in retrospect

[BEAR.]

Floating.

It was the only way to describe what Lionstorm was currently feeling, locked in a perpetual abyss with no end in sight for the darkness.

He was confused, unsure of where he was-- or why there was Nothing. His memory was foggy, he was still very tired, but he was well aware of his own mortality. Vaguely, he could recall pain and blood, but nothing concrete beyond that. Something.. about Fawn.

"I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU."

That voice, he recognized it but couldn't put a face to it. It boomed around him, permeating his mind as the void shattered.

He was falling, but the impact on the ground did little to daze him. He figured he'd be more winded, but within a moment he was able to get to his paws. He..

Through the misty haze, he saw him. There was no mistaking the familiar form of his long-time partner. Fawn was here? Excitement pulsed through his veins as he pushed through the mist in pursuit of Fawnsqueak, but as fast as he was, nothing seemed to close the distance between them. He disappeared into the fog, leaving Lionstorm alone to follow blindly in the mist.

Then the fog cleared. Lionstorm was standing on the Highpeak. How he knew the name, he didn't know - this was beyond ThunderClan's old camp. This was the tunnels, the lost land beneath the Clans consumed by tons of water and rubble seasons ago.

It was fascinating. He was always curious about the ancient camps, how they were structured, how they survived so long.

As he leaned over the side of the rock, he was met with a sickening sight. Directly beneath the rock, sticks had been wedged into the earth. And on them..

The decaying heads of cats. He even - recognized them, but the only name that came to him was that of Head-- Hawkstar.

He recoiled instantly, instinctively gagging from the sight and stench. Things didn't get much better from there - as his gaze flickered away from the spikes they rested on the clearing below, where blood oozed over the ground like flood water trickling in.

Beneath him, the rock shifted. Cracked. Slid.

He plunged into the blood with a hiss, and through the hot, sticky liquid he stepped into the medicine cat den. He was on top of a cat -- Somethingmoon, his claws were in her throat. She was a traitor.

She deserved this. They all deserved this. They would pay for their disobedience.

No, he didn't want this. Lionstorm took a shaky step back. "I didn't mean--" He didn't want to kill her, he didn't know her-- but he did. A medicine cat who went against him. But was her death really necessary?

”Of course,” a low voice purred in his ear. ”Isn’t this what you wanted? Just another dead ThunderClan cat.” It was unsettling, Lionstorm didn’t know her. She hadn’t done anything to him. She hadn’t been like the others, the cats who killed Fawn..

A part of him disagreed. She was a traitor. Opposition needed to be crushed. At what price?

Any.

It’s.. familiar, but Lionstorm didn't like it. Backing out of the den only got him so far, he found himself in a clearing facing WindClan. A compromise. A beaten leader, abused and imprisoned. Surrender.

The air was heavy with fear and grief.

Another fallen medicine cat, another one of his own. Dead kits. A treacherous deputy. No, two of them. It spins through his head in an overwhelming manner, he remembers the blood and carnage. He..

”You and I have always been the same.”

Lionstorm knew who he was, and the thought wasn't comforting in the slightest. No amount of stepping away from these scenes could remove him from the situation. He.. was here, once. He did this.

It was enough to make him sink down to the ground, his paws raised to sink his claws into his head. He did this. "No, no, no--" He did this. He didn't want to do this, how did he make it go away? He didn't want this. ”Get out of my head!”

"I always wondered how you would take this revelation." The voice behind him was far from comforting, and Lionstorm didn't want to look up to see him. He remembered. He could see the confusion etched across Hawkstar’s face when he lunged for him, and how that quickly turned to desperation as he threw him to the ground. How the blood spurted from his throat like a bubbling pool.

No, he didn’t want to face a cat he’d so ruthlessly slaughtered. He didn't feel ready. Knowing about the tunnels, his need for control, his impulsive dislike for WindClan when he was younger-- things were coming together better. "I don't think I knew. I.. there were things, but I didn't think to put it together."

"That’s nothing new.” The thud of paws against the ground announced Hawkstar’s approach, and Lionstorm swallowed the heavy lump in his throat as he settled beside him. “Just look at the mess you made with ThunderClan.”

"They had that coming!" Lionstorm's need to defend himself probably couldn't come at a worst time. "They killed Fawn—!"

Hawkstar didn’t seem to be buying it. ”You and I both know that’s not true." His tone reminded him of Firehawk chiding him when he was a misbehaving kit. But it wasn’t the same.. and Lionstorm let out a huffy sigh as he pulled his tail close, bunching himself up. ”You’ve always been quick to act, but you’re not an idiot.”

No, he wasn’t. Lionstorm just.. struggled. With this, specifically. It was one thing to experience death with a reason— Frostflight, Leopardshine, Firehawk, Fatherstar— they all had a reason behind their death. Beastface was stinky, a traitor, ThunderClan, a filthy rogue.. but this one hadn’t.

”It was an accident.” (“It was an accident.”)

One mis-step. A fall. And everything.. was gone. Everything they had worked so hard to build. Gone.

”But I couldn’t accept that.” (But you couldn’t accept that.”) Someone needed to be blamed. Lionstorm had been blinded by his anger and his grief, and with ThunderClan’s previous misdoings he had pinned the blame on them. Everything was still a blur to him.. but he remembered blood.

Blood. Buckstar. ”Oh Stars, what have I done?” You’ve got it all wrong.. If Lionstorm wasn’t already in a loaf, he would have curled into himself more. He wanted — to not be here. To be out of sight, to disappear.

”You have a lot of cats wondering the same thing.” Hawkstar sighed. ”Perhaps things would be different if it was just Buckstar’s life.. but you attacked their camp, Lionstorm. You murdered four cats.” Four? Lionstorm didn’t recall four — vaguely, two cats he pushed, Buckstar, Bumblebelly.. ”Rainywhisker.” Rainywhisker? Why would Rainywhisker be dead? He wouldn’t kill Rainywhisker. ”Applepaw.” He didn’t kill any apprentice, he could only remember kicking one away. ”Dogspirit..” Who the hell even was that? He knew he took out Bumblebelly, that ungrateful traitor— ”.. You don’t get it, do you?”

”I didn’t kill any of those cats.” He wasn’t some savage, he didn’t go around killing medicine cats and apprentices for the sake of it. No, he pushed two of them. He pushed two, and as for Dogspirit.. ”I didn’t kill a Dogspirit.”

”Your actions directly led to their deaths. Their blood is on your paws.” He could feel the sticky fluid clinging against his fur, the rusty scent engulfing his senses as he closed his eyes. ”There’s no going back from that.” (”There’s no going back from that.”)

It was almost sympathetic, how Hawkstar draped his tail across Lionstorm’s shoulders. It did little to settle the nausea that swirled in his stomach. ”You are fortunate today is not the moment that defines you to the stars. For all your faults and my reservations.. your dedication and loyalty to our Clan has not gone unnoticed.

“Come.” Hawkstar’s departure from his side left Lionstorm in pursuit, instantly following the companionship of the old spirit. Hawkstar’s stride took them through the depths of the forest. It was a break away from the horrors that had tormented him - the woods were bright and warm. Peaceful.

They stopped in a glade. The nearby trickle of running water alerted Lionstorm to the presence of a river, though it wasn’t directly in view. Beyond that.. the forest was quiet.

”This is where you’ll be staying. StarClan has allowed you into our forest.. but you will be in isolation until further notice, and your ability to communicate with the living has been revoked.”

In the moment, all Lionstorm felt was relief. The weight of isolation would not hit him until later; right now, he was just glad to still have the opportunity to be a star. ”Where’s Fawn?”

Hawkstar’s head tipped. ”He’s here, but I can’t say where he is at this moment. I imagine he’ll come when he’s ready to speak with you.” Lionstorm’s heart sank. His stomach flipped. In all of this, he had oversaw how Fawnsqueak might react, and hadn’t considered a negative response. Oh stars, he was going to be pissed with him.

Hawkstar’s departure came only moments later, hardly another word spoken. Lionstorm’s blank expression watched him disappear into the trees. He’d really screwed up big time— and he couldn’t help but feel it was ThunderClan’s fault, in the end. ("You know better.")

Around him, the forest remained still.