CW: this post below contains a character dealing with depression, anxiety, brief thoughts of suicide, and self-harm. please do not read if any of those are triggering. make sure to give yourselves lots of love and patience if you relate to any of those triggers, and remember that at the end of the day, you're human and sometimes mistakes get made. if no one has told you today, i'm proud of you and you're doing great. keep going.
Dusklion - RiverClan Deputy
She knew she wasn't suppose to be here. In fact, she was pretty sure that if her brother wasn't busy running a meeting right now, he would be out here dragging her into a grave of her own. But her paws had led her here and now she stood among the trees on RiverClan's side looking out at the rolling hills of WindClan territory. The tall heather swayed in the wake of the breeze as the deputy took a seat.
Often times she would sit and wonder, awake in her nest at night or out at Lionsbeach, what it would be like to go and take that day back. To not come out to Sedgewater Valley, to not run into Fallownose, to not... kill him. Often times she pictured them exchanging some words, perhaps, then going their separate ways. She would go back to RiverClan's camp, and yeah things would be tense and dire and later they would discover that three warriors had somehow made their way right smack into WindClan's camp, much to Twilightstar's ire - but it would be easily smoothed over. Territory, perhaps some prey, in exchange for a clean slate, like how ThunderClan had done once.
Things would be tense and dire - but at least RiverClan wouldn't have been driven from their home.
It was times like these that Dusklion tried hard, really hard, to recall Hawkstar's words. He had urged her to look at the bigger picture, and she was trying. But words meant little in comparison to actions, and dreams were far overshadowed by reality.
And reality was this; RiverClan wouldn't have been driven from their home if she hadn't killed Fallownose.
RiverClan wouldn't have suffered two moons of isolation, away from everything they had ever knwon, if she hadn't killed Fallownose.
RiverClan wouldn't be falling apart, if she hadn't killed Fallownose.
RiverClan wouldn't be dying, if she... hadn't...
Sucking in a breath, Dusklion flinched as she realized she hadn't yet breathed in some time. Whether it was some unconscious decision or intentional, she couldn't be sure, but she blinked a couple times to make sure she was still alone. There were no signs of any WindClan cats. No sign of any RiverClan cats. No sign of anyone but her.
"...I'm sorry."
Even with no one around, she still said it. Her eyes had flickered back to the border that separated RiverClan from WindClan. The day was peaceful, and for a moment she closed her eyes. Her ears perked to hear the sounds of the breeze among the trees, the scent of marshland and heather wafting past her nose. The feeling of the grass under her paws and the taste of greenleaf on her tongue when she parted her jaws. Breathing in, breathing out... Letting these things root her until she opened her eyes again.
...And the tears came.
One at first, rolling down her cheek. Then another. And another, until finally her shoulder shook with the silent sobs. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...." To Twilightstar, for taking away one of the closest cats to her. To WindClan, for throwing their Clan into despair. To ThunderClan, for poisoning them. To RiverClan, for uprooting them from their home. To Lionstorm. To Goosefury. To Wormbite. To herself, for becoming the one thing she had feared the most.
Looking down at her paws revealed they were trembling. The tears that still fell made them blurry but Dusklion could see them - could feel them. "...Stop," she tried commanding them, but still they shook. A choked gasp came from her as she stomped them on the ground, rising to her paws. "No. Stop!" Pressing them hard into the ground with gritted teeth, tail lashing behind her.
Still, they shook.
"I said stop!"
.
. .
. . .
A small pool of red trickled into view, and between the ragged breaths and the roaring in her ears Dusklion blinked. Blood. That was coming from... her. She shook her head to clear the tears as best she could, seeing now the gouge in her foreleg. Long and deep, and spilling over. In a fit of fury to get her body to listen to her, had... she done that? She glanced at the extended claws. Red. Just like the grass under-paw. Just like the grass under Fallownose. Just like her nightmares that hadn't stopped, not even after he had appeared to her at the gathering.
Things were shifting now and the deputy stumbled to the side. It wasn't safe to be here. Her mind screamed at her to run, to get out. Without paying any attention to the direction she was going Dusklion fled away from the border, Fallownose's lifeless body still in her mind with one, coherent thought amidst the stormy chaos;
the dusk files.
