the past can come back as a nightmare [P]

[Luna16]

White-tipped, pale silver ears turned at the sound of her name. Pelt still dripping, breath still coming in huffs, Irisdream turned her head. There, in the darkness, she recognized Wavebreaker. Did she summon him somehow? Did her thoughts bring him to her? Or perhaps her pained plea to the stars? Either way, she wasn't sure what to say to him. She was vaguely aware that he asked her a question, echoes of the words reverberated in her mind. But she wasn't sure how to answer, or if she even still had the strength left to do so. She was tired. So very tired of this same struggle. She could see his pain, and that he was struggling, and knew that his feelings and words were desperate and sincere.

Irisdream gathered what strength she could muster to close the distance, aware of a faint rumbling in the sky. A storm is coming... How ironic. Regardless, she didn't have the will power to shout back. She stopped when they were only a tail-length apart, a shiver passing through her body as the wind hit her still wet fur. Her paws were filthy, still stained with wet earth and shreds of grasses and flowers that she had mutilated in her rage and torment. But her head hung lower with the weight of her exhaustion, tail drooping. She didn't even have the strength to care for her appearance and composure in this moment. She felt...utterly alone and defeated. "Why..." She repeated his question, as though gathering herself. She was too exhausted to try and shield him from what was to come, but she was already prepared for him to not understand.

"You've probably been asking yourself that question a lot over the moons." She mused, a small grim and dark smile crossing her maw. "Oh Wavebreaker..." A longing crossed into her mew. "You've never understood. And you still don't understand. You still don't see me, even after all this time." She stated this as fact, a regretful heavy fact that she wished could be different. Irisdream didn't know it, nor would she have been able to block it, but all of the pain from the moons past of Wavebreaker asking "why" and not understanding pooled into her eyes now. Another exhausted tremble shuddering through her body.

No longer able to support herself standing, she slumped back and practically fell onto her haunches. Probably one of the most ungraceful movements of her entire life. Not that she had the strength to care, but it did cause her to momentarily chuckle at the irony. "Guess it'll be always be that way, huh mother? Just your little Iris, never able to achieve the perfect bloom you always sought." She mumbled to herself, her expression glazed with a far-off look. She blinked and life returned to her eyes, but it was still dimmed with exhaustion as she turned to look at Wavebreaker again. The thunder that was previously rumbling in the distance grew closer. "You ask me 'why' but have you ever once bothered to ask yourself?" She countered. "Search your memories Wavebreaker. For once, without the biased view you always had of my family, of my mother especially. You always held us up on some kind of pedestal without realizing that it was made of rotten wood."

Her forelegs trembled now from baring her weight, and she allowed them to slide out from under her. Resting her head between her paws, Irisdream didn't care that she was getting mud on her face. If it rains, it'll just wash off. She let out a long sigh. "You've never understood...you never saw the truth that was right in front of your nose. And that's exactly why..." Her voice trailed off. That's exactly why we never worked... Irisdream couldn't bring herself to finish the statement. No matter what, she couldn't bring herself to say something knowing how much pain it would cause Wavebreaker. Despite everything, despite everything she told herself, whether she ever loved him as a mate or not she still cared for him. Wavebreaker has always been unwavering, always trying his best. She knew the words she's said already would sting enough without rubbing salt into the wounds they left. There was no need to say anymore. With a feeling of more loneliness than she's felt in a long time, Irisdream closed her eyes. Her eyelids felt so heavy...everything felt so very heavy...

And pointless.

What was the use in continuing to struggle? If Wavebreaker was right, and she was no better than Pebblestorm, then Kitepaw would be better off without her. So would Wavebreaker. If she weren't around, he'd be able to live the rest of his life peacefully with Kitepaw and without spending all of this time questioning himself and tormenting himself trying to understand. He'd be able to keep the memories of her family in tact in his heart. ".... Nevermind." She murmured. "Don't...don't undo what you have of them for my sake." She wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth losing the images of her family that gave him strength. Once more, Irisdream didn't say the final words to her thought out loud. She couldn't bring herself to. Coward...how pathetic. In the end, she wasn't surprised. Pebblestorm had been right all along, she was far too weak and selfish to protect him.