mom, am I still young? [p]

[furrensic]

CW: dissociation

SQUIRRELPAW
she/her. 12 moons. small russet molly with brown markings and yellow eyes.
[ chill of death ]

can I dream for a few months more?

the walk back to camp is silent, save for the light ringing in squirrelpaw's ears that effectively tune out any of her clanmate's voices. the process of getting her wounds treated is something she doesn't pay much mind to, it seems to pass in a second. in her mind, at least. fuzzy. her mind is fuzzy, and as she staggers to the apprentice's den, she's greeted with the few sleeping forms of her fellow apprentices. it seems most stayed awake due to the anticipation. there's no doubt a pawful of them wanted to go to the war.

her brows furrow. why didn't one of them go in her place? why did she have to go? there's better options. midnightpaw's strong and also a guard – not to mention the warriors. hell, goopywhisker would've been a better choice than her. at first, she'd thought she was chosen because it meant dawnstar saw ..something (whatever that something is, squirrelpaw doesn't know), in her but.. she doesn't. understand. her wounds ache, she's exhausted in more than one way, she's sure she can still taste the heavy metallic liquid in her mouth despite having drinking water, grooming the parts of her fur that wasn't covered in blood.

her paws shake, and she slowly backs out of the hollowed tree stump. sitting down, she looks around the dark clearing, barely illuminated by the scarce moonlight that filters through the canopy above. it feels..impossibly hard to focus, like all her clanmates that she could once pick out distinctly, are blurring together. she shakes her head. who is she looking for again..?? mistlewhisker, yes..mistlewhisker. where is she?, squirrelpaw wonders, gaze sweeping over the clearing.

[ @Mica ]

[Mica]

Mistlewhisker
ShadowClan Deputy
she/her | 41 moons
[Large black cat with a half white muzzle and a pale green eye]
Purrks: Beefed Up T3, Shadow Fiend
· · ────────────── · ·
[Squirrelpaw - @furrensic ]
· · ────────────── · ·
As the clan settled in for the night; battle-weary soldiers heading to warm nests and eager clanmates seeking stories, Mistlewhisker slowly lowered herself to the ground near the camp entrance. The soft murmuring of Mossfreckle and Grousepaw around the injured mingled with the chirps and chitters of the night. Dawn was rapidly approaching, but the clan of shadows could enjoy another hour of night.

Her shoulder throbbed under the salve Grousepaw had put on, but the familiar sting of marigold working reassured her. The apprentice had done well for his first time healing multiple cats after a hard battle. Mistlewhisker had told him she was proud of him, but she wasn’t entirely sure it was accepted. Grousepaw was still angry at her, it seemed, for becoming deputy. Leaving them behind, as they no doubt saw it. Mistlewhisker wouldn’t push her, but if Grousepaw decided she wanted to talk, they would talk.

For now, Mistlewhisker scanned the camp for her other kids wards. Goopywhisker had remained at camp to guard it, but Squirrelpaw had come to the battle. When they had left, the elder apprentice was covered in blood—some hers, some not—and ragged. Not just physically, but mentally as well.

Mistlewhisker spotted the red molly by the apprentice den, sitting on top of the rotted stump. She appeared to be looking for someone, too. When they locked eyes, Mistlewhisker beckoned her apprentice over so they could talk in the privacy of the shadows. She looked troubled.

[furrensic]

CW: dissociation

SQUIRRELPAW
she/her. 12 moons. small russet molly with brown markings and yellow eyes.
[ chill of death ]

gaze meeting her mentor's briefly, she hops off the top of the stump, padding over. an odd feeling envelopes her, something she feels she knows very well but also something foreign. like something lingering deep inside as if she's pushed it down and it's bubbling to the top, threatening to spill over. she shoves the feeling away, instead focusing on the cobwebs that mistlewhisker's adorns. there's more important things than how she feels about all that's happened tonight.

"mi-mistlewhisker," squirrelpaw mumbles the greeting with a dip of her head. the ringing in her ears subsides, mostly, now just a dull, faint sound in the background of her mind. her ears twitches before she speaks up again, yellow eyes falling on the treated left shoulder of the deputy's. she momentarily debates asking who the older molly fought, but decides against it swiftly.

"does -- ..how..do y-you feel..?" she asks, meeting mistlewhisker's gaze. she's certain that which ever cat she fought feels a thousand times worse, if they aren't -- she forces the thought away before she's even able to finish it.

[ @Mica ]

[Mica]

Mistlewhisker
ShadowClan Deputy
she/her | 41 moons
[Large black cat with a half white muzzle and a pale green eye]
Purrks: Beefed Up T3, Shadow Fiend
· · ────────────── · ·
[Squirrelpaw - @furrensic ]
· · ────────────── · ·
Mistlewhisker's spine prickled with vague irritation as Squirrelpaw's nervous gaze landed on her bandaged shoulder. It had nothing to do with the apprentice herself, just the fact that the weakness was obvious to anyone who looked at her. That, and bringing attention to it made it itch more.

Her gaze was soft, however, as she responded. "I am well. The adrenaline of battle is a feeling that I enjoy. The exhaustion after, too." Though now that she was deputy, she couldn't just go sleep after the battle. But once she was done, and the camp was settled, she would settle down for a well-deserved dreamless sleep. Lowering herself further, Mistlewhisker tucked in her paws so she could loaf comfortably. Due to her long legs she looked more like a rotisserie chicken (though if you ate a chicken the color of Mistlewhisker, you need to adjust your cooking times).

"Come, sit." She meowed, sweeping her tail beside her loafed form. "Something troubles you." Something always troubled Squirrelpaw, but the ghosts in her apprentice's eyes had both curiosity and concern flaring in Mistlewhisker's mind.

[furrensic]

CW: dissociation

SQUIRRELPAW
she/her. 12 moons. small, scarred russet molly with brown markings and yellow eyes.
[ chill of death ]

"oh." is all squirrelpaw is able to murmur, feeling her pelt prickle with some sense of confusion. is she the only cat in shadowclan that doesn't enjoy adrenaline? especially the sort brought by bloodshed. though, she supposes she should expect nothing less from a battle hardened cat such as mistlewhisker. still, it's hard to imagine anyone could grow used to such danger, let alone enjoy it. did mistlewhisker share some of the same worries she's having currently? that...is..hard to imagine, she thinks.

she blinks, confusion flashing across her features as it takes her a hot second to process what her mentor has said. wordlessly, the younger molly inches closer before settling down. her eyes widen slightly, alarm bells ringing in her ears. was..it that obvious? oh dear. that's not what she wanted at all – mistlewhisker has much more important things to worry about. even if someone rational part pokes through the brain fog and says that mistlewhisker has a right to know. and maybe some part of her wants her mentor to know, just for the possibility she'll be reassured.

squirrelpaw shakes her head. "n-no..I...er.." she stammers out, drawing in a deep breath as her gaze drops to her paws. her mouth runs dry and her heart races, paws giving a small shuffle - a display of her frazzled nerves. "j-just..the battle..was m-much..more..m-more–" she paused, searching for the right word. scary will make her sound like a kit (which she feels like a scared one, at the moment). stressful? no. too..dramatic. it's hard to think.

"...bloody..than I-I..thought I s-ssuppose..." she finishes, voice dropping to a mere shaky whisper. her eyes stay locked on her paws as she shakes her head, pushing away any mental images that tried to pop up. bad brain! bad! she glances at mistlewhisker briefly before looking away again, ears flattened to her skull. "I.." she trails off with a heavy sigh, lowering herself further into a loaf. urgh. this is horrible..stressful. and boy she wants to cry, so so bad, but ..no tears swell in her eyes, leaving her with a heavy hearted feeling and a lump in her throat.

[ @Mica ]

[Mica]

Mistlewhisker
ShadowClan Deputy
she/her | 41 moons
[Large black cat with a half white muzzle and a pale green eye]
Purrks: Beefed Up T3, Shadow Fiend
· · ────────────── · ·
[Squirrelpaw - @furrensic ]
· · ────────────── · ·
Mistlewhisker tilted her head as Squirrelpaw stuttered through her words, taking in the confession with nothing more than a flick of her ear. More bloody? Yes, she supposed battles were often more chaotic and messy than expectations laid them out to be.

Squirrelpaw’s tears shone silver where they collected in her eyes. Mistlewhisker’s long tail slowly swept around Squirrelpaw’s bunched up haunches, a stable presence. “I will tell you a story.” She meowed, adjusting her front paws so she was more comfortable, the action sparking pain in her shoulder.

“My first battle took place when I was a little older than you.” Mistlewhisker had a relatively wild apprentice-hood, what with the RiverClan raid and moving camps—why did those things seem to happen at the same time?—but Mistlewhisker hadn’t partaken in any battles until she was a warrior. Thornwing had been very meticulous about her training, and didn’t want to jeopardize her learning by getting her maimed or killed. How amusing that her first battle resulted in a life-long disability. Well, it was hardly a disability.

Mistlewhisker continued. “A badger had taken up residence in the territory. I had become a warrior not one moon before, and was eager to prove myself.” Back then, Mistlewhisker had been bright-eyed and enthusiastic about the world and her part in the clan. Far from cheery, even then, but she had been more emotive. “I imagined a glorious battle where I could show that I belonged as a warrior.” Show Dawnstar that she was worthy. “Nothing could have prepared me for how harrowing battle could actually be.” The terrible sounds, smells, sights she had experienced. Claws larger than her face tearing into her eye, blood and tears streaming down her face and choking her.

Mistlewhisker blinked, ear flicking to ward away the memories. “It was anything but. It is normal to be shocked by your first battle.” She slid her gaze to her apprentice. “From what I heard, however, you did well.”

A cant of the head as she studied the eyes of her apprentice. She recognized the haunted look. “You killed someone.” It was more of a question than anything. While the question could often be misconstrued as accusatory, when it came from Mistlewhisker’s mouth it was nothing more than an observation. No judgement in her tone or eyes. Mistlewhisker had killed before. She didn’t even remember their names. She didn’t think she ever cared to learn them.

[furrensic]

CW: dissociation, emotional distress

SQUIRRELPAW
she/her. 12 moons. small, scarred russet molly with brown markings and yellow eyes.
[ chill of death ]

squirrelpaw's eyes return to the deputy's form, brows pinched upwards. the sensation of mistlewhisker's tail provided a much needed sense of comfort. her heart continues to drum in her chest, a building pressure in her head signifying an incoming headache. her ears perk forward, listening to the molly intently. or as intently as her brain will allow.

her jaw drops just a tad, face twisted into a dejected expression. that's horrible, she thinks, mouth closing and forming a frown. "I'm...s-sorry." is all she manages to utter. she's not sure if she's relieved that, at one point in time, mistlewhisker also felt the same – or horrified. saddened. she doesn't even want to imagine how mistlewhisker felt back then.

normally, such praise would earn the shadowclanner a smile. the guard's frown deepens, brows knitting together as her muscles tense, leaving her rigid. she's left slack-jawed at the words that leave her mentor's mouth, alarm clear on her features. "I..I..d-didnt – mm-mistlewhisker..it was an - an accident.." she urgently chokes, like she has to prove her case. though she recognizes the lack of judgement in the molly's tone and gaze. she feels small compared to everything around her all of a sudden. like an ant.

"I d-didnt..even want - want to..to go to t-the battle. why - why did...dawnstar c-choose..me? I.." she remembers the taste of the riverclanner's blood on her tongue. "and - and," deep breathes. "t-the riverclanner..at-attacked me first..I-I didn't want to - to hurt h-him..but he- he was..going t-to kill me. I..was sss..s-so.." she sputters, small hiccups leaving from her as tears roll down her cheeks. there's a dull ache within her wounds. "s-scared." she croaks. none of its fair – riverclan being driven out of their own home isn't fair, there were kits and elders, apprentices, all who did nothing. the actions of their leaders and certain clanmates bringing them all to their downfall.

though she believes that's the cycle. a repeating cycle of bloodshed brought on by the actions of others – fueled by revenge. all watched by starclan from above. how could they simply watch such cruelty? wasn't starclan supposed to be good? they didn't seem good at all, nor helpful. something that terrifies squirrelpaw when she realizes.

[ @Mica AUGH they are so dear to me,, ]