[lone]

Originally Posted by Random Melody

Snowstar nodded slightly, gazing at the young medicine cat. She really hoped Caliapaw did have someone else she could talk to, open up to. She was sure she did. But she knew the young she-cat wasn't going to open up to her any time soon, she could see that clearly. And it was alright - Snowstar could wait. She was generally a very impatient cat but with things like this, she knew they took time and patience. And Snowstar could sit still and wait for something if she had to. And she'd wait for this. She'd wait for Caliapaw to become more comfortable, enough to open up to her. The Siamese gazed at the young medicine cat. The concern didn't leave her gaze, but now she looked a little more sure of herself and what she wanted to do. She wanted to stick around for this kid. She wanted to try and make a bond with her. She wanted to be someone Caliapaw could go talk to when she needed it. She wanted to be someone Caliapaw trusted.

Snowstar paused, letting the thoughts slip away as Caliapaw spoke. Her gaze softened even more, if that was even possible. Right now the she-cat had such a gentle, caring look in her ice blue eyes, anyone could clearly tell she cared for the young cat. "I know," She said softly. "And I am sorry you have to face them so quickly." She knew it wasn't her fault, it was the Dusk Syndicate's fault, but still. She was sorry. She couldn't help it, that's just how she was. Again, she hoped Caliapaw had somebody she could go to to talk to. Somebody she trusted. She was sure she did. She hoped she did. At least until Caliapaw trusted her enough to talk to her about this. Snowstar knew it wasn't good to keep this kind of stuff bottled up. It wasn't good to let your emotions keep building and building until it was just too much to hold in. She didn't want to see Caliapaw break. So for the young she-cats sake, she hoped with all her heart she didn't keep it all bottled up. That she had someone to talk to about it. Anyone.

Snowstar didn't like feeling so useless. She really didn't. It was awful, knowing she couldn't do much... But she could do something. She could be there and try to comfort her. Try to be there. Try to get her trust. Try to get her to talk about it. But that was it. Would that be enough? The Siamese sighed, gazing at the young medicine cat. Hopefully it would. Hopefully, eventually, Caliapaw would trust her enough to open up. And if not, hopefully she would open up to her friends, or family members, someone. Just something to release all that emotion. Caliapaw definitely needed that, Snowstar could tell. Keeping it all inside was never good. Hiding your emotions was never good. And such a young cat should definitely not feel like she had to do that, because she didn't. She really didn't. And she hoped, if it wasn't herself, someone would help Caliapaw to see that.

She paused, watching the young medicine cat's eyes soften, and nodded quietly when Caliapaw responded. "Yes, I know.... But still. My offer still stands. You can come talk to me about anything... I'm a good listener. Besides, you really shouldn't be keeping all of that emotion inside... You'll explode." She offered a small smile before continuing. "And the Clan also needs it's medicine cat. So don't explode. Please." While her tone was light, trying to joke, her ice blue eyes stayed serious and concerned, gazing at the young she-cat. Underneath the faintly joking tone, she was completely serious. Snowstar was usually good at trying to lighten the mood like this, but perhaps the concern was too strong right now. Besides, this wasn't really a time for joking around.

"I promise." Snowstar replied solemnly, gazing at the young medicine cat. She thought back to her losing a life, and frowned slightly. She knew she should tell the medicine cat, but was now a really good time? "I do... Have something else to tell you, but I don't know if this is the time. I don't think it's that important..." She said carefully, voicing her thoughts aloud. She wasn't going to keep this from the medicine cat if it was something Caliapaw needed to know, but she still wasn't sure if it was a good time to bring it up right now. Probably not. She didn't think it was too important anyway. Just one life lost, right? Still, it could be something Caliapaw needed to know as the medicine cat. But still.... Again, she knew this wasn't a good time for it. Or was it? Great, now the Siamese was confused.

"Sorry" was a word that the young medicine cat had been hearing a lot lately. She was sure that everyone truly was sorry for her, but that wasn't what she needed - she didn't need sympathy. Still, she bit her tongue and nodded slowly at Snowstar's words. "I'll... be okay." It was nice to have Snowstar on her side. In some ways, she felt that she could relate to the young leader. Both of them had been thrust into positions of power at young ages, and both had said yes when they were asked. But she was pretty sure Snowstar hadn't seen her leadership coming that soon... and she knew she hadn't seen her apprenticeship ending so soon. Technically she was still Wheatfur's apprentice, but in the eyes of the Clan, she was the medicine cat. She was the only one who knew what to do in terms of injuries, and she was the only one who would be able to make sure those same injuries wouldn't get worse. Or infected.

Lately life was slowing down, and despite Ivypaw's death, Caliapaw got the feeling that things were going to be looking up soon. Once she could let go of the past and embrace the present. That was something that was hard for her to do - letting go. She didn't trust herself to let go of anything, especially not something that was as traumatizing as this was. All of this being thrust at her at such a young age, it was... different. If only she had been ready, all of this would be easier to take in. But at this point? It still felt more like a dream - or nightmare. Some days life was good, other days it was the most difficult thing to do a simple task like even greeting a patient. She'd never been great at "bedside manner" and was even worse now.

Honestly, comfort had never been her #1 thing. Unless there was some logic in it, then it was like she got a little better at it. "I'll, um, make sure to do that." The younger cat cleared her throat awkwardly. She knew Snowstar was being friendly, but she really wasn't used to cats she'd just met being so friendly to her. Sure, now it was more frequent - she was the medicine cat after all, that was like being a celebrity and she was pretty sure there wasn't too much hope of having a quiet life from now on. The true friends that she had, the ones that were there because they wanted to be her friend and not because she was a medicine cat, those were the friends she cherished. Those were her closest friends and Caliapaw believed in them with all her heart. She would stand by them if they ever needed anything, just as they had stood by her when she had had needs as well. The young feline felt a flicker of worry as she glanced at the leader.

How was she ever supposed to live up to the older cats, all of whom knew what they were doing and had had more training to do their job right? How was she supposed to live up to the legacies previous medicine cats had left behind, write her own story and make a difference in her own time? How was she ever supposed to train an apprentice and make sure they were ready before she stepped down? Whatever the answer was to those questions, Caliapaw was certain she would figure it out eventually. Someday soon, she would discover the answer to all of these questions and when that day came, she would greet it with happiness. Until then she would have to continue on as she was going, grasping hopefully at the answers. And even if Caliapaw never did find the answers, at least she would have the satisfaction of knowing that she had tried. The medicine cat frowned at the she cat's words, her claim that it 'wasn't that important,' and her expression grew more worried. She had overlooked something, hadn't she? She had missed whatever had happened and now something worse was going to happen, and Caliapaw was going to be the cause of it... the she cat's tail twitched anxiously, and she felt her belief in herself sink lower. She had been right all along. She wasn't right for this, and why hadn't she just said no when Wheatfur had asked her?

Pull yourself together. Now. You are NOT going to have a pity party right now, you are going to FIX your mistake. Caliapaw told herself, and drew herself up in a more professional manner. Her heart was beating wildly inside her chest, she was sure, and as unconfident as she felt, as dead inside as she felt, she knew she needed to act more like she was alive inside. More like she knew what she was doing. Because even if she didn't, she wanted Snowstar to believe that she did. To have some confidence in the young medicine cat, because Caliapaw was still hoping that she would figure out the rules of the game eventually and when she did, she would want confidence in her to be restored. The confidence she might have lost. Everyone said that it wasn't her fault when she made a mistake, that she was young, and 'poor her.' But that simply wasn't so. Her youth was no excuse for her mistakes, and Caliapaw knew that. Her youth shouldn't be used as a coverup, or excuse - otherwise cats would start pitying her even more.

That was the last thing Caliapaw wanted. "There's no time like the present. If it's medical, I should know about it." It should have been the first thing I knew about! She thought angrily to herself. She wasn't upset with Snowstar, oh no - the leader probably didn't want to burden Caliapaw. While she appreciated the gesture, and appreciated the fact that Snowstar knew what it was like to have the weight of the world on her shoulders, she was also pretty confident that she should have been able to recognize that. At least that was one thing she could be confident of - her inability to recognize sickness when she should have.