It was Mama's call that perked up her ears and had Mirepaw scampering after her. Blue eyes were wide in excitement as she wondered what was going to be in store for them today. Perhaps a family lesson! Or maybe they would all get together to play a game of some sort! Or or or even a story! Papa always told the best stories, too; she remembered from when he used to sneak into the nursery at night when he thought they were all asleep. Not her! She had stayed away one night unbeknownst to the rest of her family and had begged him for a tale. It was one of the first memories she had, and it was enshrined in gold within her mind.
"Coming Mama!" Little paws darted after her, her smile growing wide until - wait. As she approached the den, Mire became hesitant. The medicine den felt... unwelcome now. Dark, like all of the good and warm and fuzzy feelings it used to give her had been sucked clean from it. She sucked in a breath and stood outside for a moment as her siblings continued to march in ahead of her. Terror froze her paws in place and she forced herself to swallow. She didn't wanna go in. She didn't wanna be where Smokekit had been...
But her Mama was the one calling her, and Mama was safe. She was a shield against the world, a protector whenever things felt uncertain. Mama had calmed her worried back then, and she knew that if any cropped up she would calm those, too.
So after a bit the black-and-gray furred she-cat stepped into the den. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust, as the den was darker than the outside, but after a bit she managed and tried her best to smile. It didn't smell weird anymore, the tangy sharp scent gone. In its place was a sweet aroma mixed with slight bitter undertones. Were those the plants Mama worked with?? Curiosity had Mire peering further into the den. Maybe after this was over she would as Mama to show her some of them!
Once they were all piled in the den, the newly named apprentice took a seat and did her best to straighten herself up. Beaming at Mama, Papa, and... oh, who was that? Peering at the little tom she tried to catch his eye, a soft smile spreading across her face. She didn't have to wonder long as Mama explained it - that was their brother?? Her smile spread wider and she tossed a small wave towards the younger kit. Maybe after this she would introduce herself as his big sister - it made her feel important!
The next part of what Mama said felt... dark. The smile soon evaporated from Mirepaw's face as her blue eyes looked back up. Her heart lurched and suddenly she wanted to run forward and throw her paws around Mama's leg. She wanted to tell her to not cry and that it was okay! She wanted to help soothe her worries just like Mama had soothed hers. Memories of Smokekit's body flashed through her mind and Mire visibly stiffened, body wiggling in discomfort as she tried to not think about it. Papa's apology made her ache even moreso. It felt... so heavy. Wrapped in things that Mire didn't quite understand yet.
She heard Moonpaw start asking questions about Smokekit and what happened to him now. Honestly, Mirepaw wasn't sure. She hadn't been allowed to follow Mama as she had taken her brother's body out of the den. She wasn't even sure if Mama would stop to answer any of her brother's questions. And quite honestly, Mire wasn't sure if she wanted to know any of the answers; at least not right now.
It only continued from there. Mama spoke about loving them, and that made Mire feel warm - except it was... muddled. She said she loved them, but it was off. She couldn't place her paw on what, was too young to really understand the gravity behind the tone. Her jaws opened to say she loved Mama too, but Mama wasn't done talking yet so she closed them again.
Her words felt hot. Aimed at Papa now, Mirepaw shrunk back a little. Something was wrong, and in her ears roared the beat of her heart. There were whispers now to run, but she found she was glued with her eyes shifting between Mama and Papa. Why... why was she talking like this to him? Didn't they love each other? Reflecting back on it the young apprentice was nearly certain she'd seen the affection before. Some sign that they loved each other just as deeply as Mama was saying she loved all of them.
Snapping words now flung to Howls, she couldn't help but flinch and look around for her sister. Howls looked... different. Mire wanted to run to her, but found that moving anywhere except closer and closer to the ground was impossible. Even Howls words sounded... off. She blinked at her sister, opening her jaws to say something before shutting them again. This felt wrong. Mire wasn't sure if she wanted to be here. There would certainly be no games played, no stories told... no love shared...
The den felt just as dark and cold and empty as it had on the day that Smokekit had died.
"I'm not a monster. Not unless you make me one."
Startled into staring at Mama once more, Mirepaw felt her whiskers tremble. Mama wasn't a monster... she was safe and warm and protective and caring. She was love and hope and happiness - a warm moss bed to sink into and plenty of moss-balls to play with. She was the pride in being named an apprentice and the joy in hearing the Clan chant their names. Mama was apart of all of them... wasn't she?
Who was Mama if not... safety?
Then came the berating, and Mirepaw felt a strange, overwhelming sensation near her face. A stinging feeling behind her eyes had her blinking, and a paw lifted to her face told her it was wet. Why was it wet? As she held her paw there she felt more droplets collect. It didn't feel good so she set her paw down and parted her jaws to try and draw in a breath. Something felt heavy in her chest and Mire wondered for a second if it was her heart. Mama had listed off all these injuries that her littermates had, but so far she hadn't had any of that. Except this... this pain. Was that what was wrong with her? Her paw went to her chest as she looked down, but she couldn't see anything but her familiar fur. It frightened her. How was Mama suppose to fix her injury if it wasn't visible??
Every word that Mama continued to speak increased the pain until it felt nearly unbearable. Mirepaw wanted to weep and sob and scream but she remained silent, the tears continuing to fall. Conflictions rose up in her chest now, mingling with the pain and turning it murky. Mama could do no wrong, right? Even as she berated them. Even as she broke Mire's heart; despite all of it, the shattered pieces would still beat for her.
But did Mama not want them anymore? She had said it herself they had an entire Clan to rely on. Were they not allowed to come to her anymore? The idea now of asking her about the herbs felt silly, and Mire an idiot for even thinking it in the first place. Now instead of those thoughts she had a new question to ponder; did she want to dispose of Mama? (...No... no, Mire needed Mama. The world was scary and big and dark and Mama made it brighter...)
...There were no more words coming. Mirepaw blinked and glanced around at her siblings. She was trying to see if she could tell what they were all thinking when Papa started to talk. Immediately she looked back towards him, a newfound hope in her chest. Maybe Mama was just sick, and Papa would explain it better. He would comfort Mama, and then he would comfort the rest of them. Maybe he'd even share a story or two - that had always made her happy, so why would it not the rest of the litter?
But it was clear when he opened his eyes that was not the case. He spat words at Mama, and they morphed into something dark right in front of Mirepaw's eyes. A tiny, almost inaudible squeak left her. This wasn't the Papa she knew... the gentle paw, the soft voice, the smile. This Papa was... scary. As he rose to his paws Mire hated how she scooted back a bit, unable to tear her gaze away. At any moment she expected him to turn on them, to bare his fangs and lash his tail. Why was he so angry? Was he mad that Mama seemed to be sick?
...What was happening to her family?
"Papa..." Mirepaw croaked, but her words are lose underneath the tirade of Papa's continued snarls. Now his face was wet too, which made the tears from her fall faster. Die. Die. Die. Mire didn't like that word. That's what had happened to Smokekit, and he wasn't here. And now... this was happening. She pressed her paws together and whipped her tail to flank her side, pressing it against herself as hard as she could. Then Papa used words like selfish and self-centered. She didn't know what they meant but they felt prickly, like they were a plant with thorns that would poke her and make her bleed if she got too close to them. Why was he calling them that? Where was the Papa who had told her stories? Who had tucked her back into her nest? She wanted that Papa... not whoever this was. Maybe Papa was sick too...
No, Papa couldn't get sick. Mama couldn't get sick. They were too strong, too resilient. Mirepaw saw them on pedestals, up high above where no one could ever bring them down. She wanted to be just like each of them; she wanted her Mama's healing and comforting way, and she wanted Papa's strength and confidence and story-telling. She wanted them both to just... stop yelling.
Once the words had finished coming and the quietness of the den settled back around them, Mirepaw became aware that her breathing was quick. It made her feel funny so she tried her best to slow down, though it felt nearly impossible. The quiet blanket of no words only lasted a short time, with Howls being the first to speak. Her words... Mire wasn't sure what to think. She hadn't really understood what was going on between the sibling she felt closest to and Mama, but it had never felt good. Howls was... tossing Mama away? Fear sparked in her gaze and the young cat opened her jaws to start saying something, but Howls continued anyways. No! Why was she doing that? Why did she want to turn Mama away?? They needed Mama!
Next to tumble out words was Quietpaw - and Mire winced at those as well. Why was there so much hatred towards their parents? Why did... why did all of her littermates seem to be able to grasp this while she felt lost like she was in the forest in the middle of the night? Mirepaw frowned and parted her jaws to speak once more, but no words came out and Quietpaw kept on talking. Then she scolded Howls and Mire felt her heart shatter even more. "You're b-being mean..." she whispered under her breath, but it was so quiet that she barely heard herself. Paws shuffled underneath her and she looked at him, despite the fact that they were blurry.
Her ears caught the sounds of another one of her siblings crying in the aftermath, and Mire felt the urge to run after her. That was Cindy - she still hadn't apologized for ruining her nest. At the thought Mirepaw's chest squeezes. She hoped her sister didn't think she hated her for it. Maybe she would invite Cindy to sleep in hers and Howls and Birdy's nest.
Another voice joined the fray and this one Mirepaw didn't recognize at first. Sleepy...paw. Yes that was it. But the words she speaks too are frightening. She was asking - no, she was begging - Mama to not do this. Suddenly there was hope in her chest at the thought of Mama hearing those words and realizing that not everyone was angry with her. Not everyone hated her and that if nothing else at least Bleedingkit and Sleepy and Mire still loved her and wanted her to be Mama and no one else.
But then the words twisted into something she didn't recognize. A lot of what Sleepypaw said felt cutting and hurtful, but not to Mirepaw directly. Sniffling the young apprentice continued to listen despite her shaking form. Nightshiver? Who was that? Was that... was that who Sleepy was going to replace Mama with? How could she?? Confusion morphed with the betrayal she felt, the hope that had once flickered in her chest as Sleepy said she loved Mama dissipating like morning mist.
Then Sleepypaw looked at them, and instinctively Mirepaw shrunk down (by now she was crouched on the ground, near the back of the group). Sleepy hadn't known about them? Is that why she was mad? Is that why she started to say these hurtful words to Mama, dismantling any hope of convincing Mama that she wasn't hated? Mire opened her jaws wishing to speak again, but she can't get any words out, and instead closes her mouth again. The words continue to flow, and it's at this point that Mire isn't sure how much she can take listening to.
It was rectified in the end but Mirepaw didn't believe it would change anything. Still, against her better judgement, her gaze shifts to Mama to gauge her reaction. Maybe it would be enough to convince Mama that not all of them wanted to dispose of her... it had to be. (Mire couldn't lose her...). Sleepy was leaving now though, and Mire watched her go in despair.
Moonpaw's yowl brought her head snapping back and this time a louder squeak of fear left her. Mirepaw trembled against the ground, unsure if the tears are still falling because she can't feel her face anymore. It shot alarms through her, which she would've indicated to Mama if she could talk. All she could do was stare as Moon yowled and yowled. He was saying how he loved Mama, and that's what Mire had hoped for... but not in this way. It felt harsh and cold and mean.
And then her brother lunged to swat at Bleedingkit, and Mirepaw felt something snap. Rushing forward on unsteady paws, past her other siblings, she tried to get in between them - but was too late in doing so. Moonpaw landed his mark on their brother. "Stop! Stop Moony! Why are you being so mean to him??" Doing her best to slip between the two she peers at her brother with wide eyes. "Mama loves all of us-" ...was that the truth anymore? "there's enough of it to go to you, and me, and all of us, and Bleedingkit. But your mean words are... are..." Mirepaw failed in searching for the word to describe how the spiteful words Moonpaw used made her feel.
With a thudding heart, she turned and glanced at Bleedingkit. "...I'm sorry... Um, I'm Mirepaw. I guess I'm your big sister." She had never been a big sister before. It made her feel important. Offering the kit a soft smile, she added, "Maybe when you're an apprentice, you can, um, come share mine and Birdy's and Howl's nest?" Oh, no! She couldn't leave the rest of her littermates out! Turning to look at them she sucked in a sniveling breath. "A-And you all can, too. We could all have... one big nest... like we used to." Even the ones that had spoken with such... venom. Mire just wanted them all to be a family again.
Quillpaw was the next to speak and his words feel like sharp thorns. Why did all of her siblings hate Mama so much? Didn't they see that both Mama and Papa were just sick? They didn't mean the words they spoke - they couldn't!. Mire knew Mama and Papa loved her. She couldn't put it into words, but she just knew. Her sad gaze found Quillpaw, wondering why her brother sounded so angry. The things he spoke of didn't make any sense to her.
Suddenly the den felt too small. Mirepaw felt her heart thudding in her chest as she slowly turned. The cat behind her, the cat she had felt so conflicted by, was Mama. Blue eyes stare up for some time at Mama, wondering what to say. "...I love you, Mama," she murmured, trembling and wanting to hug her but not sure anymore if she was allowed to do so. "It's okay. Maybe you didn't have... have that growing up, but it's okay. I love you. We all love you." Her Mama... stars. Her Mama made the best of a bad deal. It made Mire want to pretend that none of this was real.
There. She had finally managed to say her piece. Paws backing up, Mirepaw shook her head and looked again at her siblings. This time, the tears are still there. "Why can't you all love Mama??" Her voice was louder than she thought it would be. "Mama and Papa... they're both trying. They love us, I know they do! But you're all being mean to them! Why??" Mire didn't even understand why they all felt this way. "...Maybe they're sick, a-and all you're doing is making it worse!"
Oh... oh no. That was too far. Sniffling, Mirepaw added, "I didn't mean that... I-I..." ...She was just like them now, yowling. Mirepaw bit her tongue, letting the sharp pain of that distract her. "...I'm sorry, Mama," a turn to look at Mama, "...I'm sorry, Papa..." before shifting her head to look at Papa. In that moment, under the eyes of the siblings who she now knew, without any secrets, hated Mama and Papa, Mirepaw felt like she didn't belong.
"...I love you." The quiet words she wasn't sure were heard were at least spoken. Mirepaw blinked at the ground, tears dampening the surface. She makes her way to the back of the group again, but instead of sitting down she turned to look at all of her siblings. She didn't feel safe here. "...I'm sorry." For what she's about to do, because she doesn't want to stay here anymore. She wants to not feel all of this weight on her back.
But Mire also didn't want to disappoint her parents. Despite the way she wanted to run the young apprentice's heart beat rapidly in her chest, she sat down, and bowed her head. Defeated.
Bleedingkit
Shadowclan Kit | He/Him | 2 Moons | Just a Scratch
The little bengal was starting to understand Ashkit more.... Understand why she'd hated this place. The medicine cats den was a place of pain.
It was in the air, in all these cats voices and scents and faces and hearts and it was only thickening as the yelling intensified.
He didnt get it, he didnt get it! This family was supposed to be new, this family was supposed to be different, they were supposed to be better! But this, this yelling this hate this fractured family was just like his old one and it felt like he was back in the place he was so happy to be free of except they didnt all hate him they all hated eachother!
Bleedingkit didnt understand why! He'd thought these cats were so nice and cool so far so why were they so mad and yelling at eachother like they were the worst of enemies. He didnt understand, he didnt understand, HE DIDNT UNDERSTAND!
The tiny kitten was terrified it was clear in the shivering that was made violet and clear by his disability and how he downright coward at Lostsparks paws, assuming a practiced position of curling up and keeping so small and still and quiet to avoid being noticed and targeted like his siblings used to when angry.
Not that he wasnt watching all these new siblings closely, trying to be prepared just in case.
Heronpaw scared him most of all for some reason, even as she didnt scream like some of the others, something wrong and worrying that made the kitten internally beg to stay under the radar.
He was really excited about Birdpaw though! She seemed friendly even as she too soon became so sad and had things been different maybe Bleedingkit might try and talk to her, though now that was moot.
Quietpaw talked like an adult, which of course made Bleedingkit confused and not understand her, but he could tell she didnt really care which made her as safe as it did unsafe, so safer then some of the others.
Cinderpaw looked like she needed a cuddle, and Bleedingkit wanted to give her one but she was far away and he was trying very hard to not move and be noticed and the little tom whined silently unable to help even if he wished to.
Quillpaw was both happy and bitter, and but somehow less dangerous then many others and so shuffled into the safe list.
Then there was Moonpaw Mirepaw and Sleepypaw, interconnected in a way.
The white spotted black molly nor her younger black tabby counterpart didnt earn the bengals attention at first, his wide blue eyes caught by the more bold Moonpaw and before this had all turned sad his spotted tail even waggled happy and his head bobbled at Moonpaw in a clumsy nod, Bleedingkit oh so eager to play with a sibling for the first time ever!
Nice things do not stay however, Moonpaw did not stay nice. For reasons the little tom just did not understand in the midst of all the pain the apprentice turned sour, turned cruel and mean and Bleedingkit was sent sprawling away from his Mama with a shocked squeak. Had it been anyone else it probably wouldve been a pained noise, the age, anger and size difference contributing to a decent tumble however Bleedingkits odd lack of ability to feel pain meant he really only was scared by the shock of it.
He was separated from his Mama in that single motion, even a small batt from an older apprentice sending such a small kitten sprawling away and so in one cruel motion had robbed Bleedingkit of his safety and shelter.
At least he had a defender, standing in front of the corner of the den he'd tumbled into.
Even with Mirepaw there he still tried to explain what he could to Moonpaw and spare himself more potential aggression, even as he backed off. "I-I-I d-didnt- I-I dunno,Miss Dawnstar she..." He really couldnt get the explanation out however, words strangled by his own fear as he grew increasingly silent, pressed up against the den as blue eyes flicked between steadfast Mirepaw and furious Moonpaw.
It couldve been worse, had she not been there, which was a sad stark realization to have. Had the older tom actually intended to hurt him would Mama step in and stop her own blood by force from hurting the kitten or would kin rank above the kitten the leader had assigned to her, yet another duty that distracted from these bitter children. Mirepaw made him feel like maybe that wasnt the case, that they all didnt view him as a burden that took away their mothers attention and was instead a family (if a fractured one) that the kitten had dreamed of having.
However he visibly flinched as his mind connected the idea that the nice warn nest she'd invited him to included howlingHeronpaw and some of the others Bleedingkit didnt trust to not resent him. No, that wasnt safe and pinned ears that'd flicked up in hope quickly pinned right back down again.
Nothing was safe right now. Mirepaw wasnt safe, the nest she'd invited him too had included the angry cats and Bleedingkit just couldn't trust they wouldnt be angry at him. Besides, his temporary defender seemed to have more important things to focus on then him, turning away to talk to Mama. Mirepaw was safe, just not a safe space right now and maybe not when the angry cats were around her.
Similarly Mama also wasnt safe, as him being close to his new Mama made the others made and sad and hurt. The bengal did not really understand why, not able to understand any of the others words and pain but he was pretty sure it was because he wasnt blood to these cats. Because he was a warped little freak and a burden like Rosa said and that they didnt want someone like that in the family.
Well Bleedingkit wanted to be near his new Mama and a kind new family, he wanted cuddles and comfort and the care he was constantly desperate to get any scrap of, love starved as he was, but he at least had the self preservation to not risk his safety to get it. Being near Mama in front of others was dangerous he was learning, and it made his family feel bad things. Bleedingkit wanted to be loved so so badly, and making cats feel bad things and hate him was not that, so best to not make anyone mad even if it was to his detriment.
No, instead he went to Sleepypaw.
He didnt quite understand why, running on instinct to bolt to the first safe place he could think of while everyone was distracted, so as long as it wouldnt make cats mad. So he scurried and ducked in quickly, burrowing up to Sleepypaws warmth as (being finally hidden from watchful eyes) he both broke down and choked down wails and sobs into silent heaves of his back as he cried without sound.
It felt safe here, warm here and he felt cared for even though Sleepypaws hesitance with him and his own pain. Bleedingkit was determined to not discount that so through his little gasps of "I dont understand anything, I dont understand anything!" He choked down this terror with a resolve to help and maybe be loved for doing so, able to do at least that much with the comfort Sleepypaw provided. His big sister was hurting too but she stayed strong, so he could too as long as she was here.
So even as tears still rolled down his face the little kitten calmed and clumsily rubbed his cheek against Sleepypaws leg, sheltered by her tail, grooming the fur he messed up with shaky licks. Was it helping at all? He couldnt know but grooming and cuddles and quiet purring always helped him when he was upset so he kept it up as long as he could.
Not that this safe place lasted, not in this den of pain, and as Sleepypaw couldnt take it anymore and left Bleedingkit let out an audible little wail as he was left unprotected and exposed. No no! Why did she leave, did he do something wrong here too? Now he had no Mama to go to because it wasnt safe and no sister he felt safe around to shelter him from the eyes that kept looking at him!
Moonpaw was right there, he was right there and could get at Bleedingkit with only a couple of steps if Mirepaw wasnt quick enough! The shaking started again, tremors rocking the little kit as his fur puffed up trying to make his pitifully tiny and skinny form bigger and less weak looking, not that it worked. After all, his scared silent crying had ramped up again and breathing quickened to audible gasps as blue eyes darted around towards the exit obviously about to bolt.
This den was the hurting place with hurting cats and he didnt want to be here anymore! Bleedingkit wanted out!
“I understand the sentiment, Darkfall.” Lostspark said when the dark-furred tom [ @Dark ] started to speak. “Hell, I even–” The Medicine Cat whirled around and stormed out of sight, into the other cave where hers and Mossfreckle's nests were. She returned a moment later, brandishing the owl feather with a gesture so vigorous and jerky it was like focusing on the motion was the only thing keeping her from crumbling. ”I kept it, Darkfall. It did mean something to me–” She cut off when her ex-mate kept going, and a small part inside of her laughed. Not externally. Laughed at her, inside her mind, because she was bringing these tidal waves of hurt upon herself.
She stood there, looking more than a little lost. Her voice was quiet, tone even, no strength behind it, just a distant murmur. “But you cannot fault me for overlooking one week - where, since you recall so well, I had to worry over a bleeding mate who barely knew my name anymore along with the stress that came with pregnancy - in a timeframe of nearly five moons.”
Her ears rang, head throbbing with a blooming ache, vision swimming. No, wait, her vision really was swimming. It was dimming, dimming, eyesight leeching out for a heartstopping moment, and everything turned a familiar dark — but Lostspark was still there. Still present. She could hear them, her family, her kits, violence lancing the air as they spoke, one by one, tearing into her.
Darkfall was telling her it hurt, as if she did not understand the magnanimity of that hurt. As if she too did not have those feelings. He brought up Oliver, but he couldn’t have been farther from the truth. She had even told him their break-up had had nothing to do with Oliver, but here he was, casting his insecurities into the air as if her words didn’t hold any value.
But this was what she wanted. She wanted to hear their frustrations, their losses. She had asked to hear them, so she would. “I wanted to hear your thoughts, Darkfall.” She said simply. “There is no need to apologize.”
Heronpaw [ @stag ] was next, and the lithe grey feline trained her amber gaze on the young apprentice as she spoke, absorbing every hate-riddled word. Yet, Lostspark didn’t say anything. She listened in silence, choking down the emotions inside her that clamored for attention. ‘Your six-moon children should not have to reach out for the bare minimum from you.’ So they didn’t have to reach out, but she did? Essentially, this was what it boiled down to. A one-sided effort, because no one was giving a damn that she was trying, that she was merely a cat as any other, that she made mistakes.
For a moment, as blackness remained, Lostspark wondered if her wish had been nullified, if her kits would regain what they’d lost and be content. But Lostspark knew, with striking clarity in that second, that even if such a miracle were to occur, her kits would still hate her, scorn her. Turn away from her.
And for a brief moment, Lostspark wondered if her death would be the only thing to give them satisfaction.
Death would be the easy way out, and for just a moment, both her and her roleplayer were tempted. So very tempted, but her roleplayer is too stubborn to leave plots unfinished, and it is not yet Lostspark’s time to die, no matter how convenient the matter would be.
Birdpaw’s [ @Mica ] whimper caused Lostspark paws to twitch, everything in her yearning to reach out to her emotionally wounded daughter. But she didn’t know if it would be welcome, and another of her daughters had begun speaking anyway. Quietpaw’s [ @Morrigan ] words were a surprise, because while Lostspark knew the dark-furred apprentice held back a lot of her emotions, she had not expected… to be disliked so. And therein lay her point. If none of them ever talked to her, how would she know what they were feeling? ‘If you just called us here so you could cry and blame everything on us then I think you're the one who needs to get their act together, hmm?’ Irony hit her like a speeding truck then, because Lostspark did blame herself. She blamed herself endlessly. But see here? The part that they were blind to was that each of them contributed to this family. That the blame did spread like poison ivy, whether you were aware of it or not. And she was sorry, she had said sorry, had said she loved them, but if they chose not to hear it, if they chose to focus on the bad instead of the good…
Sue her for having emotions such as frustration.
Cornered prey. That was what they made her feel like. Her family. Doing this. To her. She knew how this worked. The feeling of being prey was a close-knit experience, spanning back to her kithood days under Fablespinner’s sneer. Submission had been drilled into her, and once taught, it could be buried, but never forgotten. She could not forget it no matter how hard she tried. One wrong move and death awaited her.
Lostspark had constantly cried as a kit. When night fell, when she huddled alone as close as she dared to Howler, trying to share her older, golden brother’s body heat because he was the closest thing she had to comfort. The tears had fallen unbidden those nights, and while Fablespinner and Howler pretended they couldn’t hear, the former made her dislike for the nightly sniffling clear as day in the sunlight.
Fablespinner had always called her a crier, and even though Lostspark had resisted anything to do with her tear ducts after joining ShadowClan, she had still reverted back to her old ways it seemed. She cried once more, in the dark of night, with no one to witness her hurt until her heart was so raw even movement felt like torture.
If Lostspark had improved on anything, it was that her midnight weeping was no longer loud enough to reach the ears of her singular denmate.
It was a while later, when her ears continued ringing, when the blackness in her gaze remained, when everything started to feel ten times more suffocating, that Lostspark realized something. Air. Air, she wasn't taking in any air, a distant part of her mused. But the version of herself back on earth was unresponsive, frozen stiff, lungs not working as they were meant to. She needed to breathe, but dragging in breath only made her panic more. But Lostspark couldn't panic. She needed to control herself, rein herself in, so that was what she did, however unwise it was. Lostspark took measured deep breaths, repeatedly until the swimming in her vision cleared and her ears popped, grounding herself on the familiar tang of herbs, as sights and sounds came rushing back. And then, she shoved that, too, into the chained box in her heart that was already overflowing with stress.
Foggy amber eyes snap to Cinderpaw [ @Neptune. ] as the black tabby weeps, sinking to the floor, and the Medicine Cat feels like her heart is being rendered into two halves. Fix this. She needs to fix it, because if she doesn’t, ShadowClan is about to realize the height of what it means to die from grief alone. Wouldn’t that be funny? To lose a Medicine Cat because her family had run her raw. Maybe it’d be welcomed, maybe it was more preferable than to live a life hated, unwanted. Skies knew the only cat Lostspark was entirely certain without a doubt would mourn her was Dawnstar, because even Sleepypaw [ @Estelle ] did not wait until Lostspark could speak, as if her words, her reply, whatever it would be, did not matter.
Even when Moonpaw [ @Poprock ] lashed out, even as Quillpaw [ @furrensic ] sneered, even when Mirepaw [ @taillow ] crumpled, even when Bleedingkit [ @Rani ] stammered and shook, the Medicine Cat took in their words, this chaos, pulling it into herself.
So Lostspark continued doing what she’d done a few moments ago. She shut her eyes, and slowly, so very painfully, crammed all her feelings away. Her sadness, her hurt, the feeling of betrayal and self-deprecation she felt. Because her family didn’t want her. Didn’t want her with all of her feelings and problems and messy emotions. They wanted someone who never said anything about her own hurt. So Lostspark packed them away, pushed them into a corner that was already bursting at the seams, and then returned to the gaping chasm in her chest that was left in the wake of her lost feelings. She was empty. Broken. And she realized what it felt to be in Fablespinner’s paws. To be hated by one’s own kin.
“Okay.” She whispered, deflating.
So she accepted it, because her family did not wish her to live anyway. She would fix this, because whether all of the cats around her realized it now or not, that burden fell on her shoulders as well.
Because she could forgive, and she could try her hardest to move on.
[ Darkfall powerplay perms granted by @/Dark ]
So she ordered her thoughts, her feelings, her votilate emotions, neatly lining them up. And it was while doing that that she realized something, her gaze drifting once more to Darkfall.
She had loved him once, and that love had been a beautiful thing. It had crossed oceans, raced winds, soared skies, inspired dreams. But all Lostspark could do now was reminisce. Maybe they'd never been meant to be, but Lostspark was glad for the little time they'd gotten for themselves. She had loved, and maybe one day she could love again, but at the moment all she felt was remorse that she had held on to her anger and frustration and solitude and trauma for so long that letting someone else in was nearly impossible.
It had only gotten harder when Darkfall broke her trust. She didn't know when her heart had closed down on it, but now all Lostspark felt... was the wispy trail of a love once lived, a path once walked, and now gone. She didn't love him, not in the romantic way, not anymore. And regardless of Darkfall's thoughts... it wasn't because of Oliver.
It had never been because of Oliver.
Lostspark's heart had just been falling out of love, and her subconscious had registered it, had pushed her to cut ties. So cut ties she had done. Darkfall was again the first cat she approached, but this time there was no anger, no frustration, no lashing out. The sad smile that crept onto her face was full of nostalgic memories and sunsets spent in meadows, surrounded by flowers the color of fire. White-tipped paws lifted to wipe away the trail of tears on his cheeks. "I'm sorry, Darkfall." She whispered, tone laced with quiet remorse. "I'm sorry that we didn't have long enough together. I'm sorry for ruining us. I'm sorry for it all and more."
The Medicine Cat paused, paws on his cheeks, staring up into his gaze. “But while I am sorry for the wedge I drove between us, I will never regret you or our kids, all of them.” Her eyes softened. “Bleedingkit included, if you will have him. And I love you, Darkfall, but not like that. Not anymore. And before you ask or try to beat yourself up about it, it's not because of Oliver, and it is not because you were not enough. You are more than enough – you will be enough for someone eventually, but that someone... Darkfall, it is not me. Not anymore. I don't think I can love, at least not now. That part of me broke a long time ago.”
Maybe Lostspark just wasn't capable of love. Not anymore, not after her first two chances had failed so spectacularly. A cat only got one shot at love - Lostspark had gotten two - and both had... they had not failed, per se. She had kits now. Fourteen kits in ShadowClan to speak of. Maybe that was who she was meant to love. Her family, her Clan. Herself, for once. "If you are still up to co-parent our kits with the disaster that is me, without all this animosity keeping us apart, then I have no qualms."
Stepping back, Lostspark turned her gaze to the kits who remained. “I need to go after Sleepypaw, and then I will be back.” She looked towards the enforcer as she asked this question, waiting until he gave a nod of confirmation before heading out of the den after a; “I would prefer you remain, because I have numerous mistakes to fix and apologies to make to every one of you after I return from Sleepypaw, but if you'd rather leave, then I will not stop you. I will merely find you later, when you are free.” Her gaze scanned the kits in the dark of her den. “I love every one of you. I am sorry for lashing out, for not having done enough, for having caused you all so much hurt. I did not intend for this to spiral so much out of control. But if you will allow me to, I promise I will fix it. I will mend my relationship with every one of you, and even if it doesn’t happen right away, I will continue to try.”
[ Sleepypaw powerplay perms granted by @/Estelle ]
Silent paws carried Lostspark into the dark, familiar den of her mother. She had followed Sleepypaw here, and she found the apprentice in a corner. Heart aching with the threat of another loss, another loved one hating her, Lostspark made her way over.
“Sleepypaw, you are always welcome in my den, because you are always in my heart. In fact, if you moved in there permanently, I would be more happy to accommodate you. I thought this had been clear to you before, and I am sorry it was not.” Lostspark began, settling down beside her daughter. "I'm sorry for not making it clear. I'm sorry for neglecting you. I'm sorry for causing you this much hurt, and I'm sorry I did not say any of this before. It is long overdue. It hurts me to see you hurt, and I hate myself for the mistakes I've made. But that's just what they are - mistakes. Mistakes are made so that we can better ourselves the next time around, so even if I do not deserve forgiveness, I am here to seek it anyway."
"Your father's name is Oliver, but most call him Prince. I never mentioned him before because he was an outsider, and he disappeared without a trace before I could even tell him I was expecting kits. You were born in Icy Heartlands." Lostspark sighed softly, eyes falling shut for a moment as memories flooded her. "That reminds me to offer - if you ever need any apprentice training, you can ask me. I told you I'd take you out of camp once you were apprenticed, and I will not back down on that offer if you'll have me." Opening her eyes, she continued. "It was cold, I remember. But a few days before your birth, Darkfall, Shadefrost, and I were fighting off a fox. We killed it, in the end, but not before it got a kick in, to my stomach." Lostspark sighed. "We'll say the birth is complicated. I was alone when I started kitting, alone when the three - yes, three - of you were born. You have two brothers, Sleepypaw. One is Daykit, who never lived a day past birth. And the other, your brother, Sorrelkit."
"My real mother is not a nice cat. Never has been. That is why I constantly treat Dawnstar like my mother, because Dawnstar is the only mother I recognize, and she is your grandmother." Lostspark forced a light laugh, but it sounded broken, defeated, cracked. "Maybe I inherited Fablespinner's awful parenting skills. She found me that day, because she'd known where I lived after I escaped her, and she stole Sorrelkit. I wanted to get him back, Sleepypaw, I wanted for you to have at least one sibling, because it was my fault for Daykit's death anyway. Had I stayed precautious and not left camp to fight that fox, all three of you would be here today. But I was foolish, and I felt a fool when I realized what my horrible decisions got me. Two lost sons and a daughter who'd grow up isolated, all because I never thought parenting through."
She dragged in a shaky breath, and then expelled it, because everything inside her wanted to spill out and dissipate. It didn't want to remain contained in her too-little body. Suddenly everything felt too tight, too small. But breaking down now would unspool all the effort she was trying put in. "So," Lostspark's voice shook, wobbling precariously, pulled taught with the strain of the mental war she faced inwardly. "I was too ashamed..." Her voice cracked again, white-tipped paws shaking fervently as she dug her claws into the sand, breathing raspy with the effort of not breaking down. To see this through. "Too ashamed to admit to the Clan, to you, of everything I had cost you."
Lostspark gasped, the sound ragged. She was breaking, from the inside out. "I looked for Sorrelkit endlessly after I recovered. And every day without finding him was just a reminder of the failure of a mother I am." Oh, who was she kidding? She had been broken from the start, born this way. It made sense now, why Fablespinner had hated her so much. She was a bad omen. The Spare. "And I- I'm sorry." Amber eyes squeezed shut, forcefully refusing the tears. "I'm so, so sorry, that I have never expressed to you how much I love you." And once again, Lostspark picked up her overwhelming feelings, picked up the metaphorical bottle, and shoved them away.
She was a mother. She could not crumble when the world was already crumbling around her.
"I know I do not deserve to be glad of how perfect you are, darling girl. I know it is selfish of me to be relieved that I can always rely on you to be my daughter, my heart, the one who never does wrong. It should not be expected of you, and I realized the toll it has taken. Let me tell you that in the end, Sleepypaw, no matter how many mistakes you may make or mishaps may happen, you will never be less in my eyes. I call you mine alone, not Oliver's or Darkfall's or Dawnstar's, because I am proud to have a daughter such as you, and because you are mine first. And if I forget to tell you that, if I overlook giving you fair treatment, come to me, remind me, talk to me. I will never think less of you or any of your siblings, whether adopted or not, for speaking your mind. I am your mother, it is my job to forgive you. And even if it weren't, I would forgive you regardless."
"I will always, always come back to you, Sleepypaw, because I love you, and I see you." She whispered, tilting her daughter's face upward with a gentle paw to meet her gaze. "But this time, my love, you can choose to come with me instead of having to stay behind. The choice is yours, because I have so far never given you a choice, and I despise myself for that." Lingering a beat, Lostspark gently pressed her forehead to her daughter's. "You can return to my den with me if you wish. That is where I am going, to right all the wrongs I have caused to happen with your siblings. We are a family, Sleepypaw. You, me, them. You are part of us, we are a part of you. Maybe they won't forgive me, maybe my attempt to help us does us further damage, but I am trying, and I hope anyone realizes that."
And once she had returned to her own den, whether Sleepypaw chose to follow or not, because that choice was entirely up to her daughter, Lostspark stood in the entrance, eyes drifting over each kit. She had rounds to make, hearts to soothe, apologies to make.
“Let me make it clear, that the ultimatum I set was because I thought none of you wanted anything to do with me anymore. And I would understand if that was the case, but if you were to pick that, if you wanted to set that boundary, I would have respected it, but it was never, never because I wished to get rid of you. It was for the opposite – in case some you felt tied down because of me. Because even had you chosen that path, I would have respected your boundaries, but I would never stop caring about you. All of you, every single one of you, whether biological or not, mean the world to me. You are my family, and the last thing I want is for us to break apart.”
“Heronpaw.” Lostspark paused in front of the grey tabby to speak. “You are not the eldest of my kits. That would be Fallenkit, but regardless, you are now the eldest of thirteen. I know you dislike me, despise me even, and I do not hold it against you. You, along with every cat in this family, are allowed to have emotions. All I ask is to be made aware of those emotions, those thoughts, and those feelings. I know I’ve done wrong by you, by your siblings, and I want to fix those mistakes. Tell me how, because I want to fix this, fix us. I am looking for a solution. I dislike waking every day and knowing the eldest of my thirteen hates me. I want to know why you feel this way, Heronpaw. I want you to know, Sundew, that at the end of the day I am still your mother, that I love you, that at the end of the day I will always choose to be your mother, through thick and thin. I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you.”
“Birdpaw.” Lostspark moved on to her shaking daughter, eyes misting over with tears at the sight. What had she done? Sitting down beside the blue-tinted molly, the lithe grey feline attempted to lay her tail over her daughter’s back. “Baby bird.” She whispered, voice tinged with remorse. “I’m so sorry for causing you this hurt. I am so sorry for making you witness that.” Her head lowered to Birdpaw’s level. “And I am sorry for not making it clear that you and your siblings are not the burden I spoke of. The burden is not knowing where I stand with every one of you, and wanting day after day to be able to fix it. I love you, little bird. Please forgive me.”
Quietpaw was next, and frankly, Lostspark felt the most guilt over not having realized the extent of this daughter’s emotions. Stopping in front of Quietpaw, Lostspark stared down at her daughter for a few moments. “I reckon that my words of reassurance would mean very little here, but regardless, all I will say is that you mean just as much to me as the rest of your siblings do. I am sorry for neglecting you. Tell me how I can mend our bond, please.”
Cinderpaw… Oh, Lostspark felt awful about Cinderpaw. Her daughter had been through so much recently, and… now look what Lostspark had done. Padding over to the black and white tabby’s form, the heavily scarred molly swallowed roughly. And then, tentatively, oh-so-tentatively, she attempted to curl up around Cinderpaw’s body. “I’m sorry.” Lostspark put the effort into not letting her voice crack, because if it did, if she let in the urge to shed even a single tear, she didn’t know if she’d be able to stop. “I love you, Cinderpaw. I’m so sorry for making you hurt. For making you think I do not care.” Lostspark exhaled softly. “I have not told you this, I have not said this enough, but I am proud of you, Cinderpaw. Proud of you for being so brave, proud of you for having pushed through and gotten your apprentice name with the rest of your siblings.” The former enforcer rose to her paws once more, attempting to nudge Cinderpaw along with her as she went. She did not wish for her daughter to be alone, isolated, in a corner. Lifting her paws, attempting to wipe away her daughter’s tears, Lostspark met her amber gaze. “I love you, okay?”
“Quillpaw. You’re right. I’m not ready to be a mother, I wasn’t ready to be a mother. But that does not mean I regret having any of you. All I can do now is adapt, and learn from my mistakes. Which, I have made a lot of, most of all today. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not having spent enough time with you, for not getting to know you better. I want to make up for these mistakes. Let me prove to you I’m not trying to say goodbye.”
“Moonpaw.” Lostspark turned to her son, making her way over to him. Moonpaw, turning to violence as the answer. She never thought… never thought she’d see the day her son would do something like this. But it had happened, and she had caused it. Her heart stuttered in her chest, blossoming with a fresh pain. “Moonlove.” She rasped, attempting to pull her son into her arms, to hug him to her. “Your love is more than enough, I promise. It means everything to me. Bleedingkit is not a replacement for Smokekit. It’s not Bleedingkit’s fault that Smokekit is gone. It is no one’s fault that he is not with us today.” Except hers. Very likely, it was hers, for not having taught Smokekit beforehand about the dangers of herbs.
All of this was her fault. What was worse was the uncertainty of whether anyone would let her fix it or not. The uncertainty of whether she’d crumble under the pressure if this happened again.
“Mirepaw.” Gently setting Moonpaw down, leaving him to walk to Mirepaw, she crouched in front of the turquoise-eyed feline. “I do love you. And your siblings.” She smiled, expression softening further. “You don’t need to apologize. There’s nothing to be sorry for. Your father and I have our differences, but we both love you very much. That fact will always remain the same.”
And then there was Bleedingkit. Her steps slow and measured, the Medicine Cat approached the blonde bengal on carefully placed steps. How could her paws heal, and yet her words inflict so much hurt? “Bleedingkit?” She whispered faintly, crouching a little ways in front of the tom kit. She was not one to resent names, to scorn them – look at her own – but she wished… she really wished that if Bleedingkit were to dislike his, he’d come to her and tell her, so she could help him with whatever he wanted, whether it was to accept his name or to change it. “You are welcome here, I promise. You are welcome in this family, in this home.” She sat back on her haunches and pressed a paw to her chest. “You are already welcome in my heart, and have been here for quite a while now.” Her gaze was solemn, words measured. The last thing Lostspark wanted was for him to bolt. Tentatively, she opened her arms for him, if he wished for an embrace. “I love you, too, okay?”
Her gaze flitted around the den, landing one by one on the rest of her family. “For those of you who have not yet spoken, the same goes for you. I want to fix my relationship with each of you. If you feel like I should do better… then tell me, and I will do my best to make all this lost time up to you.”
It had started out fine. Rainpaw was glad to have been introduced to Bleedingkit, even offering a welcoming smile to the small feline. Rainpaw was happy to see her family gather around her. No complaints so far.
The first surprise was learning about Smokekit. As unfortunate as his death was, she hadn't been close to that sibling, so her grief was subtle, almost missed if one wasn't paying attention.
Then mama listed out the ailments of everyone and suddenly, Rainpaw didn't feel so alone. Rainpaw hadn't noticed the things she had. How could she miss it? Gosh, she was a terrible sibling. A soft sigh escaped her, but she sat silently and listened. Just as she always did.
Rainpaw always tended to be in the background of the family. Always watching, always listening, just lurking about. Present, but not a participant. Not yet, at least. No one really seemed to notice when she was around and when she wasn't. Even her first fainting experience in the clearing, only her mama, Quietpaw and Midnightpaw had noticed.
lub-dub. . lub-dub. . lub-dub. .
Things were getting heated.
Emotions were spilling.
Mama gave them an ultimatum and Rainpaw could feel a tightening in her chest. She could tell her heart rate was increasing. Still, she'd listen, pondering her decision. She'd listen as dad and mama started raising their voices.
Tears were being spilled.
Her siblings were bickering now.
lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub
It was chaos.
Rainpaw's eyes widened with shock. This wasn't supposed to happen. This couldn't be a normal family thing, right? Did everyone's family argue like this? She couldn't even get a word in before someone else was speaking. She couldn't even think her own thoughts before someone was raising their voice or running about. WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
Things were blurring now. She couldn't focus on who was saying what. Their voices were blurring together. Their faces and pelts were blurring into one grey picture. The tightening in her chest was almost overwhelming.
No, no, nonono! NO!
Rainpaw was ready to scream. Her own tears were dampening her cheeks. She stumbled backwards, away from the group, trying not to draw attention to herself. She couldn't even understand what mama's last words were. Something about telling her something?
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
She had to get away.
Her breaths were becoming ragged. She felt like everything was falling apart around her. Her family was broken. All those lovely thoughts she had of everyone, were broken.
Was she broken, too?
Was that why everyone ignored her?
Was that why she felt alone?
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP
Her heart was racing. She was feeling light on her paws as she continued to back away. She was stumbling recklessly towards the apprentices' den without a word. A straight line wasn't possible right now, but she didn't know the difference. She just bee-lined it to the dark blob that she knew was the den.
Breaths came out quick and heavy as she found herself behind the den. She was alone, praying -- for once -- that no one noticed her. Her back pressed against the wall of the den, finding stability where she could.
There was enough on their plates, they didn't need to worry.
They didn't need her opinions.
They didn't need her.
The blackness was taking over her vision again as her heart raced and raced. Everything was getting fuzzy. She felt like her limbs were tingling. Then it happened, again.
darkness.
All these negative thoughts swelled in her chest until she felt like she was going to explode. She really was broken, huh? A broken cat raised in a broken family. She supposed she'd ensure her moons from here-on-out were to better herself. She'd improve herself. She wouldn't feel alone. She wouldn't let this happen again.
Unable to calm down or hold herself anymore, Rainpaw's body crumpled to the ground with a thud. She'd lay there, behind the den, away from sight. Just like any other episode she had, she'd recover soon. She just needed time.
It was only out of curiosity that Lark had followed her so-called father into that den. That crowded, stuffy, awful den, alongside a horde of kits. Because of her age, as well as her maine coon blood, she looked down on them all, feeling... nothing, really. These were practically complete strangers. And yet they were allegedly her kin. Lark wrinkled her nose at the thought. Funny how she was invited to the family meeting, yet never really spoke to any of them before. How thoughtful that Lostspark, Darkfall, and their army of kits decided to grace Lark with their presence.
And then, the drama unfolded.
She watched it all silently, icy blue eyes unreadable. Lark couldn't even get a read on her own emotions; it was as if a boulder was blocking her view. Lostspark [ @Rose ] yelled and gave an ultimatum. Lark's ear flicked, but nothing else. Darkfall [ @Dark ] began to screech and cry. At the mention of her mother, Heron, Lark flinched and her heart wrenched. The first sign of emotion she'd had since... at least since her demotion. It was all made worse when a cat who dared bear her mother's name, Heronpaw, spoke up. Lark bit her tongue and tried to put an apathetic mask back on, but it fell apart. Her tail flicked side to side as she waited for an opening. She swallowed hard, choking back hot tears as she thought of her mother.
Right. Yes. Her mother. Heron and Fallen and Soot and Moon, these were the cats who mattered. This so-called family? Not so much. She especially resented Heronpaw, the so-called oldest of the heathenish horde, and Moonpaw, who dared steal her precious brother's name. Lark's lip curled at the thought. The only one she truly felt for was Bleedingkit [ @Rani ], both for being given such a cruel name and for relating to him. She watched fake Moon [ @Poprock ] yell and snarl at Bleedingkit and blame him, and Lark's fangs bared. Someone else stepped in and introduced herself as Mirepaw, but Lark wasn't about to let that slide. As Bleedingkit scurried away and fake Moon was chastised from all sides, Lark let her emotions get the better of her.
"Shut your Godsdamned mouth. At least you have a mother!" Her hiss was sharp, the next words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them. She should have stopped them. "All of you have a mother, one who maybe did a lot terrible things to you but clearly wants to make it up! So stop your yapping and complaining and whining! We all know your lives have been soooo hard, you poor Clanborn babies." She spat the word "Clanborn" like venom. "You're all what, six moons old? Maybe you should try acting your ages. Either say yes or no."
And so, with that, she turned to Lostspark. Her anger had faded to just an ember of the raging fire it was mere moments ago. The sudden change even surprised Lark herself. She was emotionless as she spoke. "You're not my mother." A blink. Then a small, "But good luck." Swallowing hard, Lark made her way to Bleedingkit, hoping to attract the kit's attention. "It's not your fault, y'know." the fluffy cat attempted to gently poke the bright splash of color that was the young kit's pelt. "Never was, and never will be. Don't let these spoiled kits tell you otherwise." It was odd, the sense of kinship she felt with this cat who was, for all intents and purposes, unrelated to her. Far more than she felt with Darkfall and Lostspark's kits, anyway. Though that bar was certainly low.
She awaited the backlash she would surely receive for hissing at the babies, her face still and unfeeling as carved stone. Lark wished she'd never been forced to come here. The "family meeting" or ShadowClan.
// everyone Lark(kit) interacted with was directly(ish) mentioned in the post, so here are the rest of the mentions - @iliri - Sootpaw / @stag - Heronpaw / @taillow - Mirepaw / @Mica - Birdpaw / @Eden - Wispypaw / @Morrigan - Quietpaw / @SuspiciousMindz - Rainpaw / @panchiko - Rainykit / @furrensic - Quillpaw / @Neptune. - Cinderpaw / @Estelle - Sleepypaw \\
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there's courage in being terrified, but still going forward.
Last edited by vellichor; April 14th, 2024 at 09:39 PM.
Reason: double whammy, 1 dark lie and 1 velli misunderstanding. the bleedingkit interaction lives again!
SOOTPAW
he/him | shadowclan apprentice | 7 moons
short-furred, black tabby tom with classic tabby stripes and amber-copper eyes; white front paws
active purrks: n/a [ @Dark @Rose @vellichor @Estelle @stag @taillow @Mica @Eden @Morrigan @Poprock @SuspiciousMindz @panchiko @furrensic @Neptune. @Rani (please know that his thoughts do not interfere with my own, lil guy is just angry) ] [ cw: this post contains mentions of minor self-depersonalization, abandonment, self-doubt, bottling up, and other triggering factors. please don’t read if it gets too much for you to bear. thank you.]
This… was unexpected. Sootpaw, of all cats, never expected to be dragged into a family meeting like this. Socialization was never his strongest virtue, as ever since he was just a young kit who was dragged to this clan alongside his trio of younger siblings and a strange tom-cat who proclaimed to be his father. Even if Heron’s overly boisterous claims of him being related to Darkfall were out and about, Sootpaw wasn’t even certain if he wanted to believe it. Ever since the day that they were taken back to ShadowClan, he still felt like he was trapped. Trapped didn’t even feel like the right word to describe how he felt inside this unnatural domain, given that he wasn’t even certain where his little brother and sister went. Fallen and Moon went up and disappeared at least a couple of moons ago, and he didn’t even know where they went. Did they go back to live with Heron? His nose scrunched at just the thought of the molly, feeling his claws instinctively scrape against the soil floors of the medicine den, trying to counter the idea of his own siblings going back to live with that molly. She abandoned them by giving them away to Darkfall; that was that.
It wasn’t hard for the naturally quiet tom to note the suspense gathered all around him. Everyone, including his very own father - the young tom-cat still found it hard to call him given that he wasn’t in his life throughout his entire kithood - looked tense. He may have had a good sense of sighting the problems laced amongst his siblings’ faces, but he didn’t withstand a good feeling about this meeting whatsoever. Should he even… be here? Sure, Heron 2.0 called him over here for this intellectual family meeting, but the tabby wasn’t even visually certain if he should even be with these cats. Did they see him as family? Did he see them as a family? Why was he asking himself these questions when he should’ve already known the answer? Sootpaw quietly gazed up towards the cloudy eyes of his presumably second mother - he wasn’t certain if he felt comfortable calling her that; did she ever see him as her own? It felt assumably odd to think like this, but he didn’t want to delve into it, only staring into her eyes as he awaited for her to start talking. Behind those amber orbs, he could sense her sensibility. Her guilt.
He wanted to search through these emotions, but his brief little game came to a close when the molly finally started speaking, his copper orbs narrowing as she stated that there was more than ‘one reason’ she called them all around. His curiosity was piqued, almost dancing as his eyes followed Heron 2.0’s frame onto the young kit that stood close beside the gray-and-white molly. In fair honesty, Sootpaw didn’t feel much interest in the yellow bengal, only giving him a blank stare and occasional blink as Heron 2.0 gradually introduced him as their new brother and her son; Bleedingkit. He almost found himself furrowing his brows in question towards the relatively crude name of choice, but his interior thoughts kept him from doing so. Sharp claws prickled around his heart, his black-tipped tail reproachfully whisking as he found himself growing minor displeasure at the molly’s choice of words. A quiet, distant voice in his head hissed that she was speaking towards her kits. Not him. He was just there to listen because his father was dragged here and he was related to him. Or, even if Darkfall was his father. The original Heron proclaimed it before, yet she was nothing but a liar. A liar who wanted to toss him and his siblings away all because they belonged in some clan.
Smokekit wasn’t much of someone that Sootpaw knew personally, other than the fact that he was his half-brother, alongside his other charade of siblings. In complete honesty, all his other siblings weren’t much different. It wasn’t like he wanted to go all out in meeting every single one of them. The only priority he took his focus towards was Larkkit, but she wasn’t all that interested in being around him. Not that she could specifically blame her, he preferred his own space of solitude. It wasn’t like he spent his time in the farthest corner of the nursery for nothing; he wanted his own space. It was too crowded and there were too many kits. His siblings were the biggest reason for the mass overcrowding. Perhaps if there weren’t a whole lot of kits in the nursery, he could’ve proclaimed it all for himself instead. Whiskers twitching, the dark tabby realized that he had momentarily forgotten about what the main topic of discussion was with Smokekit and regarding his death. He wasn’t the greatest regarding such scenarios, so he quietly just patted his white-furred paws against the cool stone floors beneath him, batting away his relentless swirling within his gut.
All of this talk was just giving him a sense of awkwardness, feeling as if claws sharpened themselves down his spine. Hearing the sound of the medicine cat’s voice breaking while she spoke of her son’s death made him stiffen up a bit. He wasn’t the type to give out any sort of comfort; he wasn’t a therapeutic kind of guy. Had he deserved to know the information of what had occurred to his younger sibling? If he even considered Smokekit as his younger brother, in all complete fairness. He barely knew the kit, but it didn’t mean that he didn’t wallow any sort of sympathy towards his death. It was just a completely tragic accident, and none of the medicine cats were there to stop the cause from occurring. Copper eyes danced from one cat to the other, solemnly eying the expressions along his family members’ faces. Each of them foreshadowed guilt, anger, suppression, and sorrow. All of it was there. There wasn’t anything that he could do to help them, in the matter, only making the young tom want to internally cringe away from all the information being dumped onto him. Heronpaw’s monotonic retort didn’t help him in the slightest, only twisting and twisting his gut until he felt like he wanted to revolt up all his inner consciousness.
The fact that she held the name of ‘Heron’ made him feel worse. The name was only a permanent scar that he wished never ceased to exist. All it did was just make him feel sick to his stomach. He almost felt discontent, displeased by thinking of the name. What had been her name before? He couldn’t remember, nor did he want to. His sibling chose the name and he couldn’t find himself wanting to accept that predicament. If he showed some sort of humility, he knew they wouldn’t care. Or that they wouldn’t believe him, or that they wouldn’t care. Sometimes, Sootpaw wished that he could turn his claws to his brain and force it to obey him; force it to listen to cats other than no one for once because he wanted to assume that these cats were good and they weren’t so bad after all. But how could he when all that cats did was lie and stab behind each other’s backs? Heronpaw stated it herself, much better than how he could’ve. Be briefly relocated his gaze towards the similarly dark-furred molly, intently watching her expression momentarily before watching Heron 2.0 again. A sharp inhale through his nose broke the trailing thoughts and he found himself listening to more of her rambling, his mind growing all spacey as if he were high atop a cliff. He wasn’t the type of cat to take in any sort of information that was… long-ranged. It made it all the more difficult to process.
But, even with the amount of complexity it was for him to dive down the older cat’s words. His brows furrowed intently, finding it hard to grow the proper words to even formulate in his throat. Hearing the tri-colored feline execute those words. Those three words: I love you. It made him feel sick. Not nauseous, but internally, he found himself doubting while bile collected at his throat. Heron said the same thing and she gave him away. She said that she loved him and his siblings and gave them away anyway. The words bubbled at the back of his throat, working his claws frustratingly against the Earth beneath his white-furred paws. Darkfall said it so himself that this molly would be their mother, and the fact that she was thrusting these words into his face made it belatedly obvious otherwise. The rest of her words felt like a hot rush of white noise; being terrifyingly enlightening as silence thrummed through his eardrums. If she truly loved them more than ‘the stars in the sky’ as she had proclaimed, she would’ve proved it by being around her children more. He had tried to speak with her. He had tried to spend time with her. Was that not enough in her eyes? Was stepping forth in the medicine den just to know what his supposed-to-be second mother was like not enough for her to handle?
Her next words burst that bubble. Fourteen cats. His vision washed out and contrasted colors, turning into distorted half-truths of reality. He knew full well that there were more than fourteen cats. Bleedingkit, or whatever he was called, included made it fifteen. There may have been more that he missed, but he found himself drowned by his own succumbing emotions to even handle the situation. It was strange, really. He was never the one to be one of emotion. He was always self-centered about what he thought and how he processed it, never usually letting it loose and naturally always complacent with a blank, monotone stare. Now, he found it hard to keep his composure. Words were desperate to tear out of his throat, his claws working against the torn soil beneath his paws, dirtying the white fur amongst his front paws. This all felt like a humorless joke being thrown at him, his dark-striped tail lashing behind him before he even attempted to settle it. Sootpaw took a deep breath, nothing more than disappointment being exhaled out of his nostrils. He couldn’t find himself even wanting to express his inner burdens. His siblings could, but there wasn’t any way that he would.
The slight tension subsided as the medicine cat tore her focus onto Darkfall, exposing him for the wrongdoings he’d done. The more Heron 2.0 spoke, the more Sootpaw felt like she was just spewing her selfishness towards him. She was spewing the problems that she experienced and not even bothering to pay attention to the fact that everyone else inside the den had their issues to counter. He didn’t know who this ‘Elmshadow’ was nor did he care, all that he did even bother to care about was that his relentless yelling was hurting his ears. Most of her ramblings didn’t bother to make much sense towards the young tom, but the only thing he countered was just painfully agonizing attempts at countering his sympathy. To add to it, she was trying to claim all of the other apprentices’ sympathy that sat within this very den and was failing at it. How pitiful how once in a lifetime a cat cannot reach a level of cognizance. Was this just a display of narcissism? This molly just shows herself to be nothing but self-centered while she valiantly exposes herself in front of the tom-cat who was practically his father her burden.
Now he finally catches onto this disgraceful molly’s name after stars how long: Lostspark. Honestly, with his memory so spaced, he would’ve figured out her name earlier if he had been properly told, but all that his given title for her had just been Heron 2.0. It wasn’t like he cared now, anyway. She was just spilling excuse after excuse and now, he was just getting tired of it. Everyone was tired of it. But, if her role as a medicine cat was just as important as she proclaims, why did she even bother to bear children in the first place? All children deserve loving parents, but not all parents deserve children, something he always held a stand-forth thought ever since Heron gave him and his siblings away to Darkfall. The rest of her words just made him feel more and more out of place. It felt like she was focusing her words towards her biological kits more than him. He was nothing more than Darkfall’s son who happened to be half-clan. He didn’t come from her, but from a rogue who happened to look hauntingly familiar to Lostspark. Maybe she did deserve such a horrible title of a name with how self-centered she was being. He was nothing to her. All that she did was speak so consistently of burden and blame that all it did was make his head pound unconditionally.
His burdening realization of Lostspark’s attention towards her litter made his heart feel as if it got torn out of his chest and buried deep within the ground like rotting corpses. His insecurities have been right. She held no opinion towards him and his siblings: his full siblings. Only her own kin. The time that she and him interacted so briefly was only a mere whisker away, and it already seemed like she had already bypassed it. She was proclaiming her love for her kits, but not him or his sister. Her litter. Not him. Only her real kits. The stoic shield that he had cast around himself for such an extended period of time that it felt like it was shattering; breaking. This molly was speaking of the kits that she had with Darkfall, not the kits that Darkfall had before then. Against all odds, a small, vital part of him screamed and writhed. It screamed of the agony that he was feeling deep inside that he wanted to be loved unconditionally by a parent. By a parent who truly cared for him. Heron once accomplished that, but she gave him away. Lostspark concentrated priority on her litter that she paid no thought to his existence. He was nothing and that is what he will always be. Nothing but a standing disappointment from Darkfall’s mistakes of having kits with a molly outside of ShadowClan.
It hurt. It stung. Anything that could describe the inedible. Why had he been called here again, if only for just everything to get rubbed in his face? Every part of his body wanted to leave; to run. He wanted to get out of this unnecessary meeting and go back into the crevices of his hiding place. His personnel. Where he can be alone and no one would need to shove hurtful words in his face just to give him more disclosure. He had no mother. His father wasn’t any better; being out of his life and not bothering to give proper acknowledgment towards his first litter, let alone his second from what he had been listening towards. Hearing Lostspark say that she wasn’t a monster unless they made her one just made him feel all the more sick. He forcefully exhaled the tremoring pain grasping at his lungs, his heart in a vice-like hold of the building anxiety that he kept sheltered from everyone around him, guarded by his breaking shield that he was desperately trying to keep together. His misguided ways of keeping himself at a point where he was about to shatter just made it hard for him to even consider the fact that these cats were his parents.
Internally, he winced from the shift in tone towards his father, the molly abruptly telling her that their children had grown ‘lax’ and ‘ungrateful’. At this point in this damned conversation, the tabby didn’t know if she was being honest anymore. All he felt was that he was being gaslighted into believing that he truly did have a mother who did love him. But, he knew deep down, that wasn’t true. Maybe he could believe that he had a father who wanted his children, but Sootpaw couldn’t find himself even thinking about Darkfall with his lack of acknowledgment towards his eldest son. He felt equally hurt by him just as he did by Lostspark, but only the latter was worse. His siblings weren’t even much different, he wasn’t around them much by the time they were growing, and yet, this molly was still tossing words around like she had all the power in the world. It took every fiber of his being to not grit his teeth against her words, his claws flexing for what had seemed to be the thousandth time today during this ridiculous family meeting. As much as he hated outwardly showing his true emotions, this molly was testing his limits. He wasn’t fairly certain of how Darkfall thought of all of this, but he would be certain that he’d grow to become infuriated with his own words as well.
Now, she was trauma-dumping on the lot of them. Honestly, Sootpaw once more didn’t know if this was her way of trying to guilt-trip them into seeing her misguided way of thinking. Or, just spitballing at them all of her traumas just to get them to realize that she isn’t as bad of a cat as they all have thought of her currently. Did she really think that they were going to believe her sob story? Sure, everyone has something that they have gone through, even him himself with the disownment of his own mother, but did she really need to go out and beyond just to tell her children and apparently himself that she went through the things that they hadn’t. Once more, Sootpaw was just fighting his inner urge to call her out on these blatant excuses. If anything, her trauma was nothing that needed to be stated for a family meeting such as this one. If anything, he only saw it as her way of trying to dive into their minds and make them think that they were the fools here, even thinking that they were self-centered and entitled like she was stating they were. From just this conversation alone, he supposed that he knew who was worse now. But, his thoughts were just only the beginning as the molly seamlessly lifted off the bunker and expressed another set of words that hit him directly in the core.
Choosing to have another mother to raise them or let her raise them. He didn’t know if that was being verbally directed towards him as he felt as if his half-siblings were the ones being targeted, but at this point, he didn’t care. Lostspark had already dove into his brain long enough that he felt that natural barrier of his quiet, stoic shield breaking with every harsh hit that was directed towards it. His heart aggressively thumped against his ribcage as the words that he wanted to say were lodged against his throat. But, he kept quiet. He knew that his siblings would have something to say, and he would rather listen than go out and start making sudden accusations. He knew that he wasn’t truly involved. Lostspark only called him here to push against his buttons and most likely, even Larkkit as well. His sister didn’t deserve this and neither did he, but he wouldn’t speak up about it unless it were truly necessary. This conversation was already breaking him psychologically and mentally as it is. He didn’t want to be here anymore, and he’d rather that it ended now more than later.
Darkfall’s sudden uprising caught his attention, the younger, similar-looking tom watching as his father finally held the backbone that he desperately needed on this occasion. Lostspark had already spat out enough nonsense to the point that Darkfall had decided to yield against it, and honestly, Sootpaw felt like it was deserved. He held very little respect towards his father, but at least he was doing so in defense of himself and to point out the self-centered narcissism that she unwillingly created. All that Darkfall stated wasn’t much for Sootpaw to take interest in, only just hearing just how much he loved this molly and temporarily had amnesia due to hitting his head in some particular way after trying to get Lostspark a gift. The one thing that did catch his attention was the fact that this molly bore a different name that sparked some familiarity in the young tom; Larkfire. Huh. Isn’t that the name that Darkfall said would take care of him and his siblings after he brought them to ShadowClan? Instinctively, his tail lashed against the life-rich soil, finding himself now mentally scoffing at this new information. Funny how the cat that was promised to be his new parent turns out to be this way. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree now, does it?
It wasn’t necessarily hard for Sootpaw to believe that Lostspark used to be a different cat. In general, it just didn’t seem very surprising. Who knows, maybe this molly could’ve been more kind-hearted, but it wasn’t like he knew that. He wasn’t here when he was born; he was living in the outskirts with Heron and his siblings and held no dear idea about his father being some random ShadowClan warrior. He was just a young, small child who hadn’t held the slightest clue and had a particularly better life than he was here. But, that was in the past, and this was now. Sootpaw changed his focus back toward the topic, listening to the rampant yelling that was going on between the two felines. His brief respect for the tom held itself at a thread as Darkfall called out how low the medic had fallen into allowing some random cat to tell them who she was. It was cold and the truth, but Sootpaw found himself giving the tom some brief respect for it. Even with the brief respect he bore, his lips remained curled into a permanent frown to shelter the inner emotions that were tormenting him. Lostspark’s long speech had broken his barrier, and now he was trying his hardest to keep it sheltered before it shook anymore from anything of the sort.
His respect faltered as soon as he noted the tears staining his father’s cheeks, his brows quaking forward as he continued to listen to his endless venting. The one thing that he seemed to catch onto was the fact that Heron wasn’t mentioned in the slightest. Did Darkfall ever love her? Had he ever caught feelings for her at all? The only thing he was hearing was the fact that he loved her to the point where he was acting like a helpless romantic. He didn't know what that was like, given that he never held any sort of emotional connection towards anyone like that. Then again, it wasn’t like he held any sort of interest in it. All it did was sound like it caused drama and unnecessary problems. But, other than that, it sounded like Lostspark only willingly pushed her family aside just so she could tend to her duties as a medicine cat, or whatever the rank was called. Sootpaw didn’t know a lot about how the clan ethics worked, nor did he want to, but he suspected since he was going to be practically living here, it would do him some good to gain some knowledge. This wasn’t a whole lot of specific knowledge for him to yearn for, given that it was just relationship problems and spews, but he guessed he could make it work somehow.
He had to resist the temptation to whisk his tail in annoyance the moment his father began bringing up dead relatives. Was this how it was going to be for the rest of this family meeting? Just consistent guilt-tripping and naming out dead relatives? It seemed a little rash for him to start thinking like this, but he couldn’t help but feel annoyed with the consistency of bringing up dead cats. Then again, thankfully his father didn’t stay on the trope of dead relatives for too long but his mention of the fact that apparently their kits were ‘self-centered’ and ‘selfish’ at times made him give the older tom a sideways glance. Sootpaw may have said something about it if he wished, but he hadn’t wished to interrupt his father with his overly-needed conversation with Lostspark. The black tabby found himself internally wincing at his father’s words as he stated that he had been telling the kits how much she loved them, knowing full well that it was intended for their biological children, not him. Why would he matter, anyway? It wasn’t like Darkfall was much in his or his sibling’s lives anyway. Sure, he may have cheered him on for his naming ceremony, but that was because it was a naming ceremony and he didn’t even want to be a part of it. It had been too loud and obnoxious to hear other warriors cheering all because he held the surname of a ‘paw.
All the little respect that he had countered for his father quickly shattered the moment he called him and Larkkit ‘Heron’s kits’. Hell no. He hated the title of being one of her kits. The way Darkfall used it was almost like it had some sort of sentimental meaning to it, but all it did was just make him lose the pitiful respect that he had bound for his father. With a violent lash of his tail, the similar-looking dark tabby tom finally spoke. “Don’t call me or my sister Heron’s kits,” Sootpaw spat, finally breaking his motive as his glassy amber orbs burned into Darkfall’s blue, ignoring the rest of what his father has stated as he continued, momentarily focusing on his father before bothering to note on what any of his siblings thought of what Lostspark or he said. “You know as well as I that the moment she gave us away to be raised by the likes of you, my siblings and I didn’t see her as our mother as she practically abandoned us for her own greater good. Don’t list us as Heron’s kits.” His statement now hung in the air like thickened fog, and his hard stare remained on his father for only a short moment before looking away, finally focusing back on his siblings. He didn’t regret much of his little spew, knowing that his father made a relatively pitiful apology afterward towards all of the kits within the medicine den. He didn’t bother to comment on it much, only giving a brief ear flick to know that he heard his apology and gave no prior focus on kt.
Heronpaw’s words towards Darkfall and Lostspark weren’t much different than he was mentally expecting. Her bluntness towards the duo was reasonable, at least from his standpoint. Both of them had been out of their lives since day one. There wasn’t a whole lot for him to dive into given that she said plenty. Even with their similarized share of attributes, it still didn't help with the fact that the molly took after the name of the one who abandoned him and his sibling. He hadn't held in resentment towards the molly, but he hadn't felt the urge to come near her once given the day she wanted to change her name to ‘Heronpaw’. Just the sheer fact alone that she changed her name to something that he held no standards in wanting to hear again made him uncomfortable. The dark-furred tom tried to see past the thought, noting the quiet turmoil of emotions rummaging through his half-sister. Even with his natural stoic, unreadable, aloof barrier keeping his emotions in check, he knew deep down it was breaking. This damned family meeting was breaking it. He hadn't been the one for snapping or being expressive, but this meeting was poking and prodding at his very core. The meeting felt like it had itself claws deep into his fur, reaching the skin and breaking it until it couldn't be compatible. That was how his hidden emotions felt; they were trembling, screaming, begging to be released. A horrible, tightening sensation in his chest of every nook and cranny of emotions that he kept shielded away.
The next cat he noted to make any sort of movement was Birdpaw, a relatively chatty apprentice that grew quick to attach to his nerves. Frankly, the moment that she greeted her mother, he half-expected her to start chattering up a conversation like there was no tomorrow. But, brief relief had gone awash over him, and the normal chatter mouth was finally silent for once. His brows furrowed forward as he silently observed his half-sister’s antics. Honestly, he couldn’t figure out what was completely going on with her, but it wasn’t hard for him to easily see the distress that was occurring in her mind. All of his siblings were in distress, even if he didn’t even have to logically state it out loud to prove his point. All the dark-furred tom did was silently observe like a hawk eying its prey, seeing the younger molly’s chipper barrier crush and crumble as she began to sob and cry. What was she, the youngest? Sootpaw found his brief curiosity get the best of him, but it faltered albeit immediately as his other sibling, Quietpaw began to speak. Sootpaw almost wanted to scoff at the fact that they both were named after their attributes of either being unreasonably chatty or quiet, but he kept his personalized opinions to himself as his ears erected to listen to what his other sister had to say.
Dare he say it, but he’d gradually assume that Lostspark’s words for their ‘kits growing lax and ungrateful’ were more pointed towards their own. With how unorthodoxly sarcastic Quietpaw was being towards both her parents and siblings, Sootpaw couldn’t find himself wanting to stay in there for much longer given how incredibly tight the space felt in there. It was overcrowded, and with too many voices abrupting at once, he’d almost be certain that his eardrums would rupture if one had decided to become loud at some random point in time. Either way, his focus on Quietpaw’s observations and outspoken opinions made his lips curl into a sharp frown as if it already wasn’t in the first place. In all honesty, the tom didn’t put much thought into his sibling’s opinions, only just listening to her sarcastic comments as she wished for the meeting to be over. Honestly, that was one of the things he could agree with. This was going on for much longer than he wanted, and he felt almost claustrophobic by all of his siblings cramped up against his sides. He may not have long fur, but he already found himself growing heated by the growing emotions swirling around deep within his chest, screaming to explode. He hated it, just as much as he hated this meeting.
Cinderpaw was no different from Birdpaw, being relatively silent as she listened to what both of her parents had to say. Just like the other molly, this one began to cry as well. Sootpaw found himself growing even more awkward by the younger generation crying because of their mother's proclamations. His claws flexed habitually, and the action seemingly committed by the young tom seemed to have occurred for merely the thousandth time whilst he was in that den. If he looked down at his dirt-stained paws, he’d probably see the ground gouged by his claws breaking through earth’s life-rich soil. He hadn’t wanted to stay far to inflict his thoughts while he found himself growing immensely distressed Cinderpaw beside himself while she crumpled to the floor breaking down. There wasn’t like there was much he could do, only just hearing his sibling consistently sob while she begged for Lostspark to change her mind. Was that what all of his siblings were going to do? Just consistently beg and beg until they hear Lostspark’s awaited answer? It sounded like something he was going to grow tired of relatively quickly.
He forced himself to suppress the painful bile in his throat as he expelled a heavy breath. His focus on the dark-furred molly dwindled as he turned his attention towards Sleepypaw, whom he’d never come around to interact with during his time within ShadowClan. He knew fully well that the molly held zero relation towards him, even if she looked similar to most of the dark-furred felines within this hell of a den. His presence within the den made him feel sickened and jumbled when he was supposed to be older than the band of children within this den, yet he couldn’t find himself to be. But hearing Sleepypaw finally speak towards that shell of a molly awoke something deep within his core. He didn’t know what exactly it was, but it felt odd, to say the least. The way Slleepypaw spoke to Lostspark was painfully reminiscent of when his siblings had spoken to Heron before they left to follow Darkfall. He didn’t know how to contemplate this emotion, but all it did was just keep growing. It kept growing and twisting and churning to the point where it felt like it physically hurt. He felt stiff and conservative the more the dark-furred molly spoke, feeling inwardly tortured by how ripped with envy his consciousness to listen to her speak.
It was fueling him with a feeling he couldn’t muster or portray, teeming with words that cowardly clogged his throat. The cave walls felt as if they closed in around him, the room feeling dark and hot by all the company and utmost rage peeling off his familial members. Sorrow and hurt reflected off the molly as she continued to speak towards Lostspark, Sootpaw finding himself owlishly watching as her words poured into his interior consciousness. He didn’t know if it was for the fact that he found himself feeling something for this molly with whom he bore little relation, or it was for the fact that they both shared similar stories that held no happy endings. They both were half-clan, or at least, in Sleepypaw’s case, she wasn’t, but he still found their situations similar in ways more than one. Lostspark wasn’t clan-born, and Sleepypaw seemed disgruntled by the fact that she bore no clan blood. As much as he wanted to say something, anything to assist, the words died pitifully, the guilt riddling along his shoulders. So much for being the diabolical oldest without Fallen’s existence. He wasn’t the most social, nor was he perfect. He wasn’t the cat that was meant to lead, or even make out any decisions.
Then Sleepypaw ran. She ran out of the constraints of the den and didn’t bother to look back. If he was in her paws, he probably would have done the same thing, but his face held a contortion of apathy, staring blindly towards her leaving frame as his chest screamed and screamed. Each breath he took felt labored, his lips barely pursed to a thin grimace as he finally tore his eyes away from her leaving to focus on the screaming form of Moonpaw - he audibly winced at the name - as he threw a tantrum. His internal conflicts with Sleepypaw quickly switched from conflict to indignation from the sheer obscurity of Moonpaw’s fit. His voice boomed in his ears, his eardrums ringing after his immature outburst as Sootpaw found his exterior expression twisting into an angered frown. All the adorned sympathy that he developed for Sleepypaw from her conversation with Lostspark dwindled into nothing but a fading spark within his chest. But, even with the uttermost anger that guttered his chest, he couldn’t help but note the betrayal that was plainly evident in Moonpaw’s stance. His screaming toward Bleedingkit was unnecessary, making him briefly glance towards the young kit with solemness. The kit couldn’t understand what was happening, and yet, he could feel for him.
He didn’t deserve this. He was just a young kid. The kid was practically shoved into this scenario without much explanation given to him other than the fact that his mother was now Lostspark. A sharp huff expelled through his nose as he tore his gaze away from Bleedingkit back towards Moonpaw, watching him scurry beneath Darkfall’s paws. Sootpaw’s stomach clenched, his copper eyes narrowing as he watched him cower away within their father’s paws. How can he? Darkfall wasn’t strong; he was weak. He showed that by allowing the tears to stream down his face. Crying was weak and only was just exposing yourself. His thoughts disbanded as soon as Quillpaw spoke, catching his eyes as he seemed to share a similar mindset as Heronpaw had when speaking up towards Lostspark, just not carrying the same blunt brutally that she shared. His words hit just as equally as hers had, and yet, they were right. It was both Darkfalls and Lostsparks’ fault that they hadn’t reached out for their children. They weren’t around, and if they were, it could’ve made much of a difference. He gave a small, nimble nod towards his brother, not considering it. He didn’t know him much, and it was better to keep it that way for now.
Mirepaw’s abrupt interruption quickly caught his attention as the naturally stoic tom caught the blue-eyed molly standing up towards Moonpaw’s outburst, making his brows furrow as he watched her curiously. She seemed flawed; as most cats do. She seemed confident, but it alternatively faltered as it died as quickly as it came. He noted her inner insecurities, making her attempt at being spiteful rather pathetic. As much as Sootpaw wanted to see her as someone with strengths, he saw her as someone with main weaknesses who shared the same synopsizes as her other siblings. As he expected, she began crying, tears staining her cheeks as she wept for everyone to understand that they should love their parents. He stared nonchalantly at her, his facial expression paled with an apathetic expression as she began to surrender towards the back of the group, in a cowardly way of defeat. Her apologies did nothing, only just further fueling her weakened nature towards her actions. He stared towards Bleedingkit once more as he began crying, fueling the broken justice that occurred within this damned den. This so-called ultimatum did nothing. It showed the true emotions behind everyone in this den, but it just made him grow more and more broken with his interior shield.
Bleedingkit’s sobbing didn’t help, only joining in with the other utmost sobbing of the other children. He cried because he was being blamed, and yet, Sootpaw couldn’t bother giving him any sort of negative feeling because of that. He was young, and he held a right to sob after being blatantly yelled at by Moonpaw, and having to witness the hatred shredded upon him by his older siblings whom he was supposed to look up to. It was sad, and yet, Sootpaw couldn’t even muster anything about it. At least, not yet. The words died pitifully, and every time he wanted to say something, they only seemed like the words would die whenever he thought of them. Finally, Lostspark was next, and she finally began to speak back to Darkfall. He didn’t understand a clue of what they were discussing, but apparently, Darkfall had been bleeding at some point and she was withstanding a pregnancy. He didn’t bother taking much of the information, only watching as she finally took in everyone’s words and seemed to break. The spark of the fire that enlightened her eyes seemingly left as she deflated and fell through with defeat. Her whisper was barely utter, but he caught it, and his brows raised. It was that simple? She was going to give up? That easily? Nothing to give out in response?
The silence seemed to drag on until Lostspark finally began to speak again, focusing on Darkfall as she spilled out a pathetic excuse of an apology. She apologized to him for ruining their relationship, for ruining how they used to ebb and flow together as a beautiful, woven web. For ruining the relationship that they had once had with each other which was now broken and in dire need of being repaired. Her apology fell flat to him, so hearing her state that she was sorry for everything she did for ruining their relationship and making it impossible for them to be around their children. His young mind couldn’t fathom most of what was being stated towards him, but stars, all he heard was just consistent words being thrown at him time and time again that he just found himself growing tired of it. She consistently spoke, and yet, all he heard was just words after words being thrown at him. It almost felt insulting. Insulting may have not been the right word to describe how it felt, but it was how it felt. The way she just threw around the words as if expecting him to take them in and believe a singular word she uttered. As if that would be likely in a clan full of clan-born misfits. He didn’t believe she loved him or Lark; all it sounded like was just consistent lies pouring off her tongue. Before anything occurred, the molly left, and returned shortly after awhile, leaving to get Sleepypaw… wherever she went, honestly.
After she came back, Sootpaw found himself itching in his spot to leave. Maybe he should’ve left when Sleepypaw left as well. Maybe if he had left, no one would have bothered to go after him and he could just go back to hiding away from the clan and keep himself isolated. All she kept rambling about was how they meant the world to them, how she saw them as her biological children, and how she adored them. All she kept mentioning was herself and how she felt, and how none of them felt. So much for wanting to hear what they wanted to say. Hearing her speak continuously filled his heart with more unbridled rage, the naturally stoic tom watching as the molly talked from Heronpaw to Birdpaw to Quietpaw to… him. The moment she rested her eyes on him, his anger spiked. The words wanted to crawl, and his brows quaked forward with rage as he listened to her wanting to hear their own opinions. He didn’t want to speak, but he noted Rainpaw… fainted. Had her speech been too much for her to handle that she couldn’t take it? Honestly, Sootpaw wished he could so that he didn’t have to listen to her blabber lies and continuously fret, but, shockingly, the only one he thought wouldn’t speak was nothing more than his little sister, Lark. The rage filling her tone was understandable, and Sootpaw agreed with what she stated. She deserved the spotlight, and now, she was using her sharp tongue against everyone within this den.
Suddenly, it was silent. No one was saying anything. The silence dragged on, it felt like a painful, tense, and terrible eternity. Did he want to speak? No. And yet, words coward in his throat. Words jumbled and senseless. He could feel their eyes burning in his skin, and his fur felt like it was being tugged consistently. The silence felt deafening, and his quiet embarrassment found itself growing, the shield that he had covered over himself snapping entirely. He was done. He had to speak. The words that were being held cowardly in his throat were begging to be released; begging to be said. Lostspark and everyone else had said plenty, now it was his turn. Turning his copper gaze towards Lostspark, they hardened by instinct as he rose, tail lashing as he tilted his head to look up towards her. “All I hear is constant excuse after excuse.” He bluntly stated, his ears pressing against his head. “You may have stated that you love and cherish your children, but judging from their reaction, and their point of view towards how you explicitly described them as lax and ungrateful, I see otherwise. If you had truly cared, then you would have stepped outside of this den and given time to your children; the children you bore to this world. Both you and Darkfall are undoubtedly, horrible parents. You both hadn’t bothered to be in our lives, and you chose to have your children out of stupidity. Not all parents deserve children, but all children deserve loving parents, and you both surely don’t fit that title very well even if you are even bothering to try. I also find it incredibly amusing how you forget that I was the second eldest after Fallenkit, instinctively making your biological daughter the eldest, but I digress.”
He stared hard at his father, having things to state towards him as well. “Don’t think I’m leaving your ass out of this, you’ve done things that I don’t think should be left unheard. When you were speaking all high and mighty about Lostspark, I didn’t hear you mention even a lick of Heron. What was your relationship like with her? Did you bother to care about her? Did you bother to even acknowledge the fact that you bore kits with a cat outside of your own clan and didn’t even realize that I, my brother, and sisters even existed until Heron decided to show up and show you us to prove that you were a father to four? It’s funny, really, how you spill everything that you care about for Lostspark, and you don’t even mention Heron in the damn slightest. Was it just a fling that you bore; something to harvest that empty shell you have inside yourself because Lostspark loved someone else? I bet she’s thinking about you right now and you don’t even bother to think about it. You only will because I decided to mention her now.”
His words remained in the air like thickened fog, his amber gaze finally locking back to Lostspark as he took a step towards her, his dark-striped tail lashing angrily as he stared up at her. “Do you think any of us wanted to hear your guilt trip about your outsider life? To hear you lash out and say how your life outside of the clan was undoubtedly harsh? Maybe some of us did, but you know what, maybe we didn’t want to hear it at all. I came from an outsider life, and now I am stuck here with a bunch of star worshippers. The only reason I stayed was because Darkfall said that you would be me and my siblings’ new mother. I never believed him, and yet, that was proven to be correct. You are like fire, Lostspark. Darkfall was drawn to you like a bug because you were lovely to his eyes, and yet, it was just a perpetual moment. You let that fire go on til it burned our lifetimes out. I want to see you as a mother, but the thing is, all of your flaws, your excuses, that got you nowhere except stuck here inside a den with the blood of your dead child on both of your paws and Darkfalls. You could’ve been a completely different cat before, but I don’t see it. All I see is a liar and someone who is emotionally weak when something wrecks that barrier of yours down. The moment they began trashing against you all because you stated everything that you’ve said, you faltered. Don’t think I didn’t see it.”
“If you really want to be my mother, then you have to prove it to me then just by spitballing excuses after excuses. Heron already failed me and my siblings, and you are almost on the same path as her, Lostspark. I won't hesitate to no longer think of you as a parent.” At her name, he glared hard into her eyes as he finally sat back down, feeling his chest hollow and empty after finally exploding his frustrations towards both of the felines. He may have backlash, but he didn’t care. All he cared about, was that it was finally out and loose in the world to hear.
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Springlight is one of ThunderClan’s current medicine cats.
She has a semi-closed den policy.
Feel free to DM or VM me if you have any questions or concerns!
Please know that my character's personal thoughts and opinions do not reflect my own.
I am simply playing as their character.
My writing often depends on my motivation and therefore due to having autism, I struggle with maintaining focus for writing.
I hope that's understandable.
Shadow Fiend: Inactive | Beefed Up (T3) | Ultimate Predator: Inactive | Hulk SMASH! [Inactive] CW: Mentions of extreme depression, self-doubt, self-depreciation, self-loathing, intense feelings of regret, lots and lots of stress, bottling up, extreme dissociation
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Darkfall knew he messed up when the only words that initially came out of his former mate’s mouth was a defeated, ever so faint “Okay.”
When she approached him, raising a paw, Darkfall instinctively flinched away. Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to leave, that danger was approaching. He found himself shutting his eyes tightly while awaiting a blow that never came. Eyes cracking open, he noticed that she was… wiping his tears away…? And apologizing…? They were face to face now, her paws were resting on his cheeks and he found clouded amber eyes meeting his bright blue ones. There was a time when all he wished was to stare into the gorgeous hues until time itself stopped, but now he was only reminded of everything that once was and everything that would never be. The sparkling fire that he had seen in her eyes all those moons ago whenever the two met was gone. Put out, with dirt kicked into its embers. All that was left was cinders of a love that had once burned bright, but would never find a chance to combust again.
It was all over.
Part of him should’ve expected it. It had been painfully obvious after he returned to the camp after the moon of searching for his lost apprentice that things wouldn’t be the same. How could they? He had left her, betrayed her trust in him by leaving without so much as a parted word. When he initially came back they didn’t speak, nor did he try to speak to her to immediately clear things up. For moons what little feelings Larkfire had for him were slowly but very surely being replaced by another emotion that made whatever they had before mute. She simply didn’t love him anymore.
For moons, he tried to make things right. He focused on himself, pushing himself to earn a place amongst the enforcers. He trained until he collapsed so that maybe she would notice that he still yearned to be good enough for her. He hoped that if he made more of an effort to close the distance between the two of them they would be able to rekindle the flames of what had once been. That’s why even after she had her kits he persisted. That’s why even after their disagreements or avoiding each other, he attempted to pull her back. That’s why when he asked her to be his mate, he had gone through the painstaking process of finding the perfect spot for the perfect night.
But it didn’t matter.
Darkfall had done too little, too late.
Larkfire was speaking to him now, talking about how she was sorry.
She was just saying that.
Apologizing for ruining them, for their time not being long enough.
It was his fault.
She claimed she didn’t regret him or their shared kits.
A lie.
About how she loved him.
Another disgusting, wretched lie.
She claimed that it wasn’t because of her old lover, or because he wasn’t enough. That even if it wasn’t her, he was enough for someone and would have to find them.
What did it matter if it wasn’t her?
The healer claimed that she was willing to co-parent their hoard of kits with him, calling herself a disaster.
’You’re perfect the way you are.’ He wanted to say ’This is all my fault.’
But no words came out. He couldn’t speak. Darkfall was no more than a shadow of his former self, a shell of a cat filled with self-loathing and hatred. Everything had been for Larkfire. Since the beginning, even when they were apprentices. His hopes and dreams were to impress her, to show her that they were on the same level – to attempt to prove that he was somehow better. He wasn’t. Fighting his heart out in every battle, sure was to avenge their fallen clanmates, but it was also to keep her safe. All he did was hurt her. Distancing himself from her in an attempt to keep her from falling victim to his curse to watch all of his loved ones suffer. She suffered the most.
At the end of the day, Darkfall was a very thoughtless cat. He spent the last 18 moons doing everything he could to win the heart of a single cat, and when he had it, he dropped it. He shattered it into a million pieces before setting it ablaze. The tom scattered the ashes into the wind and turned his back on them. Everything he fought so hard to keep and protect, he ended up destroying. He was an idiot, a fool even for thinking he even had a chance at happiness. The one cat he loved just as much as he did his mother and sister, he tore apart piece by piece and sent spiraling into a hole of brokenness.
He did this. It was his fault.
He found himself being filled with a sense of regret, and a sense of disgust as he realized that this was all because of him. If he wouldn’t have shamelessly flirted with that pretty grey and white apprentice whose amber eyes shined like a miniature sun during that starlit gathering, all of these things wouldn’t have happened. Larkfire would’ve never fallen in love with him, he would’ve never betrayed her, she would’ve never felt the need to seek love elsewhere and almost die, and she would’ve never had their thirteen kits. She would’ve never been broken. Not like this.
The large tom loved his kits. All of them. Even Sleepypaw and now Bleedingkit he felt nothing but love for. But what if he hadn’t stepped in to warn that WindClan apprentice all of those moons ago? Would Larkfire be happy right now? Would she have found a proper mate? One who would love her and build her up, instead of being hopeless and dragging her down? Would she have gone on to become the deputy, serving under Dawnstar instead of a medicine cat who didn’t have any time for her loved ones? Would things have been better for her if the two of them never talked that cold Leaf-Fall evening?
He didn’t know. The thought of it shattered his heart into a million more pieces, snuffing out what little light and hope he had. He was terrible. He was a wretched cat who did nothing but ruin the lives of everyone else around him. He was a stupid failure who not only couldn’t do anything right but also dragged everyone else down with him. Larkfire had been right, he was a horrible mate. He should’ve never left her. He should’ve never gotten hurt. Maybe, he just shouldn’t have met her. Would things have been alright then? Would the 19 kits that had come to be known as his have been surrounded by a more open Larkfire and a better father? Would their lives have been filled with love and happiness instead of the squabbling of two broken parents who couldn’t even love themselves?
He didn’t know. He would never know.
’I hate myself.’ He thought, nodding his head absentmindedly as Larkfire turned to him, seemingly to get confirmation for something she had just said. ’I hate Darkfall.’ His conscious spoke once more, as things began to slow. He was aware of the fact that things were happening around him, however, he was unable to focus on any individual thing. It was as if both nothing and everything was happening at the same time. As if he were both here and not here. Was his heart beating? Was he breathing? Had he eaten today? Even simple questions like this were unable to be answered in that moment. He simply didn’t know. He knew nothing. Every bit of feeling, physical or otherwise had left his body completely.
He was just… empty.
He did, however, catch that Sootpaw was talking to him. Slowly turning, he fixed his bright blue stare onto the eldest of his sons. He was asking about his relationship with Heron, something he didn’t give much thought to. Of course, he appreciated Heron and maybe if Larkfire hadn’t been in the equation, or if he didn’t have his duties to the clan, maybe he’d have stayed with her and raised their kits properly. But that wasn’t the case, in this timeline, that’d never have happened. Perhaps in another life the two of them could’ve been together, but it just wasn’t in the stars for them. It was something he thought about a lot initially, Heron made him happy, but at the end of the day, she had been little more than a fill-in for Larkfire. He had never truly loved her, and it had been something he felt immensely guilty for, given her feelings for him.
”Soot… paw…” He said slowly, the words feeling foreign on his tongue as if someone else were saying them. ”Your mother… Heron…” he paused as if trying to find the words. Stars above, his head felt fuzzy, and it took all of his power just to focus on what he was saying. ”She was nice, wonderful even, but things between the two of us wouldn’t have worked out. I didn’t love her in that way, I don’t think, but I appreciate her nonetheless. I didn’t bring her up because I thought you all were angry with her. Moon… didn’t like talking about her, and neither did Fallenkit. I’m sorry, Sootpaw. I didn’t think about your feelings in all of this.”
That was right, another example of his selfishness and lack of consideration. It was yet another thing that Darkfall had done wrong. Why was Darkfall like this? Why couldn’t Darkfall do anything right? In the depths of his mind, the ego – the idea of “Darkfall” was being pushed further and further into a dark corner. It was as if vines were stretching out and pulling a kicking and screaming version of himself into a deep pit to never see the light of day again.
And then there was nothing.
No pain.
No sadness.
No anxiety or doubt.
No sense of self-loathing.
Nothing.
Everything that made Darkfall Darkfall was no more. It was as if it ceased to exist entirely. The weak version of the enforcer, the one who had done everything he could for the sake of pleasing others was gone. It was then that The Spectre made his appearance and the slow, methodical chant of a mantra long since forgotten began drumming in the back of his mind louder and louder until it filled the large tom's head and blocked out all the other noise.
"I am a ShadowClan warrior, and I will not be weak
With The Spectre taking his place, a new dawn was beginning and a sweeping chill filled his bones where the warmth of life once burned brightly. Lostspark had been right. Larkfire was dead, and so too was Darkfall.
[ @rose- LarkLost/ @vellichor - Larkkit / @iliri - Sootpaw / @Estelle - Sleepypaw / @stag - Heronpaw / @taillow - Mirepaw / @Mica - Birdpaw / @Eden - Wispypaw / @Morrigan - Quietpaw / @Poprock - Moonpaw / @SuspiciousMindz - Rainpaw / @panchiko - Rainykit / @furrensic - Quillpaw / @Neptune. - Cinderpaw / @Rani - Bleedingkit Sorry I took so long on this. I was going to add in a proper reaction to what Sootpaw said, but I wasn’t sure how to fit it in so there's a very small portion added into what I already had]
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Little Disclaimer: I live in EST (UTC-5) and my sleep schedule is completely messed up, so posts may be erratic My Characters
[ If this is rough and messy im sorry, like genuinely. ]
When does ripple become a tidal wave?
—
When does a child become a monster?
No words escape Heronpaw’s anger filled lips. Her mouth, now a sealed gate. She watched in terror. as Sunny, no- as Mirepaw crumbled to a smaller form. Yet…nothing in Heronpaw’s body makes her move. No urge to scream in horror. No outcry as she watched. No wish to move closer. Nothing beyond the grip of her own suffering and a single tear that falls down her face. The anger she once held now fizzles away. Her claws no longer worry of being used as they retreat away into their home in her paw, hidden from view.
Heronpaw can only turn away. A coward. No energy left in her to cry further than the tear that drained into the earth below. She is no longer The Heir. She is alone in her own mind.
Only to be lashed out further by her parents. A pawn in their yelling match. Always dragged into affairs that did not involve her. Heronpaw has seen this before, she does not like the ending. She hates the ending. Yet it replays, it replays like a memory. Like the only memory, but it is not her’s.
She had been turned into a monster. Similar to a candle to a blaze.
Signs. Heronpaw had given signs right? Her own desperate nature. She desperately wants to love her mother. She had given signs! She had given so many signs! They had failed and that was clear. She had been trying. This was her trying!
Yes, her words had been aimed to kill. They had shot to kill any point her mother had. But…had she really meant it? Heron can feel the burning sensation begin to char the back of her throat as she tries to put out the fire, she can’t. She can’t stop it now.
Quietpaw speaks, her younger sister’s words hurt. Heronpaw swears that she hears a glitch in them but discards the thought. They had left scars that no star cat would fix. No amount of herbs would aid. Nothing would repair the now rising gate that boarded her in. Heronpaw can only stare, a look of pain not visible on the outside but on the inside.
“or just find a hobby, darling.” Heronpaw feels the words leave claw marks. Golden, bleeding, invisible claw marks on her face, on her body. How dare she say that when Heronpaw didn’t even know anything about her. The words that come out are aimed straight at her younger sister.
“Who even are you? I don’t know you! I don’t go making claims about you, do i?” The older kit’s voice does not raise the level, surprisingly. But her voice is shattered, strained to expose the sorrow stained venom within. “I don’t even talk to you! Stars, you barely even existed before our ceremony! So you have no right to say that about me!” Heronpaw is ready to be screamed back at. Hell, maybe it would show her other emotions.
The gray cat wants to scream. She wants to scream so loudly that she regains her left ear's ability to hear. She wants her mother, her siblings, her father to know she feels something other than constant anger. But they would never know her beyond this.
Why? Because she was done trying to escape it. She was done trying not to be seen as the angry one, all the time.
They clearly couldn’t see and Heronpaw couldn't care any longer. She would be the angry one. The blunt one with no filter. Finally her mother spoke to her after she left the den, just like so many times in Heronpaw’s life. The kit wanted to scream “Don’t call me Sundew. Don’t call me daughter”, did she not see the fool she made of her? Instead, the kitten’s voice is tired, cracking, she is on the verge of breaking down.
“You want to know why I feel like this, huh?! You! I feel this way because you left us, you made it seem like you hated us for simply being born. You gave us to another queen, you made zero point of contact beyond injuries. Then you sit here and cry to us. To me. That we didn’t reach out enough, that it’s our fault! When it’s your job as our mother to show love, to talk to your kids, to even look in our direction! You did none of that, or if you did you never made it apparent. Then when you can't take the heat from your children? You know what you do when you can’t even face your family's feelings? You run, you hide like a scared kitten! Who wants to see that, who wants to be around that?!”
Heronpaw gasps for air, trembling as she moves to stand face to face. “You paint my anger before as unjustified, as if you didn’t know why I hated you so goddamn much! Now you know! Now you know why I grew up to be this monster that you dared paint me as before even listening.” Hell, she was even cursing now. But Heronpaw doesn’t care about how she comes off. Or how her body is shaking violently as her own words are a muffled mess in her own head. She doesn’t care anymore about this relationship.
“You have the children you apparently “love so much” LITERALLY CRYING at your paws because of what you said about them! THEY ARE BEGGING TO BE FORGIVEN,” She screamed the final words, a rage filled scream. Tears streamed down her face.
“You have my older sister, a cat I don't know anything about, sobbing because of your inability to even a blind bat an eye at her. So why am I so angry, huh?? You wanna know why?!Because everyone else is too scared to be!” Heronpaw feels the fire inside burning the mental walls, choking herself on the black smoke. “You failed your mate, you failed Sleepypaw, you failed my siblings!”
“So you don’t get the right to come in here, tear us down, yell at us, or yell at Darkfall. All while YOU can’t take it back yourself? Make that make sense to me, Lostspark.” Heronpaw lets out a loud scoff towards the shecat. Whiskers twitching with fury. “Maybe then we can fix whatever we are, but right now? Absolutely not. So save your breath on that front, you have never been my mother. You failed the moment you left,”‘You failed me….’ She does not mew the final part to that. Her feelings are not important.
Her father was next. They anger that was directed towards the older shecat that Heron no longer considered family. He was the next for her to tear into. “You! Do you lack the ability to think for yourself? Time again, Lostspark will insult you, yell at you, let all her anger out at you. You know what you do? You crawl back, like a kitten who is desperate to be seen. But hey…what did I expect from someone like you, a low life piece of scum that failed at being in his children’s lives. Lostspark wannabe.” Each word hopefully hurts more than the last. She was fine being the rude one. The one that hated her former parents.
Heronpaw, the eldest of thirteen, daughter to none.
Then the next victim appeared. Larkkit. A demotion. Her perfect time to strike. Something about complaining about having no mother. It killed Heronpaw. It made her want to take out her claws and rip off that blank stare. Heron turns her body towards the older cat. Claws still sheathed but oh was she ready to use them. “UGH. Cry me a goddamn river Larkkit. Oh no, we’re clanborn! Wah Wah! My mother doesn’t exist. Woe is me. Have you ever questioned why? Have you ever questioned the idiot cat that made us all related?” She lets out a single laugh. She doesn’t why she laughs but she does. Pathetic “older sibling”, why was this a constant trend? Her “older siblings” always failed. Just like this one… “How about you stop whining and earn your ‘paw name…again. Second times the charm, or do you need a third?” Personal. But hey, she was on a killing streak. Nobody was safe right now.
Heronpaw feels the invisible claws rip into her pelt. Tear the flesh from her body as she refused to care about them. About her wounds that bled golden blood. Each leaving a permanent scar that only she would see. Heronpaw had given the stars what they wanted so why did they crave more?
Heronpaw knows someone leaves the den, that someone she didn’t know was Rainpaw. A younger sister she had pushed away and not cared to interact with.
Blue and yellow eyes focusing on Sunny as she turns swiftly, away from the cat she once called her mother. Her sister had made herself smaller in size not long ago, and yet the older of the pair did nothing. Heronpaw places her remaining attention onto the younger cat.
She is surprised that her voice is not gone by now, her face fur is wet from the rivers of pain that fell from her eyes moments ago. No, Heronpaw didn’t care what her family thought of her sudden switch in the current moment. Heronpaw put on her best face of kindness, a smile. The last one she had to give in this conversation. It would be the only gentle feature that came over her maw in a long time.
Heronpaw had barely heard her sister’s words of sorry at the start her own thoughts and screaming but now it came back to her. Her voice was a whisper now. Heronpaw makes sure to tone her voice to be softer, to give the familiar caring face it took on when speaking to Sunny. “Why do you apologize, Sunny. There is no need. None of us will be upset at you for expressing yourself, dearest,” Dearest, that was a new nickname. But it was all she had left. “I promise on every star in the sky, mother is not directing her words at you. Look at me, Sunny. It’s been handled. You’re safe….Howls promises....” She had promised something for the first time in her life.
To offer her younger sister comfort. Sunny gave her a comfort that she could never repay, nothing Heronpaw could do would even compare to the debt she owed. A flower blooms.
It blooms inside of the older kitten. A rose. A rose grew out of the frozen ground that Heronpaw was made out of.
She can only lower herself to her sister's eyelevel and await a response.
But Heronpaw wasn’t done with the blind shecat. If Sunny answered, Heronpaw listened and nodded, before standing up and deadlocking her eyes onto the glazed over ones. “I’m not done with you yet. You’re pathetic, a coward, and honestly not worth the rank you have. Who can’t even care for her children, then introduces another one?! Are you just going to leave Bleedingkit like you left every single one of us? Cause I won’t be there to stop you if that happens, I’m done with you. You are nothing but scum. You say you’re treated like that, so that’s what you are.” She mews coldly, dripping hate from each word.
Sootpaw’s faint words hit her good ear and she makes out the (roughly) insulting words and she couldn’t help but agree with him in that. But his gaze fell onto Mirepaw for just a moment too long. It made her blood boil. “May she help you or what, Sootpaw. Cause you can ask me what you need from her. Go on then, say it. Nothing to speak on? I didn’t think so.”
She turns towards Darkfall next. “You. You are the same. You never change. What did I expect…?” Heronpaw takes a step back, getting both in her view as she stands before the group. Head still turned to face her former parents.
“You know what I think? I think you both liked the idea of being parents, then when you become them. You fell short, so very short. One of you had two chances to get it right, no less. I’m done here, I’m done with both of you. “I’m still your mother” my ass. Don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t even consider me your daughter. You are nothing but clan mates to me. Failures At best. You’re a selfish, unworthy, “i'm better than everyone” Shecat. So shove it. You will forever be wrong in this life. I hope the next one you get, that you get a cat who neglects you, hates you for existing, and pays you no mind- Oh wait…that’s you right now. Disappointing, as usual of course…”
With that, Heronpaw lashes her tail, turning around and leaving the den. Giving Sunny one last look, an offer that if she wanted to follow then she could. Heronpaw wasn’t forcing her to do anything. Relationships be damned.
[ God, that was…something. I’m literally only doing direct mentions of those Heronpaw is interacting with cause this post is a lot to take in ;w;
@Morrigan , @Rose , @Dark , @vellichor , @taillow , @iliri ]
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hunting kat and dark in leafí’s basement
“I would've died for your sins
Instead, I just died inside
And you deserve prison, but you won't get time”
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✰ [ stag’s carrd ]✰
kat sneaks away from aries... and runs into carmen
Birdpaw
ShadowClan
she/her | 6 moons | 17/100
[Blue-grey tabby with dark blue overcoat, white underside and amber eyes] Purrks: Lyrebird's Lullaby [PERMANENTLY ACTIVE]
· · ────────────── · ·
· · ────────────── · · "It's over, isn't it?"
~~~
Birdpaw wasn't real. None of this was real. Who was she, if not Lostspark's daughter? If not the bright, cheery cat with boundless enthusiasm and so much love to give? That cat was gone now, hidden beyond a wall of dirt and sand and vines that threatened to suffocate her. She was Birdpaw, daughter of the broken, sibling to none.
Each of the cats she was related to, even some she wasn't, began throwing their words around like they didn't understand how heavy and impactful they were. With every word snarled by Quietpaw, Sleepypaw, Quillpaw--every cry and plea from Moonpaw, Mirepaw, Bleedingkit--even the stunned, heartbroken silence from Cinderpaw, Birdpaw sunk further and further into her despair. Oh, what was the point. They just kept hurting each other. They wouldn't stop!
Didn't these cats understand that by arguing with Mama, by calling her all these horrible names, they were just proving her point? They were making her, and by proxy, everyone else feel worse? Birdpaw had never known the emotion anger. Her shields of sunshine and feathers had kept her safe from the harm anger inflicted on oneself and others.
But as her siblings, one by one, screamed at Mama and acted like the ungrateful kits she thought they were, Birdpaw grew angry. She almost laughed, when she realized it. Almost giggled through her sniffles at the absurd notion that she was finally, finally experiencing anger! The vines around her mind tightened, and she let out a squeak of choked laughter before dissolving into a fit of coughing. Angry! She was angry! She was, and bear with her now, furious, even! These mongrels who dared call themselves children of her Mama, screaming their sick little hearts out at her! As if they knew what Mama had gone through for the clan, for them. As if they weren't just as guilty for not putting in the effort. Well Birdpaw had put in the god damn effort, and here she was getting berated too because of these ungrateful wretches!!!
Wait. What... what was she thinking? That wasn't fair of her, right? Why should she be angry at them and call them names like they had called Mama names? Was she truly no better than them? Birdpaw curled even further into herself as she realized that no, she wasn't any better than them. She had let her anger get the better of her, as unpracticed in it as she was. Mama was right to hate her like she hated everyone else.
Then Moonpaw was running towards Bleedingkit, Mama's new favorite. He was such a small thing, so wobbly on his paws. Birdpaw wanted to love him, to show him that not everyone in this family was broken. But Moonpaw was yelling at him, demanding that he find some other Mama. "Moonpaw!" Birdpaw croaked, in Freckle's voice because she couldn't--she couldn't use her Mama's right now. Everyone would only start pelting her with their stony words as though she was the cause of all this. "Moonpaw please... we gotta love him too." The rivalry she and Moonpaw shared since birth felt so far away now as she begged her younger brother to leave the young kit alone. She watched him run to their shared father, burying himself in the older tom's paws. At least he had someone to comfort him, thank goodness.
Then Birdpaw felt eyes on her, and against her better judgement she looked up. Everyone was still so loud, throwing words around like they had them to spare. Birdpaw didn't have words to spare. She only had the words others gave to her. But all the words she had weren't enough to explain what she felt when Sleepypaw's eyes beseeched her to crawl into her embrace. Birdpaw didn't know Sleepypaw; and she had never interacted with her. But now... Birdpaw unsteadily pushed herself to her paws, stumbling over to Sleepypaw and collapsing against her side. Finally, someone who... wasn't angry with her. Who wasn't yelling. Birdpaw let herself be comforted by a cat she never knew and yet simultaneously felt like she had lived her whole life with. Bleedingkit had skittered over to Sleepypaw too, eyes as wide as saucers. After this, if they were able to pick up the pieces, she wanted to play a game of mossball with him.
Mirepaw's words echoed in Birdpaw's shell-like ears. Finally someone was making sense! Birdpaw nodded eagerly, sniffling as Mirepaw begged everyone to see reason. Then suddenly she was apologizing, but Birdpaw couldn't tell what for. She watched with sadness as her older sister bowed her head in defeat. Birdpaw couldn't even muster the energy to be mad on her sister's behalf. All her anger was gone. She was just so tired, and her chest hurt. The warmth of Sleepypaw suddenly fell away from her side, and Birdpaw had to scramble to gain her balance again. She watched in despair as the older apprentice left, leaving Birdpaw and Bleedingkit alone. Fitting, she supposed. Birdpaw sidled closer to Bleedingkit, wrapping her tail around the kit if he let her.
Mama left, and for a moment Birdpaw thought it was all over. But then she returned, Sleepypaw in tow. Birdpaw tried to garner her sister's attention, a quiet invitation to come back to where she and Bleedingkit sat. Maybe Birdpaw could be the comforting one now. She cast her gaze to Moonpaw as well, giving her brother a similar look. Maybe... maybe he just needed someone to show they wouldn't leave him behind.
And then, at last, Mama began to speak again. She seemed just as tired as Birdpaw felt as she moved between her children, taking back what she said and giving them each the individual attention they had craved their entire lives. When it was her turn, Birdpaw nearly crumpled at the nickname. Baby bird. She had wanted nothing more in life than to be called that again. And here it was, in the worst moment of her young life. Could it really bring back the youth and optimism she felt before she entered this den?
Birdpaw gave her mother a big, watery smile as she finished apologizing, speaking in a small, tiny voice that only her mother and Bleedingkit could hear. Her own. It was raspy and new to her, but perhaps with time it would develop into something she could truly feel comfortable with. "I love you, Mama. I always will." She reached up to touch her tiny nose against her mother's. Maybe everything could be okay now.
Oh, but her siblings just couldn't let it rest, could they. They couldn't take an apology and move on. They just. Had to Keep. Pushing. Larkkit, Sootpaw, Heronpaw. Birdpaw dug her claws into the den floor, closing her eyes and ignoring their barbed comments. It never ended, it never ended. She just wanted to move on! She just wanted to become a warrior, make Mama and Papa proud, live in peace and be a good cat that everyone liked. She supposed that started now, by keeping her head high and showing that she was brave. She was responsible. She was bright and sunny and no one could take that away from her.
Birdpaw straightened up, keeping her gaze locked on Mama and waited for her siblings to scream themselves out. They had to be done eventually. And they were. Heronpaw snarled that she was no longer their daughter, wasting no time in storming out of the den. Birdpaw watched her go, something ugly clenching her heart. Just when Heronpaw had finally begun to pay attention to her, had apologized for being so mean during their kithood, she was abandoning them. A dark part of Birdpaw couldn't blame her. The rest of Birdpaw didn't know how to feel. So she looked away. She did what she always did, and she looked away.
Mirepaw was left alone, without the sister she so adored. She didn't know if Mirepaw would follow, so Birdpaw gave her sister the same look she gave Sleepypaw and Moonpaw. Come sit by me. You and I, we are the same here. Please.
Cinderpaw
~<>~
14/100
7 moons || she/her || ShadowClan Apprentice small black tabby with minimal white markings and 3 legs; amber eyes
Noise. There's so much noise and Cinderpaw doesn't know what to do. There are arms around her, pulling her in close and, though her tears, they smell like momma. Momma...
She wants to fight back, to thrash and to scream and to shout as so many of her siblings had. To demand why is she to blame? Why is she to blame for being a child? Why is she to blame for not reaching out? She had reached out. She'd gotten bit because of it. She tried to be helpful, to make some connection with the mother who had a job, who was busy and could not always be with them. Cinder knew this. That's why she wanted to help. That's why she tried to make her mother's job easier.
And her mother had repaid her with one less leg and declarations of sorrow and sympathy. And then she hadn't glanced her way more than twice since. Was that love? Was this, right now, love? Demands for apology, to mend something she hadn't been told was broken in the first place? A pity party of how their mother does not feel supported and yet did not even reach out until it was too late? Was this what love was?
Instead of all the shouting or kicking or screaming of accusation, of hurt and betrayal she wants to do, Cinderpaw simply curls tighter once more against the legs of her mother. She won't be thrown away. She won't. She will scream, and bite, and claw as hard as she possibly can if it means she could keep this. She will not let go of this. She will hold on so tightly her claws are buried into flesh, and if the love of her mother gets ripped away from her, she will find satisfaction in the fact that she left scars in what used to be hers. Everything she ever lets go of will be marred by her claws.
Heronpaw is speaking. Yelling. Accusing. And Cinder cannot find it in herself to really disagree with her oldest sister, but she cannot find it in herself to hate their mother either. Her mother. Heron doesn't want her. Cinder's mother. If Heron does not want their mother... will she also get rid of Cinder? Of Birdpaw? Of Mirepaw? Of all of them..? What had Cinder ever done to deserve such scorn? All she'd done was love. Love and assume she would be loved right back. Was that wrong? Was that a crime? Was she a fool?
She feels like a fool even as she buries her face into Lostspark's leg, squeezing her eyes tight as her sides heave with the quiet, soundless shudder of sobs that will not stop yet have no tears left to give. She doesn't want to be thrown away or abandoned... is that was comes out of loving someone? Out of needing to be loved back? Momma says she loves them, and Cinderpaw believes her. The other voices are just noise. Noise and clamor.
It's all noise, and she cannot open her eyes or all she will see are shapes. Shapes that used to be her family. Shapes that used to be this den. They don't feel real to her in this moment. She doesn't feel real to herself either. She is floating above herself, looking down, yet at the same time it is almost as if she is seeing nothing. But she will not leave. She will not let go of what she has.
[ only mentioning those cinder is directly thinking about and, as this will likely be my last post in this thread, Cinder is choosing not to abandon this family if it wasn't clear lol ]
[ @Rose - lost // @stag. - heron // @Mica - bird // @taillow - mire ]
Re: broken bonds, fraying ties, tangled hearts ... beating wings. [p]
Re: broken bonds, fraying ties, tangled hearts ... beating wings. [p]
