One Last Time [Writing Piece]

[Captain]

[ Small Explanation: This is just a SFW version of a writing piece that I recently finished and it basically explains the love/bond between me and one of my characters, Tony - I hope you enjoy. ]

I never really thought I would ever come to hate the two words ‘thank you’ so much in my life.

As I grew up, I would often read inspiring stories of how people would go great lengths to prove their love for someone, to show them how much they cared in order to win them over in the end and have them as theirs. Those kinds of things are what inspired me to do great things for those who I have come to admire, to those who I have come to seek for motivation and inspiration to do better in my own personal life. Of course, my options were always limited when it came to acts of passion and emotion, but I worked with what I had - which was writing and drawing. Even I would admit that I am not the best at both and there were many out there that were more skilled at such things than me, but part of my soul always hoped that they wouldn’t see me for my experience, but for my effort that I put into my work and the time that I took out of my life to do such things for them. However, this was never the case, but in reality, I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised given the fact with all my past luck when it came to acts of love and true romance - but hey, can you blame a boy for trying? I always saw myself as a good person who put pure emotion and hard work into what I loved, but unfortunately, many other people saw me differently than what I wished and I guess that brought another side of me out into the world. Am I proud of some of things I have done in my past? No. Do I like being reminded of those times even though I strive to move on and learn from them? No. I’m getting off-topic though and I apologize for that. The point in my speech to you now is that this was finally the night where I would try to fix things in my life. I had tried so many times, given myself so many second chances at happiness and I always ended up in more pain than what I started with previously. That would change tonight. I would try to do things right one more time to see if it would work. One last time.

***

A rough cough came from the depths of my lungs as I sat at my normal wooden desk down in the basement of my house, which was where my bedroom was located, while I did some typing away on the keyboard in front of my dimly-lit computer. It was late, but I was not sure how late, to be exact. All I knew is that it was dark outside from seeing out from the window to the right of my head from where I currently sat. Time didn’t really matter to me, however, especially when there was no school to be worried about and it was the weekend, so I was clear for any rushing stress or worry, but still deep down, I could feel my heart beating so quickly within my chest that I wondered if I would pass out if I wasn’t careful enough. I had recently gotten over an awful head-cold that had been torture for my sinuses, but with this cough going through me, I could tell that some of the stupid sickness still lingered within me. However, I refused to let such a thing keep me from my tasks. To be completely honest, I was actually rather tired and part of me was telling my brain to go to sleep and do it tomorrow. I never stopped though, never stopped typing away on my keyboard as I got rid of every single goddamn thing that had kept me from my goals all this time, kept me from seeking true happiness. I unfollowed people, deleted drawings, blocked toxic jerks that had tormented me long enough for many months prior. I was done letting these people get the best of me and let them break me. I was finished with being their goddamn chew toy and I would finally seek my own path, my own success, my own happiness and I knew - I knew exactly where to find such a thing and I had avoided it for so long. I asked myself that over and over to why I had kept myself from something so simple and so wonderful that was right before me. Instead of questioning anything more, I knew that it was logical for me to go out there and seek my happiness. One last time, dangit. One last fricking time before I gave up forever. That’s all I needed. One more last time.
“Let’s do this.” I muttered to myself as I turned off my computer and practically leapt out of my desk-chair, racing across my room and almost tripping over several boxes in the process, but I eventually made it to my familiar white-painted door with a tiny, rather pathetic-looking dreamcatcher hung on it, but I had it for years and never had the heart to throw it out. With a nervous gulp, I hesitantly reached out for the knob on the door and turned it, opening it with a slight creak coming through the action as I was now greeted with the familiar greenery and the lush forest that I knew as Feral Plains. It was the place that I knew as my escape from the world of reality, the cruel world filled with the heartless, cold human beings that I had grow to be apart of - but no, I made my own community, my own world, my own place so that I could avoid being apart of that title they call ‘The Human Race’, but to be honest, where was the good in the human world these days? Have you seen the news? All the talk of violence and all the terrible things people do, it sickened my soul and the last thing I wanted was to be apart of that terrible mess. Without any further discussion with myself about the matter, I shifted into my feral form, which was a brown-and-tan colored Persian cat (if you didn’t know already), and bounded into the grasses as the door slowly shut behind me, leaving all evidence of the reality plain behind me as I went into the magical world that I created so very long ago. The air around me was cold, but not freezing. Winter was slowly going away and all the snow among the forest was almost completely gone, which I was more than thankful for at this point because I hated winter with every fiber of my being for multiple reasons. That wasn’t important though to this story. I knew where I was going now. I knew this path by memory, through all the times I had traveled along this path. Although, things seemed slightly different from what I originally remembered - there were flowers. Yes, flowers. They decorated the right and left side of the path that I walked down as my paws brushed through the loose dirt and softened grass. My bi-colored eyes glanced around and upon further inspection, they were all a darkened blueish color from what I could see. It was a rather amazing sight to behold, but I continued on my way through the forest without any delay, tail swaying behind me contently.
In the distance, the darkened outline of the familiar mansion that I knew and loved appeared and I almost wanted to run, run straight to it in a grateful bound across the grass, but for some reason, I stayed where I was for a moment or two, standing there in the middle of the forest with my mind running wild. I could never focus on a single thought though and I didn’t know what to do for a few seconds until my body eventually moved forward for me now - like it was a natural instinct pulling me closer to my goal that I had set in my mind only mere hours ago. As I drew closer and closer to the large stone steps of the manor, something small in the grass caught my attention. It even made my pace quicken ever so slightly until I halted in front of the object in the grass below my paws. It looked like - a flower. Just a small little flower, but it was different from the blue ones that were in the forest that I saw when I walked here, so what was its purpose? I was not sure. It looked like dull purplish color, but it was hard to make out in the darkness with only the light of the moon to guide me now. Something, however, pushed me to lean down and pick up the flower, pulling it from its restraights in the grass and hold it in my jaws. To my surprise, immediately when I did so, it began to glow a brighter purple, which made me drop it once again. The small plant fluttered back down to the ground from where I picked it up as I started down at it with surprise. How come I had never seen something like this before? It was strange, but fascinating at the same time. Perhaps it would be nice for what I had planned tonight - yes, actually, it would be perfect now that I thought about it. I shifted into my human form and quietly picked up the flower gently in one hand as I lifted myself back up onto two feet. Looking around for a moment with this new perspective, I gave a small sigh and watched as the flower began to glow that purplish color once more, seeming to illuminate the color itself upon my face and clothed body. It was strangely beautiful, but I couldn’t let it distract me now I walked up the steps that would lead me up to the two large front doors of the manor where everyone would most likely be sleeping. It didn’t matter to me though because all I needed was one person right now and it would be best not to bring everyone else into such things. I just wanted to see him. I just wanted to, one last time.

As I stood in front the manor in the dark of the night, the dense forest looming behind me as I held the glowing purple flower in my hand, I couldn’t help but think over what I was deciding and how it would change my life in the future. There was nothing bad that could come from something like this, right? Knowing my luck when it came to situations like this, I felt like I had just jinxed myself by saying that, but I still didn’t turn my back on the two large doors before me now. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me tonight, but I could feel my face growing hotter than normal and it was probably a deepened shade of red by now. Why was I like this? I couldn’t believe that I was getting cold feet towards doing this. It wasn’t that hard to do. All I had to do was walk in there with confidence and confront him - Tony Demoric. I hadn’t spoken to him in awhile after being caught in the midst of all the drama with my friends and the undesirables in my personal life that I didn’t want to think about right now. “This is stupid..” I growled under my breath as my large fluffy tail flicked back and forth behind me as I finally pushed open the doors and walked inside, leaving the cold outdoors for the warm, comfortable indoors. Even then, as I walked into the main area of the manor, there was no sound whatsoever, which shouldn’t be much of a surprise to me, since it was late and all of the other creatures of the manor would have no reason to still be awake at this hour. With my free hand, I ran it through my brown-and-tan colored hair, giving a sigh of pure frustration at my emotions. “I need a drink.” I declared and strode off down one of the hallways of the mansion that would eventually lead me to the kitchen where there would hopefully be something that could quench my desired thirst. I didn’t really have the strength - mentally or physically - to do anything else except drag my feet across the carpeting as I could see the entrance to the kitchen down the hallway. I knew this manor like the back of my hand at this point, so I had no trouble getting around. Another rough cough shook from my throat, making me clutch my chest for a moment as I finally headed into the kitchen without another second of hesitation, quietly mummering under my breath about how much I hated colds and just getting sick in general. I mean, who did like getting sick? It was inconvenient and terrible for someone with a routine.
Without even stopping or checking my surroundings, I just simply headed over to the large fridge behind the marble island in the middle of the room, grabbing the handle with one hand and yanking it open, the large door swinging to the side as I was temporarily blinded by the light from the top of the fridge. Grumbling at this, I looked through the contents of the fridge once my vision had adjusted. There was bottles of water, sodas of various types and even some juice - but that didn’t even begin to cover what all was in this fridge. My bi-colored gaze eventually landed on a bottle of apple juice, so I decided on that instead of soda. It help my sore throat, even though the sugar was bad for my braces. I could care less now though and would surely deal with the consciences of my actions down the road. Lifting the bottle off the shelf of the fridge, I gave another huff of breath as I kicked the door shut with my foot and set the bottle on the counter while opening up the cupboard above me, where glasses and plates were supposed to be stored. Usually, I would water down the apple juice, or at least that was what my family did to lessen the sugar intake, but tonight was a night where I felt like I needed all the help I could get - so without hesitation, I poured pure apple juice into a tall transparent glass that rested on the counter. Surprisingly, I did not spill it, but I was glad and soon put back the bottle in the fridge, returning to the glass on the counter-top. I took a small sip of the juice, tasting the cold liquid as it slipped down my throat. It made a gentle sigh escape my parted lips before I found myself leaning against the counter, staring mindlessly at the glowing purple flower that I still had in my current grasp.

***

Later the night, I had left the kitchen with the flower and my glass of apple juice still in my hands, walking down another hallway with no real set location to go to now as I passed by paintings and pictures on the walls on both my right and left for I don’t know how long until I reached one of the larger rooms of the house - the dining room, which seemed kinda odd to be so far away from the kitchen, but maybe it just felt that way more than it actually was. I was in a pensive, almost lost state of mind in this hour and I was not sure what was real or not anymore. Moonlight from outside shone in through the windows, casting a beam of light into the dining room and onto the table, which was actually quite pretty to look at, but I did not really seem to put much thought into such things as I wandered over to the table, pulled open an empty seat and sat down, resting both the glass and the flower in front of me without saying a single word. I have no reason to speak, so why would I even do so? I stared at the dark orange-hued liquid in the glass in front of me, resting my head against one of my hands as I popped my elbow up onto the table. I didn’t really hear anything except the sounds of my own breathing and the lingering thoughts that were going through my own mindset now. There were times where I wished I could relax and enjoy my own life. I mean, I was so excited, so pumped and ready to do something with it only moments before when I was in my bedroom - but now? Now, I felt so empty and hopeless in a certain sense and it made my stomach feel all weird. I shook my head and downed another gulp of my apple juice, wishing that it could just make all the pain go away, like some people said alcohol can do. Deep down, I was smarter than that though and knew that a simple beverage could not solve my problems. My brother once drowned himself in beer and look where that got him when he was a complete mess. I had come close to taking that path in life where I would just give up and wish for the end. It sounded so much easier than trying to survive in this crazy world and getting nothing but pain in return. I wasn’t thinking straight though, no, it was just another one of those endless pensive nights, nothing new.
“Ryder?” The abrupt sound of my own name made me jump slightly as it broke the complete silence that I had been living in for who knew how long, making me turn my head to this new sound and lock eyes with the figure in the doorway of the dining room. I shouldn’t have been surprised to see Tony here, he always was one to have trouble sleeping for long periods of time if I wasn’t around, so he usually wandered the manor late at night when I wasn’t around. I suppose I forgot that fact along with many others tonight, but I didn’t know what to do about all that nonsense. We both stared at each other in silence for a long period of time, neither of us moved or said anything until I went ahead and took another sip of my juice, not letting my eyes leave him as I did so. I then turned away and rested my head against my hand once more, another sigh leaving my parted lips. I heard the gentle sounds of footsteps coming from behind me now, but I showed no clear reaction. Eventually, Tony seated himself across from me at the dining table, lacing his hands together as he looked at me with this emotion in his eyes that I could not really read. “I did not know you were here.” He murmured, his voice soft, like he knew what sort of state I was in right now, “What’s the matter?” I didn’t know how to respond right away because to be completely honest, I did not know what was the matter with me truly. Maybe I did and I just was too afraid or ashamed to admit it. Why did he have to be here? Him of all people to see me in such a broken, given-up state of mind like this. It was degrading for me. “I suppose you can say that I’m lovesick.” I mumbled, giving a little bit of a saddened chuckle, “I don’t know what to do anymore.” He seemed to be silent for a minute or so after I said that, but after that he simply gave a smile. “Ah, I’m sure things will work out between you and Blake, you just have to believe in yourself and be yourself - soon he’ll see the great person that you are and who knows, maybe things will happen? Good things.” His words did not help in the slightest, nor did the mention of that name, for that matter. It angered me actually, but not very much. “It’s not about Blake anymore, you idiot.” I couldn’t help but add a little of hiss to my tone as I looked at him with a glare, and he seemed taken back by that, “I’m done with having any sort of feelings for him. Ryan ruined that chance for me, and so did Nate, but what does it even matter anymore? It’s not like he’d even give a damn after all the hard work I’ve done to try and impress him in the end.” I gave a huff of sickened amusement, “I decided to not chase after him any longer. It’s someone else this time, Tony, and I’m.. I don’t know to handle it. It’s not right and I know I’ll just end up hurting someone again.”
My irritated outburst made the raven-haired male silent for even a longer time, which made me fear that I was frustrating him. I always frustrated everyone that I knew and talked to, one way or another, but I didn’t want that to happen. However, to my surprise, he started to speak again. “I may not know this other person, but anyone that is worthy of having your love and affection must be someone greater than life itself. Don’t be hard on yourself, Rye. All the people that have walked into your life just don’t know how lucky they are or were to have your loyalty and kindness. Love is a great thing and it’ll make you do crazy things, you know that as well as I do.” He said this with a sincere and gentle voice, hoping that I would take it to heart, but all it did was make me want to cry right then and there. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I hated crying in front of others, so I laid my arms on the table and rested my head on top of them as tears collected in the corners of my eyes. “What.. What if you are in love with someone that deserves better than me? I’ve hurt them before, so many times and I don’t think they would believe me if they knew how I felt about them.” I hated myself for being like this, it made me seem more and more like a loser - nothing but a pathetic loser. Before I could dwell on that anymore, however, I felt a hand rest on top of my head. “Rye, listen to me, okay? Stop comparing yourself to others. People don’t deserve ‘better’ than you, they deserve you - the real you. We’ve all hurt people before in our lives and we just have to move on and do better about going on in life. Learn from it. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you or make you seem that you aren’t worth-” As he was talking, something deep within me snapped and caused me to interrupt him. “I’m in love in you, alright?” I murmured, which made him immediately stop talking, so I continued, “I’m in love with you again, dammit, and I don’t love anyone else. Blake, Ryan, Quinn.. They are all gone and for good. Which has made me realize how much you much you mean to me and I can’t stop myself from thinking about you constantly. I know it is wrong. I know that I’m in no place to love you after all I’ve done. You are in this world and I’m in the human world, it doesn’t make sense and you’ve had to watch me choose someone over and over again instead of you. You don’t deserve someone as terrible as that. I messed up a long time ago when it came to our relationship and I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry. I love you, Tony, and I want to be with you again, but I’m scared. I’m so scared of so many things. I..I’m sorry.”

Through my endless emotional ranting, I didn’t realize that he had withdrawn his hand from my hair and when things went silent again between us, I felt more tears roll down my face in the process. I hated doing this to myself and hurting the people around me. Eventually, I found the nerve to bring my head up from my hands to look at him and he was just staring at me, with this unknown emotion within his scarlet-hued gaze once more. My face was already stained with obvious tears and I didn’t know what to do except the one thing that I always did when I assumed that I messed up. “I shouldn’t have said anything, I’ll go back to the reality plain and get some rest.” I said, now looking away from him as I sat up from my chair, forgetting about the glass of juice and just picking up the flower, “Goodnight, Tony, I’ll talk to you later.” And with that being said, I turned and quickly walked out of the room as fast as I could at a casual pace. I feel foolish, stupid, naive and just pathetic as a whole. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the flower glowing in my grasp - with that same purple color. I didn’t understand why I held onto this flower so deeply, why it transfixed me now of all times, but I felt like it had some sort of connection with me in a stupid way. I suppose I was too caught up in my own mindless problems to really think about it carefully - or realize that I would soon not be alone as I walked down this hallway, running away from my feelings as I always did. I had done so for years, moving from place to place to find where I belong. That was the sick curse that was upon me and my entire life. I wiped my hand over my face, grumbling to myself about all this for what seemed like minutes, but it was actually only mere seconds. Abruptly, without warning, something knocked into my back and caused me to fly forward and crash into the carpeting with a grunt. A pair of hands grabbed me and flipped me over to where I landed on my back and my hands were pinned against the floor. As I was regaining my breath, a pair of glowing scarlet-hued eyes stared down at me as Tony loomed over me with that same look in his eyes, although the hint of frustration showed deep within them now. “Say it again.” He murmured to me once.
“Say what again, you stupid hellhound?” I said to him, glaring up at the taller male, “And let go of me!” No matter how much I struggled, I couldn’t break from his grip that he had on my wrists and that seemed to make him raise an eyebrow, as if he was silently mocking me for even beginning to try to overpower a demon. “Do you know how long I have waited for you to say that you love me again?” Tony said with seriousness in his eyes as he leaned closer to me, “Tell me you love me again.” I could feel his warm breath on my face, making a shiver roll up my spine. Perhaps I had thought about this all wrongly. “You think I could care less about if we’re from different worlds? You see how cruel and heartless the humans are, even if you do act as society wants you to. You think I deserve better than you? In my world, in my life, in my eyes - what is better than you, Ryder? What is there to even compare out there in Feral Plains? I’ve been with you since the beginning and I never saw anyone else, but you. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours again, like it used to be before you let all those human boys take advantage of you. They don’t deserve you if they cannot see what a great person you are. Don’t run from me, Rye, don’t run from me like I’m one of those cruel loves of your past.” When he said this, his grip on my wrists seemed to loosen to the point where he released them entirely, resting his hands next to my chest as he stared at me now, like he was waiting - waiting for me to make a final choice. He was serious about this and my earlier outbursts of emotion seemed to actually reach him. “I love you.” I said, after a moment, “I love you so much, Tony.” Hearing those words from me seemed to put him at ease and it even caused him to smile down at me now. “You really... You really mean it?” He asked me again and I crossed my arms over my chest, poking him in the nose sharply with one finger. “Yes, you dork.” I remarked, which made him chuckle. “Well, that’s good because I love you too. I’m your dork - always.” I couldn’t really remember the last time I had been truly intimate with someone, especially Tony and it felt nice. My face was a deepened shade of red now and I didn’t really know what else to say. He solved this problem for me, however, and touched his forehead to my own, making me immediate close my eyes. He was warm. I had missed this and he had missed me so very much.

As this all happened, I failed to notice the purple-glowing flower turn a deepened shade of red as I was reunited with the love of my life.