Cattail Pond

[Shade.]

@BILL.

Lotusheart almost laughed. You have no idea. She had been nervous for as long as she could remember. Well, almost. She remembered trying to play with the other kits in the nursery. She remembered them telling her that she was big and scary, and ugly, and they didn't wanna play with her. She remembered lashing out and hurting them unintentionally. That's when the nervousness started.
"No, I suppose not. I am quite the nervous wreck, though." she said finally.

[BEAR.]

"What could you possibly be nervous about?" Lionstorm questioned out loud, unashamed of how insensitive it might be. "What makes you a wreck?" Maybe if he could get some information out of her, they could work on this. "You can talk to me, Lotusheart."

[ @Shadeleaf ]

[Shade.]

Originally Posted by BILL.

"What could you possibly be nervous about?" Lionstorm questioned out loud, unashamed of how insensitive it might be. "What makes you a wreck?" Maybe if he could get some information out of her, they could work on this. "You can talk to me, Lotusheart."

[ @Shadeleaf ]

Lotusheart was partially surprised by the direct approach, but, honestly, no wonder. Lionstorm was probably used to cats coming to him and whining about their problems.
" Well, uh, everything, actually. I'm scared I'll mess up, I'm scared something bad will happen.... I'm scared I'll hurt someone..."

[BEAR.]

"If you waste all your time stressing over ifs, you'll miss out on a lot of future opportunities." To some extent, Lionstorm knew he was oversimplifying emotions - but he wanted to get his point across. "Look, I'm going to be upfront with you because I think you need that. It's OKAY to be nervous, but you can't let it affect your daily life. You can't -- let it control you.

"You have the choice to decide whether you'll mess up or hurt someone. You have the power to decide your own actions, Lotusheart. You might not have control over when awful things happen, but you can determine how you handle those situations when they come. You can make a difference." He recalled the chaos of ThunderClan and their lack of leadership - Buststar and her deputy put their own selfish desires over the security of the Clan. "Make the best out of the worst, and take charge of your fears."

[ @Shadeleaf ]

[Shade.]

@BILL.

Lotusheart was almost surprised to hear that. She'd expected something like "Yeah, it's OK or whatever." since Lionstorm didn't really know her and she assumed he wouldn't care. That or a flat-out "Ok, you'll never be as good as me because I'm AWESOME!!" as the Tom had always seemed kind of... smug.
"That's.. I.. You're right actually. I really shouldn't. And I try to at least not let it get to me. But it's hard. Because I not only feel like I'm not good enough. I... think I'm not good enough. I try to be the best. But I'd it enough? But... Maybe it's alright. It's not like I've, ghaha, squished anyone to death recently or anything and I don't yell iin public anymore. I used to do that. Am I better? I don't know, but I might as well keep trying and.. not worry about stuff.. "

[BEAR.]

"If you weren't good enough, you wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't have made it through training like the hundreds of cats who've gone missing or died." To Lionstorm, this was pretty clear cut. "You've been a fine warrior, a great mentor.. I think you need to focus on what you have done and your successes. You've done wonderfully." As for public yelling, he chuckled slightly. "Yell all you want, often times cats need it. If you always stay quiet, cats will take you less seriously. You need to assert yourself if you're going to get anywhere in this Clan."

[ @Shadeleaf ]

[Shade.]

@BILL.

Lotusheart thought over that. She had passed her training, despite her first mentor ignoring her. And she had earned her warrior name by chasing off a pack of dogs. And she had been able to train 2 apprentices at once. She was still a bit shy about her voice but she would use it when she needed to.
"Yeah, I guess I have done quite a lot, huh. And my worry that I'm not good enough morally, well, I've never really tried to hurt anyone and I don't plan to... But how do you know all that stuff? I thought your job used to be just moving cats around like lumps of rock and telling them what to do. "

[BEAR.]

"I know my Clan-mates, Lotusheart. I did my damndest to keep tabs on everyone I could when I was leader." It was daunting, admittedly - trying to track hundreds of cats wore Lionstorm down over the course of the seasons he ran the Clan. He still struggled with not being on top of everything, but.. it was getting better. It felt nice to be able to focus on his apprentices more. "Being a leader.. is a hell of a lot more than just telling cats what to do and how to do it. You are responsible for keeping the Clan functioning, for ensuring their safety and prosperity. If you begin to waver in your duties, you can't call yourself a leader."

And that's why he resigned.

Lionstorm glanced over the pond, to the scarlet hue that grew with the coming sunset. "I've always tried to put the Clan first. Knowing cats and what they've done, even if it's not on a personal level, has been a good way to recognize their strengths and how they've grown overtime."

[ @Shadeleaf ]

[Shade.]

@BILL.

Lotusheart turned her head to the direction Lionstorm was staring into. Huh. She honestly didn't know how to respond. She felt a sharp spike of anxiety. She wasn't good at having heart-to-heart conversations. She just didn't know how to respond except talk about herself. Lotusheart's problems had made her quite self-absorbed. Not in the smug, confident way, but just feeling like everything is about you, and not others. A cat could have Lotusheart's non-existent self-esteem and still only focus on themselves, mostly whining about how deep and misunderstood they are.

[BEAR.]

Lotusheart didn't seem to have anything to add, so Lionstorm took that as a 'go ahead' to continue. "Anyway, as far as I can tell, the only cat in this Clan who thinks you're not doing a good job is yourself. And.. frankly, Lotusheart, I think you're doing yourself a disservice. Fretting, putting yourself down - you need to treat yourself better."

[ @Shadeleaf ]