[poppy]

cw for sickness, self deprecating + heavy thoughts

She already knew this was a bad idea. A coward would have fled back to the depths of the den, and Bird was okay with being a coward. But then Dusklion showed up and the former put-together, regal leader felt her chest clench. ”’m sorry.” She croaked out, pale face growing flushed with shame as she lowered her head to hide it. God she was pathetic. Useless. A failure. A disappointment. She had wanted to make her fathers proud, she had wanted to make everyone proud. She had wanted to take care of everyone. But Bird forgot to take care of herself. And now she couldn’t do any of those things.

Riverwhisper was the first to make his way over to her, and the way he was quick to touch and groom and rock her would have made the ragdoll immensely uncomfortable and childish if she wasn’t almost too sick and to form words to snap at him. Plus, he was being kind. Tugging herself away from any rocking- for the sole purpose of not wanting to seem like a baby, she turned her head from the fish, nausea rearing its ugly head as she struggled to keep her gag reflex from activating, her upset stomach turning. ”Thanks…. Will…. Will try later.” She mumbled, forcing a smile (more of a grimace).

When he mentioned the Clan needing her, she shrugged her bony shoulders, unwilling to spoil Fading’s announcement. Not anymore. She thought miserably, eyes panning to the deputy atop the Floodstone. The Wavestone. Dusk had suggested that. Bird had wanted to name it. She had wanted to do so many things. But it was fine.

Her name being called interrupted her thoughts, and she turned her head to catch Adderpaw approaching. More grooming. Bird was briefly offended- she had tried to groom herself this morning. But that wasn’t enough, she looked like a rat. But it was fine.

She longed for Kes, and hollow oceanic eyes searched the crowd for her mate, but she couldn’t find her. Maybe that was good,. Bird wasn’t pretty anymore. She wasn’t happy anymore. She was barely even nice anymore, it felt like. She wasn’t strong or tough. She knew Kes loved her and she loved Kes but the screams of the doubtful demons clawing at the borders of her mind cursed her and howled that her mate would leave her. And that she would be right to. The nausea got worse and Bird couldn’t even formulate a response to Adderpaw, her chest tightening.

The guilt, the nausea, the burning, ugly hatred towards herself grew into something akin to being ripped to pieces as Rainpaw approached her, speaking (although all she heard was mumbling through the haze, like he was coming from underground.. Or maybe she was the one underground) and then fleeing and coming back, smelling of vomit (Bird swallowed bile, and hoped her fur and the shadows cast by an overhanging cloud hide the ghostly pale-green she turned at the scent) and wobbled. A shaky blue tabby paw reached to try and catch her apprentice as he passed out, whether it was successful or not she felt her shoulders slump with guilt. She was hurting him. She was hurting everyone. If she died she’d be breaking a promise but if she lived she’d just be making everything worse. And she couldn’t even take a step back and try to avoid them (she had discovered that hatred was much better than making cats upset at the mere sight of her) because then she’d be abandoning them- Like mom did. I know why she left now.

But she knew the best thing to do. ”’m sorry Rain.” She rasped out, taking a step back as Mistyshard and other cats came rushing to his side. Fading away like the ghostly shell she felt like. Stepping back so they could help him. She felt like the mother of RiverClan sometimes, but then on days like these, she felt like the killer of RiverClan. Perhaps she should have stayed in the early grave she was sent to. Maybe early wasn’t right. The grave she was supposed to stay in. The flowers that were supposed to be blooming over her childhood body in that remote clearing so far away now wilted in cruel, unkind soil.

She’d let them help him. Perhaps he’d grow closer to one of them. They’d be a much better mother and mentor than she had. There was still time for him to find a mother who could be there for him without needing someone to be there for her. She had never learned how to be a mother that stayed, or a mentor that taught. She’d hurt without him, but he’d hurt less without her. And that was all that mattered to her.

Bird nodded to Cobwebpaw, feeling very much like a disobedient kit who had forgotten to groom her fur or go to be on time. How was it that she, the cat who was supposed to hold everything together, forgot to hold herself together?

Not important for much longer. She felt herself thinking as Cobwebpaw spoke, dipping her head as she leaned on the den entrance frame as a support, very much wishing it was Kes. She felt a smaller cat come and lean next to her, looking down to see Eaglepaw. She welcomed the smaller cat, the gentle support and the comforting silence, feeling something in her chest ease slightly, like she was carrying a mountain but a pebble slipped off her shoulders.

Then Fadingsun spoke, and words melted together but she got the gist. Dipping her head, she nodded to gratefully and respectfully acknowledge him. Until more cats began to speak, and she felt herself stiffen.

Dusk was just going along with the crowd. Now that Bird wasn’t leader anymore, now that Bird didn’t have the power to give Dusk what she wanted, the other cat tossed her aside. Hurt flared in the ragdoll’s eyes, but she quickly realized she was too tired- and pissed- to care. Dusk hadn’t said a thing. Hadn’t voiced any concerns. And now that Bird wasn’t someone important or powerful anymore, it seemed like her friend’s true feelings showed. Just like they did to him. Wormbite and Beansprout’s betrayal wasn’t forgotten, and Bird had had a feeling that if she ever stepped down, she’d lose some friends. They’d turn on her.

She just had never expected it to be Dusk. And that hurt. Birdsnow felt like a fool, she had trusted and promoted that cat. She had been vulnerable in front of her. And if she had made Dusk deputy, would Bird be dragged out to the outskirts right now? God, she felt so stupid. Lightheaded and breathless, the leader took a moment to gather enough strength to speak, feeling her head clear briefly. She raised her voice just loud enough for Dusklion to hear her, her voice only holding confusion with a thin underline of newly bloomed distrust. ”Dusklion, if you truly… thought so….. poorly of me… you had plenty of time to speak before all this. You…. you had every opportunity to be proactive…. with any problems or concerns… you had with me…. But instead you seemed to… to be fine, didn’t say a thing, until… until just now. Until someone… calls for my exile and…. and I have no way to defend myself.” The insinuation was clear, and the sickly molly did her best to hide it. Hide the betrayal and surprise from spreading across her hollow face. She had to be wrong. Surely not Dusklion was now agreeing with the cat demanding her exile. Now way in hell.

Perhaps promoting her to Head Lionheart was a terrible mistake. Just minutes ago, Dusk had kindly spoken to her and now? Now this was a different cat. Bird swiftly noticed that Dusk tended to only support the popular opinions, and had switched tunes as fast as she had seen it in seasons. And she had expected better from the cat, as a warrior. As a Head Lionheart.

As her friend.

But she wasn’t going to play the victim here. And honestly? She wasn’t even going to spare a second of thought to Redmire’s incessant chattering. If Fadingsun wanted her gone, she’d leave. It would come as a surprise, but considering how many cats had just suddenly changed tune on her, it wouldn’t be a total jaw-dropper. And Redmire wasn’t someone who she cared about, barely someone she even noticed around the Clan anyways. She hadn’t seen this cat hardly at all, and judging from how she was so quick to start drama right after the new leader said not to, it wasn’t a cat who’s respected she cared about.

But Fadingsun was running a meeting here. And she wasn’t about to become what she had tried so hard to dispose of. It didn’t matter if he noticed his sister’s inconsistency- although she hoped he took note of it. It didn’t matter. Because she did. And she felt her heart crack a bit from the shock of the turn, but she would get over it. She had gotten over worse.

Redmire snarling about Bird doing nothing wasn’t lost on the ragdoll, but she ignored it completely. She hadn’t done much recently except starve and rot in her den, trying to strengthen herself. To prevent a situation like this. To stay in the comfort of ignorance where everyone only supported her when they could earn political gain from it. But Redmire was clearly a fool if she had forgotten everything Birdsnow had done during her days as deputy, and early days as leader.

Left alone with one consistent lionheart, no deputy, no medicine cats, very little support, and dealing with what mental struggles she fought with was hard. And she couldn’t blame these cats for not understanding having all that weight on their shoulders, because how could they know? They couldn’t know how physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting it was to have everything on her. Healing cats during the battle, leaving her own wounds unchecked, taking care of apprentices, piecing together a lionheart team, fighting those awful rogues. And trying not to lose herself and kill herself over it.

Words supporting her and words calling for her exile echoed in the outskirts of her mind, and she nodded gratefully to what few encouraging cats she could find, but mostly she just sat. Sat and waited for Fadingsun to give any verdict. She wasn’t willing to disrespect his commands for an orderly meeting, after he had clearly laid down what expectations he had for the Clan.

Trying not to listen as her heart broke, or as her breath rattled in her chest, or as she leaned probably a little too heavily on the den wall for support. She had done what she felt was the best choice. She would speak up, explain, apologize, but what good would that do? Besides making Fadingsun’s job harder? Sinking down, glancing down at Eaglepaw with a small, comforted, rattling hum of a purr that died in her throat, she sighed softly.

Trying to catch the two new Lionheart’s eyes, she tried to send them a small nod and very faint, weak smile of congratulations. They deserved it. (if she lived past this sickness she would have to thank Owltalon) And then she turned her head to Marigoldleap, nodding her pounding head. ”Thank you.” She croaked out, sending a grateful, weak smile in the direction of the other molly.

Maybe death wouldn’t be so terrible, after all. Whether she was sent to the highest of StarClan or the deepest depths of hell, at least she’d be at peace.

( @taillow @dino. @Mica @Breaking Dawn @sillycreatur @Dolomedes @Marigoldwhisper @Madelaine )