i'm sorry [[ private ]]

[lio]

it had been twelve moons since he had seen adelmo. twelve moons since he had said what he had hoped would've allowed him to feel better. but even as he had gotten better, cosima only felt worse. he had changed since then, growing more mature than before. but did that even matter? he had never been able to give a formal closure to his cousin, even after being abandoned. cosima now understood why adelmo left. why he had run away. because he was a wanderer. a lone spirit unable to remain in one spot, locked down from his urge to run free. the feline knew that, and forgave adelmo for it. so even as he looked across the moonlit hillside, silver pelt gleaming under the stars, cosima could only wish that he could see his cousin again. that he could apologize for being so foolish, so greedy.

his stormy gaze swept across the land below him, fur whispering in the warm breeze. it danced around him, pulling a blanket of calm with its every move. pupils dilated to see within the darkness, he seemed to be searching for something. for someone. he was, really, holding a false hope that adelmo would suddenly appear, but after all that he said so long ago, it would be a very slim chance. his gaze observed the area, looking for the slightest bit of his cousin's dark fur, even in the night. and even as it proved to be futile to allow himself to hope for it, cosima was determined. he wanted to apologize, and he would stop at nothing to say it, those two simple words.

i'm sorry.

in the sky, a star shot through the darkness, leaving a bright streak over it. cosima's nostrils flared in a low sigh, his head dipping down to stare upon his paws. "your wishes are too high, your thoughts full of dreams that have yet to come true," he whispered to himself, a frown pulling at his lips. "the words you spoke when you last saw him will bring a sense of discomfort and hesitation to him, so why would he choose to speak to you, cosima?" tail fluttering, the tom closed his eyes. "because one can wish to set things right," he said, answering his own question.

calypso

[ameko]

It had been a while since Adelmo had forced himself to come face to face with his inner demons. How long...? As he stared out into the dark, unforgiving landscape, he couldn't help but let his mind wander back to the day it had all ended. All the words he had wanted to say at that moment had caught themselves in his throat, and so his once close friend had left him for the last time. It should've been the other way around. "I always left him," he breathed. Now he was the one who felt abandoned, ragged, hopeless. Of course, he distracted himself with material things—keeping his den tidy, making acquaintances with the cats who frequented his territory, that sort of thing.

However, kin was kin, and he couldn't help being dragged down for the umpteenth time. He had been doing so well without Cosima! What had happened? Standing on the bottom of a hillside, Adelmo's claws threatened to stretch out and bury themselves in the ground, but he managed to keep them sheathed. He would keep his cool, if only for tonight. He just needed to last until tomorrow. Just until he found enough food for tomorrow. Just until he finished cleaning up his den. Just until he forgot about Cosima entirely. Just until he could move on without a twinge of regret.

Of course, that would never happen. Adelmo could always hope, but unless he actually addressed the problems that were tormenting him so, nothing would ever come of it. So, for now, he just waited for a certain someone to make the first move... assuming that certain someone even still cared about him. He had done terrible, unspeakable things; it would make sense if Cosima didn't want to look at his sorry face again. Still...

A star danced in the night sky, leaving a gleaming trail in its wake. As his gaze followed it, he felt tears pricking the corners of his vision. Tonight was so, so beautiful... and here he was, distorting the way it actually looked with his negativity. Adelmo looked to the higher ground with hope in his eyes, wishing that he would see something, anything!

But there was nothing. A tear rolled down his face.

hiraeth

[lio]

cosima's ears swiveled until they flattened against his head, mouth opening as though he were about to speak, but no sound came out. instead he closed his jaws tight and shook his head, tail brushing the soft grass below him. as the warmer days crept by, he wished that he could redo everything. just go back in time and reverse all that had happened. but it was too late for that. with each shooting star, each time the moon rose, every moth that fluttered by, he made a wish that he could start over. it was all just a fantasy, and yet cosima dreamed it could be reality. and with every dream came the time that you are pulled from the sweet fantasy and shoved into the real world.

nothing was perfect. nothing went the way he wanted it to. nothing would ever be the same.

his anxiety had gotten better over time, and now, at the age of thirty moons, cosima could step into the outside world without his mind blurring it into that of danger. of course, he would always have some sort of fear, as nobody could just grow out of it, but he had certainly toughened up. built walls around himself in order to make sure he couldn't crumble so easily. but sometimes, everyone had to let out bottled up emotion, right?

so with a tilt of his head, the transgender tom turned to the sky, his eyes closing and posture straightening. and he screamed. a loud yowl echoed across the once-peaceful area, his voice carried into the far distance, and albeit his throat hurting, he kept screaming for as long as his lungs allowed him to. after he was finished, cosima cleared his throat and crouched down, leaping to the bottom of the hill.

his fur whipped up around him, looking like smoke in the glimmering moonlight. every step brought dust flying into the air, a trail being left behind him. his lungs felt as though they were going to burst, chest aching for air. but he kept running. the tom kept running, and running, and running, not stopping for the pain to subside. if this was a way to let out emotions, then so be it. he would run in a circle at the bottom of the hill all night if he had to.

it's not like anyone was around, anyways.

calypso

[ameko]

Adelmo's breath hitched in his throat as he made a futile attempt to stop the sudden onslaught of tears. His self control was slipping, bit by bit. His claws dug themselves into the dirt; his ears flattened; his tears just kept on coming. Each inhale was growing shakier by the second, while each exhale sounded more like a sob. Soon, he became a jumbled-up mess of emotion that he had once kept bottled up inside. Nobody could keep their emotions locked up forever. Not even the cats who are the most forgetful, the ones most stoic... not even the ones like Adelmo, who abandon others and hardly think a thing of it.

His body crumpled on the soft grass of the moor. His breath came out in shallow pants, no matter how hard he tried to breathe as deeply and as slowly as he could. His mind just—just wouldn't let him. He needed this. Adelmo had kept his emotions locked up in the darkest corner of his mind for so long, it was only fair that he be allowed to grieve. "I... I—I don't," he sobbed. "I—I deserve this, I deserve this, I deserve this." His shoulders shuddered with every trembling inhale he took.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, his mind screamed at him. "I'm so sorry, Cosima," he gasped out.

This wasn't the first time he had had an episode like this. The very first was just about 12 moons ago, a couple days after Cosima had left him forever. Adelmo had shattered like the thinnest piece of glass on a concrete floor. After being tormented by nightmares, the scrawny Bombay tom had startled himself to consciousness and just... crumbled. He couldn't take it. Couldn't take the loneliness.

He had begun starving himself after that, for if he was too tired, too weak to do anything, he wouldn't have the energy to fall apart again, right? Not exactly. After he began making acquaintances and finding some travel pals, he began to feed himself more. With each friend that he made, he could only see Cosima. No matter what he did, Adelmo couldn't forget about him and forget all of the wonderful times they had. Nobody could just push everything aside and act like it never happened. The least he could do was just acknowledge everything that took place and appreciate the good times for what they were. Mind finally slowing down, he began to rise on quivering legs—

But what was that?

With bloodshot eyes, Adelmo stared out at the hillside. Was that... a cat? He heard some sort of scream, or yowl, something. Never in his life had Adelmo been more confused (and, admittedly, frightened). The fur on his neck bristled as he took a couple steps backward. The moonlight seemed just a little more ominous than it previously had.

...and then he saw a tiny figure racing down the hill. His jaw opened to scent the air, and—and he smelled something (someone?) very, very faint, yet eerily familiar. Throwing all safety precautions behind, Adelmo made his way over to what he hoped and prayed was a cat. He began first at a walk, then a trot, a run, a sprint! The stars twinkled in the darkness that didn't seem quite so dark anymore. His fur snagged on brambles in the tall grass, but he paid it no mind. His claws kicked dirt into the air, but he couldn't care less. All he wanted was to get to them as fast as he could.

Cosima. It had to be.

But... what was he doing? What was he thinking? Adelmo stopped in his pawsteps, frozen. He was an idiot to hope that Cosima would even care about him anymore. He was an idiot to hope that this cat was even Cosima! He was still many foxlengths from them, so it wasn't likely that they would notice him. It seemed as if they were too busy dealing with their own problems, considering their outburst that had rattled Adelmo to his core.

Still. He had to know. "...Cosima?" he whispered. He repeated himself, this time louder. "Cosima?" Finally, he lost the last sliver of self control he had left.

"Cosima!"

hiraeth

[lio]

run. it’s all he could think of doing. his legs beating against the ground, wind soaring through his fur. it calmed him, no matter how foolish it sounded. the adrenaline pulsing through his veins sounded the blood in his ears, energy surging through him. he refused to stop for a little rest, not allowing his body to slow even through the exhaustion. he needed this. he needed to run and never stop. never.

dirt flung up around him, inhaled into his lungs with every wheezing breath. he didn’t mind, however, ignoring it in favor of letting his emotions flow through every step. each stomp of his paws to the ground sent a buzz through his body, almost numbingly so. cosima’s heart pounded through his chest, beating, beating, beating. it felt as though his ribs were going to be ripped away from his body, forced by the sheer strength of his heart. but he enjoyed the rush. the pain.

and so he ran.

cosima’s mind filled with the memories he had kept saved from when they were young, when adelmo had raised him up from a kit. when he was left by his family and brought up to be who he is today by the very feline that made him so emotional in the first place.

scoffing, he forced away the thoughts, a low growl rising from his throat. he was trying to rid of the feelings, not pile on more and more. but even as he did this, water sprung forth from his tear ducts, threatening to spill while he desperately attempted to blink them away. why must he be like this? why must he always feel worse as he tries to get better? why couldn’t he just stop being such a drama king and do something for a change?

why did he have to be so useless?

stop it, stop it, stop it! he mentally screeched, eyes closing momentarily to fight away his tears. finally, cosima slowed to a stop, taking a deep, shuddering breath once he did so. it wouldn’t last long, as he needed a distraction, a way to bring his mind from the agony his hopes and dreams brought.

cosima! the tom heard, his entire body flinching from surprise. he whirled around to face the direction of the voice, eyes widened from both fear and hope. cosima squinted, trying to see the black pelt of another feline through the darkness. but inside, he already knew. he would know that voice anywhere.

“a- adelmo?” his voice cracked, low and shaky with disbelief. he took a step towards the feline, first slowly, but as he grew more confident, cosima was soon barreling towards the black bombay, moving with a sudden burst of energy through the exhaustion his body felt. it was going to take a toll on him later, but he didn’t care. all he wanted to see was adelmo. his cousin, his parental figure, his family.

“adelmo,” cosima breathed, skidding to a stop beside the other, “i- i missed you…” he looked down at his paws, then back up, stormy gaze focused.

“i’m sorry.”

calypso

[ameko]

A burst of embarrassment jolted Adelmo, making his heart leap in his chest. Why had he said that? He had no idea who this cat was, and the chances of it being Cosima were unbearably low! But... but as the cat turned around, the embarrassment faded, being replaced by a new emotion: joy. Gleeful, jittery, disgusting joy. A sob escaped his throat, but he couldn't help from smiling in the most sorrowful, broken way. "Cosima," he breathed. The younger tom approached him with as much energy as Adelmo had at seeing his closest friend.

More than anything, he wanted to brush up against Cosima and never leave his side again. But deep down, he knew he couldn't do that. It had been many, many moons since they had last seen each other, and Adelmo realized... nothing would be the same. Those sleepless nights due to everything being simply hilarious, those moments where Cosima broke down and he had to comfort him, those times just enjoying each other's presence? They were as good as gone. Adelmo had ruined everything.

For moons he had ignored the fact that he was the one who originally abandoned Cosima and left him to fend for himself against the unforgiving world. Instead, he focused solely on the fact that their last meeting ended by Cosima leaving him. Now, after having had a year to mature, Adelmo knew that he was in the wrong—that he had always been in the wrong—and he accepted it.

Blinking away the tears, Adelmo mustered up the courage to look at Cosima in the eyes. His intense gaze had always been too much for him, but this was important. "I missed you too," he said quietly. Not being able to take it anymore, the Bombay glanced around, pausing as he looked up to admire the sky. It was beautiful, with no clouds covering anything up. No imperfections.

If only he could say the same for for their relationship.

A frown appeared on his face as he heard Cosima's apology. Rolling his head forward, Adelmo stared at his cousin with fire burning in his eyes. "For what?" he asked, ending his words sharply. "You shouldn't be the one apologizing," he began. He started soft, but his voice rose with each word. "It wasn't you who abandoned your best friend because of boredom; it wasn't you who scared him off when he tried to mend his relationship with you!"

The volume of his voice plummeted. "But... I'm here now. And"—he paused to sniffle—"and I know that nothing will be the same, but I want to try to fix things."

"I'm sorry."

hiraeth

[lio]

cosima's ears flattened at adelmo's words, body flinching back in the slightest. his nose twitched and he lowered his head once again. "i know. but i'm the one who ran off. who forgot all about you for my own self-gain. what we both did was wrong, and even though we can never turn back the time and redo everything, we can always mend what is broken." the tom stepped closer, his eyes shining with determination. he then pressed his nose to adelmo's cheek, a soft smile playing at his lips. "we can do this. but promise me one thing," cosima stepped away, his tail sweeping against the ground, body poised in a way that it looked as though he were about to pounce, "never leave me again."

the moonlight glinted down upon the two cousins, its embrace folding over them like a large blanket. the stars dancing around the night sky shed their own form of comfort, reaching down to brush against the maine coon and bombay felines. cosima's form finally relaxed and he sat down, head tilting towards the sky, not seeing a single cloud in sight. his fur blew in a soft wind that pulled along the land, whispering in their ears and singing a sweet song of nothingness. this was what he had wished for. the peace and quiet of being able to apologize for all that had happened, and hearing those words in return. he couldn't dream of anything more.

cosima slid closer to adelmo, brushing their fur together and sharing his warmth. for right now, all he needed was to feel that it was all real, that his cousin was really there, really speaking to him. especially after so much time had passed. as he had said, nothing would be able to send them back to fix everything that they had done, but all they could do now was start all over and make amends. and they would have to start with this. simple silence breathing across the land, the light twisting between their pelts and hearts beating as one.

if anyone had told cosima that twelve moons after he left adelmo there, sitting in his territory, a crumbling lump of angst, he would've snorted and walked away. but now that he was here, he could only wish that it would have happened so much sooner. but given their time to mature, to grow from the young, reckless cats that they were before, this was perfect in its own way.

and for once in fourteen moons, he was happy. truly, positively happy. that's all he could've ever asked for.



calypso

[ameko]

Adelmo let out a deep, drawn-out breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding. His once tense muscles let themselves grow lax at the words of Cosima. There was nothing to fear, or to be worried about; they would fix things in their own time, no matter how long it took. After everything they'd been through, it was only fair to grant them this momentary solace, this comfort in knowing that things would finally be okay. A faint smile flickered on his face at his cousin's words--and his touch. "Are you kidding me?" he breathed. "Of course I won't leave you again." Adelmo's tail hovered above his body, waving like a cattail in the breeze. "I'll never make another mistake like that," he said, remorse shining in his eyes for every memory that replayed in his mind. He'd never be able to forget about them, no. But the least he could do was accept them and move on.

After Cosima took the lead, sitting down onto the grassy landscape, Adelmo followed suit, relief flooding his senses as he let his shaking, exhausted body rest. Joy was no longer so disgusting as he had once thought; beauty no longer so horrid. Happiness didn't make him feel quite as guilty anymore. He stared up at the night sky, taking in the sights that he had forbid himself for fourteen moons--or longer. The specks of stars were littered across Silverpelt, illuminating the dazzling scenery not just in the sky, but everywhere. Adelmo looked back down at the hillside, gazing at everything that life had to offer him.

For once in many moons, there was peace. There was utter contentment radiating from every crevice of his body.

Adelmo nearly jumped at Cosima's fur brushing up against his, but he quickly got over the initial surprise, leaning against his cousin in return. Though he was perfectly fine with the silence, he chose to break it with a single sentence. "The sky is... really beautiful, don't you think?" he murmured, taking a moment to breathe in Cosima's familiar scent. The familiarity caused him to think of his past for a split second, of his original home, but he brushed it away without a second thought. Home was wherever you made it. After a moment's thought, Adelmo came to a decision: Cosima was his.

And, well - there was no place like home.

hiraeth
[ i meant "cosima was his" as in cosima was his home but i didnt wanna be redundant w saying "home" every 2 seconds but like the only synonyms are domicile and household and residence and i dont wanna be saying that cosima was his domicile bc hmmmm thats weird ]

[lio]

cosima smiled as he heard the other's question. "yeah, it is." he let out a soft, relief-filled smile as his gaze traced shapes among the stars, tail curled tightly to his side. "the moon, the stars, everything. it's all amazing."

yeah, maybe they had had difficulties through their relationship. but nothing coukd be completely perfect. to gains means that you have to sacrifice, and that is exactly what they did. all that mattered was that they were there, together, as one. cousins, brothers, family.

cosima grew up with adelmo, who raised him once he was abandoned. the tom learned to trust adelmo, and now it was time to rebuild that after so long of it being broken. of them both being broken. they were now wjere they belonged, where they had always belonged; with each other. living together, going through each day together, everything. that was all they needed. each other. adelmo was his home, and vice versa. even with all the time it would take to strengthen them to what they were before, they would manage to do it. nothing is impossible.

and really, there was no place like home.

calypso

[[ wow that's heckin' repetitive but i thought it'd be a great way to end it off here !! ]]