[Bean]

CW:
This post contains mentions of trauma, limb loss, blood, slight gore, repeating words, death, neglect, Thoughts of/attempted suicide, anxiety and panic attack
Please only read this post if you are comfortable. I will mark red as a trigger warning when things start to get bad. Please do not read if you are uncomfortable, and there will be a summary at the bottom to summarize the post

 

Rainpaw
He/They - 15 Moons

Nononononononononononononononononononononononono. Why did Fadingsun have to ask him that question?? The flood was the last thing he wanted to talk about! But fading wouldn't train him if he didn't talk about it. What would Rainpaw do? He doubt that his mentor would even do anything unless he talked. Furbs was the only one he trusted, and even she doesn't know about how Rainpaw really felt. Most cats assume nothing and that he's weird, but they don't take into account what happened all those moons ago. Figures. Nobody really cared much - except for the one-eyed apprentice. They had no idea how everyone could just brush off that they lost a leader, a camp, and even some friends that day. It annoyed him! Nobody could understand them! He wouldn't talk. He turned to face his mentor to say that, but as if he was a Mind Reader, he could only see genuine concern. Nobody had ever been that startled that he was afraid of water, much less cared. He'll admit, not even furbs forced him to talk about [which he was thankful for]. But his mentor, his leader of all cats, worried for him? That honestly shocked the tabby. He was worried. For him. But why? Rainpaw had been nothing but rude to Fadingsun ever since he took furbs place as RiverClan leader. It confused him, but at that moment, Rainpaw realized something. He had someone else. Someome else like furbs. Someone else he could lean onto, and trust.

Trust. that wasn't a word Rainpaw applied to many cats. They just either didn't care or haven't done anything. But only one other cat would he apply that word to. The cat who saved his life multiple times, who had been his first mentor, helping him, and thought of him as a son. Birdsnow. To know that Fadingsun could possibly be like her made the older apprentice feel safer. Not by much, but just a bit. And that bit was all Rainpaw needed to make him talk. "C-Can we leave camp first? I-I don't want anyone overhearing." The tabby turned to walk out of camp, hoping that his mentor was close behind. When he made it out, he would wait for Fadingsun to show to start speaking. If his mentor did show up, well, It was time. The first time talking to anyone about his past.

[Trigger Warning Starts Here]

Rainpaw took a deep breath, not caring about how much he was shaking. "When I was six moons - Around the end of Beanstar's rule - a flood struck the camp. I could swim surprisingly well for a kit. But..." Rainpaw took a moment to steady their voice. Bloody images flashed through their mind. "Plumscorch, my grandma, came to save me and Lionpaw. But as I was about to get on, The current. It swept me away. All should have been well due to my swimming, but... I... branches. Sharp. It hurt. It hurt, Fades. I-I couldn't see anything but blood in that eye. That does something to a kit, you know?" Rainpaw was tearing up in his eye now. They lifted up a paw to wipe away the tears before continuing. "Stonepaw wasn't around much. Gave me some stuff to put on my eye n thats it. Nobody noticed nor cared. They just knew me as Rainkit, the kit with one eye and couldn't say a word. Not even my friends cared or tried to help me. They just handed me off to get healed and assumed that Stonepaw would make me all better. It didn't. I disappeared from RiverClan for about two moons. My scar got infected. It hurt like hell. And I got left behind. Nobody noticed, or even cared to look for me. I was.... I was a nobody. I always have been, why would this be any different? I just... I didn't know what to do. And before I left, Beanstar, My Idol, was killed by Bumblestar. That... It broke me. It broke me so much. And keep in mind I was Six Starsdamned moons! And StarClan appeared to curse me! For no damn reason!" It hurt to talk, but the tabby apprentice couldn't stop. All those moons of neglect were now being talked about. Somehow, deep inside, It made Rainpaw feel better.

"Fast forward, Gingerstar died, what a surprise. And Larkwing had just chosen Birdsnow as her deputy. I was 8 moons when I was finally apprenticed. To her. I thought that it was because I was useless, and needed someone to watch over me. It hurt at the thought. Just more proof I was useless. But... you know furbs as someone who I would die for. Well... She saved my life. Water. Again. I wanted to explore when I ended up at a beach. The waves, they were strong. I got swept away. I... I didn't want to die. I wanted to prove I could be useful, that I deserved to be a warrior. I had already feared water, but when I got swept away, I really thought I was going to die. I would have been if furbs wasn't strolling by. She jumped in to save me. She risked her life, the deputy of a crumbling clan, to save me, an apprentice with one eye who was useless and nobody took notice to. It made me feel like I was important. For the first time in my life I felt like RiverClan needed me." The apprentice chuckled softly. Furbs had saved his life more than once, and he was thankful. She was the only one who treated him normally, even saying she thought of him as a son.

[WARNING: THE FOLLOWING HAS MAJOR CW AND TW BELOW. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK]

"When you were on the floodstone, I feared the worst. Every leader since I was born had only lasted a few months before dying or disappearing. I didn't want her to be dead. Turns out she was just about. It scared me. The only cat I knew was almost dead. I... When I thought she was dead I...." his voice was shaking. "I honestly considered... killing myself. I just.. Furbs was so important to me, and I couldn't imagine a life without her. I don't know what I would do if she was really gone, she's like a part of me now. I can't just stay here grieving the rest of my life. It's stupid but i just..." They shook their head. Tears were streaming down their ragged fur, and their body was trembling. It hurt to even imagine a life without furbs. She had done so much for him, and he owed everything to her.

[END OF ALL TW AND CWS STATED IN RED]

"No offense, but you compared to what she has done, you haven't done that much to earn my respect. She saved my life. There is no comparison." It was over with. He was done. All of his past, keeping it bottled up for his entire life, had finally been let out. When the apprentice had finished, he was streaming tears from his eye and was shaking rapidly. "Not even furbs knows all of this. Please, don't tell anyone. I'm not ready," he whispered after a couple of moments. Fadingsun's reaction would determine if Rainpaw could truly trust him, or if he was just someone who wanted to take advantage of the disabled apprentice. They hoped it was the first option. The one-eyed tabby crawled over to his mentor. They let out a low purr, and attempted to rest their head on the leader's shoulder. "Thank you," Rainpaw whispered. He had let it all out. For the first time, someone would know exactly what he was going through. Somehow, It made the apprentice feel better. But that doesn't mean that he was going to waltz into camp and tell everyone that. No, for now it would just be Fadingsun.

[Summary: He is afraid of water due to the flood and loosing his eye, and almost claiming his life at Lionsbeach if birdsnow wasn't there. Rainpaw has now talked about his past for the first time and now trusts fadingsun almost as much as Birdsnow]
[Word count: 1,291 Words. First ever 1000+ Rainpaw post/1000+ post]
[ // @occultation ]