Quote:
Originally Posted by AbsurdJinx
@king kaleb!
Juniperpaw watched Nightpaw through a distant gaze before being brought back to reality by Shinefang. She looked over at the big tom, and snort-laughed as he finished his short story. You can say that again, she thought with dry amusement. ``Uh, yeah, actually,`` Juniperpaw meowed uncertainly, taking it upon herself to approach Shinefang and sit down at his side where she could flatten the messy tuft of fur on his shoulder and avoid looking him directly in the eyes. She simply couldn't bring herself to look at him, not with such a topic as the one she wished to bring up, and especially not after he watched Daydream blow up on Juniperpaw. ``I- you said you've lost cats before. Was that... before or after becoming a medicine cat - or both? I just - why is this so difficult to say?`` She paused for a moment to gather herself before continuing, ``How do you deal with losing someone?`` Juniperpaw remembered all her losses - the young kit and the elderly warrior, her mentor and even her own mother. She'd lost them all recently, and she feared she may just lose Daydream as well.
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As the younger apprentice padded over to flatten the tuft on his shoulder, he sat in silence. It was just as much about giving her the chance to voice her thoughts as it was to avoid thanking her. Thanking her would feel too much like an admission that he couldn't handle something as basic as grooming like he used to. He knew it was obvious to most cats, but he would feel too much like an elder asking for help. He could still manage well enough.
The younger cat asked about something that didn't exactly surprise him. Loss. He had told the truth about it, and he'd had a lifetime to try to get used to the fact that cats die, and the ones you love were no exception. Juniperpaw was still young and feeling the pain of loss for the first time. A loss as a medicine cat was hard alright, but he at least had the advantage of a long life to learn to manage the feelings that came with it, and obviously he still wasn't perfect at it. His herb stores could attest to that. She was young though, and had chosen a life in many ways more difficult than a warrior's from the very start. And what made it worse is she was managing it alone. He could relate to that too...
"It comes with the territory at my age," he explained. "I lost my father before I left the nursery and my mother before I earned my warrior name. Friends, brothers, a sister... my mate," he added in a low voice, jagged with dulled pain. "Acornpaw was the first patient I lost. That was much harder than I expected. It's different when you're a warrior. You know that there's only so much you can do, and if you lose a clanmate, there were others who all could have done something to help them. It's not just
your fault. But Acornpaw...I was all he had and I couldn't help him. And the worst part was I really thought I could. I still don't know what I did wrong. But I'll tell you what I do know, Junebug. I threw myself into my warrior duties. And I was a great one. But I also had to endure the pain. There's no helping it. When you lose someone, you're gonna hurt for a long time. Then one day, it hurts a little less. Then a little less, then a lot more when you see or think of something that reminds you of them, then less, more, less, less and less again. Then one day you realize you're having more good days and the pain isn't as bad. And if you're a lot of cats, you try and take comfort in the fact you'll see them again in Starclan. And if you're me, you also look forward to clawing the sparkly ears off the first foxheart you see in Starclan for putting you through that pain," he added it like a chiding remark, but there was just the faintest hint of a snarl on his grimacing face. He flicked a shredded ear, and looked at the Riverclan shecat with his remaining amber eye. "Is this just about your mentor? Is anything else going on?"