never voice how much he hated her in this moment. So he turned his back and scurried over to Darkfall. If his father let him, Moonpaw would burrow himself underneath the warrior's paws. A barrier between the apprentice and that leech his mother loved so much. Darkfall wouldn't betray him too.... right?

@Dark - Darkfall / @vellichor - Larkkit / @iliri - Sootpaw / @Estelle - Sleepypaw / @stag - Heronpaw / @taillow - Mirepaw / @Mica - Birdpaw / @Eden - Wispypaw / @Morrigan - Quietpaw / @Rose - Lostspark / @SuspiciousMindz - Rainpaw / @panchiko - Rainykit / @furrensic - Quillpaw / @Neptune. - Cinderpaw / @Rani - Bleedingkit YA KAT I STOLE YOUR MENTIONS LIST WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT

[furrensic]

QUILLPAW
he/him. 6 moons. dark grey tom; tabby markings; light grey markings, amber and blue eyes.
[ no purrks ]

quillpaw wasn't entirely sure what he was expecting when Mama called him and all his siblings (plus papa) into her den. it certainly wasn't a new brother, though. bleedingkit is his name, and in the apprentice's opinion – he looks more like a sunkit than anything, with his golden fur that makes him stick out like a sore paw in the sea of black and grey. he was a mere baby, squishy looking and all. quill offers a simple smile at the itty bitty baby. "hi, bleedingkit!"

heterochromatic gaze sweeps across his sea of siblings, gauging their reactions to their new brother. for the most part, it seems bleedingkit gets ignored, only getting a greeting from a select few of his sibs. and papa? well, he just looks..soggy.

the tabby's eyes narrow in something akin to confusion and curiosity as mama brings up smokekit. which, now that he looks around, smokekit isn't here. was he even there at the meeting?? according to mama, smoke was dead. something that quillpaw didn't have a full grasp on, something his brain couldn't quite process. dead?? his forelegs quiver despite his attempts to stand tall, a lump forming in his throat preventing him from speaking. was.. smokekit? not? coming back?? and why would someone bite him? he was not prey.

his gaze falls to the ground as he tries to steel himself. he's vaguely aware of his siblings words, heronpaw's bitter ones, moony's confusion. mama continuing to go on, she says she loves him; she loves all his siblings. his throat suddenly feels as dry as a desert at mama's words of reaching out. guilt, then anger. what kit wouldn't want to see their mother or father? to know their own parents, to call them a friend? simply spend time with them?? his eyes finally leave the ground, locking onto his mother.

he blinks, watching mama round on papa. had she not chosen this job? being a medicine cat? his ears twitch in indignation. couldn't she had just told grandma she didn't want such a demanding job? his gaze flickers towards papa. he spits venomous words filled with an anger that quillpaw didn't even know existed. he doesn't even notice his maw curling into a cringe, a sense of.. disgust, almost, filling him as he watches his parents play the blame game. how old were they? and what made them think that arguing about their failed relationship in front of their kits was a good idea?

according to mama, they are all lax. ungrateful. spoiled, simply because they were born in shadowclan with two parents who loved them (or so they say). the disgust grows stronger as lostspark gives him and his siblings the choice to get a new mother. how childish.

"yous chose to keep us." quillpaw points out, bitterly. couldn't she have just given them away, if they were such spoiled, ungrateful little kits? if she felt that they all hated her? "aint its your job as the parent to reach out to your kits? why was it up to us?? yous act like yous were forced to look over the whole clan! in reality, yous have a choice!" he couldn't understand any of it. his paws feel unsteady, and he really just wants to walk away.

"for someone who claims to love their kits so much, yous sure are ready to say goodbye to us." he spits, venom dripping from his words. he loves both of his parents – how could he not? he was a combination of the two of them. only in his features are they still together. a testament of their failed love. "yous and papa both have some issues, I don't even think the two of yous were ready to be parents."

@Dark - Darkfall / @vellichor - Larkkit / @iliri - Sootpaw / @Estelle - Sleepypaw / @stag - Heronpaw / @taillow - Mirepaw / @Mica - Birdpaw / @Eden - Wispypaw / @Morrigan - Quietpaw / @Rose - Lostspark / SuspiciousMindz - Rainpaw / @panchiko - Rainykit / @Poprock - moonpaw / @Neptune. - Cinderpaw / @Rani - Bleedingkit