Quote:
Originally Posted by Luna16
 White-tipped, pale silver ears turned at the sound of her name. Pelt still dripping, breath still coming in huffs, Irisdream turned her head. There, in the darkness, she recognized Wavebreaker. Did she summon him somehow? Did her thoughts bring him to her? Or perhaps her pained plea to the stars? Either way, she wasn't sure what to say to him. She was vaguely aware that he asked her a question, echoes of the words reverberated in her mind. But she wasn't sure how to answer, or if she even still had the strength left to do so. She was tired. So very tired of this same struggle. She could see his pain, and that he was struggling, and knew that his feelings and words were desperate and sincere.
Irisdream gathered what strength she could muster to close the distance, aware of a faint rumbling in the sky. A storm is coming... How ironic. Regardless, she didn't have the will power to shout back. She stopped when they were only a tail-length apart, a shiver passing through her body as the wind hit her still wet fur. Her paws were filthy, still stained with wet earth and shreds of grasses and flowers that she had mutilated in her rage and torment. But her head hung lower with the weight of her exhaustion, tail drooping. She didn't even have the strength to care for her appearance and composure in this moment. She felt...utterly alone and defeated. "Why..." She repeated his question, as though gathering herself. She was too exhausted to try and shield him from what was to come, but she was already prepared for him to not understand.
"You've probably been asking yourself that question a lot over the moons." She mused, a small grim and dark smile crossing her maw. "Oh Wavebreaker..." A longing crossed into her mew. "You've never understood. And you still don't understand. You still don't see me, even after all this time." She stated this as fact, a regretful heavy fact that she wished could be different. Irisdream didn't know it, nor would she have been able to block it, but all of the pain from the moons past of Wavebreaker asking "why" and not understanding pooled into her eyes now. Another exhausted tremble shuddering through her body.
No longer able to support herself standing, she slumped back and practically fell onto her haunches. Probably one of the most ungraceful movements of her entire life. Not that she had the strength to care, but it did cause her to momentarily chuckle at the irony. "Guess it'll be always be that way, huh mother? Just your little Iris, never able to achieve the perfect bloom you always sought." She mumbled to herself, her expression glazed with a far-off look. She blinked and life returned to her eyes, but it was still dimmed with exhaustion as she turned to look at Wavebreaker again. The thunder that was previously rumbling in the distance grew closer. "You ask me 'why' but have you ever once bothered to ask yourself?" She countered. "Search your memories Wavebreaker. For once, without the biased view you always had of my family, of my mother especially. You always held us up on some kind of pedestal without realizing that it was made of rotten wood."
Her forelegs trembled now from baring her weight, and she allowed them to slide out from under her. Resting her head between her paws, Irisdream didn't care that she was getting mud on her face. If it rains, it'll just wash off. She let out a long sigh. "You've never understood...you never saw the truth that was right in front of your nose. And that's exactly why..." Her voice trailed off. That's exactly why we never worked... Irisdream couldn't bring herself to finish the statement. No matter what, she couldn't bring herself to say something knowing how much pain it would cause Wavebreaker. Despite everything, despite everything she told herself, whether she ever loved him as a mate or not she still cared for him. Wavebreaker has always been unwavering, always trying his best. She knew the words she's said already would sting enough without rubbing salt into the wounds they left. There was no need to say anymore. With a feeling of more loneliness than she's felt in a long time, Irisdream closed her eyes. Her eyelids felt so heavy...everything felt so very heavy...
And pointless.
What was the use in continuing to struggle? If Wavebreaker was right, and she was no better than Pebblestorm, then Kitepaw would be better off without her. So would Wavebreaker. If she weren't around, he'd be able to live the rest of his life peacefully with Kitepaw and without spending all of this time questioning himself and tormenting himself trying to understand. He'd be able to keep the memories of her family in tact in his heart. ".... Nevermind." She murmured. "Don't...don't undo what you have of them for my sake." She wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth losing the images of her family that gave him strength. Once more, Irisdream didn't say the final words to her thought out loud. She couldn't bring herself to. Coward...how pathetic. In the end, she wasn't surprised. Pebblestorm had been right all along, she was far too weak and selfish to protect him.
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Wavebreaker
|43 Moons|
He felt his breath bouncing erratically as air flowed in and out of his rigid body in unsteady palpitations that matched the landscape of his mind. Any initial relief he felt that Irisdream wasn't seriously injured evaporated as she turned to face him. Every iota of her being labored with effort. The regretful turn of her shoulders, the listless forward motion of her legs, which seemed to forcefully drag her flower covered paws through the mud without her trademark care. Irisdream's eyes were empty, and her face seemed emotionally vacant, unable to convey anything anymore. She was almost lifeless, no more willingly animated than a piece of fresh kill he made move as he took a bite out of its flank. To see the cat he loved; the proud, impudent, intelligent, neat freak that she was, so bereft of anything at all other than struggle...It frightened him to his core in a way that only love could.
Wavebreaker felt his senses dull as she drew closer, and a chilling numbness settled upon him which he might have recognized as shock if he were not so absorbed in the moment. This new feeling began overtaking his soul, washing clean the emotions that made his own spirit so very heavy. This was his mind's preprogrammed response for the sake of the survival of the relationship he held dear, and a desire to see the sanctity of her sanity restored to her. Adrenaline gave way to an all encompassing nothing, since mentally he was unwilling and unable to see his former mate in such pain. The two cat's states of being were similar on the surface, yet almost entirely different underneath. The spotted black hulking tomcat's body became eerily relaxed, his form losing all trace of tension in an unnatural and robotic fashion. The blue hued lenses which sat in his sockets recording every action in front of him with equal scrutiny.
Frames of time passed unbroken and long, until the disheveled she-cat stopped at the narrowest point of the river separating them. Her low hanging head was so close to the fast moving water that it reflected her face, presenting a distorted image visible in the dissipating moonlight that was gradually being chased away by the dark thunderclouds in pursuit. Wavebreaker scarcely noticed himself bringing his body to the ground with legs splayed out casually on the bank... A reflexive gesture designed to remove all tension from the situation. Instinctively he was making himself approachable, lower than her level and devoid of hostility. As Irisdream began to speak his ears swiveled autonomously towards her. Taking note of the words themselves without necessarily getting tangled in the weighty emotions behind it.
Wavebreaker sat silently on his side as he listened pensively to her perspective, careful not to interject. His mind was blank as he observed the ubiquitous drooping of her fur and facial expressions while she levied her accusations. Every cynical smile or pleading mew that escaped her lips did not go unmissed as she defaced his belief that he understood her struggles with her family. Both the tom’s posture and expressions displayed no physical or emotional response, in an attempt to guard him against the weaponization of any preconceived bias she may feel he had. At some point his longtime companion had collapsed herself to his level. Her face now resting unabashedly in the muddy grime of the rivers edge. Her eyes closed swiftly like heavy weights. He heard Irisdream take one final dig at herself
“....Nevermind. Don’t…don’t undo what you have of them for my sake.” Her exasperation was clutched by an undercurrent of guilt and sorrow. Wavrbreaker closed his eyes too as the wind increased in intensity, whipping the spray of the river over his own mud caked fur. A long while passed as he remained motionless, processing what to say.
***** 34 Moons Prior *****
Images were filtering in and out of his mind as he searched for answers. He was padding beside his familiar Icy pelted mentor Blizzardoak as they approached the nursery.
“You made me proud today Wavepaw.” His voice swelled with encouragement.
”You really are just like your father.” His tone was soft and deep like a storm leaving behind supple snow. Both student and mentor were grinning ear to ear, tails raised with pride. Wavepaw could scarcely believe what he had done, the looping image of Leapingfangs silver gray body rolling roughly down the pebble strewn banks of the river would not leave his mind. The shocked expression that seemed frozen on his long stupid face, it all brought a grin to the would be warrior. But his mentor caught him unaware with his follow up inquiry.
”But tell me where did you learn that move? It was the spitting image of an attack style Couragestream came up with.” Blizzardoaks words were laden with curiosity as he leaned closer to Wavepaws ear. The black spotted apprentice who bore clawmarks on his shoulder and bruises underneath his pelt answered with a certain evasiveness
“Uhhh.. Nobody, I just sorta figured it out on my own.” His mentor blinked a couple of times in disbelief then cuffed him over the ear.
”You keep learning battle skills like that and I won’t need to come rescue you from that overgrown mouse,” Blizzardoak half jested. Wavepaw could see the striped dark gray blue shadow of Pebblestorm as they drew nearer to the protective reed grass sheltering the nursery entrance.
”Daddy!? Wavepaw are you guys back from training?”
The dark furred youth felt himself chuff with pride and excitement as Iriskit poked her head out of the den and her father touched noses with her affectionately. Pebblestorm’s voice rose from the den after her daughter,
”Iris dear, how many times must I remind you not to call him that. You mustn't act childishly, you're going to be an apprentice soon so start acting like one. We wouldn’t want everyone to start thinking I taught you such uncouth behavior.” The prickly blue gray queen glided out silently stopping just inside the entrance with her shadow looming over Iriskit who tensed slightly.
“What issss this posture? Surely not…” she huffed indignantly with disgust as if unable to finish her sentence. Pebblestorm wedged her fore leg underneath Iriskit pushing and pulling all manner of limbs and features. Iriskit protested
”Mom stop,” but her mother did not acknowledge her complaints, stopping only when she was satisfied with her daughter’s appearance. Her gait, the height of her tail, the contours of her fur, everything was forcibly flawless. Pebblestorms art was now on display for the entire camp to see.
“Now then, darling much more seemly. You wouldn’t want to be an embarrassment to your mother who cared for you all these moons?” Iriskits blue eyes shot over to meet her fathers pleadingly, but Wavepaw chimed in completely oblivious.
”I think you look great, Iriskit.” He could tell she was a bit bothered by her mothers coddling and he wanted to cheer her up. Iriskits pretty silvery fur ruffled slightly as she shot Wavepaw an annoyed glance. Pebblestorms attention followed her daughters as the queen guided her head gracefully looking straight at him, a coy approving smile on her lips. Her head tilted slightly, one eye stayed fixed on him full of happy calculation while the other slithered its way to Iriskit. They seemed to be narrowing as thoughts danced mistifully behind them. The words that followed these affects were elongated, soft and purposeful
”Why thank you Wavepaw, such a respectful young tom you are. I’m glad you are appreciative of my efforts.”
After her mothers words Iriskit began looking at her paws in an overly interested fashion. Blizzardoak spoke up now proffering a new idea. A keenness was present behind his gaze, a knowing look that his apprentice could discern but not understand.
”Pebblestorm, you must be hungry after taking care of Iriskit all day? Why don’t I take her with Wavepaw and I to get you some freshkill from the pile? We ran into some trouble by the river, so I imagine he’s pretty hungry too.” As he observed the scene Wavepaw noticed Iriskits head lift, eyes alight with excitement. But she seemed careful to suppress an overly obvious response, her lips pursing back any opinions. Still keeping her eyes fixed on both youngsters, Pebblestorm responded with hollow curiosity as she evaded answering Blizzardoaks question.
“Really now, such a brave boy, and my dear you're all scuffed up too.” Wavepaw puffed himself up, and he felt his tail lift happily in response to her words.
”You can’t go to a meal in the clearing like that? I simply forbid it, not with all your clanmates currently judging if you're fit to be a warrior.” The young tom looked himself over, briefly.
He didn’t think it was that bad, but it wass nice to have someone care. Wavepaw watched Pebblestorm give her daughter a quick shove with her paw, scooting her toward him. Her face was painted with effort as the 6 moon old she-cat struggled consciously to maintain her practiced stride.
”Iris honey where are your manners, please do try to make him look presentable dear he’s going to be a warrior soon after all. You ought to try and learn something from him.” Iriskit wore a protestant look on her face which Wavepaw might have noticed if he wasn’t hadn’t felt hot behind the ears with embarrassment. The two childhood friends were right in each other's faces now, practically touching, Iriskit’s familiar scent of flowers overtaking all other smells.
The young tom looked at his own paws abashedly before looking back at Pebblestorm,
“Its okay I can do it myself. Besides I was going to show Iriskit some battle moves… Nonsense.” The feisty queen interrupted him.
”But I want to learn!” Iriskit whined.
”Dad please?” Wavepaw watched the scene unfolding, his mentor giving his daughter a lick followed by a serious look. The apprentice wasn’t really sure what it all meant, but Iriskit seemed to have gotten whatever message the hardening face of his teacher conveyed as she gave up her efforts to dissuade her mother.
”Really now dear, stop making such a fuss. I expect more grace from a lady in my family. Your father and I can’t have you traipsing around camp fighting your clanmates like some rouge tom. Your duty is to look after proper warriors like Wavepaw, or do you not appreciate his efforts either?” Pebblestorm ended her statement with a subtle flutter of accusation in her words.
”Iris,” Blizzardoak mewed calmly.
“Let's hurry up so we can go get that fresh kill.” Blizzardoak encouraged. Wavepaw hadn’t realized his mentor was so hungry.
”Fine…” responded Iriskit reluctantly as she seemed to be holding onto a sigh. Wavepaw felt another flash of embarrassing nerves as his friend pulled up close and began carefully combing over his fur.
Man this is awkward. I don’t know why Pebblestorm won't just let me fix my own pelt, I could have handled it. Buuut he did have to admit that it all felt rather relaxing to have the gritty earth removed from his fur. Plus he always found Iriskits scent to be so calming. [b]”Don’t worry,” he whispered as she moved to preening his ears.
“I’ll show those moves later.” The slender multicolored kit was either so absorbed in her cleaning efforts that she had not heard, or she pretended not to notice. Her parents exchanged a quick few words while he was being made presentable. And then they were off.
As the trio made their way towards the center of camp Wavepaw suddenly remembered the events that had transpired before their arrival.
I can’t wait to tell her about Leapingfang! With his head raised high atop his chest the tom began to boast while he bounced up and down excitedly.
”Iriskit you should have seen it, I totally beat up…!!! That badger, it was really something.” Blizzardoak interrupted him, finishing Wavepaws words. He could feel the heavy white tail of his teacher resting purposefully across his left shoulder where he bore no signs of battle. A knowing smile shuffling across his face, that on the outside may have just as well been pride in his student.
Oh right..I can’t tell her. It made sense, what his mentor told him as they had padded back to camp.
”If you are to consider yourself a true warrior, you must carefully guard clan secrets too. If you go around telling people about your altercation with Leapingfang you will bring trouble not only to the Clan, but also my family. Jealousy is a terrible motivator, and not all enemies are outside the boundaries of our camp. Understand?”
***** Present Day *****
The rain began to fall lightly on Wavebreakers broad shoulders, rolling between every crevice until small lines of broken drenched fur began to form tiny divides across his body. It had been so long since he had seriously revisited those memories from long ago, and his emotionally impaired state brought his eyes a fresh perspective not normally afforded by his usual self.
“You wouldn’t want to be an embarrassment to your mother…"
“YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO YOUR MOTHER!!!"
Both voices lingered together in his mind in unison. Different tones, different people, different means of abuse, but the same damaging message. How had he not realized it sooner?
I mean it was the same with you and Pebblestorm right? [b][i]What an ignorant thing to say.[b][i] The tom was deeply ashamed it had taken him so many moons to see a glimmer of the truth. Wavebreaker was not yet overcome by relief, but resolve had settled into his eyes which were now opened once again. As a major piece of the puzzle finally fell squarely into place. The tomcat, still quite numb to his surroundings, raised himself to his paws. The rain pouring down a little harder now. He began to cross the narrow divide in the river that separated them.
”You’re right Irisdream, the truth has been right in front of me…for a long while now…” He waded through the small yet turbulent stream, which rinsed the flecks of mud hitchhiking in his fur. Their dirty particulates leaving him now to float somewhere far away.
He pulled himself strongly from the river, his sleek fur being blitzed by the oncoming droplets of water which streamed down endlessly. He laid down alongside Irisdream whose head still fell lowly and shivering in the black earth. Each warrior sat parallel to the other eyes facing opposite directions.
“The truth is you made me…” His body began to shiver alongside hers, repressed emotions rising to the surface.
“You made me who I am more than anyone else I’ve ever known.” His voice broke slightly.
“Do you remember when you had just turned six moons? That day Blizzardoak and I told you I had fought off a badger….Well it wasn’t… I had a fight with Leapingfang.” Wavebreaker could almost see his past self in the flashing distance as the electricity erupted from above. Frustrated, his body pulling itself into a quaking ball as his Stepfather tormented him.
“For years I just let him hit me like a frightened mouse, he enjoyed it I think,” the warrior paused thoughtfully.
“And I would have continued letting him, in spite of your father, in spite of your mother. I would have remained exactly…the same..” His strong voice broke again.
Disgust entered into his tenor,
“then he told me that he was going to recommend to Kestralstar that he take you on as his apprentice and I.. I just couldn’t let that happen, I wouldn’t let that happen. So I fought.. And I found my courage.” Wavebreakers voice became gruff with emotion. [b]“Your father bailed me out, but he didn’t change me, he didn’t save me.” Wavebreaker leaned his head gently against the wet fur of her haunches.
“I’m sorry I was so blind to your pain. Even if you never love me, even if you think that somehow being with me means letting your mother win. I’ll always be there to save you, because I wouldn’t be here without you… And if I had to make a choice to let all those memories be ruined, or keep you as you are. I know which family I would choose.” His voice was full of conviction now, even as it was strained from his shivering in the cold.
”You and Kitepaw are all I'll ever need. It seems like we have both been hiding things. I know up to now it's felt like a lie, so that's why I’m choosing to tell you the truth.If I didn’t know you before, then that just means I get a chance to know you all over again. And who doesn’t wish to rexperience their favorite things in life.” He was smiling now, he had said his piece. He could only hope for Irisdream to find some comfort in it..
@
Luna16
Re: the past can come back as a nightmare [P]
