hi hi!! instead of making individual threads, I thought just making one large one would be easier to keep up with, so I'm doing that. as the title suggests, this is a va collection for my characters. seeing as this is a personal thread, I'd appreciate if nobody left a reply on it, but I hope everyone enjoys reading the ones I end up posting!
all content will be tagged appropriately if they need trigger warnings, of course. so keep an eye out for that! but just to be safe, if there are trigger warnings needed, I will put the actual va in a spoiler.
it is no secret that quillpaw is a cold tom. standoffish, even. he keeps to himself for the most part unless he asks a warrior for training, or feels the need to strike up a conversation with one of his siblings (or vice versa), or talk to his grandmother. he is unwelcoming, sour, even supercilious. as prickly as a cactus, his clanmates have only ever been subjected to his ire. if they're lucky, complete indifference. he's never gone out of his way to be kind, it's simply not in his blood. it feels foreign, like a sickness when he tries – a distinct feeling of discomfort follows and he feels awkward, disgusted, perhaps.
it is just who he is. even his family does not receive endless kindness from the tom. really, only a few of his siblings receive a rare praise, occasionally. if there's one family member that sees the tiniest glimpse of an almost kind quill, it is his grandmother or bleedingpaw. his grandmother is the leader – dawnstar herself, one of the longest reigning leaders save for twilightstar and possibly the fiercest. the best. he wants to be like that. and bleedingpaw..the blonde bengal reminds him of mirepaw in a way, wherever his sister is at. somewhere. anywho, even then he wouldn't say he's kind ..he simply respects his grandmother and admires her in a way, while he's just not snippy with bleedingpaw and believes he could have potential.
even then, he's not close with those two. he's not particularly close with anyone in shadowclan. not grandmother, or lostspark or darkfall, or his countless siblings. it's better that way, quillpaw reasons, probably followed by a scoff. more than half his littermates are gone in some way, either missing or dead. his parents only make his temper flare and he doesn't want to hear any of their meaningless words, their relationship is practically non-existent anyway. so, why be close to some cat? everyone irritates him in one way or another.
despite these feelings, he still feels..a weird feeling when he sees connected families. or when he lets his mind linger on his lost littermates a little too long, promptly pushing their existence and the memories surrounding them into the back of his mind. it's a feeling similar to how he felt when sleepysunrise gazed at him with gentle eyes – discomfort. perhaps some part of him deep, deep down craves a connection with his family that's more than just the blood that ties them all together. a sense of normalcy, or what is perceived as normalcy. warmth instead of the cold.
as if. I don't need such a thing, quillpaw swiftly rejects the idea with a scrunch of his nose. and so, the concept is shoved away to the depths of his mind. how embarrassing of him. besides..there are far more important things that will actually benefit him.
CONTENT WARNINGS: panic attack, anxiety, mentions of murder and description of injuries
⤿ file no. 2 : thinking, 'im not afraid of you now'
SQUIRRELRISE 14 moon old molly. purrks: chill of death, hulk SMASH.
it's the dead of night when squirrelrise's eyes snap open, wide and full of a whirlwind of emotions. the first thing her body registers is the tightness of her chest. it hurts. why does it hurt so bad? she feels dizzy. her heart skips a beat as she tries to draw in a deep breath, only for it to feel like there's boulders worths of weight on her chest. it hurts. her chest heaves, breathing labored with what short breaths she manages to take. oh stars, her whole chest hurts and her stomach churns, she feels like the whole world's closing in on her. when's the last time she experienced this feeling so intensely? her ears pin themselves to her skull as she topples out of her nest after snatching something, inching towards the mouth of the warrior's den, desperate to get out of the cramped space.
stumbling into the open clearing, she mumbles incoherently under her breath – a prayer is what it sounds like. breathe, breathe, breathe..breathe, squirrelrise, she tries to calm herself, tears swelling in her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. frustrating. this is frustrating and she's scared, so scared. her hearts beating against her chest so intensely she can hear it in her ears and she feels a lump forming in her throat. she slowly slumps to the camp ground, squeezing her eyes shut. what even triggered this? oh. that's right. the nightmare. her continuously rising panic has made her forget it momentarily.
it had been of that tom. the one from the battle – who's claws had ripped across her pelt. who she'd buried her teeth into the neck of, draining his life like some sort of monster. it'd been a horribly vivid dream, too real for her liking – revolving around her crime. yet only this time in the dream, the tom continued talking after he died. speeches of his family, his friends, devotion to his clan. how she was -- is -- a monster with blood staining her paws. why did she do that? why did she kill him? she's going to the dark forest for this. a suitable sentence for such an action. she thought she was over this.
"no," she chokes out, opening her eyes to glance around wildly. her gaze lands on the item she'd taken from her nest before she left the den - the pebble she'd given goopywhisker. she didn't want it to be taken or lost while he's..wherever he's at, so she decided to take it for her own until he returns. one white paw lands on the smooth pebble, using it as a grounding technique to force herself to focus. it's not her fault. not her fault. he jumped at her. he was going to kill her. she did it in self defense. deep breaths, she reminds herself, finally managing to successfully take in a deep breath. the pain in her chest lessens ever so slightly as she repeats the motion. it was an accident – I didn't do it on purpose..I'm not evil, she reassures herself.
she lays there for what feels like hours, paw splayed over the pebble as she goes about the motions of trying to calm down. eventually, it works and her chest still aches but she can..breathe and she's alive. it was just a dream, she reminds herself as she slowly pushed herself into a sitting position, blinking away a few more tears. 's not my fault, I was..a child. it was life or death, she thinks with a small sniffle. "it's..o-okay, I am..ok..ay.." she mumbles in an uneven voice, exhaling shakily. she draws the pebble closer, suddenly feeling exhausted from the sheer anxiety and sobs that wracked her body earlier. still, she thinks she'll stay out here for awhile. . .
SQUIRRELRISE 16 moon old molly. purrks: chill of death, hulk SMASH.
midnight.
midnight is squirrelrise's least favorite time of the day. it is, however, her brains favorite time of the day, seeing as she's always either awake already by this time or is woken up from her slumber. this time being the latter. she's not sure why. she had a nightmare, yes, but usually she falls back into a state that resembles sleep - but not quite - after a few moments. this time, however, she finds herself slipping out of the log that is the crowded warrior's den and into the clearing.
it is cold. enough so that when she sits, she rests her front paws on her tail so her pads don't get too cold, and she sniffles. the night sky is clouded, just a sliver of the moon visible and filtering through, illuminating some parts of the clearing. she glances around, noticing that the rest of the camp is as quiet as can be. she's the only one awake ..or the only one who bothered to leave her respective den. she's sure if...if goopywhisker were here then, most likely, she would have stayed in the warrior's den and simply shuffled over to her best friend, and lay in his nest. or pull her nest right next to his. but, he is not here anymore ..and neither is featherblossom. she knows that what happened to her friends is not her fault but she feels as though that something small led to all this happening. butterfly effect, if you will. her maw draws into a straight line, trying to fight the frown that wants to form.
she blinks, letting her thoughts stew within her mind (as they always do.) she knows that, by some chance if she were there, she wouldn't be able to stop what happened. wouldn't be able to protect them. her? against a few dogs? against a rockfall? she almost lets out a bitter laugh at the absurdity of it. possibly, an attempt to cheer herself up just a bit. nothing really makes her laugh very much anymore. but back onto the point – she could not protect goopywhisker or featherblossom. maybe that makes her bitter in some way. or glad. both? both.
but she wants to try to protect the rest of her friends and family, like gutspaw and mistlewhisker. her apprentices too, of course. though her mother and gutspaw are perfectly capable of protecting themselves, she's sure there will be a time when she's in a position where they'll need some sort of help. which..means..fighting. her nose wrinkles and her brows furrow. she feels her heart begin to race at the realization. she's been..well, avoiding battle as a whole ever since the raid on riverclan because she is horrified. she's starting to think, though, that she..might..need to try to work through that fear. for the sake of being helpful. being able to protect her loved ones. even if she feels sick and her legs feel weak at the concept of fighting, even if it's simply a spar. she lets out a dry wheeze sound.
I need to, though, I really do, squirrelrise thinks, slowly beginning to curl in on herself until she's crouching and her head is ducked. she squeezes her eyes shut, murmuring something incoherently. after a long few moments pass, she slowly sits up, taking a deep breath of the cold night air. she will..do it. she'll work on her battle skills, as much as she's scared to. though, she's sure she'll back out of it at least a few times because of her nerves. despite that, she believes (somewhat) that she's got this. she has to.
furrensic files || va collection
, but I hope everyone enjoys reading the ones I end up posting! 
