★~ And all these things that i've done [p]

[Blaaze]

♤ Goldfish ♤
♤The Ace of Spades♤
Go With The Flow | Agatha Kitty | Primal Instincts [Climbing]
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Unseen. Silent. Like a shadow bathed In sunlight, the riverclan warrior lay seemingly relaxed in the back of the warriors den. Recent events had left her tired and stressed. Constant exhaustion, constant stress. Never ending, never ceasing its hold tightly around her throat like a child gripping a toy. Her inner Turmoil had awoken hungrily. There were things it wanted, no, needed, to do. It needed to relax. Needed to set her free. Needed to leave her the hell alone. But it wouldn't. Couldn't. It had no interest in helping her whatsoever, onlyvharming the tortoiseshell. The Ace of Spades, although collected and focused, was broken.

"I wanna shine on, in the hearts of man"

But there was nothing wrong with her broken soul. Not really. It was alright to be shattered like glass inside. Because she wasn't on the outside. On the outside she was free. The wind from the crest of the mountain would sweep into her soul and sweep the shards of glass away, remove the tainted blood leaking into her thoughts. The blood was poison, an acidic ooze of venom trying to shrivel up her better judgement. But it wouldn't. Goldfish wouldn't let it. It would never ever lay its gray talons upon her solidified fortress circling around her thoughts. Keeping the bad ones from the outside out. But it was also keeping the bad ones from the inside in. A horrible, troubled circus keen on going in circles like a carousel, spinning thoughts away before whipping them back to the front of her head.

"I want a meaning on the back of my broken hand."

The silence was nearly defeaningly quiet. A silent Siren spinning and calling loudly until straining her ears hurt. The tortoiseshell silently resorted to grooming herself in the dimly lit den, golden hues glinting with something not even she herself could understand. Why was she feeling so.. confused? Spotty was home. Ashenkit was here. Shellbaby was okay. Jayfrost was.. well she hadn't actually seen him in a while. Mari was doing great. Oh, yes, she recalled. Dusklion was gone, and the clan would crumble if she didn't come back. She was a stable boat amidst a raging sea, carrying troubled passengers to safety. And if the boat sank, so would the passengers. A tedious balance, really. And they were tipping to the side. Without quick actions they would capsize.

"Another head aches, another heart aches"

Jayfrost came to her mind again. A dear friend of hers she often found herself relying on. It came to her head suddenly that he didn't rely on her very much. What if he needed to? Needed a shoulder to support him? He seemed pretty chill most of the time but nobody could stay okay forever. There would always be troublesome trials there to tear down your walls and beat the crap out of your castles. Perhaps he was going through one right now. Say, why was she being so paranoid? Everything had been changing too fast for her mind to catch up. Maybe that was why. Or it wasn't. Or she was just working herself to death. But that was okay. Constant physical exertion kept her in one piece. Kept her calm and collected.

"I'm so much older than I can take, my affection, well it comes and goes,"

Thats it, move. Think straight. Get up. Get on your own four paws. Sigh. There we go, now, isn't that better? Goldfish rose to her paws and shook out her fur. Stretched each leg In turn. Stopped her spinning head and tried to think properly. Oh, dear. No, this was a dream. Oh, yes, it was, she could see now. That's why her thoughts were wishy washy and she couldn't walk right. That's why it was dark when she left the den. No, no, it wasn't. Was it? Utter confusion. She shook out her head. The world stopped spinning. She needed fresh air. Yes, that's what she needed. She felt like a kit. Like a shadows were chasing her. What the heck was going on? The shadows were chasing her. No, they weren't. She halted for a moment, and found herself falling. When she bonked her head, everything looked normal again. Yeah it was still night but everything was okay now. A shaky inhale. Shaky exhale. She'd been half asleep. The first part of everything had been a dream, then she had woken up and left the den. That made sense. Wow, everything felt better. But when she rose to her paws again she remembered Spotty was pregnant and Shellbaby was seakit. Right. Stupid Spotty. Oh, there was Jayfrost! What a coincidence. He was in the warriors den, awake. She slid back into the den and walked quietly toward his nest. "Can't sleep?" She asked quietly, feeling a lot better now that she had air in her lungs.

"I need direction to perfection oh no no no, no."
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@alec [this is a mess but ]

[alec]

->> jayfrost <<-
[ he/him | riverclan | 32moons | killer aptitude t3 ]
CW: self destructive behaviour, like depression, hes just not doing well

jayfrost had sought out the cool of the clearing, feeling like he was suffocating surrounded by warm bodies and stagnant air. his lungs had been a bit troublesome as of recent, dust and pollen causing occasional coughing that felt like someone was tearing him around from the inside. it was fine though, he couldnt go to berrypaw, not that he didnt like the kid, it was just.. the changes with mistyshard..everything just felt so unstable, a simple cough no more than a insignificant worry reserved for the quiet hours of the night. besides, honeypaws death had been hard on him, and it felt like his failure to protect the very cat he was supposed to protect and raise..it had just erased all the progress he had made since cardinals death.
things had..not been the best. jay was well aware he had been distant, pulling away from the people he had in his life and falling back on old habit he had hoped to have burried moons ago. but alas. scrawny and tired looking, he had long given up on attempting to hide the outwards signs, spots of rough or twinning fur and his horrible healed or healing scars just to name a few.
when the cold started to become biting, jayfrost slipped back into the warriors den, internally thanking himself for choosing a nest so close to the entrance. he couldnt do otherwise either way, the concept of sleeping in a enclosed space was nearly too much on its own, being hidden behind a wall of bodies and unable to see out..no.
angular head rested atop small front paws, crossed at the ankle and getting pretty uncomfortable with the weight of his head pressing down on it, the warrior lay, unmoving, thoughts still wandering aimlessly. until a mysterious figure appeared at the entrance, briefly giving jayfrost a scare as their body blocked off the moonlight but relaxing once he was able to make out it was goldfish. he shifted more towards the edge of his nest, giving goldfish silent invitation to join him.
"mmhh.. jus' been thinkin'" jayfrost hummed in confirmation, tiredly blinking at goldfish. "why are you still up?"


[ @Blaaze - a short one, but a reply after what? a month...oups ]