[AbsurdJinx]

Originally Posted by Charmer

As the younger apprentice padded over to flatten the tuft on his shoulder, he sat in silence. It was just as much about giving her the chance to voice her thoughts as it was to avoid thanking her. Thanking her would feel too much like an admission that he couldn't handle something as basic as grooming like he used to. He knew it was obvious to most cats, but he would feel too much like an elder asking for help. He could still manage well enough.

The younger cat asked about something that didn't exactly surprise him. Loss. He had told the truth about it, and he'd had a lifetime to try to get used to the fact that cats die, and the ones you love were no exception. Juniperpaw was still young and feeling the pain of loss for the first time. A loss as a medicine cat was hard alright, but he at least had the advantage of a long life to learn to manage the feelings that came with it, and obviously he still wasn't perfect at it. His herb stores could attest to that. She was young though, and had chosen a life in many ways more difficult than a warrior's from the very start. And what made it worse is she was managing it alone. He could relate to that too...

"It comes with the territory at my age," he explained. "I lost my father before I left the nursery and my mother before I earned my warrior name. Friends, brothers, a sister... my mate," he added in a low voice, jagged with dulled pain. "Acornpaw was the first patient I lost. That was much harder than I expected. It's different when you're a warrior. You know that there's only so much you can do, and if you lose a clanmate, there were others who all could have done something to help them. It's not just your fault. But Acornpaw...I was all he had and I couldn't help him. And the worst part was I really thought I could. I still don't know what I did wrong. But I'll tell you what I do know, Junebug. I threw myself into my warrior duties. And I was a great one. But I also had to endure the pain. There's no helping it. When you lose someone, you're gonna hurt for a long time. Then one day, it hurts a little less. Then a little less, then a lot more when you see or think of something that reminds you of them, then less, more, less, less and less again. Then one day you realize you're having more good days and the pain isn't as bad. And if you're a lot of cats, you try and take comfort in the fact you'll see them again in Starclan. And if you're me, you also look forward to clawing the sparkly ears off the first foxheart you see in Starclan for putting you through that pain," he added it like a chiding remark, but there was just the faintest hint of a snarl on his grimacing face. He flicked a shredded ear, and looked at the Riverclan shecat with his remaining amber eye. "Is this just about your mentor? Is anything else going on?"

Juniperpaw wasn't looking for a `thank you`, and she hadn't been expecting one anyways. She accepted Shinefang's advice - or explanation - as his appreciation, even if it wasn't. She had, after all, been searching for an answer, and that was better than a simple `thanks`. Besides, she highly doubted Shinefang would ask anyone for help, the proud furball, even if the tuft of fur bothered him all day. However, she wasn't interested in tearing down Shinefang's dignity by pointing out his age and disabilities - she only did that when there was an obviously-playful mood but right now, there was no such mood.

As Shinefang spoke, Juniperpaw inched closer to the tomcat and sat at his side. Warmth seemed to radiate off him and engulf her, offering her comfort. She let her tail wave slowly behind her, a way to keep her body busy during the serious conversation. She was a very busy-bee and liked to keep moving; when she wasn't moving her mind was working and not always in the most positive of ways.

She did not meet Shinefang's gaze, and instead stared at the ground to the side of her forepaw. A sorrow-filled expression clouded her features and instead of answering Shinefang's questions - which were sure to have her burst out wailing - she croaked, ``So the pain doesn't go away? It'll always hurt?`` Juniperpaw leaned against the older tom, feeling uselessness fill her. If being a medicine cat only caused pain, then why did such a rank exist? Why weren't there other medicine cats in the clans to comfort one another at their losses? Cats who better understood the pain of the medicine cats? Juniperpaw wasn't sure if she was prepared for the sacrifices of a medicine cat.