let's talk war [p]

[val]

Alderstep sighed. While stubborn didn't service right, it somewhat described Yarrowcrest. He clung to his ideals, and the russet doubted he'd sway his opinion. It wasn't his business to do so, anyways. if the younger warrior wanted to play pacifist, he could. He just didn't know how long it would last, or if it would survive the war. Could it be jaded? Yarrowcrest came off as the resilient type; Alderstep doubted it.

"Nothing bothers me anymore," he replied monotonously. He supposed that Yarrowcrest saw this on the individual scale. If the individual did nothing to provoke one of them, why should they pay in their blood? At least, that was what he thought Yarrowcrest was reasoning. So, in theory, the other warrior was saying that because the individual had done no crime, they should not be punished. He could see the reasoning behind that.

Technically, the concept of ThunderClan was fighting the concept of ShadowClan, and everyone was expected to fight because of their concept of loyalty. Sounded silly, when it was phrased like that. But that was how war worked: in concepts. It was nearly impossible to have a valid vendetta against everyone within a clan you hardly knew.

But had they not tried to take Sunkissed Creek? Retaliation was expected, no, deserved. What reason did they have to need the creek, when they surely had good amounts of territory? ThunderClan didn't, because of the sinkholes. They needed that creek, and every blade of grass within their borders to support everyone in the clan.

He shook his head faintly, looking back down at Yarrowcrest. "Don't idolize me," he snapped, then softened his tone slightly. "It's gonna do you no favors. Besides, you aren't alone. There are a lot more cats with soft hearts here than you'd think."

As an afterthought, Alderstep added, "If you don't want to fight, don't. I'm not gonna force you to throw your conscience away. Someone else will, though." He didn't know if that was a warning. Maybe it was one, but he hadn't originally intended it to be one. Alderstep curled his tail over his paws, lost. Yarrowcrest had made a mistake in coming to him for help, that was for sure.

That wasn't him selfishly whining because he didn't get to sleep in, it was just the truth. Alderstep was the wrong place to look for comfort in these trying times. He couldn't fix Yarrowcrest's blank, resigned stare, and he couldn't save him from the worst of it.

Hell, Alderstep would be surprised if he himself even lived to the next moon.

@silverwynds

[silver.]

yarrowcrest // he/him // 17 moons
purrks active: mind reader

---

What was his problem? Alderstep was hellbent on pushing every cat away from him, despite being deputy. Though the title meant nothing when you were dead, didn't it mean anything to him? Cats were going to go to him for advice. It probably happened more often than not. Responsibility aside, Yarrowcrest couldn't understand why he just... Stars above, it was like he wanted him to hate him. And the younger cat didn't want to hate him. A feeling of safety manifested in his presence. He couldn't explain it. Though typically harsh, with biting words and a look that could kill, there was a kind heart in him. Yarrowcrest was sure of it. And once he's able to break through the wall he keeps trying to build up around himself, maybe it wouldn't be so hard for him to show it. If this conversation did anything for him, it did ease his nerves. Yes, he still stares forlorn at the ground, but his tone wasn't as shaky and his fur wasn't as puffed up.

"If I wanted to talk to other cats, I would have. I wanted to talk to you." It was uncomfortable to be so upfront with his feelings but it seemed as though this was the only way to get through to the mouse-brained tabby. "I don't idolize you. I respect you. I want to do well by you. And I don't really care if you don't want me to."

Battle looms once more and his expression darkens, stare hardening and his claws digging anxiously into the dirt. No matter what happened he wasn't going to abandon his morals. Certainly he wouldn't be killed for something like that, right? Because if so he'd rather die at the paw of some Shadowclan warrior. At least then we could rest easily when he takes his place amongst Starclan. Look at him, thinking about dying... There was no way he was the only one dreading it. But these thoughts badgered him too often as of late.

"Either of us could die tomorrow. And if that were to happen I'd want to at least know that we were friends. I'm sure you're not much a fan of me, but I consider you a friend." Sad eyes return to meet the other's, ears laying back as he tries to get a read on Alderstep as he speaks. "Thank you for talking to me. It really did help, even if you don't think it did. It's hard not to give into fear. I think talking about it makes it feel... I don't know. More real? More unavoidable?"

alderstep // @navarra
[ #fire ]
433 words = 43 pts.

[val]

Stars, not this again. Alderstep backtracked in his mind, trying to find what slip-up had sent Yarrowcrest back down the path of stubbornly professing his respect for him annoyingly. It had been the 'don't idolize me,' hadn't it? Alderstep resisted the urge to bash his skull against the den walls in his irritation. Disregarding all his own mistakes, Alderstep could easily identify the kid's determination to 'do well by him' as a bloody awful blunder. His standards were unattainable, either because they were too low or too high. It wasn't his mistake to correct, though. He felt bad for the kid. He should try to impress somebody with better morals than his own.

Yarrowcrest's mood seemed to sour even more. Stars, what the actual hell was the kid thinking of? He hardly knew the other cat, but he definitely did not think he always looked so...pathetic. The kid was more like a ball of anxious energy and wit than whatever this was. Alderstep had half a mind to poke him or something to bring him out of his thoughts, since obviously whatever was going on in the kid's mind was doing him no good.

Oh, great. Nothing like feeling queasy so early in the day. Alderstep averted his eyes, not wanting to stare into Yarrowcrest's sadness. He'd rather him not call them friends. Did he know...? Obviously not. All his friends ended up disappearing or dying, but he'd never get the closure to know if the latter was true. It was as if Yarrowcrest was dictating his death sentence, closing it off, sealing the deal, going off to die, or something because nothing good ever comes out of getting close to Alderstep. Doesn't matter if it was his direct fault, because the grief and guilt were still there. Stars, Yarrowcrest was a dead cat walking.

If he died tomorrow, then he died tomorrow. If Yarrowcrest died tomorrow, it was in some way his fault and Alderstep could never live with himself for it. He wasn't really living with himself right now, anyway.; there were too many lost souls on his conscience to pull his life together enough for that.

All that, and no words from Alderstep. He didn't want to say it. "Yeah," he said instead. And then he flipped it around, suddenly and stiltedly because he never could carry a conversation well. "You still look sad." Blunt, to-the-point, sharpened claws. Do words hurt, too? Alderstep didn't mean for them to, not this time. He only wanted to know why.

@silverwynds

[silver.]

yarrowcrest // he/him // 17 moons
purrks active: mind reader

---

Sad.

Was he sad? He couldn't really tell. If he had to place a name to the feeling it was closer to numbness, maybe. The numbness that spreads down to his toes makes it impossible for him to even begin trying to mask the thoughts lurking underneath his pathetic, pitiful gaze. Those words... Those words make him want to huddle close and confess every single fear that's been nipping at his heels for the past moon. Then it hits him. And all at once he looks like he's on the verge of tears. Tears he wouldn't dare let escape, lest he pushes Alderstep away again. All he wanted was to not look weak in front of the deputy and here he was. Acting like a kit. Again.

For the past few moons he's felt lonelier than he ever has. He understands why now, though. Sparrowfur was always at his side. He would forever be thankful for her support and her care. But there were things his dear friend couldn't give him. He can still remember the day the news of his parent's death was delivered. How tight his chest had gotten, how the breath was squeezed from his lungs... Just mere days before his warrior ceremony. They never got to share their pride with him. Only could watch from their place in Starclan as he was bestowed with the honor of becoming a warrior. The honor of receiving his name. And now that he stares at Alderstep he realizes that he's been placing unfair expectations upon him. They didn't even know each other that well. The stubbornness, the pushiness, the overbearing concern... Maybe he should apologize.

Swallowing his feelings once more, he makes a silent, desperate attempt to recollect himself. He didn't need to go crying and make himself look even weaker than he was.

"If I'm being honest, I am still sad."

Words tumble from his mouth before he has a chance to stop himself. What an idiot. If he was going to undo all his work of bottling back up, why did he bother to say anything at all? A sigh follows after and he once again tries as hard as he can to regain his usual composure. The Yarrowcrest that was better with his words and careful with them, too.

"I suppose I'm just in my head. But I doubt you want to listen to a sob story. Everyone has one, after all, it doesn't make me special."

alderstep // @navarra
[#fire ]
411 words = 41 pts.

[val]

Great stars and moon above, now the kid was even sadder now. Stop stop stop stop, oh stars, Alderstep hadn't meant to make Yarrowcrest even more upset. He had no idea what he was supposed to do; how he was supposed not to screw this up even more. Clearly, trying to pat the kid on the head or something wouldn't help, even if it was the only thing that came to his mind.

Empathy, for all it was worth, only stretched so far. Alderstep could sit and listen, but he couldn't comfort. That didn't come naturally to him; his understanding was already poor enough that it would be even more difficult. The words wouldn't reach his tongue, so he stared at Yarrowcrest, hunching over slowly as if the burden of the kid's soul was being laid across his shoulders. He didn't mind.

But at least Yarrowcrest wasn't lying to him. "Maybe everyone does have something that makes them sad. Doesn't change the fact they're sad, yeah?" Alderstep shrugged and fixed his posture. "And where else would you be? In your tail?" He snorted in amusement at his own sarcastic joke, but held back the 'don't be daft' that wanted to work its way out as well. Insulting the kid probably would do him no good at the moment, so Alderstep chose to keep the sting out of his words.

@silverwynds

[silver.]

yarrowcrest // he/him // 17 moons
purrks active:

---

At this point he knows better than to be overly thankful. Even if he felt that so incredibly grateful. I mean, look at them. Last time they spoke he was toeing the line of hostility but now Alderstep was making an attempt to crack a joke. Or at least Yarrowcrest figured it was a joke. By the lack of bite to his words it was a good assumption. He was right though. Everyone had a reason to be sad and if they didn't they were lying. So him feeling like this was allowed. For now. The deputy's words are comforting enough-- he didn't need to do much more than be here. This conversation had started over the idea of war, sure, but now that he's spiraled into the fear that's been gnawing so aggressively at him he's glad that war was no longer the topic. For moons he's held his little feelings locked up in his chest. It felt nice to admit that he was sad.

The way the other hunches though... This was weighing heavily on him, too, wasn't it? If not this then something else that was maybe on his mind. Yarrowcrest wouldn't pressure him to speak of his own fears and sadness in fear of starting at square one, but he would do his best to pick up his own pieces. Alderstep didn't deserve to have to carry them both. Stars know that he's been looking out for himself for this long-- he could manage.

"It'd be a problem if I were in my tail... Unless you're saying I'm brainless. Which wouldn't be a terrible assumption."

Was he attempting to joke back? Maybe. Hopefully the sarcasm was well received. However, ever so slowly, he begins to creep closer, hoping that the other wouldn't notice. He was tired, right? Perhaps they could get some sleep? His rest this past evening had been broken and exhausting...

alderstep // @navarra
[ #fire ]
317 words = 31 pts.

[val]

Ewwww. Yarrowcrest was trying to make him smile - and it was almost working, dammit! Alderstep contorted his expression into a stubborn grimace, desperate to keep the smirk off his face as he let out an accidental snort of amusement. Oh, hell. This kid, along with all the others, would be the death of him.

With a blunt shake of his head, Alderstep snarked mirthfully, "Brainless was my first impression of you." Untrue. Yarrowcrest had come off more as a timid rabbit than a dumb pigeon at first. Looking at the warrior now, Alderstep wasn't too sure what the kid was. Bold and sarcastic? Sad? (duh.) Shy and reserved? Who knows. It varied on the mood and circumstance, it seemed. Alderstep shuttered off his curiosity, intent on not analyzing the kid like a piece of prey he was about to eat. Bad analogy, in retrospect.

At least the kit seemed less sad now. Maybe he'd done something right, or maybe Yarrowcrest was just good at resolving his problems. Alderstep couldn't relate. Crisis averted? Probably not. He was rarely a fix-all to anybody's issues.

Awake now, Alderstep could practically feel the tug of his duties, grasping the ends of his fur and pulling him out of his sleepy haze. Things had to get done. He stretched his spine, arching up with a deep yawn. Lazy mornings were overrated anyway.

@silverwynds

[silver.]

yarrowcrest // he/him // 17 moons
purrks active: mind reader

---

Well so much for that idea. As Alderstep begins to stretch himself to life, Yarrowcrest's ears droop a bit, saddened by the fact that he could no longer inch his way closer for a maybe well-deserved rest at the other cat's side. Sparrowfur no where to be found, it would have been nice to have a comforting warmth against his flank as he tried desperately to fight some peaceful rest back from the claws of anxiety. Stopping where he's now sat, he tilts his head at the tabby, eyes now with a glint of curiosity.

"Are you getting up now? You look tired. We could try to get a bit more rest. And then whatever you need done, I could help you with?"

alderstep // @navarra
( sorry for the short lil reply my brain is soup but i love alder raahh )

[val]

"And you look sad," Alderstep retorted, shaking his head in disbelief. How this guy could just swing from being anxious about war to wanting to help him because he looked 'tired' amazed him. He just woke up or something like that; of course, he's going to look sleepy. If anything, Yarrowcrest should be the one getting rest right now.

Anyway, Yarrowcrest was suspiciously trying to help out. Alderstep shot him a sharp look as he spoke. "You don't have to help me with anything to prove yourself after this, you know that, right?" He narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing the younger cat. Maybe it wasn't a matter of pride, though. It could be that Yarrowcrest was looking for a distraction from his thoughts.

@silverwynds not as much as i love yarrow raaaahhh

[silver.]

yarrowcrest // he/him // 17 moons
purrks active: mind reader

---

The young warrior simply offers a small smile, doing his best to will the lingering sadness from his gaze. In truth he was still sad. He was still scared, anxious, stressed... He was still all of those things. And he probably will always be all of those things every moment of every day. That's just how he was. But talking to the deputy had definitely helped-- and went better than he anticipated. Offering a quiet laugh, he reaches forward to playfully bat at Alderstep's shoulder.

"Doing my best to understand that. I wish it were as simple as willing it away." Paw returning back to it's spot in front of him, his smile grows a little stronger. "I'm offering because I want to help you. Part of it might be wanting to prove myself, sure, but over anything else I am here to support you. I'm sure your responsibilities as of late have been exhausting."

Alderstep had a will of steel, that was for sure. Yarrowcrest wasn't sure if he could manage all this war business on top of patrols and gatherings and battles and hunting and... Ack. He shakes those thoughts from his head before it sends him into a panic.

"What will you do now? Rest? Or get to business?" Please say rest.

alderstep // @navarra
( UMM??? IMPOSSIBLE??? )