how do i say goodbye?

[taillow]

BRAVEBIRD
she/her | windclan fury

About a moon or so had passed since her kits had come into the world, and things were changing for Bravebird.

The first was her view towards them. Once nothing more than warm, squishy hairballs that would go on to become great additions to the Clan, the lilac lynx-point now saw them as more. Watching them tumble around the nursery together, already so full of live as their little legs carried them as quickly as they could in various games of tag or moss-ball... She even found herself constantly worrying over their health and well-being, seeing every little trip or tumble as a potential injury. The Fury wondered if this was what the queens talked about - the love that came from having kits.

Pure love. Unconditional love. The only love that could, perhaps, rival the love to one's Clan...

The second was her place in the Clan. A mother... it was a title that Bravebird never thought she would have. A mate and kits and all of that had never been appealing to the spitfire, and it had always been something she turned her nose up at. Why would perfectly strong warriors ever choose to do this? The Fury wouldn't have had an answer just a few moons ago, but now the new mother wouldn't trade it for the world. She adored every moment of it, from cooing her kits to refereeing kit games to even the sights and sounds of the once unbearable nursery.

The third... Well, the third was Hawkfur. A friend - perhaps her closest friend behind Crowtooth and Fallownose. A cat she hadn't had many interactions with before that fateful day our on the moorlands when she had spotted him looking miserable over his apprentice. He had been so sulky then, and she had been determined to make him feel better. It was a day that had blossomed more than just a conversation between mentors though - it was the start of their friendship - a bond that was unlike any Bravebird had ever built or found in WindClan.

...And if she were being honest with herself, it had developed into more. She wasn't entirely sure when or how, but when she looked at Hawkfur now, so full of pride over being a father and radiating what a true WindClanner should be... Bravebird found that she had unconditionally and irrevocably fallen in love with him.

He was here in the nursery with her now. Their perfect life, surrounded by their kits and the Clan. The gentle comfort of the peaceful greenleaf they'd been having ever since those vile fish had been driven from the forest. Bravebird smiled softly, watching as Crowkit, Gracklekit, and Egretkit all tumbled together on the nursery floor in front of-

A sudden cough wracked her body, this one worse than the ones that had come before it. The utopia she had in her mind faded away to reveal reality; a sick Bravebird in her nest while her kits played a little ways away. Hawkfur was here, despite her attempts to get him to leave incase whatever she had was contagious. So far, no herb had been found to treat it - to no fault of Lightningstorm (which the Fury had gone out of her way to remind the medicine cat of each chance she got... likely out of guilt for what had been her last words to Original Memory Lightningstorm).

...It was different this time. The lethargy had been getting worse despite her attempts to hide it, and nausea was a constant. Bravebird couldn't remember the last time she had eaten anything. Her energy was at a near flatline these days, and she hadn't much seen the outside of the nursery in what felt like moons. The ever-persistent pounding in her head was worse today, and all the Fury wanted to do was sleep.

She knew. She had felt death's claws once before, and these talons had the same curvature, the same painful sting. It made her throat tigthen with emotion as tears misted her eyes. The edges of her vision were getting blurry, and each breath felt like it took more and more energy. "Hawkfur..." Bravebird rasped, her voice trailing off as she drew in another shaky breath. "I... don't think... there is much..." Another shaky cough as a wave of nausea rolled over her. She leaned back against him, silently cursing herself that she had been putting off confessing her feelings for him.

Perhaps... now was the time. Before asking him to go get her mother, as well as everyone else.

"I have... something I want to tell you..." She had to get this out before those invisible claws clenched any tighter. Turning herself so that she was facing him more, Bravebird smiled. "...Remember that day... when I came across you... out in the.... moorlands?" A breathless laugh. "You looked like... a lump on... a log," she continued in between breaths, her blue eyes never leaving his face. "And now... look at you... I sure shaped you up... quite well..." The tease was lighthearted as she blinked at him. Stars, she wished he had done this sooner.

"When I asked... you to have these kits... I never thought-" Bravebird broke off as another bout of coughs shook her. She ducked her head, instinctively moving closer towards Hawkfur as if it was his scent that would calm her down. Which... it did. As she regained her breath she lifted her head once more and offered a small half-smile. "...I never thought... you, and this- our... little family... would become so much more... than just a duty to... WindClan..." Because they were; because he was. More, that is. "...I thought that... being a warrior... was the greatest thing... I'd ever do in my life... until I had... our kits." This was it. Bravebird took a moment, feeling her strength waivering. "...You have... changed my life, Hawkfur... and have shown me that... there is more to life... than just being a warrior. Thank you... for loving me... and for allowing me... to love you in return."

Her head started to swim with dizziness as a weak cough left her. There was more she wanted to say - there always would be, wouldn't there? - but Bravebird didn't want to leave without saying goodbye this time. There were those she didn't get the chance to say goodbye to - Wolffang stuck out in her mind, for one. She knew the cats around her would know it was coming. It wasn't as simple as something that could easily been healed by a herb or two.

She was... dying. It was truly happening.

"Can you... go get Dapplebreeze... Crowtooth and Firestorm,... and.... Twilightstar?"

[ Hawkfur - @Mica ]
[ Crowtooth - @Rani ] [ Dapplebreeze (and Lightningstorm if you'd like!) ] [ Firestorm - @Dark ] [ Twilightstar - @Moonraven ]
[ okay so for this, brave was confirmed to have an untreatable illness/infection that has slowly gotten worse. so IC while her death might still be a shock, it would've been something that was discussed that lightningstorm wouldn't know how much time she'd have left, ok'd by alch ]

[Mica]

Hawkfur
WindClan Fury
he/him | 52 moons
[Russet tabby with tuxedo markings and sky blue eyes]
Purrks: Flock Together T3, Beefed Up T1, Radiohead [INACTIVE]
⋆˖⁺‧₊☽ The Hanged Man ☾₊‧⁺˖⋆
· · ────────────── · ·
[Bravebird - @taillow ] [Dapplebreeze/Lightningstorm - @Alchemist Kitsune ] [Crowtooth - @Rani ] [Firestorm - @Dark ] [Twilightstar - @Moonraven ]
· · ────────────── · ·
"Daisy... you fight and return, only to learn that you have lost her..."

It should have been a moon of joy. And it was, really. Hawkfur had never been happier than when he was with his kits, teaching them his favorite races, how to play mossball, watching them crowd Bravebird and call her "mama". But an undercurrent of sadness had taken hold, and was swiftly carrying the new family towards the inevitable.

It had started with a cough, fatigue. Pain in her abdomen, nausea. Hawkfur had wanted to believe that it was nothing but post-kitting stress and healing, but as fevers rolled in and the coughs got worse, the true nature of the beast that held the family in its maw revealed itself.

Lightningstorm's sympathetic face haunted Hawkfur's dreams. The soft, tentative way she spoke, as though he was a trapped animal she did not want to spook. And stars, he felt like one. "There is no cure. Not that I know of."

Hawkfur had never left Bravebird's side, since. Even though his big form was taking up too much space in the nursery, and he was neglecting his duties as a Fury, those things could piss off for all he cared. He was going to spend as much time with the mother of his children as he could, before that chance was ripped from him forever. The Clan would remain. Twilightstar would remain. Bravebird...

Would not.

"Daisy... my waiting is through. If you bring her to me... I'll be indebted to you."

Every single night, Hawkfur prayed to StarClan. He begged, he pleaded, he offered anything for Bravebird to be healed and to live on with her sons and daughter. One night, after Bravebird had fallen asleep and Hawkfur knew Crowtooth was keeping an eye on her, the Fury had traveled out to the highest hill on the moor and screamed himself hoarse at the stars. He had cursed them, begged them, offered himself in her stead. "NO KIT SHOULD GROW UP WITHOUT THEIR MOTHER!" He had howled. "NOT LIKE I DID! PLEASE!"

But every time, he was met with only silence.

"I've come so far, for her. The finest caviar for her..."

So Hawkfur spent the last moon of his time with Bravebird making sure she enjoyed it. He brought her her favorite prey, he put on silly shows with the kits (which mostly consisted of the kits trying to take him down while he groaned dramatically on the ground), and he held her through long nights of shivering and convulsing from pain.

Those weren't even the worst nights. The worst nights were when nothing happened at all. When Bravebird was feeling alright, the pain having subsided for a short spell. Those nights he spent awake, watching every rise and fall of her chest, matching his own breaths to hers and reminding himself that she was alive. She would make it to the morning. He wasn't out of time yet.

It was agony, seeing her healthy again. It was just a sick reminder of everything that would be taken away from her the next morning when she woke up suffering, her carefully constructed facade crumbling under the pain. It made him so angry. So hateful. Hateful to StarClan for putting her through this; hateful to himself for being so stars damned useless. The only thing keeping him from approaching his father was the knowledge that Bravebird would never forgive him for it. But wouldn't that be alright? She could hate him for the rest of their lives, as long as she was there to raise their kits. No, Hawkfur didn't want that. He was selfish and pathetic and wanted Bravebird to love him until she took her last breath.

"Everything I own, every party thrown, all the nights alone, for her...!"

It had been a quiet day. Clouds left the moors sapped of their color, and a cool breeze skirted the camp. It was nice and warm in the nursery, and Crowkit, Egretkit and Gracklekit played together happily. Hawkfur laid behind Bravebird, gently rasping his tongue over her ears and letting his rumbling purr fill the quiet. While he wanted to pretend it was a happy, content purr, he knew it was just a self-soothing thing. Bravebird had woken up with difficulty today, and seemed to be declining rapidly. Bravebird pulled away, a rattling breath wracking her body. She turned to face him, and Hawkfur felt his blood turn to ice.

"No," he croaked, trying to muster a rousing smile. "Don't say that. I'm sure--" he was interupted by Bravebird speaking again. The day they met? Oh, he remembered. He had been so worried over Locustpaw then. He had no friends in the clan, and was content to be a hermit for the rest of his preferably short life. But then came this lilac-and-cream point, sticking her nose in his business and giving him sound advice. Agreeing to a race that ended with him owing her three rabbit tails. Three rabbit tails which were currently grappled in the paws of each of their kits. He chuckled weakly as she prodded him, shrugging. "Oh, you whipped me into shape alright." It was something he would be forever grateful for.

He listened intently as she spoke, even as his throat throbbed with building sorrow, knowing this speech was one meant for the end. Please, he begged. Please, not yet.

Even though her words obviously took effort to say, Bravebird pushed through each one with the strength of ten warriors. Each word had Hawkfur's heart melting more and more, both in love and sorrow. But it was the last few lines that had tears finally breaking through his composure. "I am honored you allowed me to go on this journey with you." He whispered.

"Daisy! She slipped through my hands, no one understands how she has changed me!"

The confession shattered him. She loved him. She really, really loved him. Hawkfur wept, leaning down to bury his nose in her shoulder. "I love you, Bravebird. I have loved you since you raced past me on the moors for the first time, since that first snow of Leafbare, since you showed me how to be alive again." He pulled back, meeting her gaze with the desperation of someone who needed to get his thoughts out and was running out of time. "You saved my life over and over again, Bravebird. Nothing I could ever do would repay you enough." He paused, not trusting his voice to continue. Sucking in a breath, he tried again. "I was going to spend the rest of our lives making it up to you."

Hawkfur reached down, pressing his muzzle against Bravebird's, the world fading away so it was only them. When her request reached his ears, Hawkfur nodded but stayed put. He only left once he could count on his legs to hold him, grief sucking his paws into the ground and threatening to drown him. "Of course." And Hawkfur slipped out of the nursery.

"Daisy! I need one more chance, if you bring her to me... I will know at a glance."

Finding everyone was easy. Hawkfur hardly remembered going place to place, seeing each face and relaying the news. All he could hear was Bravebird's words. "Thank you for allowing me to love you in return."

"Dapplebreeze." Hawkfur croaked, face to face with the mother of his mate. His mate. "Bravebird uh, wants everyone to gather." His broken gaze met hers. "It's..." he sucked in a breath, looking a little unstable before he steeled himself. "I have to get the others." "Thank you for allowing me to love you in return."


Crowtooth. Hawkfur took one look at his brother and the message was passed between them. "She wants to see everyone." He murmured, barely lucid enough to see the agony cross his friend's face before the skunk-striped tom was making a beeline for the nursery. "Thank you for allowing me to love you in return."

Firestorm. Where it all started, didn't it? She got to come back for her kits. Where were those kits now, he wondered? "Firestorm," Hawkfur studied the orange molly. "Bravebird isn't doing well. She asked to see you." He nodded to the nursery, blue gaze vacant. Haunted. "Thank you for allowing me to love you in return."

And that left the last cat to fetch. "Twilightstar?" Hawkfur called, suddenly at the entrance to her den. He didn't remember getting up there. "Bravebird asked for you. She thinks..." a hitched breath. "She thinks it's time." Once Twilightstar came out, Hawkfur would trudge to the nursery, each step heavier than the last. If he stayed out of the den forever, could he put off the inevitable? Would StarClan wait to kill the love of his life until he was there, watching? Did they even care that much?

He could tell Dapplebreeze, Crowtooth, and Firestorm were already in the den. The other queens and their kits had vacated the nursery to give the group space. Shouldering into the den, Hawkfur swallowed past the scent of sick. He wasted no time picking his way to Bravebird, laying down pressed against her back with his tail twined with hers.

[Rani]

Crowtooth
Windclan Tunneler/Fury | He/him | 50 Moons

Power Card: Cold Gust

How did one fight an enemy with no form? How did you protect someone from a pain and burden you couldnt shoulder for them? How could Crowtooth be so useless in so critical a fight?


Night after night after night after things had gone sour after birth. And yet nothing had ever changed. There was no miraculous turn around this time, no herb to fix things despite how Crowtooth had gently begged, proposing wild desperate ideas until Lightningstorm had ushered him away.
No matter how many nights he'd prayed to starclan silently beside Hawkblaze. Though of course starclan wouldnt answer a cat with a darkened power like his, so maybe his presence had hurt his friend in the end. He'd just been sure Blazingstar at least wouldve been kind enough to help he'd tried anyways, but had met silence but for a voice one night that reminded him of Coldamber, solemnly whispering that there were injustices even starclan couldnt fix.

He hadnt wanted to think on those words, wanting to chock them up to just a nightmare, but hearing the call he'd been dreading for so many days now made it ring true.

And so the world

f
e
l
l
A P A R T


There was nothing, nothing to fix this. No herbs or prey hand delivered or energetic little bundles of life watched to give respite and recovery. No prayer to delay the inevitable slow crawl of fate. No brave battle to defeat a murderous foe. Nothing.

Against death, all were rendered helpless as a babe, and felt it. Crowtooth certainly did.


First notified and closest to the nursery, having haunting it as he was like some strange early funeral clown desperately trying to get increasingly resigned souls to smile, and yet now he couldnt go in. For a time he just.... stood, knowing entering would solidify that this truely was the end and finding himself helpless, he couldnt.

If he walked in, that'd be it..... But if he didnt he knew he'd never see her again, not really, nevertheless. ......Crowtooth wasnt a coward, but stars he wished he was right now.

---

Bravebird was...... Golden, somehow despite it all. Even as her form had wasted away and coughs rattled her frame she shined with the love she held right now. In some ways it made no sense, in others all the sense in the world, Bravebird in her golden sunset of her life.

It was beautiful in the awe inspiring way, the one you felt in your bones and soul, but it was also terrible. After all, nothing gold could stay.
With the knowledge of a cat who'd died before it was clear this was days end. Bravebird wasnt coming back from death this time. Not again.




It was that that shook the tom from a moments vigil at the entrance to her side, Crowtooth wiggling his flank under her head as a pillow more gently then he'd ever done anything before and murmuring "There, should help the breathin' a mite. I know it can be hard when yer lungs are like that...."

After that thought he found himself choked for words, swallowing several times before he shoved himself to say what he needed to before he couldnt anymore, knowing he'd never forgive himself for wasting time right now. "I-.... Im gonna miss you somethin' awful ya know. Aint gonna go a day without knowin' somethin' important is missin' from the moor 'cuz ya had ta burn twice as bright half as long. I-" What could he say in this situation, what words of comfort or final expressions of love would be enough right now. Nothing could amount to tell Bravebird just what she'd meant to everyone and just how hollow the world was going to be now.


It needed to be said though, so despite the horrible wracking pain in his chest and throat, the build of tears in his eyes and the distant sound of cats gathering in Crowtooth murmured, muzzle soft against her head as he tried to remember his best friends scent for when there'd be nothing left to remind him anymore.
"Dont ya worry about the little ones, Im gonna be here, right by Hawkfur makin' sure they never go alone or unloved a day in their life. We'll steer 'em right, make sure they know how proud o' 'em you are. Ill make sure Hawkfur keeps his head on too so- so ya dont go frettin' ya hear?

Yer not goin' nowhere, not really. Every paw step I take, every good I do will be wit' ya right by my side helpin' me keep steady an' strong fer windclan. Just- just knowin' yer critiquin' my battle stance an' such from starclan instead o' here."

She wouldnt truely be gone or actionless in starclan, a fate the tom knew she wouldnt be able to stand, Bravebird would, for as long as Crowtooth lived, still be doing her utmost for windclan, as she always did. This, he swore.

---

Natures first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower,
But only so an hour.
The leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.


---
@Mica @taillow @Alchemist Kitsune @Dark @Moonraven