Poppyfrost
April 7th, 2017, 08:35 PM
I'm... I'm just venting. I want to get this out. Please don't take this personally, none of you made me feel this way. It's just me.
It’s like my body says, “Eat. You must eat to become strong.” But my mind says no. My mind objects, firing back with a, “No. I do not want to. I do not need to. I do not have to.”
It’s like my eyes say, “Do not cry. You are strong. You must not cry.” But my mind says, “Cry. Let it out. You’ve been holding it in for so long, so let it all out. Let everyone see how you feel.”
My heart has been holding onto such pain for quite a while now. I just need to try and hold it in. But somehow, it’s just gotten harder. I’m not sure if it’s the bullying at school. Or the constant fighting with my family.
I love them all. I really do. They just do not realize it yet. They always want me to talk, but I’ve always had such rough days at school, and I just want to rest. I just want to sleep.
They think it’s my phone. It isn’t. They think it’s some of my friends. It isn’t.
It’s probably just me.
My parents won’t listen to me. They think it’s just a phase. It probably is, but.. I don’t feel like it’s a phase. They think I’m just being whiny, and putting up an act. It hurts me.
I want to cry out and say, “No! That’s not it at all! You don’t understand what I’m going through! I know you’re older than me, and I know you’ve been on this earth longer than me, but please pay attention and listen to me! I want to have fun. I want to do all of these things with you, but I just can’t… I love all of you dearly. I love all of you so much. It hurts me so much when you say things that oppose that. Things like, “That’s not true”, “She’s lying”, “You obviously don’t care about us enough. You spend all day in your room.” I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry.
So please don’t yell at me.
Please don’t scream at me.
Please just listen to me when I cry.
It means I’m hurting. It means I need love. It means I need help.
So just please listen. It would mean the world to me.
My head is beginning to hurt. Maybe it’s because I didn’t eat dinner.
I enjoy sleeping quite a lot, nowadays.
I don't want to wake up. I’m having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved.
I woke up into a nightmare.
I thought by masking the pain, and the tears, and the sadness with silence, the feelings might disappear.
But they haven't.
They’re cooped up inside of me, ready to get out. I know, because I can feel it in me. Some part of me wants to be let free. But.. The rest of me just wants to stay quiet. Stay silent.
That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.
They ask, "How are you doing?" But what they mean is, "Are you over it yet?" My lips say, "Fine, thanks", but my eyes tell a different story, my heart sings a different tune, and my soul just weeps.
The only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending that you're not.
It’s like my life is just one constant battle between wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.
Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're not as terrible as you think you are.
Thanks for listening to my little rant, if any of you stopped by to look. Thank you. I know you guys are always there for me.
It’s like my body says, “Eat. You must eat to become strong.” But my mind says no. My mind objects, firing back with a, “No. I do not want to. I do not need to. I do not have to.”
It’s like my eyes say, “Do not cry. You are strong. You must not cry.” But my mind says, “Cry. Let it out. You’ve been holding it in for so long, so let it all out. Let everyone see how you feel.”
My heart has been holding onto such pain for quite a while now. I just need to try and hold it in. But somehow, it’s just gotten harder. I’m not sure if it’s the bullying at school. Or the constant fighting with my family.
I love them all. I really do. They just do not realize it yet. They always want me to talk, but I’ve always had such rough days at school, and I just want to rest. I just want to sleep.
They think it’s my phone. It isn’t. They think it’s some of my friends. It isn’t.
It’s probably just me.
My parents won’t listen to me. They think it’s just a phase. It probably is, but.. I don’t feel like it’s a phase. They think I’m just being whiny, and putting up an act. It hurts me.
I want to cry out and say, “No! That’s not it at all! You don’t understand what I’m going through! I know you’re older than me, and I know you’ve been on this earth longer than me, but please pay attention and listen to me! I want to have fun. I want to do all of these things with you, but I just can’t… I love all of you dearly. I love all of you so much. It hurts me so much when you say things that oppose that. Things like, “That’s not true”, “She’s lying”, “You obviously don’t care about us enough. You spend all day in your room.” I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry.
So please don’t yell at me.
Please don’t scream at me.
Please just listen to me when I cry.
It means I’m hurting. It means I need love. It means I need help.
So just please listen. It would mean the world to me.
My head is beginning to hurt. Maybe it’s because I didn’t eat dinner.
I enjoy sleeping quite a lot, nowadays.
I don't want to wake up. I’m having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved.
I woke up into a nightmare.
I thought by masking the pain, and the tears, and the sadness with silence, the feelings might disappear.
But they haven't.
They’re cooped up inside of me, ready to get out. I know, because I can feel it in me. Some part of me wants to be let free. But.. The rest of me just wants to stay quiet. Stay silent.
That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.
They ask, "How are you doing?" But what they mean is, "Are you over it yet?" My lips say, "Fine, thanks", but my eyes tell a different story, my heart sings a different tune, and my soul just weeps.
The only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending that you're not.
It’s like my life is just one constant battle between wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.
Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're not as terrible as you think you are.
Thanks for listening to my little rant, if any of you stopped by to look. Thank you. I know you guys are always there for me.