breathe, keep breathing. [p]

[redshiftreign]

 

murder be thy name! out, out!

purrks: agatha kitty, mind reader, go with the flow

[ @Dust ]

[discussions of murder, death, guilt, and other emotional struggles.]

rushwater was not a pious man. his belief in starclan came and went like the ebbing tides, always fleeting and fickle. what never left was his sense of justice and his unceasing guilt. it hunted him like a wolf, hungry and snarling at his heels. snapping and biting. every now and again, the wolf of guilt would catch him up in its maw and clamp its teeth down on his throat. it killed him. every morning, even moon. guilt killed him, but he had to keep living. it was selfish to consider giving in- being consumed. it was selfish, because his clan needed him and every able-bodied worker it had. because it was selfish, rushwater refused to let his small deaths define him.

maybe that was why he was always moving. always working; doing something. he had little choice in the matter. any moment of rest would let it catch up, and it would leave him broken and shaking and unable to breathe, and then he'd waste a whole morning trying to recover.

so rushwater kept moving.

it was no secret that cherryswirl had been trying to speak with him. he was no fool, and he knew what it was about. the very thing that was eating him up from the inside. ravenous. hungry. merciless.

an apprentice was lied in the dirt just a few mornings ago. that didn't bother him. he'd seen countless cats die; he was the only living of a dead litter. death followed him like a shadow, and he grew used to it. no, it was not minkpaw's death that unnerved him.

it was the killer still afoot.

rushwater hadn't spent a lot of time in camp since minkpaw's death, mostly because he had elected to doing so private investigating. there were few leads, but he wanted to explore each of them. pin a suspect. catch the culprit. he supposed justice was the wrong word for it- rushwater didn't truly care about justice, but it was close enough and an easier descriptor for his fervor. it was more so obligation. it was a must. a need. his few moments spent in camp were restrained to the crowded warriors den for the few winks of sleep he could afford. today was different, however. he was on a mission. one that was fulfilled in camp.

his pawsteps were strong, confident, and assured. his body language did not betray the storm in his chest, nor the thundering heartbeat in his eardrums. not now, he prayed, not now. the feeling was all-too-familiar. rushwater was not afraid. the feeling could not be called that, because it wasn't fear.

it was panic. it boiled up like an overflowing pot and scalded him. it cut into him and made his heart skip and head spin. each breath felt particularly harder than the last.

breathe, keep breathing.

everything was fine, though it didn't feel it. rushwater refused to let his body betray his emotions, the only indication his mind was tearing itself asunder was the oddly timed breaths and the abnormally quick tail lashing, no his usual habit of languid and slow swaying.

he paused at the warrior's den entrance, scolding himself for how worked up the mere thought of getting this chat over with had gotten him. it needed to be done. the words needed to be said. he could not let emotions get in the way of his responsibilities.

rushwater steeled himself outwardly and poked his head in, "cherryswirl?" he called, low but not quiet.

[Dust]

Sleep had not been kind to Cherryswirl these days. Wracked with frightful nightmares, feelings of longing... of sadness. It was something she had been actively trying to keep contained during her wakeful state... but it seemed her subconscious was still keen on working through it - much to her dismay.

------------

A wide river. Peaceful, blue as the the sky above and teeming with gigantic fish, hopping in and out of the waters edge. Cherryswirl sits on the stream-side, a purr rumbling in her throat as she watches her loved ones play in the river. Cinnamonswirl rides a giant fish... Dunepaw and Fishpaw splashing in the water, laughter echoing from the pair... Aspentail sits along with Risingpaw, whispering and gossiping in sibling fashion, while Sleekfur basks in the warm sunlight along the shore. Across the water, a smiling Snowecho leaps from the shore with a yowl of glee. All is.. calm. All is well. Cherry wants to go swim to meet Snowecho, but in a moment of realized panic, the feline can't move. Aspentail, Risingpaw, and Sleekfur crumble into piles of pebbles, Dunepaw and Fishpaw melt into the current, and Cinny morphs into a fish, taking off with the school up river. She turns a final gaze out to the water where Snowecho had leapt. The sky turns gray. Clouds rolling in, thunder and rain reminiscent of the flood beating against her pelt. In the water... a thrashing Minkpaw, waves lapping over her head. Cherry wants to yell... wants to scream but nothing comes out. She can move now and as she leaps into the river, it seems that the apprentice only floats farther and father away no matter how viciously Cherryswirl swims. Farther.... A single helpless cry rang in her ears,

"Cherryswirl!" It echoed long, sounding out all around her as the water began to drag her down, filling her vision, her mouth, her ears,

"Cherryswirl!" The echoing seemed to get closer and louder, swirling around her head as she squeezed her eyes shut, the darkness beginning to close in.

------------

"Cherryswirl?"

The warrior jolted awake, her breathing heavy and thick as she took a moment to process her surroundings. The sudden comforting smell of the warriors den seemed the help soothe her, as she inhaled deeply before exhaling completely. Smacking her lips together, Cherry glanced towards the entrance of the den where she was sure she had been called. And, to her surprise, Rushwater's eyes shone from the entrance of the den. It must have been him. Cherryswirl had spent days trying to catch his attention, feeling woefully avoided as she tried to find out more about Minkpaw's death. Swallowing hard, the warrior slowly rose to her paws, a few creaks and cracks popping in her legs and back, as she carefully picked her way through other sleeping clanmates until she was able to push her way out of the den and beside Rushwater. Giving the other an exhausted smile, she dipped her head in greeting. Her gaze was expectant, though it gave away a deep sadness,

"Rushwater..." She meowed quietly and gently, "How can I help you?"

[ @redshiftreign - Rushwater ]

[redshiftreign]

 

murder be thy name! out, out!

purrks: agatha kitty, mind reader, go with the flow

[ @Dust ]

with a flick of his ear, the tall blue-grey tabby gestured for cherryswirl to follow. he turned and made his way into the clearing, gaze drifting to the overcast sky. there were no stars to smile upon riverclan tonight. he doubted they smiled upon them any other night. he doubted a lot of things, namely the sanctity of the stars.

if there was a time to slow down and keep himself from running, now was it. he found a nice space in the clearing away from prying ears and sat, waiting paitently for cherryswirl to join him.

"i. . ." the words made his throat dry, but he pushed onwards. "i hope you can forgive me for avoiding you. it's been a lot. all of it's been a. . . a lot, recently, and i can only imagine how difficult it must be for you."

guilt. do not mistake it for a gentle emotion. it was violent, it was harsh. it sunk its claws into rushwater's throat and tore him to shreds. it tore in his stomach and ate him from the inside out.

he should have done better.

rushwater swallowed hard before continuing, trying desperately to keep his calm and levelheaded persona. if he came across as heartless. . . so be it. as long as he knew who he was, anyone else's view of him didn't matter.

"i've been thinking a lot, since i found her dead, i mean. it. . . well, cherryswirl to tell you the truth, i think it was murder. riverclan cats don't just drown. i-" there's a pause, and he sighs shaking his head, "i've been busy. trying to put the pieces together. trying to find who to blame, because right now, it feels like a lot of the blame is sitting on my shoulders. i wasn't there fast enough, i couldn't save her."

"someone has to be held accountable, and if i can't catch the sniveling rat that would take an innocent youth's life, then by starclan i think fault is my own." there it was, bitterness in his tone. bitterness and guilt and spite- rage, even, if you looked hard enough. rushwater would play this game, give and take and give and take until he had someone to hold before the clan and say this cat killed minkpaw. he would push on until he had a culprit, and someone to punish. why? because he had to. he had to. it was what he was good at, what he was built for. everything he had worked for, built for himself- it could all come down in an instant. one mistake- one failure-

oh, and because minkpaw deserved justice. that too, he supposed, but that was quiet in his mind compared to the roar of inferiority and imposter syndrome.

[Dust]

The warrior had joined him. Taking a seat beside the other, it was clear she was very interested in what he had to say. Enough so that she was even leaning forward in almost expectant curiosity. And well... once Rushwater started explaining, she was as quiet as snow. It was a lot to take in. All at once, Cherryswirl was flooded with emotion- good, bad, overwhelming as he continued on. Initially, she could hardly believe in hearing that Minkpaw had potentially been murdered - Rushwater was far from a liar nor one to just make things up as far as she knew. So, despite an aching uncertainty, Cherry saw no way forward other than to trust his words. As the other continued speaking, she could longer hold the dam of tears that welled behind her eyes. They slipped down her cheeks, wetting the ginger fur and collecting by her chin before falling to the earth with a silent thud.

"Rushwater," She whispered softly, teary golden eyes
glancing up to catch his gaze. Though her body shook with silent sobs, she forced a soft, almost reassuring smile, "Its... no-not your fault." It... it wasn't her fault either. That was something Cherryswirl had been struggling with, "It's.. noones fault but the one who m...murdered her." She paused for a moment, trying to read his expression. He looked to be a swirl of all sorts of emotions, notably anger or something reminiscent of it.

"I felt like I had been responsible. Would she have fared better if I had been able to take her out for more swimming lessons... even now knowing what you told me... would she have been able to fight them off if I had taught her how to fight? She was hardly-" Cherryswirl choked up, more tears soaking her fur as she sucked in a deep breath to finish her sentence. "She was hardly an apprentice..." Her voice was barely a shaky whisper. The thought was brutal. Minkpaw had only just graduated from being in the nursery. Hardly any training... hardly enough time to train. Whoever did this had no heart. No conscious. No reprimand. Raising her head up towards the sky, in an attempt to hold back any more tears, Cherryswirl took a deep long breath,

"They need to be held accountable... If there's any way I can help you Rush.. please let me know." She stopped abruptly, lowering her head to attempt to meet his gaze, once again giving that sad, soft smile, "Thank you for telling me... I know it's hardly over, but I trust you can figure it out.."

[ @redshiftreign | This is so so late!! I'm so sorry!! ]