Whispering Wetlands

[dionysus]

[ @Arie ]

The stone-cold facade stayed strong as Breezefeather beckoned Rushingmoor away from the border and the golden toyger mix managed to keep it up even as the other cat poked at his pain. A piece of him hated shutting out the tom whom he’d felt himself befriending, but it wasn’t enough to break down his resolve to be emotionless- not until Breezefeather’s own story met the cold air.

Rushingmoor’s blank face faltered and formed a frown as he saw the apparitions of a mangled body and a grieving apprentice. He hadn’t known that about Breezefeather but grieved for the younger version of the Tom- no one should have to go through that. He grieved too for this version before him with a hint of haunting in his eyes.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Breezefeather. That must have been terrible for you and no one deserves that.”

Further proof that Rushingmoor’s own problems were ridiculous. He had no right to feel anything in the face of such pain. It wasn’t like he’d lost someone- he had no one to lose, after all.

“As for me... I have come to realize that I’ve been living in a fantasy. I tried to build something that I’d never had before but other cats aren’t stories to be told. I can’t make someone love me... I can’t make anyone need me. I suppose realizations such as those can never be painless.”

[Arie]

-- @Beau --

Good, he was talking. Although Breezefeather didn't particularly liked to dwell into his past, that at least he had come to terms with. He knew his mother was dead, and that she was thriving up in Starclan at least... but this was not to concern him, this was about Rushingmoor who it seemed had been prompted by Breezefeather's own small mention of his past and it seemed the deputy's plan had worked after all... but it still hurt for everyone to hear the truth. But in a way, the fact that Rushingmoor knew what the issue is was more than Breezefeather himself had been able to... he had been too far into his sanity to even recognize that there had been an issue to start off with... which of course there was.

Moving a bit closer and just resting his tail on the other tom's shoulder he peered into the amber orbs of Rushingmoor. "Is this about Stagpaw? Or well, Stagleech now? I remember you told me that you were afraid he wasn't going to need you anymore now that he was a warrior... and I most definitely still don't believe that statement is true. Kits wander and they do leave the nest but they never fall far from the tree. He's just busy exploring the disasters he can while without a parent breathing down his neck, but he will come back to you. Trust me on this. No matter how old your children grow, be it adopted or not, they'll always need you. Because you're the one thing that stay consistent and dependent in their lives. You might not realize it yourself, but you are the one pillar in life they have. And by not believing it yourself, by withdrawing from them, you're causing both of you harm."

He knew it so well.. because it was the harm he himself had caused Bunnypaw. She was gone... and he had been one of the reasons for it. He'd not been there too support her when she needed him most, he'd abandoned her too caught up in his own misery. But such was life and you moved on from there, the younger tom just had to see it. "Realizing that your fairytale is no fairytale though, yes that always hurt. Reality is a harsh new perspective to see things in but... compared to what insanity brings you, reality feels like the warm rays of sun on a good green leaf day. You don't realize how far you've fallen until you experience what you'd lost."

[dionysus]

[ @Arie ]

Breezefeather’s words continued to puncture Rushingmoor’s resolve to remain emotionless and the tom sighed brokenly. Eventually, he melted and sat heavily on the ground, slouching as if his upper body had suddenly turned to stone and he simply couldn’t support it anymore. In a way, that was similar to what it actually felt like.

“I only came into his life when he was almost six moons old. I can’t help feeling like I inserted myself into something that didn’t need me. Stagleech was old enough that he can remember life with just Twilightstar and I’m sure it was good. She doesn’t need me and neither does he. I’ve always wondered if she resents me for that- for sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.”

A surge of emotion rose up Rushingmoor’s throat and he felt sharp tears pick at his eyes. These emotions had built up over moons and releasing them all at once felt like having the wind knocked from his body.

“I messed up, Breeze. I let myself ruin a good friendship and I fell for someone who could never feel the same. I never should have even started that friendship or stuck myself into their dynamic- I don’t know why I even did it! Selfishness? Loneliness? Self-pity? Whatever it was it was stupid and I regret it more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t walk around camp anymore without seeing the future I’ll never have. I was born to be alone I guess and I got used to it until I tried to fix it but forcing yourself into an already established family is probably the best way to get hurt and I should’ve seen it sooner. If I’m doomed to be alone why don’t I just get it over with and leave already! At least then no one will have to fake anything for me.”

A lot of what had just come from him were things he hadn’t even revealed to himself and Rushingmoor was panting and confused by the tone he was done. What was that? Why did he dump it all on Breezefeather? Stars he was such a mouse brain.

“I’m sorry for that. Look, can we just forget that that ever happened?”

[Arie]

-- @Beau --

The deputy listened on as the warrior ranted about inserting himself, about the hurt and sorrow that came with it and as the other cat spoke he remained a solemn figure, steady as one could be with his tail draped over the other cat's shoulder. "We should not forget that this has happened. I ask for it, and that should not mean you've got to apologise. I think it did you a lot of good, necessary good to have that poison expelled from your body. It was sitting close to your heart and poisoning your every thought."

And oh how he knew the hurt that it caused but one thing did confuse him. How had the warrior inserted himself into Twilightstar's life? because he fairly remembered that it was the leader who'd thrown the stupid apprentice the warrior's paws. "Do correct me if my memory fails me, but I do think she was the one who threw Stagpaw at you at his apprentice ceremony? That means that you did not insert yourself, but she wanted you there. You should not blame yourself for going into something you were invited to but neither should you feel like the others are ignoring you or does not care about you."

The romance part was probably the saddest part of the story and Breezefeather pulled the young warrior into a hug, something he felt like he needed but something the older warrior himself found reassuring, before he pulled back and gazed intently at Rushingmoor with bright green eyes. "Romance hurts... but the most important thing to remember is that it gives back just as much. Twilightstar is still young, you're both still young and while you might already have come to conclusions about how you feel about her, she likely needs a lot more time to think things through. Haven't you noticed how reluctant she is to do things, to push for changes in our clan? It's because she takes the time to think them through and go over any possible scenario."

How was he meant to put that into perspective of romance? He didn't really know but for all sakes, he would try. "I presume, knowing Twilighstar as I do, that you admitting your feelings to her, shocked her. That she did not know what to do, and didn't know what her hesitancy would do to you. No one ever tries to do something malicious by breaking someone's heart the first time. There are cats who care for you though, there are cats who want to be around you, but first, the one life long lesson that Buttercupbreeze or Brightsky whatever you may call her, when she was deputy, thaught me is that others do not want to be around you if you don't want to be around them. You'll give off this sour tone of 'leave me alone' when in reality its a front to protect you. Let others care for you, instead of presenting this stoic façade that is only going to get you into more hurt."

[dionysus]

[ @Arie ]

Breezefeather’s words rang true- Rushingmoor did feel like he’d released a poison. He’d never been poisoned, of course, but the toyger mix presumed that the healing process- ingesting yarrow and evacuating the poisoned contents of the stomach- felt similarly. Uncomfortable but ultimately relieving. What had he done to deserve a friend like Breezefeather? Not even a moon into their friendship and already the elder tom was helping to shoulder his burdens when Rushingmoor knew that his own sorrows tinged his life.

Rushingmoor blinked, reaching back in his memory to the time of his first acquaintance with Twilightstar and Stagpaw.

“I guess you’re right... she did ask me to watch him. That’s funny, I guess I forgot that. Watching Stagpaw to make sure he didn’t act up during the meeting didn’t have to turn into me thinking of him as a son, though. I’m sure she didn’t have that in mind.”

The hug startled Rushingmoor but it felt so good too. It was in that moment that Rush realized that he didn’t think he’d ever been hugged like that before. Sure, he’d hugged other cats and maybe Stagpaw had hugged him a few times as a greeting but no cat had ever taken it upon themselves to comfort him and envelop him in their embrace. Wow... he’d never thought of that before.

“You’re right. You’re right about everything, of course, but about the way Twi is. It probably was terrible for her to think of me thinking of her like that and trying to come up with a way to let me down kindly. I never expected her to love me or say she loved me- I know how she is and I know she probably never even thought of me in that light. I knew when it came out that it would take her time to sort everything out. I just regret that she ever found out. It feels like I betrayed her, Breeze. I was her friend, her coparent- I cheered her up when she was down and looked out for her and teased her and all for the price of her friendship. Then, suddenly, I upped the cost. That was never how it was meant to be but I know she trusted me as a friend and I probably ruined it by telling her I wanted more. She didn’t deserve that.”

The rest of Breezefeather’s words rang true to Rushingmoor too, though.

“You are correct in that I can’t push others away because of my own pain. It’s easier for me to be alone than to be near them and not be able to tell them how I feel. Sometimes it gets so bad I wish I could just slip away in the night and be done.”

[Arie]

-- @Beau --

A smile started to appear on the deputy's face. It seemed it had done the warrior good to just talk about what it was that had been bothering him and what he was stuck feeling like. And that made the deputy relieved as it nearly seemed like the stress was just flowing out of his body and leaving it and it was comforting... because this time he'd helped someone out instead of getting caught up in his own misery and just resting his tail on Rushingmoor's shoulder also helped him remain grounded. This was not about him, this was about the warrior who clearly had needed help and it wasn't something he minded extending. A friendly paw would always be beneficial especially if you extended it to someone in need.

"But by telling them how you feel you acknowledge that pain and you don't let it fester. I let my own pain fester, I let it drive me insane and it nearly broke me. When you've lost everything you think you cannot go deeper but by doing that you're just digging yourself a hole you cannot by any means dig yourself out of. And you need help here, and my suggestion is to start just being honest with yourself. Before you can be honest with others, you need to be honest with yourself. See what it is that's causing pain and acknowledging that it hurts. Because stars knows, this hurts. Everything in life hurts, but its what you do when it hurt that matters. By acknowledging it you can start to remove the pain from yourself. And being around others might be painful in the start, feel like its just making everything worse but having others around to support you... that's what will keep you going."

Because alone... you would fall apart. And that what had happened to him. And he did not want to see it happening to another clanmate, one who to Breezefeather had such a promising life ahead of him still. Rushingmoor might feel old but then what should he feel? Ancient? He didn't really feel his age often, outside of the fact that he was taking more time to heal from injuries and that weight had a harder time staying on but hey, that was nothing new in the depths of leafbare. "You can get over this, such as everyone does. A broken bone, or mind in this circumstance, only comes back stronger and you need to embrace that. Healing takes time but you will be able to do it by surrounding yourself with your clanmates. Clanmates who support you and will help you along the way."

[dionysus]

[ @Arie ]

Gratitude began to bloom in Rushingmoor and take the place of some of his pain, albeit not all of it. It took a long time to reach this point and it would take a long time to heal but at least now his paws were on that path- thanks to Breezefeather. The toyger mix lifted his paw and dropped it on Breeze’s shoulder to pat it it thankfully, eyes less guarded and revealing both his pain and his gratitude to the older Tom.

“For the first time in a long time I can see the sun, Breeze. You’re right in that it’s going to take some time to really come out of this but I think I have some hope... at least for right now. I do wish I could have been there for you in your moment of need. I don’t know exactly what happened but I can hear it in your voice and see it in your eyes that it still impacts you and lives in you. Just know that I am here for you as you are for me so please don’t hesitate to come to me.”

[ophelia]

@Snow Fox

Russetpaw slunk through the trees. He hadn't spoken to Foxpaw in a while. He tried to tell himself that the reason was because he had been busy with training, but mostly he knew it wasn't true. The reason he was really avoiding her was because he was afraid she would find out he'd killed a member of her clan. Even though Chickadeepaw had been an idiot, he knew she hadn't deserved to die. He sat at the border in wait, casting his gaze glumly at the ground in front of his paws. How would he tell her? Maybe he just wouldn't.

[Arie]

-- @Beau --

"Seeing the sun in a moment of darkness is when you know you've reached the beginning of the end." Breezefeather always liked that phrase, the beginning of the end... because it wouldn't be easy to make things get well and get well yourself but you needed that push to acknowledge that it wasn't a fruitless battle you were fighting and that sooner or later you would come forth to the sun and that although there was a road to where the sun was setting, you knew the direction you were going in was the right one.

"Life has a way of messing you up." His gaze proceeded to turn inside and appeared very far away. Because bad things had happened. "I lost three kits... and its a long time ago, but it still has an impact. I remember them every time I look out at the moor, every time I run and take a step outside. I've grown used to the pain that they're no longer here, that I am now the one who's living my life for them and that I must do everything that they'll never have a chance to experience to give them a chance at experiencing it through my eyes. But.. they do pain me still, however, I have full trust that they're safe and secure in the stars."

Because no matter how much he missed them... they weren't here. He wanted them here with all his power... but they were not. They were gone. And that admittance had been the hardest in his life.... even harder than believing that his mother wasn't coming back. It seemed today was the day of emotional spilling... not that the deputy minded too much. They were away from the clan in a secure spot, on the Shadowclan border watching out for anything stupid to happen.

[dionysus]

[ @Arie ]

No... not that...

Rushingmoor had never sired biological children and had thus never lost them so he could not presume to understand how Breezefeather felt. Yet, the gut wrenching horror of seeing Stagpaw laid out in the snow on that fateful day came back to him and Rushingmoor knew that Breezefeather had endured for moons the worst pain known to cat.

“I am truly sorry, Breezefeather. If I could take their places, I would, but there is no use in thinking of that as it is impossible. However, I believe wholeheartedly that you are right and that they are smiling on their father from Starclan where they play each day with the spirits of the best queens the forest ever knew. You’ll see them again some day I’m sure and for what my opinion is worth, I think that living each day for them to experience through you is a beautiful idea.”