soft clouds, warming rays shining upon the dark canopy of pine needles overhead, breaking through the gaps and turning the soil a warm brown, speckled with golden spots of light, lush grass moving softly in the wind. it was peaceful, nothing out of the ordinary, greenleaf had been kind to shadowclan this season cycle, yet rookfire felt a weird floatiness as his dark pelt brushed mossfreckles, stomach feeling like it was ready to do a flip every time mossy green eyes met his silver ones. there was calm, a unfamiliar lack of discomfort, for once, none of the fears of rejection or pressures to be what he had always been supposed to be for mossfreckle, as if being himself was alright for once, be it simply for a few moments and in the company of one feline only. perhaps the one who had seen the most of who he truly was, not just the elaborate character the enforcer had built to protect himself, but the whole thing, from scrawny riverclan apprentice over standing blood drenched over golden pelt to cowering on the ground shaking, crying and wanting nothing more than to disappear. since that one fateful night mossfreckle entered his life, he had been the only constant, even after death threats, and blood shed, blood shed for him. he remained. papa died, mother left, sister gone, goldfish might as well die for all he cared, marigoldkit in riverclan, cobwebpaw a weak snake probably still begging for any kind of recognition within riverclan, but mossfreckle, he had never lied to him. never had he not put his cards on the table. he was the only one he could trust to not backstab him at the next turn whenever it would be good for them...
recognising his thoughts as straying into weird territory rookfire did his best to return to admiring the nature
and the tom trotting besides him, lush and green, thriving,
sweet with a shine in his eyes rook never wanted to see fade away, returning to its full glory after a leafbare spent in hiding, there was a comparison to his own life before shadowclan and now somewhere but rookfire couldnt focus long enough to pinpoint it
, too distracted by silky spotted pelt pressed against his own and the emotion he could only describe as something between embarassment and happiness swirling in his stomach.
the odd pull, - cause to a lot of fleeting unecesarry brushes of dark pelt against light brown, standing closer than need be he had taken to worrying about at night - , he had been feeling to the other mostly quieted by brushing pelts, walking close enough to feel mossfreckles leg shift alongside his own, the enforcer didnt notice mossfreckle somehow knock into him in a way that threw both of them off their paws, sending them straight into a bush, before it was too late. now, reality catching up to him, rookfire looked around from where he lay, one of his legs trapped beneath mossfreckles back, to eye the location they had ended up in. surrounded by long stalks topped with blueish purple flowers, rookfire shouldve recognised the plant long before noticing the low rumble working its way from his chest up his throat. jaws parting almost automatically to let more of the smell in, rookfire wiggled a bit, freeing his leg and causing the flowers they had crushed to cloud them in another wave of airborne catmint. mind hazy, the enforcer too a moment to process mossfreckles head tucked under his own leaning into the embrace and pretty much shutting down his already overwhelmed mind momentarily.
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perhaps it was the freedom of not worrying about anything else for once, maybe he had just needed things to fall into place and this was the exact thing that would make him realise that
oh. he was in love. desperately and embarassingly in love. briefly, he felt like he couldnt breathe, chest caving in on itself and crushing lungs and heart and everything else hidden behind ribs and icy walls built to protect everything dear to him. it couldnt be. he couldnt. there was nothing. nothing but rage and fear. riverclan had burnt the love his heart held to a crisp and left him with walls built of stone to protect what had been hurt by words and actions alone, there was
nothing that should give him the ability to feel this. yet, here he was, memories crashing down around him, every little thing he did, every time he felt the burning urge to impress the other, every time he had acted foolishly. stars he was nauseous. this wasnt right. he couldnt be so dependent on another, he couldnt- no he had already found his figurative place by mossfreckles paws, there was no more falling from gace, there had never been any pride left to preserve. even without the realisation that the bright warmth mossfreckle made him feel was love, rookfire had automatically sorted himself into the place he belonged in. cold fear rushed through his body, washing away the haze floating around his mind and stopping the suns warming rays from reaching his body and his whole form tensed. what was he to do. what was the correct way to handle this. he wanted to run. where? to camp? no, he couldnt go where the herbalist could easily find him. further into the territory- wait- no, no he couldnt run, he couldnt- stars oh stars how..how could he handle this. with a slight tremble running through his limbs, the enforcer pulled mossfreckle closer, let the herbalists head rest against his throat whilst he stared into the pine needle covered branches overhead. he tried to keep the fear at bay, force all the emotions back inside, stop his headbeat from drumming a fast paced rhythm against his throat and chest and swallow the nausea. rook could deal with this when he was alone. he could do this without causing drama. there was no reason to have another breakdown in front of mossfreckle. he was overreacting. mossfreckle was just being kind. he was kind and he put up with a filthy riverclanner who clearly didnt know his place and wanted more than what he had been offered, even though what he got was more than he deserved. it was fine, it was fine, he was going to be fine. this would be fixed.
he could fix this! panic built as his internal chanting, meant to calm himself down, grew more frantic, controlled breathing turned painful short gasps he couldnt keep concealed no matter how hard he tried. recognising the numb feeling in his paws, his thoughts slipping further and further into fear only, embarrassment only barely keeping a spot in his focus. he couldnt- this couldnt- not again, no no no- oh god he felt like he was dying. he opened his eyes, unsure when he had closed them, and found himself several tail lengths away from where he had known himself to be at last, cowering on the ground now instead of laying on his back with mossfreckle pressed close. he didnt feel like turning his insides out, yet the feeling of touching or having touched mossfreckle didnt really do much to help the lingering feeling of discomfort. it wasnt him. rookfire knew it wasnt because of the herbalist, he didnt- he just count- this- he was the one who couldnt- shouldnt! be- the dark tom pressed his eyes shut, white flashing in his vision so violently his head was spinning. like he had been under water too long, all air having left his body and now the water was pressing the life out of him, starting with the bright white feeling filling his head. the water- pressing down on his chest- breaking bones. pierced lungs- he couldnt breathe. he was going to die. claws dug into soil as if grasping a lifeline, perhaps an attempt to steady himself in attempt to inhale a lungful of air yet failing miserably, resulting in one choked of gasp, a period of coughing that robbed him of all vision as it scratched his lungs raw from the inside, before returning to sucking in miniscule breaths of air quickly.
your eyes are like the moon and i want to be your star [ p ]
Mossfreckle is Shadowclan’s Medicine Cat 
