dig me out [p]

[narcissus]

tw; suicide mention

one too many blinks got a single drop rolling - though rolling is too slow a word, this tear darts away to soak the ground - down his cheek.

he didn't want to believe what Yarrow is saying. he wanted to pretend it was a nightmare he was having from a plush pillow in a twoleg home, recounting his daytime fantasies about death in his subconscious and projecting upon the ones he loves. but pretending would be ignorance, and he can't ignore the cruel reality his son was entertaining.

gritting his teeth again, bones grinding together, he bit back a million words he knew could never mend this. would anything he said work? he doesn't remember anything convincing him otherwise in his final moments. but that was because he was a hopeless cause. it cannot be helped.

but Yarrow could be. he had to.

no matter how guilty his words made him. he didn't care if he was being selfish. if loving his son was wrong, he didn't want to be right.

he shook his head once more, though more gently this time. "it's fine," he replied quietly. "if that's how you feel...who am i to silence you?" he didn't know what else to say. he has no soothing balm with which to heal Yarrow, and he himself isn't enough to persuade him.

what a damn hypocrite he was. he'd laugh at himself if he weren't crying right now.

"it's better that you told me. so now i know and-" a small, shuddering hiccup cut off his words. "-and i c'n tell you not t' do somethin' stupid 'cause i love you, okay?"

@silver.

[silver.]

he/him // 25 moons // thc warrior
purrks: mind reader [INACTIVE], flock together tier 1 [INACTIVE]

---

It wasn't his intention to make him cry. Wasn't his intention for any of this to happen at all. But here they were nonetheless, crying and staring at each other with nothing but painful words sticking between them. Swallowing back a gulp he redirects his attention elsewhere to avoid looking at the mess he caused. Because he too was selfish. Maybe even more selfish than his father. Yeah, actually, way more selfish. Here he was debating ending it all when the cat standing in front of him was already dead. It was in poor taste. For as observant as he could be he was... So incredibly stupid right now.

Then he's being thanked. Thanked for this stupid behavior? Thanked for saying things that would have him winding up in the medicine cat den? He shouldn't be thanked for anything. The only thing he should be thanked for was somehow staying alive when all his loved ones slipped from his grasp like fish between his paws, down the river never to be seen again. All of a sudden he freezes up, fur standing on end. That word... He hadn't heard that word since Sparrow was still around. Not since he was caring for his kits. Not since the day Alder had disappeared. Love... He still loved him despite it all.

Lucky him.

"I... I'll try. For you. I can't make any promises but I can try."

alderstep | @narcissus
(sorry this is kinda doodoo WEEHH )