[Mauve]

"i know it's stilly.
but i used to play a game in my head
trying to believe you might feel the same way.

if that car turns right, you love me.
if it's not yet midnight, you love me.
if that girl sits in that chair, you love me.
if it rains tomorrow, you love me.

and i don't think i ever really believed
that stupid game would mean anything
but now i know for sure it didn't
because the car turned right
it was not yet midnight
that girl sat in that chair
and it rained that next day
and still,
you did not love me."
-C (imjust-a-girl.tumblr)

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Spiderkit was never suppose to be born. He was never suppose to take a breath or air,
or place his tiny paws on the earthy soil. He was never suppose to see the light
through the trees or catch glimpses of shadows on water at night. He was never suppose
to have dreams and aspirations of his own to someday carry out and fulfill.
No, he was never suppose to be born.

But he was.

Being born out of sin was not something Spiderkit was ever familiar with. Since he
came into ShadowClan as a kit, the stares he got and the whispers that danced around him
were all he knew. Of course, he had no possible idea they were talking about
him. Oblivious to the faint murmurs of conversations that centered around him like
the sun does the earth he danced about on tiny paws, from one group to the next,
speaking kind words of "hello!" and "want to play?". Decline after decline and finally
the young Spiderkit was alone, sitting by himself as the other kits played in the nursery,
all seeming to have a certain sparkle about them that young Spiderkit just did not posses.

The first hint. The first little twinge of the fact that maybe, perhaps, something was...
off about him. Something about Spiderkit expelled darkness into the air, and it confused him
because... who would ever distrust a kit? Who would ever look at a new form of life and think
anything other than what a blessing it was? The beginning of a hardened heart. Dark thoughts
that swirled about his tiny mind, clouding his amber eyes and causing his midnight black fur to become
coated with the damp sweat that left his pawpads as he attempted to clean himself in an effort to
release the tension built up inside.

The day of being an apprentice. A proud day, where Spiderpaw could escape the cruel taunting of
the other kits - and perhaps his own taunting thoughts - in the territory that now expanded before
him. With no family in sight he accepted the honor of becoming an apprentice and ran into
the endless bliss of freedom. Day after night after day he would escape the comments that
stung like claws and walk the borders, the ones shared with RiverClan, gazing out into the
unknown and feeling a tug at his heart - or what is left of it at that moment.
"I shouldn't be longing to go there."
Anguish erupts and Spiderpaw returns to ShadowClan, paws trudging into
the expected verbal battle awaiting him in the dark corners of the apprentices den.

Paws curl tight and ears lay flat against her head, Spiderpaw prays to the stars that are not yet out,
wishing for a peaceful serenity to replace the heartless desert that expands his mind, causing him to
dodge each falling rock so as to not have the cruel thoughts take him down with them.

Nothing.

Silence.

Almost as if Spiderpaw was never suppose to be born.


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On the outside, Spiderpaw is generally bubbly and perky, always doing as he is instructed, sitting where he is told, and executing each action called of him. A mask of smiling and butterflies cover his face, one that hides away the darker parts of his mind. See, Spiderpaw has these... thoughts. Ever since he realized not every cat in the world is like him - kind, accepting, non-judgemental - he's felt, well, alone. A part of his heart longs to be in RiverClan ever since he heard of the cats of the water, but he does not know why. He is only six moons, nearing his seventh, and already he cannot see his future in ShadowClan. This scares Spiderpaw, and every night when the rest of the camp is asleep under a blanket of stares, awake is this young feline, wishing for the stars above to tell him who he is. Why he doesn't have any family in ShadowClan. Why his mother left the Clan right after he was born, giving him up to another queen to be yet another hungry mouth yearning for food that was difficult to give with leaf-bare approaching.

Spiderpaw never got an answer from the Stars. Cold and desolate became the valleys in his mind, and despite having this urge to believe in his warrior ancestors nestled in the tangled thorns of his heart, his mind simply couldn't comprehend how they ignored him time and time again. This made him grow cold, like the claws of night that penetrated his fur whenever the apprentices' den would get too suffocating, causing him to slip out in the middle of the night.

What he does not know is he was never suppose to be born. The stars look down on his birth as a disgrace to the Clans, yet another pair of "loyal cats" breaking the code valued by the majority for love. He is half RiverClan - with his father residing from there - and half ShadowClan, where his mom descends from. He knew not one of them, since his mother left the Clan shortly after giving birth to him, and his father, well... he does not know who that is. At first he would always ask, but no cat had the courage to tell him he was half-Clan. No cat believed it would be helping anything. "Let him believe he is full ShadowClan, but always keep watch over his actions." "Don't let him stray too far to the border, he might not come back." All the silent whispers that echoed around him, one's that Spiderpaw would catch in passing, but never be able to untangle or decode. After awhile, he just stopped asking. Figured, if his father ever did love him, he would find him.

That's why he never really approached anyone in ShadowClan anymore. He never goes out of his way to make friends, since they are all cold towards him. Or fake. And Spiderpaw can't decide which is worse. But he is polite and kind to everyone. Until one of the apprentices takes things too far. A cut above his eye, dirt in his lungs. With his spirit shattered, Spiderpaw trudged into the medicine den, his impeccable façade broken. Perhaps Daydream picks up on this - perhaps not. Regardless, Spiderpaw tries for the first time to confide in someone. Suddenly, his words are tumbling over each other like a cascading waterfall; a dam that has broke and allowed every single secret droplet to fall into the chaotic depths below. And when it's over, he confesses that he's leaving ShadowClan. Tonight. And promises Daydream to not tell anyone. To just forget about him, like his Clanmates have. Like his mother did. Like his father. Like StarClan.

Will Daydream try to convince him to stay? Will they be able to see the true pain and agony that plagues Spiderpaw's heart and soul, causing him to spiral into a whirlwind of darkness, with no chance for even a little ray of light? Or will Spiderpaw be lost to the darkness in his mind, forever?

Every day Spiderpaw played this game with himself.
If the leaf floats away, you'll come find me.
If it is not yet sunhigh, you'll come find me.
If that bird lands on that branch, you'll come find me.
If it rains tomorrow, you'll come find me.

But eventually, he gave up looking for signs everywhere.
Because that leaf did float away,
it was not yet sunhigh
that bird landed on that branch
and it rained that next day
And still, Spiderpaw was lost, with no one coming to find him.
@king kaleb! decided to change the gender and name, because i fell in love with the name spiderfern, and wanted to use it for here. also added a little plot to the end of it on how he becomes daydream's apprentice ^^
woly poly

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