[mvoxhu]

(c) cooltext.com

❝ i've made some bad decisions, but i am ready to change that. ❞

""i've killed someone.
probably not the best thing to say to someone who you're trying to gain the trust of, but i consider honesty to be the best policy in these situations. the reason behind it was valid, don't worry, although it may take a lot of explaining... i guess the sooner i start, the quicker it'll be over.

i was previously a loner. mother was kind soul, but she loved father very much. my dad was more of the stubborn and stoic type, he would rarely pay any attention to me or my siblings. we lived in a barn, a lot of other cats resided there with us. it was kind of like a clan, but without the rules and codes set in place. maybe a gang would be a better term? my dad ruled the place, what he said stayed, and he made the important choices for the cats. he was also the cat who i wanted to impress and prove myself to. so, i did.

when i was deemed old enough to participate in dad's hunts and fights, i immediately did so. my mother wasn't very happy, but my brother joined me in doing it. he was tall and slim, with a spotted coat and pointed ears, much like myself. we were almost identical apart from our varying eye colours; his a burning amber, whilst mine was a solemn green. we were both determined to gain our father's attention and admiration, so we sought out to do it together. we were tough in battle, and would often go on hunting trips to return with heaps of mice and crows. but, alas, he was still absorbed on others.

that was, until we finally got the chance to prove ourselves. with the threats of a rival rogue group, we were in danger. one night, our barn was attacked fiercely; we were also severely outnumbered. my realistic side told me it wasn't possible for us to win, yet my brother and i both just gave each other a stare before letting it rip on our enemies. we were good, despite lacking in muscle and brute strength, our lean builds were easier to manoeuvre than the other felines'.

soon enough, it became obvious that we'd basically given up. before i could make another move, a screech rang out from the heaps of bloodied flanks. i recognised it as the large tom i had grown to call my father. he was beaten down and roughened up, breathing at a bare minimum. he wasn't going to live; that was for certain.

the other rogues were happy that they'd killed our alpha, assuming that we were pretty much defenceless now. i believed that we were, and i was going to just let it all be. but, my brother was not feeling the same. he gritted his teeth and hummed, announcing that he was to be the new alpha in place of his father. some cats decided to argue, stating that they should be the superior, some even said that i would be a more mature feline to lead them. i disagreed. whilst this was going on it seems the rival group had grown tiresome of our debates, and, slowly but surely, they left.

the next few days were calm, which wasn't what i had expected at all. everyone was on edge, yes, but we were all busy trying to replenish the barn. i believe that we were unsafe, and i brought it up, however, my brother immediately shot me down. it seemed that he wanted to run things his way, and his way only. i was alright with that, i suppose. as long as my mother and sister were safe. but speaking of them, they weren't in the best of conditions. my brother had made a new rule within the group. all females have to be used for breeding. nothing more. now, i believed that was unfair. extremely unfair.

so, again, i spoke to him about his decisions. he got angry, furious even. he threatened to force me out of the group. which eventually caused me to shut up. i was annoyed at him for using his power to treat others wrongly. he was annoyed at me for always disagreeing with him.

that's what started our fight. i was commanded to go and hunt a few mice from the neighbouring fields. which i went out to do almost immediately. i didn't expect for my brother to follow me, however. as i was crouching down to pounce on one of the small creatures, i felt another body land on top of me. i was winded momentarily, but flipped around to see the tom i had known my entire life.
"i'm sick and tired of the way you treat me, you're supposed to be my brother Harley!" he yelled at me, still above my bodice.

i didn't respond back, only barrelling away from the male. he was stronger than me, and i knew that. although i was quicker than he. leaping onto the tom's back, i dug my claws into the flesh of his back. both of us were furious, this was our way of showing that. again, i felt myself being forced into the ground. i hadn't remembered him being this good at fighting. i was,,, struggling against him. i got up one more time, scratches adorning my face and back. later i'd find out that those scratches would become scars. my body flung itself towards him, only to be shot down yet again. i was growing tired of my body always hitting the ground. god, i was useless against this cat. i knew about his weaknesses and strengths in battle, but it was like i was unable to fight him. i could feel my eyes closing over, my breathing irregular. this must've been what it felt like to be on the verge of death. images of my childhood flashed through my mind. my father, my brother.... my mother and sister. they were innocent in this.. i couldn't let them suffer anymore.

suddenly, a new found energy pulsed through my veins. i pushed the tom off of me, clasping his head between my claws. they delved into my brother's skin. he was now the one who lay helpless on the ground. i could hear his erratic breaths. or, maybe they were my own... growing tired of watching his pained expressions, i took a deep inhale before my teeth met with the flesh of his throat. metal. god the taste of it was strong. but my mouth went deeper into his chest. he wailed, screeched even. as i pulled away his body spasmed and his lips curled in a cruel fashion. i was wide-eyed, scared of both the dying cat in front of me, but also scared of myself.

that's why i ran. i ran as far as i could, away from the barn and my family.

i was found by the shadowclan territory a moon or so later, where i was held to the ground once more. my eyes grew wide. would they kill me? i didn't want to hurt any other feline. the images of my brother bloodied up almost caused me to throw up as the cats claws pinned me to the earth. despite my sketchy appearance into their territory, the cats took me in. i was glad that they had. but, of course they questioned me a lot. asked about my background, my scars, why my ears were so large. at my jittery response to the first two questions, and the heavy breathing i would produce, they deemed me unhealthy to be a warrior. although, i was still given a name.

"webjaw, for the web-like scarring that is across your jaw." that didn't make me worse at all....

they told me that i would become an elder, due to my panicking expressions when told i would have to fight as a warrior. i also didn't want anything to do with killing or harming cats... it just brought back memories. memories that i did not want stuck in my head.

it was a little odd for a 28 moon-old cat to reside to the elders' den, but i wasn't fit to work elsewhere in the camp. which is why i feel as if i should become medicine cat apprentice. i need to pay back to the cats here, they've helped me through a lot. but i also wish to learn about the herbs and plants. it seems more friendly than,,, learning about claws and teeth.

anyways, i suppose i should share some things about myself.
i'm webjaw, i identify as a male, but you can refer to me as a they or he. i don't mind.
i'm not really attracted to anyone... in fact i try not to see cats in that type of way. perhaps it's just that i'm afraid of them leaving me? i'm not too sure, but i tell myself that there isn't a reason for it.
my previous name was harley... i- i'd rather not talk about my past too much though.
a few of the elders say that i have post-traumatic stress disorder.. i've told them about how i feel when fighting, and they claim that it may be because of past events. by what they've told me, i believe that i do have post-traumatic stress disorder.
there probably isn't much else to say about me.
if you aren't alright with me being a newer member of the clan, or still trying to learn about the laws and rules that abide here... then i suppose i'm not the cat for you.

i appreciate your opening of the position. i hope you find who you're looking for.""

the speckled tom gave a formal bow, before he ducked out from the area. the scent of pine needles left as the feline disappeared amongst the other cats.

[ woly poly ]