dig me out [p]

[val]

tw; suicide mention

one too many blinks got a single drop rolling - though rolling is too slow a word, this tear darts away to soak the ground - down his cheek.

he didn't want to believe what Yarrow is saying. he wanted to pretend it was a nightmare he was having from a plush pillow in a twoleg home, recounting his daytime fantasies about death in his subconscious and projecting upon the ones he loves. but pretending would be ignorance, and he can't ignore the cruel reality his son was entertaining.

gritting his teeth again, bones grinding together, he bit back a million words he knew could never mend this. would anything he said work? he doesn't remember anything convincing him otherwise in his final moments. but that was because he was a hopeless cause. it cannot be helped.

but Yarrow could be. he had to.

no matter how guilty his words made him. he didn't care if he was being selfish. if loving his son was wrong, he didn't want to be right.

he shook his head once more, though more gently this time. "it's fine," he replied quietly. "if that's how you feel...who am i to silence you?" he didn't know what else to say. he has no soothing balm with which to heal Yarrow, and he himself isn't enough to persuade him.

what a damn hypocrite he was. he'd laugh at himself if he weren't crying right now.

"it's better that you told me. so now i know and-" a small, shuddering hiccup cut off his words. "-and i c'n tell you not t' do somethin' stupid 'cause i love you, okay?"

@silver.

[silver.]

he/him // 25 moons // thc warrior
purrks: mind reader [INACTIVE], flock together tier 1 [INACTIVE]

---

It wasn't his intention to make him cry. Wasn't his intention for any of this to happen at all. But here they were nonetheless, crying and staring at each other with nothing but painful words sticking between them. Swallowing back a gulp he redirects his attention elsewhere to avoid looking at the mess he caused. Because he too was selfish. Maybe even more selfish than his father. Yeah, actually, way more selfish. Here he was debating ending it all when the cat standing in front of him was already dead. It was in poor taste. For as observant as he could be he was... So incredibly stupid right now.

Then he's being thanked. Thanked for this stupid behavior? Thanked for saying things that would have him winding up in the medicine cat den? He shouldn't be thanked for anything. The only thing he should be thanked for was somehow staying alive when all his loved ones slipped from his grasp like fish between his paws, down the river never to be seen again. All of a sudden he freezes up, fur standing on end. That word... He hadn't heard that word since Sparrow was still around. Not since he was caring for his kits. Not since the day Alder had disappeared. Love... He still loved him despite it all.

Lucky him.

"I... I'll try. For you. I can't make any promises but I can try."

alderstep | @narcissus
(sorry this is kinda doodoo WEEHH )

[val]

despite that, he didn't find himself relieved. he chewed on his tongue with worry, jade eyes flicking over the apparition of his son as if he could find the issues on his pelt and pluck them off easily.

nothing's ever been that easy.

"thank you," came his shaky, muted reply. he wanted nothing more than to pick Yarrow up by the scruff and carry him far, far away from the grief that plagued him. it wasn't fair. he didn't deserve to feel this way. he could think of plenty of cats that should feel worse pain - why did it always find the ones he loved?

he stood there awkwardly for a moment before finally sitting beside Yarrow. wiping his face off surreptitiously with a white, starry paw, he sighed softly.

what went wrong?

no matter how often he asked himself that question, he never found a definitive answer.

maybe it was him.

"...are you gonna - wish me luck?" he faintly joked as he cleared his eyes and peered intently at his son.

@silver.

[silver.]

he/him // 25 moons // thc warrior
purrks: mind reader [ACTIVE], flock together tier 1 [INACTIVE]

---

The tense atmosphere slowly begins to fade. Above their heads threatening storm clouds disperse into a pleasant night sky, reminiscent of the tom's pelt at his side. Alderstep was a liar. Always had been. Locked his feelings up tight and said things to spare his feelings. But he could tell... He meant it. For once there was a genuine worry in the other's words. Genuine longing and love. So Yarrow would believe him. He would hold on a bit longer and wait for him to come back for him like no one else has yet to.

At some point someone would have to come back for him, right?

What he hadn't been expecting was some kind of lightheartedness between them. As if moments ago Yarrow hadn't been debating whether or not he would toe the line of death. So he can't help but laugh. At first it's quiet giggles that bubble into the otherwise quiet night air. But slowly it grows into a fit that has tears welling at the corners of his eyes. How funny! Wish him luck, huh? Ask a younger, more naive Yarrowcrest and he would have told him that he didn't need luck. That he would make it happen because that was the kind of cat the Thunderclan deputy was. But perhaps nowadays the old idiot would need a bit of luck, huh?

"Of course, of course. Good luck, Alderstep." He says with a small smile, blue eyes glassy from his laughter. "I hope you won't need it."

alderstep | @narcissus

[val]

at the giddy sound of his son's laughter, he smiled weakly. he hadn't really expected it - he'd been ready with a 'tough crowd, eh?' at the tip of his tongue - but he welcomed it all the same. it's easier to laugh, he guessed, when you've felt nothing but a crushing weight on your chest for what seemed like forever. anything had to be funny.

"maybe only a little," he told Yarrow wryly. "a honey-drop of luck. just in case," he murmured the last bit. his tail lashed at his side before he delicately laid it across his son's two-colored back, trying to maintain the illusion of reality.

he can't remember when he let the young warrior past his guarded barriers, maybe it was their hunt together, or when Yarrow'd come to him for advice and insisted his way into his personal life. responsibility, despite death, hung heavy on his bones. here's someone who's never going to be the same, still relying on him somehow. you have to be there.

"alderstep. what an old name," he remarked, more to himself than anything. "maybe i'll change it. again," he mused tangentially.

with a small sigh, he began preparing himself to say goodbye.

it was poison gathering in his mouth. (ironic, he thought sardonically). "well, i hope the days become sunnier, and the rains gentler, and the nights restful, and the chores easier. i'll see you, and you'll see me soon." time will pass and it'll feel like a whisker of a day compared to the moons we've spent wandering afraid and alone.

even now dread gripped his heart with iron claws. failure, he couldn't accept from himself any longer.

you just have to have a honey-drop of luck. just a smidge of faith, he told himself. if one person believes in you, why can't yourself?

@silver.