Inner turmoil [va]

[Kix]

TW; Depression, self-harm, distress, blood


You could be another face that

I forget soon as I move along

Everybody makes mistakes

am I mistaken for the way I carry on?

____________________________

The farthest corner possible in the apprentice's den, with all the neatly done nests sat a mottled large apprentice. The den was desolate inside, and quiet so very quiet that you could hear the ongoings outside of said den. But that didn't matter to the molly at this very moment, not when she was pressed as close to the wall as physically possible. This wasn't like her at all, normally she would be out and about, making sure no one started fights or if someone needed her help. She was a lionheart after all, it was her duty to the clan to instill peace and order in the clan. But it was all so hard to do so with all those ass's out there right now, with all the chaos. The paw had chased lionpaw out of the den once she had been finished with his putrid attitude towards her. How lucky that her slapping him into the ground was all that she had done to him. How lucky he didn't have to deal with the stares she got when she tried to order someone around or the reactions to it. No, all he dealt with was getting lectured about his little, I'm better than you, attitude he had going on.

You could show a little grace

but maybe things just went a bit too far

She stood there, facing the wall of the den most of her front pressed against the wall. Forehead leaning against the wall applying pressure to it later she'd be sore on the same spot but for now, she didn't feel it. She didn't understand anything at all, no one out there made any sense. They all spewed respect but yet when she held a special rank, she'd get none of it. First Frostfeather tries to treat her like a child when it comes to handling clan matters. Who cared if she still had paw in her name, she was a Lionheart, she had some authority! She couldn't understand it, she tried countless times trying to prove she was leadership material and that she could handle the stress. scratch a paw came up to grip her ears folding them into themselves, having to block out the clan chat. Not with the recent chaos that had just gone on. It was all too much, so very much going on, how long could she go on like this?

Sometimes the world feels loud

So I'll kick my shoes off and run

She could faintly hear and recognize one voice, in particular, Goldfish, them so much anger built up in her. She wanted to go out there and rip their nose off their ugly face! How dare she?! HOW DARE SHE?! They took a swing at her first, and yet she was the child?! She was doing her job trying to maintain order and take control of the situation that was already hectic. What else was she supposed to do when another clans leader just invited themselves into your home?! Goldfish wasn't helping at all just going around harassing people asking if they needed help. No, no they needed to care for the younger members of the clan. She had her fair share of witnessing stuff she shouldn't have when she was a kit, the newer generation shouldn't suffer like that. They were the future after all, right? Yeah, that's right, they were the future, they learned from the older ones from their mistakes. The mottled molly had only snapped at Goldfish and someone else to go gather the kits and get them back into the den. Yet again, she wasn't listened to, she was disregarded her words were meaningless in these warrior's eyes. Why did her suffix have to matter when it came to logic, why did they only seem to care about the paw in her name?!

She didn't get it
she didn't get it
She would never understand it all.

Drip

Dull green eyes blinked blankly as they stared at the ground beneath them, at the red crimson drops on the ground. Without realizing it she had dug her claws into her head trying so hard to block out the loud voices outside. She was sure that she should be feeling the pain of breaking skin but she still felt numb to it. So numb she didn't even notice the wet fur underneath her eyes as she silently cried. Was this a breakdown or something? Was she finally not able to control herself anymore? Who knows, the numb feeling overwhelmed everything at the moment. Thinking was becoming too much, it was so much effort to do anything at the very moment. Slowly she brought her somewhat bloodied claws down to the ground letting go of the grip she had on her head. Silently she wiped her paw across the dirt below, smearing the drops of blood to clear it away. Her act was over for now, once she left this den she would have to put on her tough girl act. Why did the act of having responsibility feel so heavy, it felt like she had a full-grown cat just standing on top of her.

It was all too much.

Heavy as the setting sun

Oh, I'm counting all the numbers between zero and one
Happy, but a little lost