If I Could Wrap My Arms Around this Memory, then I Would [p]

[Dark]

Darkfall

Shadow Fiend: Inactive | Killer Aptitude (T3) | Ultimate Predator: Inactive | Hulk SMASH! [Inactive]
___________

After leaving Dawnstar’s den, the large tom didn’t yet take time to clean the blood and grime off of himself. The next thing he had to do was the most important part – though he dreaded it with every fiber of his being. He broke the news to Dawnstar, Rookfire, and Sleepysunrise – now it was time for him to collect and tell his children. Stars above, his children… He had lost his own mother when he was young – just a couple of moons younger than they were, but they already experienced far more loss than he had at that time. Their relationships were strained, but that didn’t mean that this would be any easier for them. He… He didn’t want to do this. Not at all. Despite his reluctance, however, he knew that the news needed to come from him.

So what did he do? Well, he went around camp to hunt down what he had left of his family in order from oldest to youngest. Birdpaw, Wispypaw, Quietpaw, Moonpaw, Quillpaw, Cinderpaw, and Bleedingpaw. He approached each one of them individually, telling them that he was collecting the family to have a talk with them all, giving them an option on whether or not they wanted to follow him.

Once he was done, he set about leaving the camp – patiently leading them through the dark recesses of the territory. He wanted to allow accommodations both for Cinderpaw’s leg (or lack thereof), and Wispypaw’s poor vision. The sun was beginning to set now, and the sky was set ablaze with vibrant orange and reds. Darkfall found it a bit ironic that one fire, or perhaps a simple spark was put out, only to be replaced by one in the sky. He knew it wasn’t the case, but part of him wanted to believe that the fire dancing between the clouds was put there by the topic of discussion herself.

Once they finally reached their location, Darkfall signalled for them to stop. It had been a decent walk, as their location was on the fringes of the outskirts, but they’d be fine. They were their kids. They could make the trip with no issues. Standing before him was a familiar vine-covered hole that he had last come through with Larkfire. Turning, he gave the gathered cats a sad smile – one that didn’t quite reach his eyes. ”There’s something I want to show you,” he said, repeating the same words he had spoken nearly 12 moons before ”Come with me.”

He didn’t wait for an answer as he pushed through the vines onto a small ledge overseeing a small clearing. There was enough room for all of them, or at least there should be. Held within the clearing was a horde of tall yellow flowers (with some orange and red ones mixed in: black-eyed susans). This place brought back both painful and fond memories, and for a moment, he remained in silence as a wave of nostalgia came crashing over him. He found this place for her. This was where the beginning of the end started.

After a private moment of silence, he spoke. ”Eleven moons ago, I brought your mother here.” The large tom began, not yet turning to face the group. ”I had been sneaking out of camp to look for a suitable place to ask her to be my mate, and during that I came across this field of flowers.” A wave of his paw as he gestured to the bright plants. ”You wouldn’t have seen them then, but your mother’s eyes were once beautiful orbs of amber fire – much like some of yours, and these flowers reminded me of her.”

”I brought her here one night, and I asked her to be my mate. She said yes and for a moment, I was the happiest tom in the world.” Azure eyes closed for a moment as he took in a deep breath, taking a moment to recall that moment. ”Like the first time she and I met, the stars were shining beautifully, but I thought they looked best when reflected off of her eyes. She looked absolutely breathtaking in the moonlight and I had been unable to take my eyes off of her.” His smile was genuine for a moment as he remembered that night. So many things had gone wrong since then, but that moment had been when he was at his happiest – when they were at their happiest.

”She suggested making flower crowns, despite not knowing how to make one herself. It was a silly thing that I teased her about for the rest of the night, but things were good then.” Opening his eyes now, he turned to the kids who had followed along with a sad expression. Though he had thought there were no more tears to shed, he was clearly wrong, as one single tear dropped from his scarred eye – a scar he received in a bout with a ThunderClan warrior.

Turning, he rose to his paws for a moment before dropping down off of the ledge. Despite his torn paw pads and stiff muscles, he moved with grace as he nipped the long stems of 8 flowers – one for each of his remaining kits (including Sleepysunrise) before collecting them and jumping up onto the ledge. Gently, he dropped one at each of the accompanying children’s paws before taking up a spot in front of them – facing them this time.

”I–” He began, face contorting with pain as he struggled to find the words. Why had things happened at a time like this? Why couldn’t she have stayed like she promised? They were supposed to raise their children together, but instead, she left him here alone to try and mend the broken pieces of a family she helped break apart. It wasn’t fair. None of this was, but he had a duty to fulfill regardless.

”I was out in the territory earlier. I was following the scent of your mother and two other cats and was led to Darkwater Mire. There was quite a bit of blood, and their scents did not leave the area. I searched and searched, and tried my hardest to find them, but… I couldn’t. Not wanting to give up, I found the scent of Mirepaw, she… she’s changed. A lot. I talked with her, and she said that all three of the cats were gone.” He paused, a prickle of unease and anxiety clawing its way through his pelt as he said the dreaded words.

”Your mother is dead.”

He wanted to allow them a second to grieve, to unleash their anger on him or cry or whatever it was the kids would do, but he couldn’t. He had to say this last part before their voices drowned out his own.

”I know… I haven’t been the best of fathers – but I’m trying to do better.” Voice cracking through the pain of their loss, he scanned them all for a moment before continuing. ”You all deserve better, and I’m sorry for not living up to what I could’ve – no, should’ve been. But your mother and I love–d you all very much and want to see you all succeed. With that being said, I want to start anew and be a proper father, if you all will let me.”

Tear-filled blue eyes flicked to Bleedingpaw for a moment. Bleedingpaw wasn’t either of their biological kits, but Larkfire had taken a liking to him, and unfortunately, Darkfall had not gotten particularly close to the tom. ”Bleedingpaw, I know… I know you probably don’t see me as a father, but that doesn’t change that she was your mother as well. I… I would like to be your father if you’d let me. I don’t expect you to open up to me right away as I’ve been painfully distant with all of you in recent moons, but… if you’d allow me to, I’d like to call you my son as well.”

There. Everything that needed to be addressed right away. Now their reactions to the news…

[ Birdpaw - @Mica | Wispypaw - @Kix | Quietpaw - @Morrigan | Moonpaw - @Poprock | Quillpaw - @idia | Cinderpaw - @Neptune. | Bleedingpaw - @Rani | @Estelle if you want Sleepy to tag along | @Rose because you wanted a mention. Super sorry this is so late everyone! Life smacked me and then the hurricane through me all out of wack, but as promised, the family meeting! Please don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything that I need to change! Going to try to be more active and more involved inrp with Dark and the kids, but... I am but a lad, so gonna do my best! ]

[Morrigan]

Quietpaw
Shadowclan apprentice
Purrks: Mind reader(permanently active) and Shadow fiend(inactive)

Skepticism was the first emotion that Quietpaw felt when Darkfall approached her. It was strange and unprovoked. Her father had always been far away to her. She hardly knew him so why did he suddenly want her? No effort had been made before to connect or somewhat be a part in her life. The only prominent memories of him was at the catastrophic family gathering all those moons ago and the singular smile he offered in return when she became an apprentice and still looked to him for some reaction. All she was offered was scraps of affection. So why now was she acknowledged? Did he finally decide he wanted to pay some attention to her?

'Of course not...'

Any embers of faith she might have had were smothered upon the sight of her siblings. Dread filled her chest as she made her predicament: this would be another long family argument that alway ended up leaving things more shattered than before. It was her nightmare all over again. The messy little spat over who was worse than the other that prompted her first few words. It had haunted her though she tried to forget it. Nothing was learnt, nothing got better so why on earth were they in that similar situation again? Was everyone a fool in her family? At least her mother wasn't here to make it worse...

Quietpaw despised every step she took as she trailed behind her siblings and father. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to go through it again. All the tears, shouting and anger. It was far too much screaming and not enough progress. It was a bad memory engraved in her mind that no amount ignorance could undo. Her mind was screaming at her to just run back to camp, away from the disaster that was so sure to happen. Yet that would make her a coward. And though she may be reclusive, Quietpaw was no coward.

'This is torturous' She settled on the word. It described all the feelings that were running through her mind. Torturous. Her new favourite sound. After a few second she landed on the conclusion her life was, indeed, torturous. Full of unnecessary hate and drama she wanted not part of yet it was her fate to endure. Did her siblings feel the same way? Quietpaw never thought about her siblings perspective...suppose she just was too frustrated to care. Perhaps she should ponder it sometime, it was basically a hobby now.

You know what else Quietpaw found delightfully satirical? The fact the sky represented exactly how she expected this whole fiasco to turn out; Burning, bloody and dark. This would be a slaughter no doubt, one that she would have no say in. A sigh quietly left her maw as she imagined it's ending. A repeat of the last time they all got together. Gosh how she wished she had just pretended to be asleep. Then she would've dodged this bullet.

Halting at Darkfall's command, she watched with a wary gaze as he beckoned them to crawl inside a vine covered hole. That totally wasn't suspicious. Quietpaw waited until she was the last one there to finally crawl in as well. She didn't trust them to watch their back. She sat back on her haunches near the end, making sure to keep away from most of them (especially Moonpaw, he still made her blood boil.) Glimpses of yellow, read and orange flowers was all she saw. Confusion fused with annoyance came across her face as she peered down at them. Darkfall took them to see flowers? In a way she should be relieved yet it was still a waste of time.

Quietpaw glanced at her father as he finally began speaking after a moment of silence. 'What is he going on about?' She wondered grumpily as he went on about her mother. If she wanted to hear about a failed love story she would've asked. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes she forced herself to listen on as Darkfall went on about her fiery eyes and all that. All she could remember was her mother's dull, cloudy hues that never looked at her, more looked through. Honestly, she was rather glad she didn't resemble her very much.

And off he went about how pretty she was. Quietpaw couldn't understand why most cats focused on the beauty of their lovers. Looks didn't tell who you were, actions did. Appearances were deceiving, the truth was told beneath their skin. Oh great now she sounded all cringe, what she meant was cats should pay more attention to who their mates were. Nothing more nothing less. But why was her father being so...adoring for her when she wasn't even here and they'd fallen apart long ago?

There was something about Darkfall's expression that Quietpaw suddenly noticed. Grief. It was so clear, how did she miss it? It seemed so deep and raw now...he was hiding something. It was so obvious now she wondered how blind she had been: he was stalling with all these soppy stories just to strike them down with a dark secret. Her eyes narrowed at the realisation. This was some form of deception and it was cruel. Why were they being comforted by all this just to be hurt. This couldn't stand.

Whatever cold words might have been said were momentarily paused as Darkfall left and returned with something for each one of them. A single flower, perfect and bright, was laid gently at her paws. Quietpaw stared at it with a frown. Never once had she been offered something...a gift you would call it but she suspected it wasn't meant fo show love or appreciation for her, oh no, it just added on to the false sense of security. A singular, empty gesture is what she saw and so she only studied it for a second before glaring back at her father.

'Enough of this, say what you need to say' Quietpaw shifted restlessly, already unhappy with her father's attempts to keep them from whatever unknown truth needed to be spilled. She saw his suffering yet she was indifferent. Why couldn't he just be plain and clear. Her anger only died down as he began to speak. Darkwater mire. Her mother and two other cats. Where was this going. She was noting things down as soon as Darkfall spoke yyet it was still unclear.

Blood? Now that made her uneasy. Quietpaw was growing more confused and upset by the second. What did he mean they were gone? How could they just disappear? Who were they? Why did they need to be followed? Mirepaw? Mirepaw had disappeared like her other siblings why had she just popped up there? Why should she care her sister changed, she didn't? WHAT WAS GOING-

"Your mother's dead"

...

......

What...?


Her heart stopped at that confession. It was like it had just dropped and an indescribable feeling took it's place. Shock held her prisoner as it often did and her mouth hung limply open. All she could do was gape and stare in disbelief before her usually frosty hues fell to the ground. It was impossible. Often she'd viewed her mother as dead to her but... that's not...that wasn't...Quietpaw was rendered speechless...truly this time, even her critical thoughts and opinions had been silenced. She was frozen in place as the world seemed to stop spinning around her. All words that had been said after that had fallen on deaf ears.

Denial worked slower than she had thought it would. It appeared she had sat there for eternity when she had only sat there for roughly a minute. It always took a while for her to react, she didn't know why. Blankly staring at the floor, processing what she had just heard and repeating the phrase in a never ending loop. Then it all crashed down on her as it often mercilessly did. Why did life never give her a break?

Without warning Quietpaw jumped back onto her paws and spun around, storming through the hole they had just come through in a frantic attempt to leave this whole whorl of torture she wanted nothing to do with and predicted in the first place, disregarding the flower that she saw as no more than a meaningless object. Breath quickening and chest tightening as her face contorted with a rage that knew no bounds. Her pace was fast, almost a run as her riveting cyan hues stared forward, welling with angry tears that ran down her face in a torrent. Her sight was blured, her mind roaring all sorts of horror and curses. Why...what had she done to deserve this?!

'LIAR, LIAR, LIAR!!!' the words repeated like a mantra in her head as she came to a stop after walking a good distance away from the flower field. Once again she glared up at the scarlet sky in fury, accusing her mother silently her decietfulness. Back then, in the family meeting, she'd said she'd try...try and be a better mother but she never did! The only thing she ever did for her was teach her a few battle moves and did that make her promise fulfilled?! It sure as hell did not! And yet Quietpaw still referred to her as mother in the hopes that one day she'd get the love she was promised, she was entitled too but oh no. Lostspark had always ignored, neglected and worst, lied to her...that was the one thing Quietpaw always hated. A fear of sorts. There was knew thing she knew she deserved, one thing she asked for: the truth, yet that one request was denied and they laughed in her face.

Standing here, alone with fat tears staining her face she took all her hate, anger, grief and merged it into one, eath shaking scream directed at the heavens where her worthless mother now presumably resides. All the air in her lungs was used to form the screech of agony, to embody the pain Lostspark had caused her with her untruthful nature. Everyone back there probably heard her, screaming at how betrayed she felt. It lasted for only few seconds yet it was powerful...she hoped Lostspark heard it up there so she would never forget what she did. Still...she doubted herself. She waited...she did wait...did she have to seek out love to find it? Nobody told her..."Liar...why did you make promises you'd never keep...?' Quietpaw's blood curdling scream died down into small sobs as her claws curled into the ground, shaking and breathless. Maybe next time she wouldn't be so foolish as to believe liars.

@Dark @Rose @Mica  @Kix  @Poprock  @idia @Neptune. @Rani  @Estelle

[Mica]

Birdpaw
ShadowClan Apprentice
she/her | 10 moons | 96/100
[Grey tabby with dark overcoat, white underside and amber eyes]
Purrks: Lyrebird's Lullaby [PERMANENTLY ACTIVE], Don't Mind If I Do!
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽ The Fool ☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
· · ────────────── · ·
[ Darkfall - @Dark | Wispypaw - @Kix | Quietpaw - @Morrigan | Moonpaw - @Poprock | Quillpaw - @idia | Cinderpaw - @Neptune. | Bleedingpaw - @Rani | Sleepysunrise - Estelle | @Rose ]
· · ────────────── · ·
There's no lullaby...
in this nowhere land.

Papa approaching her was surprising, as Birdpaw didn't really interact with anyone in her family anymore. Pondpaw was really the only cat she spent time with, as even Mossfreckle had grown too busy to seek her out. But she didn't mind! She had gotten used to it over the moons. That just meant that when Papa asked her to join him, Birdpaw was extra excited! One by one they gathered her siblings, each of them getting a cheery nose to the cheek in greeting from the oldest of the remaining siblings. Wispypaw, then Quietpaw, then Moonpaw--who Birdpaw was somewhat pleased to see return, completely unaware of the stunt he had pulled during the move to the new camp--then Quillpaw, then Cinderpaw, then... Birdpaw's smile faltered for a moment as Darkfall approached Bleedingpaw. He... wasn't an Ark Kit. Sure, Mama seemed to favor him more than the others, but Birdpaw had just thought this was a father/directly-decended-children thingy. Well, that was okay. Bleedingpaw seemed nice, even if he had monopolized Mama's attention. Birdpaw greeted him with a nose to the cheek too, careful not to topple the wobbly tom over.

Everyone seemed tense as they followed Papa, but Birdpaw couldn't understand why. The sky was such a pretty red because of the sunset, and the dark pines stood out against the ruby clouds! It was nice and cool because it was leaf-fall, and lots of crunchy leaves and pine cones littered the ground for Birdpaw to pounce on. At ten moons Birdpaw was still the smallest of the bunch (save for maybe Bleedingpaw), and she looked like a freshly-made apprentice out into the territory for the first time. But little did everyone know, she had already passed her warrior assessment, and at the next meeting she would be made a warrior! She wanted to surprise everyone, but it was REALLY hard to keep it a secret. Only Sleepysunrise knew. Birdpaw would have liked to tell Mama, but she hadn't seen the pale she-cat anywhere recently, so she resigned herself to telling Mama at the earliest opportunity. Maybe that would be today! Wherever Papa was leading them was likely where Mama was.

A vine-covered tunnel loomed in front of them, but Birdpaw felt no fear as she followed directly behind her father into the darkness. The tunnel was short and lead into a broad open field covered in wildflowers. Birdpaw trilled happily, wasting no time in bouncing through the flowers and watching petals flutter and bugs whiz by, disturbed by her interloping.

Papa called them to attention, and Birdpaw begrudgingly stomped back, having to raise her small paws up high to get over the tall flowers. Man, being tiny was really difficult sometimes! Birdpaw sat in front of Papa, eagerly awaiting whatever he was about to tell them. It was difficult for her to focus since there were so many buggies around that were just so interesting and oh! A grasshopper! Birdpaw stared at it as the bug hoped underneath the grasses, taunting her with its movements. Papa began speaking, so Birdpaw did her best to listen. He launched into the story about how he brought Mama here to ask her to be his mate, how pretty she was, making flower crowns... aww, how romantic! Would Birdpaw find someone like that eventually? Would someone talk about her with the same expression Papa wore? But... something was off. Papa, while reminiscing about a sweet moment... he looked distant. That in it of itself was hardly a surprise, but the heaviness in his voice as he continued on and on about Mama... It made the usual delight in Birdpaw's heart falter.

Papa left to gather flowers, and Birdpaw hesitantly got to her paws, following his movements subconsciously. She canted her head, this way and that, ever a perfect representation of her name. When he returned and placed a small, bright yellow flower at her paws, Birdpaw trilled gratefully and nosed his face before he pulled away. Were they going to make flower crowns? They'd need a lot more flowers if they were going to do that...

Papa continued, this time detailing a trip he took to the Darkwater Mire. His words confused her, each one blocking her from comprehending the next. She started shaking her head as if that would help, the repetitive motion almost serving to clear each word one at a time. M-Mirepaw? Birdpaw's head shot up, eyes wide at the mention of her sister. Mirepaw was alive?? Birdpaw glanced around, wondering why she wasn't here with them. Wouldn't Mirepaw want to come back home? Had she joined another clan? Had she found Heronpaw? Birdpaw opened her mouth to ask about her sister, but was cut off by Papa's final, damning sentence.

"Your mother's dead."

Such a simple sentence. Three words, four syllables. Silence stretched over the gathered cats, the tension at an unbearable breaking point while everyone processed what was just said. It was so blunt--a story of hope and love ended with a cruel final sentence meant to shatter hearts. But not Birdpaw. Birdpaw had always been cognitively slower than her siblings--unbeknownst to everyone including her, it had become a coping mechanism to deal with a broken family and having no connections--so instead of rushing off like Quietpaw suddenly did, Birdpaw shook her head.

"No, Mama can't be dead." Birdpaw chirped as though they were talking about the weather, her voice a shaky echo of Sleepysunrise's. "No, I-I just passed my assessment. I was--I--I was g-gonna tell her--" Even as she spoke, tears welled in her eyes and grief flooded her chest. "I was gonna tell her I-I'm gonna get my ceremony soon--" agony dripped from each word, tears streaking down her grey and white face.

And then he had the audacity to move on. To instead of letting his children take in their grief, to make the same promises he made when they were six moons old in the old medicine den, shredded by their mother's harsh words. Start anew? Start anew??? Their mother was dead! BIRDPAW'S MAMA WAS DEAD.

BIRDPAW'S MAMA WAS DEAD.

BIRDPAW'S MAMA WAS DEAD.

Someone began screaming. It rang loudly in Birdpaw's ears, shaking her small body, forcing her breath out in jagged cries as her weak lungs struggled to keep up with the onslaught. She couldn't hear Papa anymore. Couldn't see him addressing Bleedingpaw--because of course he would address Bleedingpaw. Everyone LOVED Bleedingpaw. Bleedingpaw Bleedingpaw Bleedingpaw--

"WHAT ABOUT BIRDPAW????"

The apprentice hadn't realized she screamed it out loud until eyes turned to her. But she didn't care. "WHAT ABOUT ME?? WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US? ARE YOU GOING TO BE A FATHER TO US? WHY HIM? WHY WHY WHY WHY?????" With each word her volume rose, a rare hatred burning in her eyes. Hatred for whom? She didn't know. Papa had chosen his sorrow, Mama had chosen Bleedingpaw, Grandmother had chosen Sleepysunrise, Mossfreckle had chosen Rookfire--no one had chosen her. Of course Birdpaw didn't really blame Bleedingpaw. It wasn't his fault that he got more attention. But moons of sorrow and self-loathing morphed into a sickening tangle of emotions that was, unfortunately, directed at Darkfall.

"WHY WON'T ANY OF YOU CHOOSE US!"

Her words dissolved into a drawn out, anguished cry. Birdpaw collapsed, screaming into the dirt and soaking it with her tears. Her chest spasmed as her lungs seized, and her cry was cut short as she gasped for air. This was a nightmare--this wasn't real--nothing was real. Nothing was real. Nothing. She was nothing. Birdpaw was nothing.

She had always been balanced on the thin blade between mental stability and the tangled abyss of roots that called to her. She had always been a little absent, a little distant, hidden behind a veil of good intentions and blissful ignorance. Anything could have tipped her over the edge.

But this flung her into the darkness.

Birdpaw went silent, staring with unseeing eyes at the shredded yellow flower her father had given her. She didn't register anyone around her, the grief of her siblings, their anger, resentment, any of it. The little echo-bird had been dashed against a stone, insides spilling over the ground and staining it red. She was nothing more than an empty, hollow shell. A vessel. Empty.

Mama was gone, and so too was Birdpaw.

[idia]

QUILLPAW
he/him. 10 moons. dark grey tom; tabby markings; light grey markings, amber and blue eyes.
[ mind reader ]

quillpaw, at first, eyes darkfall with scrutiny. when was the last time his father had approached him first? well, he can't quite remember. he's sure nothing good is to come out of it considering he says he's collecting the whole family (or what remains) to have a talk with them all. the last time they'd all had a talk, it'd ended up with his parents both acting like petulant, sobbing children who clearly weren't ready to be parents. he quirks a brow, and maybe he's just a tad interested in how it'll play out. finds amusement in the pathetic attempts of acting like a 'family' when they are far from it.

there's a certain heaviness that lingers over the family as they traverse through the territory. not that he's providing any sense of positivity himself – usual scowl drawn on his features. there's a.. negative feeling festering inside of him, growing more and more as they continue to travel. the sky is a ruby red with orange streaks, like flames lapping at each other. flames. that's what that feeling in his chest and stomach feels like – fire. not like the blazing anger that consumes him, but something dreadful.

he scrunches his nose as his siblings and him are led to a vine-covered hole, and his father gives them a sad smile. "stars," he scoffs under his breath as he pushes past the vines, stepping onto the small ledge. if not for the thick tension, the scenery would have been comforting and relaxing even to quillpaw. he, with a sigh, settles on his haunches as darkfall begins speaking. oh, how dreadful, he thinks. is his father really telling them all the story of his and lostspark's withered romance?

'-- but your mother’s eyes were once beautiful orbs of amber fire – much like some of yours, and these flowers reminded me of her.' the connection – the reminder that he shares a trait with lostpark makes him want to rip out his eye. the blazing amber one, that darkfall claims some of his siblings share with her. which, he's never seen his mother with a fire in her eyes. only clouded mist. eyes that gazed right past his siblings and him. all of them. he's sure some of his siblings would argue their mother at least saw bleedingpaw – who he sends a glance to – (instead of seeing through like the rest of them), but he begs to differ. a sliver of attention is just as bad as no attention at all.

there he goes, crying again, quillpaw thinks with a small cringe. he merely glances at the fiery flower places before him, eyes narrowing into a glare. then his mismatched gaze lands on his father once more, ears twitching in interest as he continues on. scents of lostspark and two other cats, paired with blood and no sign of them ...quillpaw is anything but dumb. for some reason, his brain doesn't fully allow him to put it together - to process it, just yet. he perks at the mention of mirepaw, yet he's not as relieved as he thought he'd be. his chest still burns, but this time he recognizes the sickeningly comforting feeling that is anger that starts to bloom. she had..she was...out there and refuses to come back to shadowclan? she could have return yet she chooses to abandon her home? family? his anger still doesn't explain the burning in his chest. until his father speaks.

'Your mother is dead.'

he blinks. once, twice, then a third time – in shock? he's not sure. but the information explains the feeling in his chest. he supposes it was a looking sense of dread. perhaps some part of him, deep down, knew that there'd be another death to announce in the family. stars knows they aren't a stranger to death.

he's never been close to either of his parents, his mother especially ..if she could be given such a title. still, he feels..uncomfortable. his chest feels heavy, like it had when rainpaw's death was announced. just, lighter, almost? not as intense? but his eyes still sting enough to cause discomfort, enough to make his throat feel a tad scratchy. he's not entirely sure why. he knows this feeling is sadness, or something akin to it, at the very least. why is he grieving someone who he did not consider his parent? he thinks he's grieving what little chance there was to become a normal family, not the actual loss, but what could have been. he supposes in a situation like this, he should be crying, but he can't find it in himself to do so. his gaze slides over to his siblings that sit beside him, brows furrowing as quietpaw runs off just as darkfall begins speaking once more. ah, he wants to step up conveniently after their mother had died.

'With that being said, I want to start anew'. he cants his head, eyes narrowing. wow, he's getting a strange sense of deja by right now.. hadn't lostspark said something similar in that hellish family meeting moons ago? why, at this rate, darkfall would end up dead, too. "oh, please," he sneers after clearing his throat, shaking his head. his maw opens to get out another smart remark, only for birdpaw's ear piercing shriek to cause his eyes to snap in her direction. what in the world was with his siblings and having such disgusting outbursts? he likes to think he's usually..nicer to his siblings than he is most cats but--

"will you stop throwing such a fit?" quillpaw snaps, not an ounce of sympathy in his tone. "I don't see why you and moonpaw – actually, any of you continue to try and blame bleedingpaw for lostspark's neglect. it's pathetic." any sign of any emotion other than cold anger was now swept under the rug, icy gaze transfixed on birdpaw's collapsed form before sweeping across the remnants of his family. "why any of you bother to cry over someone who showed time and time again, she had no respect for you is beyond me." he bitterly says.

then, quillpaw's eyes land on darkfall, and he's silent. there's a disapproving look on his features, and that's all he offers before looking away. "I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll be saying you want to start anew." he grunts.

[ @Dark @Mica @Rani @Estelle @Kix @Morrigan @Poprock @Neptune. @Rose ]

[Kix]

Wispypaw
Wash him deep where the tides are turning
+ she/her[they/them to those she has told] + Heightened Perception [hearing, active]

It seemed like almost everyone they knew in their short life had a way of telling where exactly where the paw was hiding, Wispypaw had days where they wanted to be around others and days they very much preferred to be left alone to their own devices. Today had been that day that they wanted to be left alone to stew in whatever emotion had its grip on them for the moment. So pray why did their weirdo of a father come seeking them out with one other sibling in tow, which sibling was it?! They just wanted to be in their little hidey hole for one whole day but noooo, there was always someone dragging them out of it. They sought it out even more now that their hearing was painfully good and they were one loud noise away from ripping their ears off. Don’t even get them started over the fact it was their preferred bed time, was nothing going to ever go their way for once!? If they ever get their paws on their father it was over, pay back for this soon to be disaster of a meeting that was supposedly happening.

At this very moment they were irritated at the prospect of being bothered to gather together with the rest of the misfits of a family. Did no one learn from the last one? It had been nothing but a mess, yelling and crying and what did they get out of it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing came from it but emotional pain and suffering, pretty sure they also lost a sibling in that mess too. They may not be able to see but they sure did notice the lacking presence of a certain sibling. They’ve also noticed that another sibling has vanished, not sure who but there was a startling lack of another body that they’ve learned to differentiate from scent. That was none of their business anyways, they may be family by blood but their actions sure didn’t say much. Out of all their siblings they’ve only interacted with maybe three of them so far, sad, only three had bothered to realize they existed. Made the last family meeting seem kind of ironic when it had come about showing attention, bygones where bygones no longer did they bother to care about it anymore.

Wispypaw was about to voice out their irritation at the long walk but it seemed it was pointless to do so now, they stopped. Wispypaw had no idea what they were standing in front of so they sure as hell gave no reaction to it, besides noting the smell of the outskirts. They idly wondered why they traversed so far from camp just to stand on the edge of the territory. They also didn’t ‘see’ the fake smile that their weirdo father had on his face, was this a ploy to make them go nuts? Whatever he wanted to show them, it better be good otherwise he had another thing coming to him for wasting their time with this silly field trip. Maybe someone would be willing to describe to them what exactly they were supposedly going to be looking at. Yet again more silence, did they go deaf too? They were already blind but in no way could they handle being deaf too! What in the hell were they all staring at, the paw was aware of passing through some vines and into a cave or whatever but that was it.

”What in the hell am I looking at” they muttered, someone outta remembers that they can't see what everyone else is seeing. They obviously understood it was flowers, but how were they supposed to understand what weirdo was rambling about if they didn’t know what the damn thing looked like. Today he was being extra weird, like at the meeting that he had last talked to them in. Wispy blankly stared ahead in clear annoyance, if they had known this was going to turn into some sappy retelling of a story between their parents, they wouldn’t have joined. What was even the point of all this, was he was trying to seek help from his own kids to get back together with ma or just wallow in depression. They would have to burst that bubble since wispy saw no fixing that relationship that he once had. So far into their thoughts they hadn’t noticed their fathers presence vanish for a moment and return.

They bent their head down as they pulled the object, which they could feel was a flower, closer to their face. Sure it smelt nice but they didn’t quite understand the appeal to the flower that their father seemed to have this obsession with at the moment. Wispypaw raised an blind eye as they stared in their fathers general direction in question. No sight didn’t mean they couldn’t pick up certain tones others used around them and it sure seemed like he sounded ready to break down crying. What could possibly have their father be so emotional right this moment, were they having another family fall out again? Oh god please not this again, what was left of their broken family did not need anything else to make it worse. Mirepaw? She was still alive? And she actively made the choice to not come back home, to leave them all behind. Guess they followed after Howling in that matter, just minus the tantrum that they threw.

”Your mother is dead.”

Huh

What

WHAT

That had to be a bold faced lie that he was spinning to gain some sort of sympathy for something, they didn’t what but it had to be it. No way would ma tell them all of that sweet talking of being just as good as their siblings. Of always being able to seek her out in their time of their shortcomings, just to die the very next. That wasn’t fair, life may not be fair but that didn’t mean that they had to lose someone after opening up a bit. Needle-like claws dug into the ground, cutting through the flower they still held in their paws. Wispypaw couldn’t tell where their grief began and where their anger ended, it was like trying to balance on a log. Stuck between two warring emotions in them, that wouldn’t quell down. They paid no mind to the fact that they longer felt their twin anywhere near them anymore, must have run off.They could hear Birdpaw, or they assumed it was them, start screaming at whom they assumed would be their father.

Where they really going to go and blame bleedingpaw again? Did everyone in this damn family like to play the blame game before realizing the problem might actually be themselves? Pathetic, seemed that some of their siblings were as dumb as their clanmates back at camp, brain too small to see the big picture. The whole damn reason this family was broken and a mess was on all of them and not solely on one single cat, after all it takes a team to win. Boy they sure all won together, and their prize was this broken, frayed family. ”Tch” they clutched the flower in their paws as they tried to make sure to face away from birdpaw’s direction. ”I'm with Quilpaw over here, why must you place blame on Bleedingpaw? Is merely existing a crime to you? Must be so in your own little worlds but face facts, everything thats happening is on this whole family” now it was a waiting game to see what kind of poison Moonpaw would say. At this point it was expected to hear them making jabs at Bleedingpaw, they had made their feelings pretty clear at the last meeting. They wouldn’t be like Quietpaw and run away in a blur of emotions, instead, they stayed planted beside Cinderpaw, tail wrapped around their paws. They slide her blind gaze back in Darkfalls direction again, eyes narrowing at him, staring him down. ”Start anew? Do you plan on sticking through with that, this time, or will those be empty words? Because if it’s empty words you can eat those words yourself” tired of empty words and empty promises. They had still recalled that last chat that they had with him during a meeting, it had felt more like speaking to a stranger than their actual father.

@Dark @idia Mica @Rani @Estelle @Morrigan @Poprock @Neptune. @Rose

Header made by Marigold

[Neptune.]

Cinderpaw
~<>~
76/100
10 moons || she/her || ShadowClan Apprentice
small black tabby with minimal white markings and 3 legs; amber eyes

Cinderpaw hates these family gatherings. Nothing good ever happens when they all get together to the point where the black tabby genuinely has considered the possibility that they all might have some horrific curse on them, dooming them to a life of agony and miscommunication and hating each other.

Papa comes to her, all of her older siblings in tow, and then collects Bleedingpaw after, leading the whole of them out of camp and on what, to anyone else, might seem to be a family outing combined with a territory tour. There's a tension in the air that Cinderpaw can't put her tongue on, but she doesn't expect anything good to come out of it - 'good' is not something her family is adept at.

Papa starts with the story of how he and mamma got together, of a time before Cinderpaw and her siblings, when they had been happy. It's a silly, fleeting thought, but briefly, the apprentice blames herself for the misfortune that befell them all. The death of their family. The missing siblings.

'You wouldn’t have seen them then, but your mother’s eyes were once beautiful orbs of amber fire – much like some of yours, and these flowers reminded me of her.' Cinderpaw looks to the flowers, and she can't help the small smile that appears to make a home for itself on her maw. Eyes like hers... where was mamma? Why wasn't she here right now? This sounds like the set-up to an announcement that the family was back together, that they were mending broken bonds and would once more be whole.

She's wrong about that.

Why does papa's face contort like that? Why does he look so sad? Mirepaw? He'd scented Mirepaw?? Where was she? Was she okay? But Cinderpaw doesn't even have the time to shift her weight so her paws were free once more to sign her questions before he continues. And, oh, oh what awful words leave his mouth.

'Your mother is dead.'

And if he says anything else, Cinderpaw does not hear it. She does not hear if any of them say anything.

Mamma is dead? No- no, she can't be dead, she can't. She was supposed to see Cinderpaw through to her warrior ceremony... they all were. But now... now amber gaze takes in everyone around herself without actually seeing them. How many were left? Seven? She is not the youngest anymore after Bleedingpaw joined this family, but here, right now, Cinderpaw feels like a kit again, stranded in the territory with her leg mangled, convinced no one would save her and she was going to die cold and alone. She feels cold and alone again.

Quietpaw screams. Cinderpaw doesn't hear it. Birdpaw screams. Cinderpaw doesn't hear her. Quillpaw- Cinder can't tell if her brother even reacts at all. Regardless, she barely hears it. And Wispypaw... Wispy reacts without yelling.

Her cheeks are wet - when had she started crying? - as Cinderpaw glances up again to her father. She feels small, sitting here, despite the fact that she's practically full grown. She'll never reach the height or bulk that her father and some of her siblings have, she'd inherited more of her mother's build, but she feels tiny sitting here right now. A world without mamma in it? She doesn't want to think of that. How could she ever picture such an awful thing?

"Papa, it isn't true."

And hearing her own voice, small, quiet and hoarse with disuse startles her. She can- she can talk again? It's not possible... Cinderpaw had convinced herself she would never speak again, would never be able to communicate like everyone else. Why is it now that she can suddenly speak again? Mamma will never hear her.

She doesn't know how to react. She doesn't know how to feel as a wave of grief so intense it nearly barrels her over in its wake crashes into her. She seeks out comfort in the place closest to her - her sister. Eyes scrunched tight, Cinderpaw leans into her big sister, burying her face in Wispypaw's thick fur, searching for any scrap of comfort she can get out of it.

[ @Dark || @idia || @Mica || @Rani || @Estelle || @Morrigan || @Poprock || @Kix || @Rose ]

[Poprock]

Moonpaw
Apprentice || He/him || 10 Moons || Purrks: Chill of death || Silver tongue

Moonpaw felt uneasy the second Pops rounded each of his real siblings and the leech up one by one for “a family meeting”. If Darkfall’s appearance wasn’t a dead give away that this would be another horrible moment for the Ark family, the absence of a certain Lostspark was. He tried not to dwell on it, but stars did it feel weird to have a family meeting without her.

He trailed quietly behind his Father, siblings and the leech as they trekked out into the territory, stopping at a beautiful flower filled clearing that had his eyes widening. He didn't care that Quietpaw seemed disgusted at Moonpaw's mere presence. Nor did he care (for a very brief moment) that the Leech was in Mom and Pop's special spot. For just a second, Moonpaw could enjoy something uniquely Lostspark and Darkfall's. A place that marked the beginning of their family. A place that solidified his very existence.

He wrinkled his nose affectionately at Pop’s sappy story - secretly enjoying learning new details of their love story. He would forever hate how fast the family broke apart, as well as how much of the blame was placed on Darkfall. When had everything fallen apart between them? Was it due to the previous litters? Did that Icethroat guy try to go after Momma's heart? Moonpaw couldn't fathom that they had just simply fallen out of love.

Despite the sour ending, he would forever cherish what his Mama and Pops once had. Maybe one day he could have the same? Have a larkkit and a lostkit and a firekit and a sparkkit with some lucky molly. Didn’t seem so bad!

He prodded gently at the stem that Darkfall placed at his paws, watching curiously as each sibling (and the Leech) received their own. Was this family outing actually going to be… happy? They were gonna make flower crowns? Self, of course you are! Think of it, you make the absolute bestest flower crown and then give it to Mama!!! Then when everyone else makes stupid flower crowns she’ll see you're the most talented, bestest kid and she’ll love you the mostest again!!

A nod to himself, proud of thinking of another great idea. Classic self.

But Pops wasn’t done speaking, and whatever fondness he held in his voice was replaced with something Moon couldn’t (or didn’t want to) place. Icy cold dread gripped his dark pelt. He should’ve known not to get too comfortable, family meetings meant something bad happened. Last time it had meant something horrible. That leech had arrived and ruined everything. The apprentice couldn't even glance at the blonde baby, icy cold fear gripping every nerve too tight to move at all.

Mama and two cats went to Darkwater Mire. Blood. Didn’t leave. Mama didn’t leave. Mirepaw. Mama didn’t leave. She’s gone. Mama’s gone.

Your mother is dead.

There is some commotion from the others. Screaming, denial, some even leave. But Moonpaw can't hear them. Every nerve in his body is frozen as he thinks not of Mama... but someone else.

Smokekit. He had been the first of the family to die, just before the 13 had all received their names. The dark apprentice remembered easily how guilty he had felt for not noticing his brother’s absence in the living world. How angry he had felt that Starclan or whoever had snatched his only okish sibling away so early. How uncaring Mama had been when she reported his passing and the Leech’s arrival all in one.

He could see Smokekit now, sitting amongst the others like nothing had happened. Moonpaw’s watery gaze was unfocused as he stared at his brother, waiting for their eyes to meet. For the only sibling to ever believe in Moonpaw to give him a sign. What am I supposed to do??? How… how am I supposed to feel? What does this mean for my prophecy??

But Smokekit did not turn and offer his shaking brother a shoulder to cry on. He didn’t even acknowledge that their Mama was gone. He had been the one who told Moonpaw that death didn’t hurt. Like it was taking a nap. That revelation had been a comfort to the apprentice then. Made it easier to move on from the kitten’s untimely death. So why didn’t it feel the same for Mama? Why did he feel like he was dying?

A shaking white paw raised to clutch at his chest. When had it started hurting? When had it started to beat faster than the wings of a bumblebee?

No. He couldn't focus on the way his whole body trembled and ached. He needed to focus on Pop's words. What had happened for such a valiant warrior to just vanish??? Her scent couldn’t just disappear. No one - not even mama could just vanish. There was always some sort of evidence that pointed to where they went. If she had been in Darkwater mire then surely there were some pawprints left behind?? Or.... or!!!

Self! Snap out of it!! If the voice in his head could take form, it would surely be bapping him across the snout right now. You're being pathetic! The mighty Moonstar - the Moonstar destined by Starclan to save our home is crying? Our Mother is dead and you're weeping like a kit? THINK!

He sucked in a wet breath, staring at nothing as he desperately tried to piece the puzzle together.

Two other cats. Their scents didn't leave. Blood. No body. There was nothing left of her. Only the missing Mirepaw was there to confirm... what? That three cats had disappeared? She showed up after moons of being stars know where to witness Mama's passing and then she just.... left again? And Pops allowed that?????????????????? Did he even care to retrieve her body??? Did anyone care to save her??? Or did they just give up????????

Before he can confront his father with the barrage of questions and accusations, one of his siblings voices break through the haze in Moonpaw's mind. Birdpaw. The two had never gotten along. In fact, she was the first sibling to turn on him. He always found her mere presence annoying... like the buzz of a fly who just wouldn't go away. Not like the burning anger he felt around Quietpaw or Mirepaw.

Maybe it was because he longed to feel Mama's soft fur swaddling him like she used to. The overwhelming urge to just be held and loved. Most of the others would rather die than let him near them. But after Birdpaw's breakdown.... after scorning the Leech.... maybe Moonpaw could feel love from another again. Maybe... she would side with him one day. Birdpaw wasn't Mama but she would have to do. Silently he rose to his paws and padded over to his sobbing sister, sitting close enough that their tails could touch. He couldn't do anything more - not when his whole body still shook and tears poured from his eyes. But the simple act of being near someone sane again was enough to ground him.

“Why is it when tragedy falls on us you both look to the Leech for comfort?” He grit out, heated glare pointed at Darkfall. Mama had replaced Smoke with that thing, and now Pops wanted to do the same with Mama? Would it not stop until they were all dead?? Moonpaw despised most of his siblings, but they were still his. Siblings. This thing didn’t get to change that. "Mama is gone and we are all just supposed to accept that? No body? No witnesses other than a traitor sibling? And you want us all to start anew again? I can't!! I can't just move on from Smokekit because there is some shiny new thing for us to replace him with! I can't move on from Mama because you want to feel better. I can't pretend to be a big happy family if we were blamed for breaking it up in the first place!" A quick glare was all he spared Wispypaw. If she had fallen ill to the idea that children were to blame for the parent's mess then that was her problem. The apprentice couldn't waste time or energy on someone so stupid. Not now.

He turned his gaze to Quillpaw - the only one of the siblings to not cry for Mama. He hadn't cried for Smokekit either. It made Moonpaw sick. There was so many things he wanted to say. So many ways he wanted to carve Quillpaw up and leave him for the crows. However, grief weighed heavily on Moonpaw's mind - suppressing his inner voice and leaving him weak. Defeated. His little speech to Pop's sucked every last bit of fight out of his still shaking form, leaving him reduced to a pitiful puddle next to Birdpaw. Bleedingpaw would be spared from Moonpaw's wrath. For now.

"Mama loves us. And we love her." He croaked, reaching for the flower Pops had given him. "You may not care, but we do. And I'm gonna... I'm gonna make them proud." Mama. Smokekit. Wolverine. Starclan. His prophecy would be fulfilled. And maybe then... their souls could feel peace. Smokekit could be reborn and earn his name along with the others. Mama would come down from Starclan and tell him just how proud she is. How he saved Shadowclan. Then everything would be ok again. Until then all he could do was clutch his flower and cry.

--

@Dark || @idia || @Mica || @Rani || @Estelle || @Morrigan || @Neptune. || @Kix || @Rose

[Rani]

Bleedingpaw
Shadowclan Apprentice | He/Him | 7 Moons

Just a Scratch | Shadow Fiend | Hulk SMASH!

.......It just wasnt fair.


In the time after this, when he tried to remember the details or even large chunks Bleedingpaw would find with some distant horror that he couldnt recall a lot really. He could remember thinking over and over that it wasnt fair, but beyond that so much was just... Not there.
The journey there, the gentle hope of a nice family outing, the endless hope that this would be what caused a proper relationship with Darkfall (a actually Papa), the small bite of fear of Moonpaw quickly overwhelmed by the joy of others presence, how he rubbed against Quiet and Wispy and Sleepy bounding across the forest, Darkfalls sweet story, all of it. It just wasnt there in his memories, wiped by the shock of what came next.


Bleedingpaws Mama was dead. Lostspark was dead. What did the details matter in the wake of that. Later he'd paw through memories, examine how this had come to be and what he could recall for reason or sense he in the moment couldnt comprehend, but for now..... Well for now Darkfalls words of attempted comfort were heard, just not absorbed as sound became more and more distant compared to the ringing in Bleedingpaw's ears.


It didnt make sense, it just didnt make sense Lostspark couldnt die she was amazing! She was Dawnstars daughter, a shining star of shadowclan, an enforcer, former medicine cat, she was the most amazing cat ever and couldnt just die. It didnt make sense, none of this made sense. It wasnt fair, this couldnt just happen it wasnt FAIR!



The thoughts roiled, churned and stopped on a reality the toms mind just couldnt comprehend and he fell deeper and deeper into shock, wide blue eyes vacant as they stared up at Darkfall, blank and uncomprehending. He just sat, more still then he'd ever been breathing shallow, still like death.
The yelling, the fighting the support condemnation and upset of his siblings just didnt exist, and later he wouldnt remember that either as nothing existed but cold hard shock.


For all the other kits yelled, Bleedingpaw sat deathly silent, only fair given a part of him had just died a quick and brutal death.


@Dark @Kix @Morrigan @Poprock @idia @Neptune. @Estelle @Rose

(Bb is gonna process this emotionally later probably, for now silent breakdown!)