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February 20th, 2018, 11:48 AM
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work is never done 
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Gender: male | he/him
Bump Policy: every 4 days
Posts: 14,102
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Re: Criticism on my cats?
if you don't have a bio to link them, i'd suggest providing as much detail about the characters as possible. gives people more room to work!
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February 20th, 2018, 11:56 AM
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Falling In
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Gender: A pigeon
Posts: 4,063
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Re: Criticism on my cats?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mad King
if you don't have a bio to link them, i'd suggest providing as much detail about the characters as possible. gives people more room to work!
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I am going to link them I'm editing it right now digging up all the bios I have...
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February 20th, 2018, 01:12 PM
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'No Ones Better Than You'
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Gender: Non-Binary
Posts: 2,970
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Re: Criticism on my cats
I am bored right now, also, I have role played with fleck, so I do know his actual personality, and I am basing it of my experience.
@NightWarrior4Life
Fleck;
Name; decent, not very exciting, but memorable,
Age; Fits for the character, old enough to have experience, young enough to not be frail.
Rank; fits what he is, a fighter,
Appearance; I actually quite like it, the dark patches make me think of shadows, and the colours contrast whilst going together!
Physical characteristics; He has no weakness, this is not good. As when roleplaying, it would be hard to pass convincing fight scenes. To improve decide what 'type' of fighter he would be, tank, (high endurance, medium strength and low speed / dexterity) Rougue (low endurance,high damage, and high speed / dexterity) etc, etc. Another thing I suggest is make him more scarred, like he's been through battles.
Personality; In roleplay it has some potential, his cold and stand offish nature is very interesting, however, his 'cold blooded killer' persona is quite boring, being a 'so crazy and evil XD, type of character. I suggest you explore why he has done these things, his other aspects of his personality, his relationship with his family,etc.
Other stuff; have other people roleplay his family, it will make it so you can have to contrasting people, which will give you more realistic sounding conversation.
I will back, for more....
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February 20th, 2018, 01:15 PM
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Falling In
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Gender: A pigeon
Posts: 4,063
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Re: Criticism on my cats
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~rattlesnake~
I am bored right now, also, I have role played with fleck, so I do know his actual personality, and I am basing it of my experience.
@NightWarrior4Life
Fleck;
Name; decent, not very exciting, but memorable,
Age; Fits for the character, old enough to have experience, young enough to not be frail.
Rank; fits what he is, a fighter,
Appearance; I actually quite like it, the dark patches make me think of shadows, and the colours contrast whilst going together!
Physical characteristics; He has no weakness, this is not good. As when roleplaying, it would be hard to pass convincing fight scenes. To improve decide what 'type' of fighter he would be, tank, (high endurance, medium strength and low speed / dexterity) Rougue (low endurance,high damage, and high speed / dexterity) etc, etc. Another thing I suggest is make him more scarred, like he's been through battles.
Personality; In roleplay it has some potential, his cold and stand offish nature is very interesting, however, his 'cold blooded killer' persona is quite boring, being a 'so crazy and evil XD, type of character. I suggest you explore why he has done these things, his other aspects of his personality, his relationship with his family,etc.
Other stuff; have other people roleplay his family, it will make it so you can have to contrasting people, which will give you more realistic sounding conversation.
I will back, for more....
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Thank you! This was very helpful I will try and make some changes to his bio...I appreciate what you had to say!
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Inactive <3
Missing you all
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February 20th, 2018, 02:27 PM
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:P
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Status: 彡 ╰► hiatus ; ghost of a werewolf lurking bout forums✩˚｡⋆
Gender: wolfboy ✧ they/he/it/howl/any neos
Bump Policy: ‧₊˚✩彡 oh Gods oh gods oh ogds oh godf hngrj tggggd.99p4t,sfkkk
Posts: 5,562
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Re: Criticism on my cats?
Hmm, Imma try this.
I think Cottonflower's name is pretty cool but could have more meaning to it. Since if I'm correct the prefix and suffix is only for her scent. I suggest maybe keeping the cotton prefix for her scent, how pelt kind of looks like cotton, and how fluffy it is. Her suffix can be based off her personality or something that had happen in her life. I think possibly the suffix tongue or glare could be good. Since her personality isn't really built out it is hard to choose or suggest much suffixes. ^^ Of course, keeping her name the same right now is good too. Flower can always be for something else, her size, maybe she requested it, she love flowers, etc.
Now her personality only ha 3 traits, I like to try to give my characters at least 5 traits and one paragraph for a description of her personality. While I think being submissive to her mate and family is a good idea! Since she was taught that way it has a meaning. While she can be smart with her words, since she is sassy. She can probably be someone who can maniuple others easily, then! Cottonflower could be a smart witted cat that easily falls to her knees around her mate and family. I like that idea, I just really suggest giving or more traits and a deeper personality.
Overall, I like Cottonflower and think she is a good character. You don't have to take any of my advice if you don't agree with it. I never role-played or seen her roleplays so, I'm coming from a outsider view. Basing this all on her charrie page. 
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❝ hold on tight to this time,
this place 'cause everything you know will be erased.
you were born inside your head.
and that is where you'll be when you are dead. ❞
-- currently on a hiatus until further notice --
꒰ pronouns.cc꒱
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February 20th, 2018, 05:44 PM
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Ruining dreams since 2004
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Gender: They/Them, She/Her
Posts: 1,323
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Re: Criticism on my cats?
Hmmm :3
Aria
She seems like a very interesting cat that has a lot of potential.
More elaboration on the personality would be nice, as right now the overview just has her tendencies, not her true personality. What I normally do is pretend to be the character and completely immerse myself in them. I pick out the main characteristics and think how they would react to certain things, their flaws, their strengths, and how they would react to certain personalities. Just a suggestion, but it could help when you're roleplaying as well. I often pretend to be the character and react based on that.
The part about kidnapping kits is really interesting, and I think you should add that into her personality. Perhaps add possessive, or even obsessive over kits. I think you could probably create a plot where she kidnaps loner kits or (with permission from the leader) clan kits and eventually give them back because of her guilt. I think that could add to her personality and give her a background, making her more a more interesting character overall.
Perhaps you could add some elaboration on why she joined the Dusk Syndicate. Did she hate the clans, want to be part of a group, be closer to more kits, what? (I got to WCO while the Dusk Syndicate was being disbanded, so I don't know much about that but...) Some elaboration on her physical characteristics would be nice as well. Like what ~rattlesnake! said, 'decide what 'type' of fighter [she] would be', or what build type she is. you say she's petite, but you put her strength at an 8 when petite cats are usually less strong. So that's more a matter of whether the body-type matches the physical abilities.
Chirppelt/Chirppaw/Desertmoon
First off, the overview would make more sense if it was in sentences and the traits summing up what was said in the overview. I didn't get a feel for the character when reading the personality, so it would be easier for others to understand the character if there was a bit more elaboration on that. (Add the jealousy part from the 'Deepest Darkest Secret' when she tries to kill the other apprentices). If you've rp'd with her before, you can add some traits that you've noticed come up when you post. If you haven't, the best way to elaborate on a character is to get to know them through roleplaying. They're just like real life people. You can get a snapshot when meeting them, but becoming their friend lets you see other sides of them that you may not have noticed.
I found the phobias intriguing, but it seems like they were added without much thought. Form a background story for her that explains why she has these phobias. If she was born with them, how do they affect her life? What does her family, friends, and enemies thank of them? Everything that you add on that sheet should have some explanation about how these things are used or come up in her life. Try adding a rp sample or quote that elaborates and shows her personality so that it's easier for the person reading the site to understand. (This can be added on every page, actually.)
Hope this helped! It's just my opinion on these characters, and you don't have to accept these suggestions unless you think it's necessary.
__________________
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
― William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
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February 21st, 2018, 10:07 AM
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Falling In
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Gender: A pigeon
Posts: 4,063
My Mood:
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Re: Criticism on my cats?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spiral Whirl
Hmm, Imma try this.
I think Cottonflower's name is pretty cool but could have more meaning to it. Since if I'm correct the prefix and suffix is only for her scent. I suggest maybe keeping the cotton prefix for her scent, how pelt kind of looks like cotton, and how fluffy it is. Her suffix can be based off her personality or something that had happen in her life. I think possibly the suffix tongue or glare could be good. Since her personality isn't really built out it is hard to choose or suggest much suffixes. ^^ Of course, keeping her name the same right now is good too. Flower can always be for something else, her size, maybe she requested it, she love flowers, etc.
Now her personality only ha 3 traits, I like to try to give my characters at least 5 traits and one paragraph for a description of her personality. While I think being submissive to her mate and family is a good idea! Since she was taught that way it has a meaning. While she can be smart with her words, since she is sassy. She can probably be someone who can maniuple others easily, then! Cottonflower could be a smart witted cat that easily falls to her knees around her mate and family. I like that idea, I just really suggest giving or more traits and a deeper personality.
Overall, I like Cottonflower and think she is a good character. You don't have to take any of my advice if you don't agree with it. I never role-played or seen her roleplays so, I'm coming from a outsider view. Basing this all on her charrie page. |
You're completely right! I think the suffix -Flower is for how she is a she-cat and is seen by others as weak and is expected to be submissive and I think Flower is a very girly and pretty and non-violent name so...
But I totally like the idea of CottonGlare or CottonTongue...maybe if she gets older and decides to be a little more rebellious? I also will take some inspiration from your ideas on traits/her personality. Thank you for sharing!
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Inactive <3
Missing you all
Last edited by NightWarrior4Life; February 21st, 2018 at 10:11 AM.
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February 21st, 2018, 10:10 AM
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Falling In
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Gender: A pigeon
Posts: 4,063
My Mood:
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Re: Criticism on my cats?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liekki
Hmmm :3
Aria
She seems like a very interesting cat that has a lot of potential.
More elaboration on the personality would be nice, as right now the overview just has her tendencies, not her true personality. What I normally do is pretend to be the character and completely immerse myself in them. I pick out the main characteristics and think how they would react to certain things, their flaws, their strengths, and how they would react to certain personalities. Just a suggestion, but it could help when you're roleplaying as well. I often pretend to be the character and react based on that.
The part about kidnapping kits is really interesting, and I think you should add that into her personality. Perhaps add possessive, or even obsessive over kits. I think you could probably create a plot where she kidnaps loner kits or (with permission from the leader) clan kits and eventually give them back because of her guilt. I think that could add to her personality and give her a background, making her more a more interesting character overall.
Perhaps you could add some elaboration on why she joined the Dusk Syndicate. Did she hate the clans, want to be part of a group, be closer to more kits, what? (I got to WCO while the Dusk Syndicate was being disbanded, so I don't know much about that but...) Some elaboration on her physical characteristics would be nice as well. Like what ~rattlesnake! said, 'decide what 'type' of fighter [she] would be', or what build type she is. you say she's petite, but you put her strength at an 8 when petite cats are usually less strong. So that's more a matter of whether the body-type matches the physical abilities.
Chirppelt/Chirppaw/Desertmoon
First off, the overview would make more sense if it was in sentences and the traits summing up what was said in the overview. I didn't get a feel for the character when reading the personality, so it would be easier for others to understand the character if there was a bit more elaboration on that. (Add the jealousy part from the 'Deepest Darkest Secret' when she tries to kill the other apprentices). If you've rp'd with her before, you can add some traits that you've noticed come up when you post. If you haven't, the best way to elaborate on a character is to get to know them through roleplaying. They're just like real life people. You can get a snapshot when meeting them, but becoming their friend lets you see other sides of them that you may not have noticed.
I found the phobias intriguing, but it seems like they were added without much thought. Form a background story for her that explains why she has these phobias. If she was born with them, how do they affect her life? What does her family, friends, and enemies thank of them? Everything that you add on that sheet should have some explanation about how these things are used or come up in her life. Try adding a rp sample or quote that elaborates and shows her personality so that it's easier for the person reading the site to understand. (This can be added on every page, actually.)
Hope this helped! It's just my opinion on these characters, and you don't have to accept these suggestions unless you think it's necessary.
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Thank you for sharing! This was very helpful! I like the part about elaborating on the phobias and perhaps making back stories for these characters.
Oh, and I'm awfully sorry! I posted ChirpPaw's bio for DesertMoon...i will change that. Do you still want to review DesertMoon?
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Inactive <3
Missing you all
Last edited by NightWarrior4Life; February 21st, 2018 at 10:12 AM.
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February 21st, 2018, 03:37 PM
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Ruining dreams since 2004
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Gender: They/Them, She/Her
Posts: 1,323
My Mood:
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Re: Criticism on my cats?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightWarrior4Life
Thank you for sharing! This was very helpful! I like the part about elaborating on the phobias and perhaps making back stories for these characters.
Oh, and I'm awfully sorry! I posted ChirpPaw's bio for DesertMoon...i will change that. Do you still want to review DesertMoon?
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Uhh, sure! I'm pretty bored a lot of the time so why not?
__________________
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
― William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
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