[zBlaze]

 

Originally Posted by alec

->> jayfrost [he/him, rc warrior, 25moons, burn baby burn] <<-
a tall silver classic-tabby with well groomed short to medium length fur and icy blue eyes
cw: for minor description of gross stuff/rotting prey, depression
@blxze.

jayfrost had expected goldfish to pass him in order to get around to minkpaw or cobwebpaw, or to ask him for some other cat, what he had not expected was for her to start straightup sobbing out of nowhere. he stared at her shaking form for a moment, seemingly too stunned to react, before shakily lifting himself onto aching legs and shifting closer. he gave the molly a change to move away, if she wanted, before going to wrap his tail around her and leaning his shoulder against hers. his movement mechanical and tense he tried to focus on her and not how the contact seemed to send a spark through his body, and not the good kind at that. has see intentionally stumbled her way into the medicine den to see him? but why would she seek out a cat she barely knew as an apprentice and had talked to once the past moon or so.. his brain felt like crowfood, all musty and somehow not connected at all despite being all muddled together, thoughts drifting off and too slippery to take hold off, perhaps bumblestar had hit him harder in the head that he remembered. any suspicions why goldfish mightve come to him specifically finally went out the realm of possibilities when she started talking, voice wavering and cracking under the pressure of the sobs shaking her, focussing on her rather than why she was here, after what she had done for him it was his duty to do so.
"its okay, dont worry" he muttered in response, gently touching the side of her face with his nose, his voice was quiet but steady, words fraying at the edges from unengaging his voice for too long.
"you cant expect yourself to know everything about everyone you know. you were betrayed just the same as everyone else" the tabby forced out, swallowing his pride and need to resort to his usual presentation, that being neutral and closed off, in order to try and provide comfort. he purposefully didnt reply to the comment about her apprentice, grateful she didnt seem to mind too much judging by the state she was in.
"goldfish," he unsuccessfully tried to interrupted her rambling "you cant save everyone." the tom spoke slowly and the it hang in the air between them for a moment before continuing. thoughts circling the time when their positions were reversed, he remembered how scared and broken he felt. hollowed out and discarded, alone. and how the all consuming cold of solidarity, undesirability and fear had settled deep in his bones.
"everyone is stressed, cats are scared, its not about you its about fear."

(wow look who finally responded, its me)

user20199_pic47993_1707016046.png
Goldfish
Purrks: Agatha Kitty || Go With the Flow
Tags; @/alec
TW: Severe Distress | Abuse mentions | Depressed Thoughts | Confusing stuff I cant put into words. Hallucinations maybe?
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Goldfish couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't act, couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, COULDN'T BREATHE! She needed air, she was suffocating, her heart was roaring in her ears. Her paws were tingling her sight was fuzzy and she COULDN'T BREATHE! BREATHE! Somehow, some way she found a ay to wheeze in a breath, but she still felt she couldn't breathe. The medicine den felt tight and stuffy and the walls were closing in on her, cutting off her meager air supply and dragging it into the darkness of the den where she couldn't see. AIR, She needed AIR! She couldn't think of anything else but how she could've saved her, could've helped her, and Shelly. Freaking. Left her. She put her pride first and Goldfish felt dead inside. But she wasn't dead, because she needed air so bad even though she was breathing and could never get enough of it in her lungs. She wheezed in more air and-

"You can't save everyone."

She wanted to melt into the floor right then and there. The trauma of her childhood unearthed itself in her heart. She felt... she could breathe. Those words stung hard- so, so hard- because when she was just a child- she'd been expected to save her sister. But she didn't have it in her, not to go out into the cold snowstorm to make sure she was okay, not to bring her back in so she could warm up. Silverkit had had to come in on her own, and by then it was too late for her. The anger... the pure terror... and suddenly she was back and her mother was beating her and screaming and she was crying and Spottedkit was clinging to her, shrieking for mercy and her tiny heart wanted to stop and her screams had echoed across camp until Moonfall body checked Cormorantcrash off her and she'd been left sobbing so hard and in so much pain she wanted to die. She was feeling it all over again. But this time, the pain was on the inside. Her heart ached for so many. Moonfall. Sunrise. Silverkit. Daisypaw. Tansypaw. Larkstar. When. Did. It. End. When would she be able to push past it, when would the pain stop, when would they leave her, like everyone else? When, when, when.
When.
Would.
It.
Kill.
Her.

"I have failed, Jayfrost. They counted on me and I failed. They have died because of me. DON'T, interrupt me, I should've known. You don't understand, you don't get it. There were three deaths I could've stopped. Three. And I didn't. I didn't go get Silverkit, I didn't tell Cormorantcrash it would never happen again. She slaughtered my freaking. Adopted. Parents. I could've told her that I would never do it again. I could've told her I... would never let her babies die... again. I didn't. I couldn't. So she took us out of camp for a chat. She had led Spottedkit into the river before she could swim. While Sunrise tried to help her she killed Moonfall. When Sunrise got out she killed him." When did it end? At least her voice was steady now. "She said; 'Spottedkit and Goldkit. You must promise me I won't have to do this again, and you won't let each other die.' I couldn't respond. I was frightened."
"So she threw their bodies into the rapids. And I watched. Them. Die again."